This may be a long shot but I’m at my wits end and just need someone to agree that I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. My husband and I have been married only two years, we had a rough for year due to a miscarriage but we were blessed with a wild now one year old shortly after. I also have a seven year old from a previous marriage who has been raised by me and my husband since he was 2. So in all we have been together five years. Recently his father found out he was sick and that it could be throat cancer. He has a biopsy done, a trach put in and feeding tube not long after due to the trach. He was working full time climbing 60ft trees up until the day before his biopsy. After a week in the hospital he came to stay with us under the understanding it was until he got a handle on the trach care and we got a plan of attack for whatever he had. After. Well that was a month ago and long story short he had to have a second opinion and that result came back yesterday, it’s stage 3 throat cancer. It’s very contained to one area and the dr is confident it’s very curable. They will start chemo & radiation next week. Yesterday afternoon he came home and informed me he was moving in for good with us. No discussion with me nor my husband just decided on his own. To say the past month has been easy would be a lie. I stay home with my kids. I raise them and handle the house. Since he has moved in with us he has taken over completely. My living room is where he lives. Even though we took our one year olds playroom away and created a bedroom for him, he refuses to use it and stays in the living room 24/7. He controls the tv and doesn’t allow me or the kids to watch anything we want. He has no issues ordering me around all day even when I’m trying to get my little one to nap or feed him. I wash his clothes, clean his bathroom and bring him anything he needs. He has also made me remove all of the kids toys out of the living room because he says they make to much noise. So my bedroom is where I live now. My one year old was never a big talker but since the change he has regressed and doesn’t talk at all now. My relationship with my husband is so strained it causes me anxiety. He wants his dad to live with us forever and I just can’t do it. I’ve tried so hard to be ok with everything but I can’t handle it all. He works full time so I’m the one home all day with his dad and the kids. I’m only 29 and I never saw this as my life. I knew one day we would have to care for our aging parents but I didn’t see this at my age with small kids. I feel so much guilt for feeling like I do. I’m so scared my once happy marriage is lost & I can physically see the negative affects on the kids already from this situation. I’ve suggested his dad move back to his house which is seriously 7 miles from our house but my husband insists his dad emotionally needs us and I need to just suck it up. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I feel like I’m In a dark hole and there is no escape.
Your FIL is taking advantage of your good will and your husband's lack of a spine. Your husband has a family now and he ought to stand up for your well-being. You are an equal partner in the marriage. You should have as much input into this decision as your husband.
I don't know what to tell you except that you are not wrong. FIL is walking all over you and your husband is allowing it. You need to stand your ground and your husband needs to suck up his own fear of his father's disappointment or disapproval, and tell FIL that the long-term cohabitation is just not working out.
At 29 you're too young to have developed the teeth and tempers we crabby oldsters can call on when somebody presents us with a totally unreasonable fait accompli, so I don't blame you for not having thought to laugh loudly at his announcement and say "not a chance, sweetheart!" And I can't blame your husband for not wanting to be The Son Who Evicted His Sick Father.
But that doesn't mean this situation is acceptable or has to be accepted. If he's not to give up and rot slowly into an armchair, it is for FIL's benefit that he is helped to get past the initial shock and fear of his diagnosis - which he probably is still feeling - and encouraged to resume normal life as far as possible. Find out more information about supporting people living with cancer from your local hospital, your own doctor, or look online at Macmillan for general tips.
Good luck, don't despair, and please let us know how you're getting on.
You are very definitely not crazy. I suggest counseling, but certainly not because you are mentally ill! Couple counseling might be the place to start. This situation does not bode well for your future as a family, and the two of you deserve all the help you can get.
You don't mention how old FIL is, but if he was working at a physically demanding job until just recently, I assume he is not in his 80s. The doctor is confident his cancer is very curable. Your husband insists FIL live with you "forever" which could be 20 - 30 years, or more. You and hubby need to discuss this very seriously, perhaps with the help of a counselor.
Here is what I think my starting position would be:
1) FIL can live here while he is undergoing treatment.
2) There must be a plan in place for what will happen when the treatment is complete. FIL will need to return to his home or make some other plans.
3) While he is here, he is a guest, not the head of the household.
4) He needs emotional support at this time. He does not need a full time servant, and that is not the wife's role.
5) The living room belongs to the family. If he wants to watch something they don't want to watch, he can do it in his bedroom. If the toys in the living room bother him, he can have peace and quiet in his bedroom.
6) FIL will pay for room and board for each month he is there.
It might come down to your husband deciding whether he wants to live "forever" with his father, or whether he wants to live with his wife and children. But before issuing ultimatums, try to work this out with an objective trained third party. Sign up for couple counseling!
His home is just 7 miles away!!!
Have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him having the children cope with their lives being turned upside down is not good for the kids.
If your FIL does nothing now, he can go back to his home and your husband can visit him daily if hubby won’t stay there with him.
If that doesn’t work, have your husband tell his father that he has a bedroom and needs to stay in there, as two young children can be noisy - that’s what they do. It’s the children’s home too.
