My husband & I unfortunately live in different countries for now and he is a caregiver for his parents who's health are rapidly declining especially this year. He has no siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles who can help out, so he is fully on his own. He's incredibly burnt-out & I said some things I feel terrible about last night.
Last night we had our first argument ever in 3 years because every time he's supposed to come visit, there's always something that pops up the day before with his parents. The first few times this happened I thought ok, this is just bad luck and a coincidence, but now I've caught onto the pattern. Things will be smooth sailings for a while, then all of a sudden things go south right before he's about to leave.. I think they're afraid to let him leave for a week or two and they act up (usually I'd cave & go alright I'll just come to you then, don't worry about it). He was supposed to be here a week ago but there was "scheduling issues" with the nurses coming to the home legit the day before leaving (I'm 99% sure his dad called them and messed with the schedule). Now there's "emergency appointments" all of a sudden (which aren't really emergencies) so he can't be here for another few days. This has happened before & it ends up the whole trip is cancelled cuz things keep popping up and we don't get to see each other.
I got really upset last night over video call & told him I'm starting to resent his parents for not letting him leave, the way they treat him, & for the incredible amount of debt they just discovered they're in (meaning finding proper care for them isn't an option). I also said this isn't how I expected our marriage to go & that I'm worried rarely being able to see each other is going to drive us apart, and that I don't want to stay at his parents' house anymore if I don't have to. I also told him I'm angry that he hasn't taken matters into his own hands when it comes to scheduling nurses early enough before a planned trip instead of leaving it up to his parents. I told him too that they have had over 50 years of marriage, now it's our turn to have a chance at that.. we should be building a life together, not have our lives evolve around his parents..
My poor husband is so burnt out, just exhausted and depressed. He's got so much on his plate so I feel horrible for what I said. On the other hand I've been supporting, patient, and helping out whenever I'm there. He's very hurt by what I said last night, I understand why and I should've handled it differently. He thinks our marriage isn't as strong as he thought it was before last night.
I don't know what to do to make his life easier anymore. I'd never leave him, ever, but it feels like it's starting to be too much for both of us & I'm starting to get fed up. He's trying to please everyone which is impossible, and his own well-being is on the back burner which is very sad.
Any advice on how to handle this? How can I help my husband balance his life more? How can I talk to him about how I feel without being selfish? How to talk to his parents about letting him leave once in a while despite their fears (his dad is a classic aging narcissist and his mom is very passive, making them difficult to reason with)? What kind of additional support can be set up for them to make sure they feel comfortable him being gone sometimes?
Sorry, but I think it's time for an ultimatum.
I don't know how to help him put up solid boundaries with them & explain to him in a kind way that our life together should be priority.
It doesn't seem as though your husband is a free agent, does it?
When you guys got married, did you both understand that he was bound by culture/obligation to return to his parents' country to care for them?
How can a marriage be "strong" when one of the parties is more committed to parents and not to his wife?
Was this expected care of them discussed by you two before you married?
I don't know what to do, it feels wrong and unfair to make him choose between me & his parents which is why I've let things go until last night
Best of luck to you.
Do a 180. You KNOW by now that nagging, recriminating, railing, accusing (all quite justified!) is just…NOT working on this guy. And he has had the GALL to begin to question the marriage? Oh, sheesh! YOU are the one who ought to be questioning it.
But back to the 180. Do a turnaround. Be calm and neutral on the phone, don’t argue…just basically say, “mmm-hmmm, yes,I see…” and get off the line after a few polite sentences. Distance yourself emotionally. Let him SEE that you are just…over all the quibbling about it. Don’t call him, and maybe don’t answer his calls for a day or two. When he does get in touch, just say, “oh, I assumed you were busy with them.”
If he wants you two to stay married, he will sense your distancing, and make an effort to get his priorities straight. If not, well…call a lawyer. This would be a deal-breaker for me, frankly.
What reason would come to your mind for why the husband won't come home?
I know what I'm thinking.
