This may be a long shot but I’m at my wits end and just need someone to agree that I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. My husband and I have been married only two years, we had a rough for year due to a miscarriage but we were blessed with a wild now one year old shortly after. I also have a seven year old from a previous marriage who has been raised by me and my husband since he was 2. So in all we have been together five years. Recently his father found out he was sick and that it could be throat cancer. He has a biopsy done, a trach put in and feeding tube not long after due to the trach. He was working full time climbing 60ft trees up until the day before his biopsy. After a week in the hospital he came to stay with us under the understanding it was until he got a handle on the trach care and we got a plan of attack for whatever he had. After. Well that was a month ago and long story short he had to have a second opinion and that result came back yesterday, it’s stage 3 throat cancer. It’s very contained to one area and the dr is confident it’s very curable. They will start chemo & radiation next week. Yesterday afternoon he came home and informed me he was moving in for good with us. No discussion with me nor my husband just decided on his own. To say the past month has been easy would be a lie. I stay home with my kids. I raise them and handle the house. Since he has moved in with us he has taken over completely. My living room is where he lives. Even though we took our one year olds playroom away and created a bedroom for him, he refuses to use it and stays in the living room 24/7. He controls the tv and doesn’t allow me or the kids to watch anything we want. He has no issues ordering me around all day even when I’m trying to get my little one to nap or feed him. I wash his clothes, clean his bathroom and bring him anything he needs. He has also made me remove all of the kids toys out of the living room because he says they make to much noise. So my bedroom is where I live now. My one year old was never a big talker but since the change he has regressed and doesn’t talk at all now. My relationship with my husband is so strained it causes me anxiety. He wants his dad to live with us forever and I just can’t do it. I’ve tried so hard to be ok with everything but I can’t handle it all. He works full time so I’m the one home all day with his dad and the kids. I’m only 29 and I never saw this as my life. I knew one day we would have to care for our aging parents but I didn’t see this at my age with small kids. I feel so much guilt for feeling like I do. I’m so scared my once happy marriage is lost & I can physically see the negative affects on the kids already from this situation. I’ve suggested his dad move back to his house which is seriously 7 miles from our house but my husband insists his dad emotionally needs us and I need to just suck it up. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I feel like I’m In a dark hole and there is no escape.
Suggest to your sweet DH that he and his dad move into Dad's house, 7 miles away.
Sadly, it is your hubby that must choose but you Never Never Never leave your home!
Let your hubby take his dad and live with him a while. I am betting it won't take long for him to see your side of it. Not many men want to cook, clean and do laundry and I am guessing your DH won't want to take care of his own father; not if he can get you to do it.
I assisted my father willingly but still put him into a mobile home in my front yard - it was a nice, new mobile home and we both survived the last few years of his life. I knew I couldn't have 2 Roosters in my hen house! And you shouldn't either.
Remember FIL is NOT going to change - it is going to way he wants it to. No one is going to stand up for you, apparently, unless you do it yourself. Do not cater to FIL. Do what you and the kids want. If your DH tells you to do what FIL wants - you ask DH to take over the house, kids, and FIL.
Sometimes i just want to slap these men upside the heads!!!!
Keep us posted.
If he will be allowed to stay in the house at all during treatment, he needs to have it made crystal clear that his room is his refuge from noise/toys and he is welcome to join the family when it is comfortable for him.
Counseling is essential. Probably all 3 adults would benefit (not together!) but it sounds doubtful that fil would go!
You & you husband certainly need to. I do not believe you have ANYTHING to fell guilty about.
What FIL is doing is unconscionable and unfair, LONG term. If he was climbing 60 ft trees not long ago, he CANT be in that bad a shape physically, except for the cancer. Many people live many years with cancer and treatments. The Dr gave him a good prognosis, let him go home and figure out what he wants to do with his OWN life. There are many support groups to point him in the right direction and help him find help for transportation, etc to his appointments. What? Do you have to drop everything! Haul your kids AND him all around the town when he needs it?! I don't think so! Babies need to have structure and nap times and feeding times, etc.
No child should have to take care of able parents for the rest of their lives, it's totally unfair. If your husband doesn't get a reckoning of what HIS life will be like..."yes daddy, whatever you say daddy"...then I don't have much hope for you family long term.
Regain control and start drawing some lines ASAP, that's my advice. You and your husband need to do that together In whatever way gets results. And stop feeling guilty immediately. You're adults here, not compliant little children. You need support as well! Your kids need to laugh, play, shout, sing, whatever again. Family fun needs to start now...my dear NOW. Too soon grown and too soon, sorry they didn't get to be children. It's up to YOU. What do you want to look back on some day. What kind of memories do you want your kids to have?
if he is on medicare he can go thru medicare with his doctors help to get coverage once he gets home. if you allow this to continue your marriage is doomed. its hard enough to work thru a marriage with two people never mind three...
do your homework before you speak with your husband as to how it needs to be. this way he cant come up with excuses because you will be prepared with the answers.
you need to be strong and firm but understanding with your hubby as it is his father.
but at the same time he needs to know the wife and children come first.....and formost.. good luck and stay strong......
