Dad moved in a year ago after mom died. The first 6 months were difficult. Then the surgery..... 2 months of back and forth to the hospital and rehab then PT at the house. Finally he is moving about much better. Its hard to deal with some days. He is much more up and around now. Finally going to lodge by himself, going to church by himself. Still not 100% but getting better. I have been pretty tough on him making him do things for himself, laundry, bills etc... I help when needed (computer, cars). For me to deal with it I have had to take a tough approach. I feel so much guilt it is unimaginable. My wife tells me I have to let go but I can't. I work at home and am here 24 hours a day. I get out for work not as much as I like. I used to hate travel now I love it as I can get out!
He is lonely, I get it and he craves talk but it is only talk about him or the stories I have grown up with. I try to be nice and agree but then he goes on and on. I am respectful but there are times. He tends to make the fish a little bigger each time. I know he has complained to others that I am grumpy but mom did everything for him. I refuse to unless it is necessary. My big issue is trying to give my wife attention without all the guilt. We try to go out once a week for us time. I feel bad leaving him at home and not taking him to dinner but I make dinner every night. If we go out he orders the best of everything and I cant afford it nor can he. If I go away for a weekend with my wife I have to make it a business trip, be sure someone is here for him and board my dog as he wont pay attention to her (his OK, my dog, no). We were all set to be empty-Nester's, lasted 1 year. Am I a bad guy for making him do his own things, laundry, bills, church, lodge? I don't want to go to church every Sunday, I am a church going guy, I deal with funerals with a group I am with all the time so I get good with God on my own terms. I want him to develop his own friends and people to associate with but he isn't seeming to make friends. I have introduced him to people but he will only go out if it is an event. He doesn't listen, he talks so there is not a lot of back and forth unless he is in command of the conversation.
I look at it as I have given him a place to be and made sure he is cared for. As far as siblings, they're are non existent. One I wont even talk to anymore, I wrote him off the way he treated Dad (and other childhood issues), the other I call and am told they will call back but never hear from them. They have plenty of time for social media but not enough to even call me to say hi, hows things, anything we can do?.... Oh, they will certainly take a shot at me on social media (I am done with by the way, being bullied when you are an adult is not a good thing, I had enough of that as a child, I certifiably don't need it from my family and so called friends). Sorry, just venting here I guess, there are days when I want to put my head in the oven, turns out I have and electric oven, my luck (just a metaphor people don't get crazy).
Am I the only one to dole out tough love (this may be a in-correct term)? Am I wrong? Is it wrong of me to give my siblings the kiss off when they don't support me?
I'm trying here.
He does sound ideally suited to Assisted Living. Let's say you find a nice place with 80 residents. They will be his age and have common interests. The population will be 90% women who will fawn all over him. Lots of activities, bus trips, entertainment. He would live like a King, and you can return to a wife who misses you badly.
Going to dinner alone with your wife is a normal, natural thing and quite necessary for your marriage, your emotional health. She's been a trooper, working with this huge life change that you put into place. But you have to make time for the two of you. I've been thru the guilt trip because I chose to do something with a family member (husband, daughter, granddaughter) without including my mom. The sighs, the looks, the comments. And too often, sadly, I caved in until I started realizing that there were other relationships I needed to nurture. But you know what - you aren't doing anything wrong, the parent trying to make you feel bad is. PLEASE.....throw off this guilt. Speak in declarative sentences -" X and I are going to dinner this evening. I've left stew in the fridge. See you later." Show your wife that there's no tug of war in your heart - happily have dinner with her with NO conversation whatsoever about your dad for the evening.
As for guilt because you're asking him to contribute to the household - lose that, too. It's only fair and considerate for a family member to pitch in on laundry, cooking, clean up after themselves. You expected this from your kids - it's part of what members of a household do. You even expect houseguests to pick up after themselves. You're not doing tough love, you're simply saying that you all live there and everyone does their share.
Those of us with difficult parents need to remember something - when we endeavor to make their needs and wants the primary focus of our lives, we do disservice to ourselves and our families who are also greatly impacted. It is a zero sum situation in that when we do what they want 100%, everyone else has to compromise or give a disproportionate amount. Decisions need to be made factoring in your dad's needs, yours and your wives in more equal measure, knowing it's fluid.
And since you're in the house 24/7 with your dad don't feel guilty about going out to dinner one night a week (for what, 2 hours?) with your wife. If you don't carve out "us" time there will come a time when there won't be an "us" unless it's just you and your dad. So take care of that marriage.
It's not "tough love" as much as it is creating boundaries which are necessary when we have an elderly parent living with us.
As far as your siblings go, if they want to know how your dad is doing, be a grown up and tell them. Here's what happened with me and my brother while my dad was living with me: I thought my brother should automatically assume that I needed help and I resented the fact that he never offered. My brother, on the other hand, assumed that I would ask for help if I needed it and since I didn't ask he never offered. It was a total misunderstanding and once we figured it out we made quite a team.
If you've asked for help from your siblings and they haven't helped you then forget about them. Try not to resent them too much because the only person who's going to get hurt by that is you. Resentment is poison.
You are absolutely within your rights to expect a family member to pull his own weight in the house. However words like make him do things, tough love, grumpy, refuse and bad guy come across as resentment of the situation. Even a year later, you haven't come to terms with it. For your own marriage, and your own peace of mind, I'd make other living arrangements for Dad. No one says you have to have him live with you when he's capable of living elsewhere.
You sound like you have good intentions, but are just overwhelmed. Seek out support for both of you. Good luck.
As far as siblings I have tried to reach out (brother? No, that ship sailed a long time ago), my other sibling I have extended calls and text but "I'll call in a bit" and never returns a call. So I get the message loud and clear. Not that I haven't tried, I have and am tired of reaching out. I am working on the guilt thing...... it is hard to overcome..... not sure why..... Trying to be happier, guess it is all the stress........