Granted, old people pull the fake "emergencies", the "staged" falls, and the fabricated "crises" all the time as a tool to control and manipulate the people in their lives. It's also a common practice to get attention.
There does come a time when even the people who love them the most say enough already.
The fact that your husband isn't telling his parents enough already and returning to his rightful place with you his wife, is what I'd be worried about.
His parents can be put into a care home. Such places do exist all over the world. You say they've got nurses coming and they have a house so I'm going to assume that they're not living in the third-world.
My friend, I don't want to be the one to tell you what I think you probably already know and if you don't then you probably have some suspicions.
Your husband is using his parents and the 24/7 caregiving he has to do for them as an excuse not to return home.
My guess would be he probably has another woman in the country he's living in.
I think it's time for you to take a little trip and see for yourself just how bad off your in-laws are and how much caregiving they actually need. Make it a surprise visit.
Then talk to a divorce lawyer.
There is a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud that might be useful for you and your husband to read.
He needs to get in touch with social services in their country and find out how destitute elders are cared for there.
Did your husband grow up in a culture in which parents legitimately think of their children as their retirement plan? If so, then he had no right to marry someone who didn't anticipate a life of servitude and self-abnegation.
The parents are probably in on the scam to get their married off to an American, Canadian, or Western European spouse.
This way they can also benefit from the meal-ticket status.
The baby bird grows and leaves the nest.
If the baby bird DOESN'T leave the nest when it is grown, then that baby bird is not ready to raise it's own family.
You don't have an inlaw problem.
You have a husband problem.
We cannot change others. We can only change our own choices. I think you will be very unhappy if you persist in unrealistic expectations of this man. It is said of broken marriages that the couple ALREADY KNEW what would break the marriage on the day they married. I have found this to be true, personally.
I wish you luck in your own choices. You already know things; you have choices to make that none of us can really assist you in.
Good luck
Good luck!
Clearly he has other priorities when you should be his first concern. There's probably no point in discussing that with him because he's already made up his mind that his parasite parents come first.
If you aren't legally married, it's easy. Tell him it's over. If you are legally married, there's not much you can do except to insist that he support you financially. There are laws that can make him do that. The first thing on your mind (other than you have a husband who isn't being a good husband) is that you don't need to get pregnant. The issues you have now will be hugely magnified if you bear his child. Don't do it. Life will become immensely more difficult if you become a single mother.
I'm really very sorry you're going through this.
You were not wrong in telling DH what you did. He needs to know how you feel. You r not to blame here. A good marriage takes two people. Not a wife doing her share and the husband doing what ever. I think u have gotten the point that a couple of our members feel ur being scammed. Does this man have a green card? Even if he does, he has a foreign passport.
"Can I travel outside the U.S. with a green card? Yes, you can travel abroad as a green card holder — that's one of the many benefits of being a permanent resident. However, your trip must be temporary and you cannot remain outside the United States for more than 1 year."
How long has your husband been out of the US? Sounds like most of your married life. I may call that abandonment. I think you need to see a lawyer. You maybe able to get the marriage annulled. Like said, if ur sending money, stop.
I think you are here because you know something is not quite right. Time to let him go. You deserve better.
The husband could very well be returning to the United States periodically to abide by the rules of his greencard without letting his wife know he's here.
This lady is getting scammed good and no mistake.
Maybe he is proud & won't say he doesn’t know what else to do, who to ask for help.
Hopefully he can find support - a men's group or men's helpline, his faith or older uncles to teach him. How to be a good son but also how to be a husband.
Maybe it will or maybe it won't be in time to save this marriage with Ellamo.
PS. But I'd also pull that surprise visit - in case the other woman scenario was correct. Better to know than waste more time.
After reading the comments here and given the information the OP provided, this is not a committed family man.
Quite the contrary, This sounds more and more like a romance scammer that wanted a greencard and an American meal-ticket. Or a reliable western European or Canadian one.
The OP needs to lay down the law here. Either they make a home together like a real married couple or else it's 'Adios' and good luck with the parents in whatever banana republic or third-world country the husband is in because he can stay there.