Ask your husband to arrange for aides to come tend to his dad 3- 4 hours midday.
It’s unfortunate FIL is ill but he lives so close it shouldn’t be too difficult for his son to visit him frequently.
You have your hands full as it is your and your children’s home first and foremost.
Husband needs to put the needs of his family first.
The major point your husbabd is missing is that he isn't taking care of his dad, you are. At your children's expense.
If your husband and dad can't move to dads house, maybe you and the kids should. How would dad like that?
You are a much better person than I am. I would be taking care of my kids and to hell with the two men. Your husband is weak but your FIL is a bully.
This is a major event In your marriage. It will take you and your kids years to recover.
I hope you get counseling right away and figure out how to escape this trap.
You need a baby sitter and a job.
Dads expecting a full recovery but the prognosis is not so good for you and your children.
This diagnosis and the first treatment happened what, about six weeks ago?
And your FIL is only sixty.
Your husband has had a heck of a shock. This happens to chime with me loudly at the moment, because my daughter's fiancé has just lost his 69 year old dad - similarly out of the blue, no warning. So if you imagine the cold sweat your husband must be breaking out in at the thought of how close a call this all could have been: that's why he wants your FIL wrapped in cotton wool and kept at home where he can supervise him, and he is assuming that any kind decent person would feel the same.
Your husband is wrong, and behaving disproportionately, and above all he is misguided in what he believes is best for FIL, but he is doing all this for good, loving reasons. It's his emotional reaction to a nasty threat. You have to restore his perspective gently.
Has he talked about how he is feeling? (He's young and male. Let me guess...) Has anyone talked to him about the impact his father's diagnosis has had on him?
So there is a fiance in the picture? Why on earth isn't FIL living with her?
Please keep us updated. We are on YOUR side. I for one have little to no sympathy for your H or your FIL.
To the OP, good luck and come back to let us know how it's going for you and your family, and your FIL.
Take back your house as others have said. FIL can watch TV in his room, your DH can do his laundry. You are not at FIL's beck and call - he can fetch for himself what ever he needs.
He is going to be angry at you - politely remind him it is YOUR house and you are caring for HIS grandchildren.
Let us know how it is going. I'm so angry on your behalf.
Uprooting your kids is not ideal but it doesn't sound like home is a safe and nurturing place anymore. Don't fight with your husband, just tell him you're taking the children and moving out so he can take care of his dad during this time. Have the plan in place before you tell him. You are taking the kids so his dad can get the rest he needs. Tell him when his dad is done with treatment and back out on his own, you and the kids will be back. Go stay with your parents or someplace close with a friend so you can keep your kids routine as normal as possible. Give your attention to them.
Hold your ground. Your husband loves you --he just doesn't understand how to stand up to his father. It's time for him to learn. The only way he will, is to have to face life every day--without you and his kids. Caring for his dad in a home that is no longer really his. It won't take him long to make the right decision. Don't argue, don't raise your voice- your husband is miserable too, just not as miserable as you.
If I had taken such a stand in my marriage early on, with an overbearing MIL, the last 39 years would have been much happier for both of us.
go out to work.
I am pretty sure this might help solve your problem.
My husband wanted his mother to move in with us full time.When I Told him okay
he would just have to quit his job to stay home and take care of her he quickly changed his mind.
It is easy to tell people what to do when they are not the ones who will have to do it..
good luck
Good luck
Hubs is no doubt deeply concerned about his dad.
You likely have noticed that 100% of the replies to you post are in agreement with you. I am maintaining the unanimous "you are right" sentiment.
Tell hubs that you posted a question and tell him that EVERY one of the replies says or implies he, not FIL, and definitely not you, is the problem...You might want to tell him about your resignation in the presence of a pastor or marriage counselor..
I'll add one more suggestion: Find a friend who will take you and the kids into their home for a week...Buy a good supply of frozen dinners and stock your freezer with them. Tell hubs you'll be gone for awhile and he and FIL will have to fend for themselves..Then do it. First, however, tell him that you will not keep on living like this. Show him these replies..Do not argue about what he may say about them..
Your situation iis not a death sentence, but it comes close..
God bless you.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
And take away the clicker for your TV.
Done...
He will then be in his room 24/7 and you can shut the door!
Your highest priority is your family -- husband, children, & you. The children need both parents to be strong for them & stand up to a bullying, overbearing man. Counseling will help with that. If your husband won't go, then go alone.
Meanwhile, take your home back. You were nice enough to displace your son & give FIL his own space, so he has a place to retreat to. Move toys back into the LR; watch on the TV whatever you & the kids want to watch. That is FAMILY space. Eating is at the kitchen or dining room table. If FIL doesn't like what you make for the family to eat, oh well. Have your husband or FIL fiancé do his laundry. BTW, who will be expected to take him to doctor appointments if he gets too weak to do it himself?
Before moving into FIL's house with your 2 children (Plan B), try to take your home & life back 1st. Good luck.