You now know its up to you to stomp your foot. You are not the floosie the FIL thinks he has rights to
I read that he has a woman. .. call her and say come get him he has overstayed his welcome.
this FIL sounds like a true ****x**** and i a way by being the obedient wife and DIL you are allowing it to continue
AT YOUR CHILDRENS DEMISE
All I can add, is that one day I had an almighty fight with my [now EX] partner and I took off my wedding ring and told him Id ripped up the marriage certificate. As there was no comment on that that I was to be the slave and *** and **** and *****...
Yes it was the turning point but it was the only way to stop the arrogance and abuse that was thought he had the right to
There is nothing like the saying. "Its your circus and your monkey" I'm guessing the FIL smoked, and even if he didn't. as others have stated, they managed their cancers. So that's his circus and how he looks after himself is now his monkey, the show is over at your home.
Get that temper raised. and use it. Tell, don't discuss with your husband that HIS father is treating you like **** and it's affecting the children. that is HIS child.
and as suggested, if he has so many concerns for a grown man. HE can go live with his father. They can move this weekend, and you will be out of the house from 10am to 2pm and you want them gone by the time you get back.
I am so incensed about this situation even getting this far, so stand up for your kids and fight back.
Your husband has chosen his father over you. Even though your husband knows his father is a boil on your backside, he has chosen allegiance to his father instead of you. Ok. So let him. Let the 2 of them find someone other than you to do their bidding. You can only be used if you let yourself be. You are being verbally and emotionally abused. You’ve tried defending yourself and asking for the situation to change and your requests were met with anger and nothing was done. You need to protect yourself and your children.
Do you have parents or a relative you can go stay with for a while? Even a close friend. Let your FIL and husband fend for themselves. Wash your hands of them. You know from this incident that you can’t count on your husband to support or defend you. That won’t change. He will do the same thing whenever you face any trying times.
Pack up yourself and your kids and leave. Then see what happens. If nothing changes, you know what you need to do.
Your message reached my heart. First what good news that the Doctor feels the throat cancer is curable.
However, you are first responsible for yourself and your infant children - then the oath you took when you married your husband. Note that he took the same oath. I firmly believe (and I am 80 yrs old) that the best for both you and your husband to do is agree to get professional help. If you don't like the first person you see - get another. The important thing that is that both you and your husband have someone trained in this kind of thing counsel both of you. Don't be surprised if he will not welcome that with open arms. If he refuses to go - YOU GO!! You deserve that kind of counseling now- please take advantage of it! It seems to me from what you have written that you and your children's needs are not being considered "BIG TIME". The comments I have read support that theory. Instead of getting mad and feeling hurt - and of course afraid- find a good therapist schooled in this type of situation - it will be your life line in a bad storm. You do not have to be alone - you just need guidance on how to handle yourself and do the best for your children during this difficult time.
What I am controlling myself not to do is find fault with anyone involved! I would leave that up to a person educated and trained to handle just this sort of thing. I am sure you are not the first (nor will be the last) person that has faced this situation at sometime in their life.
In the meantime - know that if I were your neighbor I would give you any comfort you need at the time. So pretend I am beside you just giving you a hug - patting you on the back - and telling you everything is going to turn out for the best. You are not alone - from what I have read there are many people on this site that are here to support you. Please keep us informed.
Oh and let me give you a big big hug
RosePetal
I'm not saying your situation would be considered harmful to this degree but you are being objectified as a woman and your opinion is not being considered nor the affect on your children.
I guess your husband was raised by his father and sees this as right action. Time for him to figure out who HE is. What happened to husbands mother?
FIL is an otherwise fit, active 60 year old man who recently received a diagnosis of throat cancer, has a tracheostomy, and is about to start chemo and radiotherapy.
Granted that doesn't mean he can treat his son's home and his son's wife as his own (though I really hope he wouldn't treat his fiancée like this anyway). Granted that doesn't mean the OP and her family should be stuck with him for the duration of his treatment and, God willing, recovery.
But we can cut the man a bit of slack, can't we? It's not like he's selfishly given himself cancer just so that he can come and take over the household. Besides, the OP came onto the forum for reassurance that she wasn't crazy or selfish, and she's neither of those things. She just wants to steer him back home, and gently does it would be my advice.
Now he has a very serious illness which has come on him suddenly plus a trach and a feeding tube both of which make him feel very vulnerable and not as manly as he was.
He may also be running away from his fiancee because he now feels that marriage to her is questionable because of his diagnosis and he may not be able to take care of her in the long term.
Imposeing himself on you for the long term is a whole different kettle of fish because he knows or hopes his son has control over you and will continue to do his bidding and you are abetter bet for providing terminal care should it come to that.
The Dr may say he is confident that the throat cancer can be cured with treatment but you never know till it happens and Drs are notorious for underestimating their patients prognosis. They tend to see every death as a failure on their part.
FIL may be afraid that when push comes to shove if he needs extensive care fiancee may just fade off into the mist. You on the other hand are tethered to his son whom he feels he has control over plus hubby has already demonstrated that he fully supports his fathers wishes.
