My husband & I unfortunately live in different countries for now and he is a caregiver for his parents who's health are rapidly declining especially this year. He has no siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles who can help out, so he is fully on his own. He's incredibly burnt-out & I said some things I feel terrible about last night.
Last night we had our first argument ever in 3 years because every time he's supposed to come visit, there's always something that pops up the day before with his parents. The first few times this happened I thought ok, this is just bad luck and a coincidence, but now I've caught onto the pattern. Things will be smooth sailings for a while, then all of a sudden things go south right before he's about to leave.. I think they're afraid to let him leave for a week or two and they act up (usually I'd cave & go alright I'll just come to you then, don't worry about it). He was supposed to be here a week ago but there was "scheduling issues" with the nurses coming to the home legit the day before leaving (I'm 99% sure his dad called them and messed with the schedule). Now there's "emergency appointments" all of a sudden (which aren't really emergencies) so he can't be here for another few days. This has happened before & it ends up the whole trip is cancelled cuz things keep popping up and we don't get to see each other.
I got really upset last night over video call & told him I'm starting to resent his parents for not letting him leave, the way they treat him, & for the incredible amount of debt they just discovered they're in (meaning finding proper care for them isn't an option). I also said this isn't how I expected our marriage to go & that I'm worried rarely being able to see each other is going to drive us apart, and that I don't want to stay at his parents' house anymore if I don't have to. I also told him I'm angry that he hasn't taken matters into his own hands when it comes to scheduling nurses early enough before a planned trip instead of leaving it up to his parents. I told him too that they have had over 50 years of marriage, now it's our turn to have a chance at that.. we should be building a life together, not have our lives evolve around his parents..
My poor husband is so burnt out, just exhausted and depressed. He's got so much on his plate so I feel horrible for what I said. On the other hand I've been supporting, patient, and helping out whenever I'm there. He's very hurt by what I said last night, I understand why and I should've handled it differently. He thinks our marriage isn't as strong as he thought it was before last night.
I don't know what to do to make his life easier anymore. I'd never leave him, ever, but it feels like it's starting to be too much for both of us & I'm starting to get fed up. He's trying to please everyone which is impossible, and his own well-being is on the back burner which is very sad.
Any advice on how to handle this? How can I help my husband balance his life more? How can I talk to him about how I feel without being selfish? How to talk to his parents about letting him leave once in a while despite their fears (his dad is a classic aging narcissist and his mom is very passive, making them difficult to reason with)? What kind of additional support can be set up for them to make sure they feel comfortable him being gone sometimes?
You said you and he have never actually lived together (other than occasional short visits). That makes him a part-time friend, not a loving spouse that you can rely upon.
You also said that you would never divorce him. Why not? You don’t have a husband, you have a part-time selfish leech. You need to re-think never divorcing, because even in religions it is firmly said that a husband is supposed to cleave to his wife, not his parents. Your part-time leech obviously doesn’t believe in cleaving to you. He remains firmly cleaved to his selfish parents.
If I were you, I would open my eyes to this painful situation, make a list of exact dates he ever visited YOUR HOUSE from the date you married, the exact dates he on short notice or zero notice canceled his travel plans to visit you, etc….
Then go visit a savvy experienced lawyer about getting an annulment because your part-time leech married you under false pretense. If the lawyer says that an annulment is not possible, protect all your money, home ownership, MAKE A WILL specifically mentioning that he is not to inherit from you, etc…and then file immediately for divorce.
If you stay married too long, or you don’t take his name off your bank accounts and so on, you can find yourself in a world of trouble.
I know you have been given a lot of excellent advice, most of which has probably stung you badly and shocked you, but a shock is what you need in order to get your rear in gear and fix this unsavable marriage and mess.
I agree wholeheartedly with what Bounce wrote:
“…I can tell it's going to be heartbreaking for you to accept that the way it's been for three years just isn't right.... But it's better to realize and accept that now instead of wasting any more of your good years hoping it's going to be different with this man!
