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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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It does indeed depend, and don't beat yourself up. My hubs HATES to visit his mom.. because she hates it there and always wants to come home. And she is only there because POA wants her there. Acutualy she is better off there, but is the way it happened that peeves hubs off. We plan our visits about a 1/2 hour before lunch so we can sneak out while she interested in eating.
I appreciate all the observations...as I suspected the real answer is: "it depends ... : I live 500 miles from the town where my wife is. Shes in that facility because shes near (5 miles away) from OUR daughter. My wife and I are not at all estranged. Our daughter (Liz) and I discussed at length where my wife should go for treatment .... we decided on the place closest to Liz because she could pay more attention to wife/Mother. Daughter Liz and I talk 2 - 3 times a day at least and Daughter is the main interface to Wife for obvious reasons. (Daughter has a teen-aged daughter of her own to attend to.)
I just like to get a variety of feelings from this forum and tonite I got quite a variety .....Ieads me to believe as I stated from the get go ...."it depends"
Right now, I am not visiting mthr and have not been since September, perhaps? I am not beating myself up about it because she does not know who I am.
When she had those flares of fire, I stayed away. I told the mc director that I could not visit for awhile, to call me or email if mthr needed something and I'd send it. The director told me that was fine, that mthr was safe and she (the director) knew where to find me. I had her (the director's) permission to take a break, which is exactly what I did. I needed an adult to tell me it was ok.
Yes, I went against societal expectations. But I did not have to tell everyone. "Oh, mthr's doing about the same I guess, nothing has really changed" was my go to answer.
You have my permission to take a break, too. That's what I needed.
Fisherman if you feel that nobody - not your wife, not you, not the staff - is benefiting from continued visits you don't have to keep going. It's not the law. There are other ways to monitor her care and ensure that all is well, and you can always try again later.
But I suppose it sort of depends what the angry outbursts are about. Are they expressions of legitimate grievance, or not really anything to do with reality?
Have you tried asking the facility's staff if they have any comments?
When my husband and I were newlyweds, our neighbors were in their 70's and already married 50 years. When Brunie had to be in the NH, her husband went out every morning to see her. We would run into him at the grocery, and ask about her when we moved away. He told us she did not know who he was, but he also used the words, but he knew who she was. My husband and I would talk about that attitude so frequently. It helped cement our marriage, that we wanted to be like that couple, through thick and thin, sickness and health.
Not only does the visit help the one visiting, it helps those who witness that loving act.
A gentleman in my neighborhood had to place his wife in MC. It was a nice facility in the neighborhood. He went to see her every single day, and took loving care of her while she lived.
LONG after she'd had totally forgotten who he even was--he was going daily.
Fisherman, run don't walk to visit your loved one as soon as possible. Each family member has different time contraints but I believe that frequent visits helped my Mom and MIL stay on an even keel. The staff notices who has visitors and often seem to pay more attention to that resident. And, while the aides and staff make sure that the resident is bathed, toileted , fed, etc. it is the family and friends that will make the person feel secure. Memory loss is quite frightening and reassurance goes a LONG way. I know many caregivers would not be in the position to do this, but I tried to have at least one visitor to my Mom each day. I am not talking about all day, but for an hour or two. When my MIL was in a facility, my husband visited 3Xs a week and I was there once a week. Sibs visited sporadically but she had company at least 4 Xs/week. And before other posters gasp, I was fortunate that both facilities were just 10 minutes away and I was retired when this all happened. Clearly this would not be possible for many.
Fisherman, I see that your wife is living in Assisted Living/Memory Care for about a month or so, correct?
Have you had a monthly meeting with the Staff? Usually at that time the Staff can give you an assessment on her condition. I think if there were any issues after you leave from a visit with your love one, the Staff would have notified you. Apparently your wife is doing fine afterwards.
I remember long ago hearing where someone had asked a husband why does he still visit his wife when she doesn't know him.... his answer was "I still know her", a wise answer.
Is there a certain time of day when your wife's mind is in the here and now? If yes, try to visit her during that time of day as long as you feel you aren't disturbing or confusing her when you do leave. I know my Mom enjoyed company even though she couldn't remember who we were.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I just like to get a variety of feelings from this forum and tonite I got quite a variety .....Ieads me to believe as I stated from the get go ...."it depends"
Thanks for all the input
When she had those flares of fire, I stayed away. I told the mc director that I could not visit for awhile, to call me or email if mthr needed something and I'd send it. The director told me that was fine, that mthr was safe and she (the director) knew where to find me. I had her (the director's) permission to take a break, which is exactly what I did. I needed an adult to tell me it was ok.
Yes, I went against societal expectations. But I did not have to tell everyone. "Oh, mthr's doing about the same I guess, nothing has really changed" was my go to answer.
You have my permission to take a break, too. That's what I needed.
But I suppose it sort of depends what the angry outbursts are about. Are they expressions of legitimate grievance, or not really anything to do with reality?
Have you tried asking the facility's staff if they have any comments?
Not only does the visit help the one visiting, it helps those who witness that loving act.
LONG after she'd had totally forgotten who he even was--he was going daily.
Absolutely, yes, visit.
I know many caregivers would not be in the position to do this, but I tried to have at least one visitor to my Mom each day. I am not talking about all day, but for an hour or two. When my MIL was in a facility, my husband visited 3Xs a week and I was there once a week. Sibs visited sporadically but she had company at least 4 Xs/week. And before other posters gasp, I was fortunate that both facilities were just 10 minutes away and I was retired when this all happened. Clearly this would not be possible for many.
Have you had a monthly meeting with the Staff? Usually at that time the Staff can give you an assessment on her condition. I think if there were any issues after you leave from a visit with your love one, the Staff would have notified you. Apparently your wife is doing fine afterwards.
I remember long ago hearing where someone had asked a husband why does he still visit his wife when she doesn't know him.... his answer was "I still know her", a wise answer.
Is there a certain time of day when your wife's mind is in the here and now? If yes, try to visit her during that time of day as long as you feel you aren't disturbing or confusing her when you do leave. I know my Mom enjoyed company even though she couldn't remember who we were.