Now the period during treatment will probably be pretty rough on FIL. If you have aver been around someone undergoing RT and chemo they are usually very sick and feel like cr*p so it is not unreasonable to expect you or someone else to care for him during that time.
Some ground rules need to be laid down and you have to stop letting him get away with his current behavior which also means standing up to hubby as well.
I have no problem with you cleaning and doing laundry etc. However he has to understand that taking over the whole house 24/7 is not acceptable. Does he have a TV in his room? If not put one in their or make him buy one. Return the children's toys to the living room if there is not another area where they can play. He sleeps in his bedroom not the living room. If he sleeps in a chair because it is more comfortable move that chair to his room. He is responsible for picking up his own stuff unless he becomes too sick. If you go to clean his room and it is cluttered just scoop everything up in a pile don't pick stuff up and hang it up all up.
By all means go to councilling alone or with hubby. That part is essential if you are to continue to be married to this man..
There may be some extremely difficult decisions ahead for you but you are the only one who can make them and they should always be in the best interests of your little ones.
Finally do you have older friends or relatives such as parents you can unburden yourself to. You don't have to actually take any advice but it is helpful to talk to someone who actually knows the people concerned. Best of Luck. This is not going to be easy for any of you but You can do it for the sake of your kids.
If his house is just 7 miles away, there's no reason for him to be under your roof 24/7. With cancer treatment, there are good days and bad days. He could stay with you (or your husband with him) on the bad days. The rest of the time, you explain that he stays in his own house. Also, set a 'move out' day when he won't be staying with you any more. Also, put a TV in his bedroom and that's where he can call the shots on where your son's toys can be. If you're OK with toys in the living room, FIL has to live with it or enjoy the privacy of his room (or his house). For starters, explain that everyone deserves privacy and respect. And, that he is a welcome guest in YOUR HOUSE.
If you're serving him and letting him dictate where your son's toys go, YOU are the place you need to start. Before you can think of telling him what's acceptable, you have to tell yourself that you have the right to set the rules.
1) Men love wives who get along with their families, and men tend to fall out of love with wives who don't get along with their families.
2) We can't control others. We can control only ourselves.
So to answer your question. Your husband wants his dad to live with him. You have some options. You can leave your husband, you can accept your husband's wishes, or you could try bargaining with your husband.
As for your father-in-law's behavior, you aren't going to be able to change him. If he's going to want to hang out in the living room, then that's what he's going to do.
However, you don't have to wash his clothes, clean his bathroom, or bring him anything he needs. If you want to do these things, then that's your choice. But no one can force you to do these things.
You could try bargaining with your father-in-law. You could do some of the things he wants you to do if he does some of the things you want him to do.
And then, does your father-in-law realize how you feel? Does he know that you'd like some time alone with the kids in the living room?
And you could try bargaining with your husband. Since it's really important for your husband that his father stays, then you could bargain for more time for yourself, more space, a limit on your father-in-law's stay, ...
And then, does your father-in-law have any hobbies that would take him out of the house sometimes? Are there any nearby senior centers that he could go to sometimes to socialize and enjoy himself?
Very sweetly and nicely tell Bill (or Frank or Ted or Loser or whatever your FIL's name is) that you were willing to make some temporary sacrifices, but if the situation is going to be more permanent some things will need to change. Tell him that if he is going to be staying in YOUR home, then he will be doing so as a guest and is not going to be the one calling the shots. Keep you tone sickening sweet! It will throw him off guard.
DO NOT let him push you around! Put the toys back in the living room, and insist on your kids play as loudly with them as they want - very nicely and sweetly tell him "I know the kids can be noisy, so I've created a very nice, quite room for you so that you don't have to be in the middle of the noise when the kids are playing in their own house". And keep in mind that if he doesn't like it can leave the room, it's YOUR room not his. Hide the remote so he can't find it, when he asks for it tell him you don't know where it is. Ignore his requests for food or whatever his selfish demands are (just say "okay, just a minute" then go on with whatever you are doing. You really have to show him that you will not kowtow to his selfish, demanding ways and the best way to do it is with a sweet smile on your face! He won't know what the hell has hit him!
I think when you're a married couple, both people (reasonably) expect that to allow any other person to reside in their home has to be a mutual decision. It's not something one spouse can just impose upon the other. To do so implies a lack of respect for the spouse as an equal partner and a lack of concern for their feelings and happiness. I hope most men wouldn't think that that's okay.
I told my DH what I advised you to do - and he agreed whole-heartedly. He also agrees you can't have 2 Roosters for 1 Hen. Won't work.
If you leave - you lose everything - some states call it abandonment. That's why I suggested you tell your sweetie to take his wonderful father and go live in Dad's house together for a while - he'll come around.
My DH is fond of saying that to teach a mule you first have to get his attention. A 2x4 on the head works, lol. He had to plow with a mule when he was a child.
Be brave, be firm, you ARE worth it.
How exactly did he "make you"? He told you that's what he wanted? Did you say "no, this is my house, I don't want it that way"?
You are an adult and a parent. You need to be able to say "no" in order to be able to protect your children. If you don't have the skill set to do that, seek some help from a counselor or therapist to learn those skills.