I mean I dont hate my hubby. I hate what he has become? Hubby is impossible. Mean. Hateful. Demanding and always right. When I talk to him and he responds it is not 2 seconds before he says "I didnt say that. You are delusional." You are the one with dementia. They need to put you in a home." I basically just don't even try to talk to him anymore because it always ends up in an arguement. It wears me out. Am I wrong to just want this to be over? How can I always me wrong?
It causes phychological changes
Personality changes
Inability to reason
Inappropriate behavior
Paranoia
Agitation
And eventually, Hallucinations
First of all, you are not alone and you are not always wrong. You are stronger than you know to be going thru this with your husband, as I am with my mother. Yes, it's frustrating and mostly just futile, but you shouldn't wear yourself out trying to reason with him. Let the things that he says roll off you like water off a duck's back--it's the only way to keep yourself sane. They don't mean to be hurtful, remember how loving they used to be? That is what you must remember. You are simply loving what is left of your loved one and you must let everything else pass. It gets confusing for them to carry on normal conversations sometimes, so keep it short and simple. "I know you don't mean that because you love me as much as I love you" That is what I say all the time and I stop there. Usually there is a comeback, but if it isn't respectful, don't participate. After all, in a few minutes, they may have forgotten all about that.
Keep your sanity, keep a relationship with your friends (or even US, on this website) You can do this....WE CAN DO THIS!!!
I also suggest you develop a relationship with an elder law attorney to begin organizing your assets to your best advantage. If you do this, I guarantee you will begin to feel more in control of what you now perceive as a hopeless situation.
If you are not spending money on in-home caregivers, START TODAY. You simply MUST take emotional and social care of yourself or you will lose your mind. Go to lunch with a friend...go shopping...go to church alone...join a book club. Do NOT live in isolation. It will be the end of you.
You're running a marathon not a sprint. Understand that and manage YOUR life.
Alzheimer's Disease
You may think you know what youre dealing with, but believe me,
you dont.
John Huston as Water baron Noah Cross in Chinatown
Never Give Up
I will add that we have a family friend who is 89 years old has had severe dementia for quite a while. She is mobile and can still talk some, but isn't very communicative. She makes some statements and can answer some questions. Language seemed to the first to go for her. It happened after she barely survived a horrific car accident. She's never been the same.
However, our family friend is quite pleasant. She doesn't repeat things. She doesn't say mean things and is able to function pretty well with assistance. Her daughter lives with her and they do great together. They come and visit us regularly. She has delusions, but they are mild, such as she will tell her daughter they need to end their visit in order to go home and relieve her mother of child care duties. She thinks her kids are babies.
This lady was a delight and blessings to so many throughout her life and she still is, even with dementia. She and my special needs niece chat and have a grand tine together when they visit. They seem to understand each other.
The past 20 (especially the past 10) years she has been a drain on my patience, emotions and time - taking all and giving nothing back.
When we are young, we have the resiliance to cope with young children and life's stresses. The older we get (at least in my case) not so much. Dementia parents act much like children, but our relationship with our parents is different, knowing they will get worse and worse (and yes, more difficult, maybe meaner to us, demanding) and they will not grow up. We can't guide or teach them and have no control over them or what they do to us.
Deadonarrival: my response is no matter if they were a good or bad parent, the worst of what they have always been comes out in triple, but they can't help it. Intellectually, I know that, but it doesn't change my inner feelings of frustration, sadness, anger and dread and my hope that it will not continue too much longer. Dealing with the guilt (those feelings that my Christian upbringing tells me are bad and wrong) is the hard part.
All is a matter of time! Knowing when to let care go to others is also important. That is the hardest for me. I am a DO IT ALL person, thus others being in my home, just may not work. Have not done it yet, but in time all will need to change. I hope I am ready for it.
Take care of yourself!