This OP needs to see a divorce lawyer and an immigration one.
Please do not bring him home, he will make you miserable. He is as much as a narcissist as daddy. Blaming you for your feelings is a waving red flag that you made a huge mistake marrying this worthless male. Are you to blame that his mommy and daddy got old too?
Divorce him and move on!
Since you will never leave him you have no option but to accept that he is tied to them forever.
It's not them it's him, he has no backbone, obviously he is more attached to them than he is to you.
There are red flags waving in your face, pay attention.
This sounds fishy. I would see a divorce lawyer and get out of it. It sounds like a scam setup. How is he supporting himself? Does he have a job in this other country? Don't send him any more money if you've been sending it.
Tell him you want to say hello to his lovely parents !!
if they're asleep, that’s okay… just tip toe in the room and point the camera at them.
just be very quiet as to NOT Disturb them .
The reason for writing this is that you (like them) feel committed to the guy, and don’t want the ‘other life priorities’ to be true. It’s a very very good idea to push it. You will be very bitter if you find out that the doubts on this thread are true, but the sooner you push it and find out, the less there is to be bitter about. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
I normally do not recommend ultimatums. But in this case, I don’t think you have anything to lose by one . It may answer some questions . I also recommend the surprise visit for answers .
I’m certainly not suggesting that this is the case for you and your husband, it’s just that it could just possibly stack up! Worth a thought!
I think your husband just never learned how to say "no' to anyone. Except you.
Here's the thing. To marry, one must be a free agent and able to commit to be starting a new family unit.
HE has to make a choice, to commit to being married to you, and helping his parents ARRANGE care for themselves (no, Dad, I can't come take care of you.).
If he can't do that, he isn't living up to his part of the marriage contract.
It's just that simple. This is not a temporary problem, like a brief, acute illness or accident. This is an on-going "rest of their lives" scenario.
You would do well to seek an annulment or divorce now
This possibility does not help to solve the problem ellamo brought to us, but it suggests that the problem she brought to us is the relationship among her, her husband, and his parents. If there are any groups/organizations where ellamo lives that support immigrants from her husband's country, she could do well to get some counseling from that organization. (We do have that possibility where I Ilve through our International Institute.) They might be much better equipped to help her than we are! Understand that I'm not discounting all the suggestions that have been made, but that the first step may be to take the situation at face value. If her husband is, for example,, from England or New Zealand, or France, I am probably way off. But if he is from a 3rd-world country or from some Eastern or African cultures, then I believe the situation needs to be looked at from that cultural viewpoint first.
If he values his marriage he needs to figure something out. If he can't or won't do that, then he's chosen his path. File for divorce.
If he knew he had this level of responsibility towards his parents, he really had no business getting married and subjecting a wife to this treatment. You as his wife should come first. Shame on him.
How is he working and supporting both of you financially through all of this? Is there a reason why you can't go see him? Is there a reason why he can't move them into managed care? How about if you go over there and help him find managed care for them? Does your husband indicate that we wants to come home except that his parent's health prevents that?
Within the last 6 months, I've realized that I cannot leave my Mom in managed care for even a week. In June, it was abscessed teeth. In September it was sepsis. It isn't the managed care's fault. My Mom is obstinate and will refuse their help and insist that she has already done something when she hasn't.
If your husband truly wants out of his situation, he needs your help to get out. Use his guidance to find out what help he needs to get out of the situation. Go visit him and see what the situation is like.
On the other hand, if he is grumbling, but likes the "feeling needed" so he doesn't want to go forward and make a life with you, I'd go to counselling, just you, to determine what your next steps are.
If one or both of his parents pass, he will not be the same person that you married anyway.
((HUGS))
P.S. Since his Dad is a narcissist and his mom is very passive, don't bother trying to talk to them about your husband unless his Dad has a very deep respect for you. Even then, the only one who can get his Dad to change his mind, is your husband, himself....and your husband might be too tired to fight....which is just where his Dad wants him to be.