We had a dysfunctional childhood, & mother went into rages, (chased me down & choked me when I couldn't get away). I was constantly afraid & angry, so I avoided her a lot by staying with friends. Nobody is left to visit her (in assisted living) but me & it's been awful. I was on medication just to cope, but I feel better without it, (except that means I can't tolerate visiting her anymore because of the panic I get). I'm unable to discuss this with her, & I can't afford a therapist unless I use her money. (I have power of attorney but I feel that using her money for my therapist may be dishonest). Please give your opinions.
I agree with visits in a common area and limited to monthly or whatever you feel. You could call and ask how she is also. So sorry for you having this painful situation.
I believe in 2nd chances and beyond yet keep in mind when taking breaks from an unhealthy situation is important.
While I hate to suggest this - stop visiting your mother if it causes you this much grief. The people in charge can still reach you by telephone so really, they cannot insist you visit.
I'm really sorry you had this terrible a childhood. Home is supposed to be a safe haven where you are protected by your parents, not abused by them.
its a game are they insane or needy or controlling???she my,aunt is super needy and has acted out also underlying alcoholic...she has produced preety successful
children one being a Priest......they have developed this dysfunctional way of
communicating...…...which ironically has produced super salespeople...…..
everybody has secrets in their family...….if you are rude,bullying to your children
it will come back to bite you.
communicating but I do not think as they have their mother in a assisted living
now ……….she continues to run the show...….so don't take abuse......
communicating whilst trying to appear Christian...…….
It really sucks
Considering that your parent was borderline homicidal and profoundly affected you in your formative and later years, you have EVERY right to use this person's money to pay for your therapy without ANY guilt. It's the very simple principle: you break it - you pay for it! That applies to persons as well as things.
As to visiting this person and causing yourself even more panic and anxiety, I think you are also not obligated to suffer for the sake of... what? Discussing the harm she caused you with her? You don't discuss your pain with a crocodile who is trying to eat you? You get away as far as you can from a crocodile. And you take time and heal your wounds so you can have a better life and be a better parent.
Hugs!
You need to protect your wellbeing.
Check your local community to counselling services that are low or no cost. There are often resources available through local mental health organizations.
If you are in the USA and Medicaid maybe needed in the future, you cannot use your mother's funds to pay for your therapy, without it impacting the look back period.
I guess some People are Born evil possessed by the devil and thrive in the misery of those Who are closest to Them. It seems Your Mom is a Street Angel and a House monster. May I ask where was Your Dad during these years ?Since We are well aware that in Life We only reap what We sowe I would have crossed Your Moms Name off my List long ago and inform the Nurses that You are moving on with Your Life and leave Your contact details in case Your Mom needs pyjamas or underwear or a night gown or slippers etc so You could drop what ever She needs off at the Nurses desk. Despite all of this torture You are still a very nice Person and You do not want to be contaminated by this Woman, so I would save Yourself.
The adult abused child also has to deal with the double shame of not being able to confidently draw their boundaries, when they know and can read that others have successfully done so. I feel for you, but you seem like someone who can parse out phantom voices. The advice here is remarkable, and please never admonish yourself if you falter in trying to eke out your god-given self.
All the responses here have hit many nails on many heads! What friends we have here.
Adults who were abused as children hope that, deep down, their kind behaviors (loyalty, caring, empathy, making things right for others, charitableness, visiting the infirmed abuser, etc.), will change the abuser or bring about a cloak of sane love and protection you never had. Or that some God/Good Parent /Rescue Witness will forgive the adult child for being guilty of having been marked by abuse. Or the burden of the parent’s chokehold will be lifted (as some responsible adult should have done for you).
Abusive parents suck the life force out of their targeted children. As the adult child of an abusive parent, you have a very difficult time separating the autonomic nervous system responses from actual terror triggers. Separating and drawing boundaries threatens your existence, but you will get through it.
Read about Stockholm Syndrome, borderline personality disorder, malicious narcissists and trauma-induced anxiety. Accept who you are and that you may be working through this for a long time. If you can find no- or low-cost support groups, they are much cheaper than one-on-one therapy. If therapy is available, go for it! Even grief groups can help, because basically you are working through the loss of your innocent Self and having to be your own protector. I feel lucky we have others on this site that do such a beautiful job of affirming the sanctity of Selfhood when walking on minefields.
Get some professional help. Call your local Mental Health agency, city or county. They may be able to help you get some free or minimum cost therapist. If the first one or two don't work for you, keep looking. There will come a day when you will click with the correct one for you.
Cut down you visits to the bare minimum [don't go at holidays] & write her letters instead of visiting personally if that would make you feel better - in the first few put in a self-addressed stamped envelope so she can write back - if she writes back continue with those envelopes but once she has 3 then stop sending them but continue to write her in lieu of physical visits
Call her facility regularly to be on top of her situation but don't do the visits often - let them know that for personal reasons you will not be able to visit as often as you have been - they have her number by now anyway because the staff can read these people well - basically your mom is reaping what she sowed years ago
Then check about getting councelling for yourself without it depleting your finances - you don't say where you are but by stating that I assume that you are in USA - I am in Canada & much of that is covered albeit with a bit of a waiting list - it might take some searching & a bit of a wait but it will do you good in the end - try even some group therapy or self-help groups like AA but for abuse survivors - even going to the library to get relevant books will give a boost as you do something positive for yourself
Being the oldest and living closer than my sister makes it easier for her to call me.
She has Alzheimers and lives alone. I would love to keep in touch with you and share stories.
Nicole