I feel like God has the right person out there for all of us and this includes you Ellamo. Someone who wants to be with you every day, live in the same house as you AND build his life with you! The longer you stay in your current marriage, it's keeping you from finding the one who can truly make you happy. I wish you all the best.” - end quote from Bounce -
We all want you to have a loving, mature full marriage with a man who is your everything, not a marriage with a part-time selfish leech which is what you are enduring right now.
Get on it! We are pulling for you!
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edited to add: please do not have any children with this man. That condition would tie him to you and your house and citizenship forever. Do not rely upon condoms…sneaky people since the dawn of condom-use have arranged for condoms to fail. If he thinks you really plan to leave him, he could conceivably (double-entendre) woo you full court press with romantic intimate relations, and purposely impregnate you so you will never leave. Make sure your gyno puts you on close to foolproof contraception, keep your contraceptive actions secret from him, then assuming you normally use condoms, let him continue to use a condom, and if he sneakily pricks his condom to try impregnate you, you should still be shielded and okay via your own secret contraception. You cannot be too careful!
I don't like to point fingers on these forums. I had some harsh comments directed toward me when I asked for help, and it hurt. So. . .
It may be that you have to acknowledge that he was not ready to marry. There is a "contract" in marriage that a couple will be there for each other, support each other, grow a life together. I am not hearing that he is doing much of this for you and you have tried over the course of 3 years to try to be together. It's not 50/50, it's 100/100 if it will work at all.
His commitment to his parents; he cannot share that same commitment with you. Without questioning culture, or family dynamics, or motivations, it seems clear he was not ready to make a commitment to marriage and all that it entails. Your choice now is whether you continue in this unorthodox and unfulfilling arrangement or say to him that clearly, he wasn't ready for the commitment, and you will relieve him of it through annulment/divorce. Perhaps when he is really ready and IF you are still available, you can talk and see if the love is still there, but for now, for your life's fulfillment, this arrangement is detrimental to you.
Do what is right for you - even the loving thing - and offer/decide to release him from this mistake you have both made. He can concentrate on his parents, and you can concentrate on moving on. I wish you well in the journey ahead.
I came to the forum asking what to do, and everyone that's answered your question basically told me the same thing. I do worry for you that your husband has another woman (or maybe another family!) in the country where he's living. I hate ultimatums, but he needs to know this situation cannot go on indefinitely. No one deserves to be in "second place" in their own marriage. I can tell you it's left me an angry, lonely and depressed person. :(
Sending virtual hugs your way. This situation is just unfair and you (and I) need to find a way out.
DO NOT let this man USE you or string you along with his excuses. It’s time for you to give him an ultimatum that he has to choose whether he wants to be with you or with his parents. If he chooses his parents, then be strong and divorce him. There are many other fishes in the sea.
I told him we need a "break", explained why, and he did not take it well. He is still convinced he is the good guy & I'm the bad guy. He's made his choice & it's heartbreaking.
All my friends say that if they were him they'd make the trip over even just for a few days esp when the marriage is clearly about to fall apart. He however isn't budging, his parents have him wrapped around their fingers.
Oh well. Sad situation, but I'm already feeling better honestly..
Thank u all for ur support 💖
Wishing you continued happiness.
Please plan to see a lawyer soon to discuss your options and protect yourself and your assets.
A 20 year age difference in a big hurdle to overcome in any marriage. His and his parents' expectations clearly differ from yours.
Wishing you good things for your future.
For the last 10 years of her life (she passed at 95), each and every time my husband and I tried to leave on a weekend get away or a mini vacation, some type of medical 'crisis' would come up that we would have to cancel all our plans - a couple times the ER called me as we were driving to airport (had to turn around and cancel everything - she had fallen because she had tried to move the outdoor planter by herself, or even though I would forewarn her about an upcoming trip, she would go and do something like schedule a surgery (can't tall you how many anniversary dinners or trips were missed because of this). We were going to do a 2 day quickie to Vegas - for a break - and mother called her GP to tell her that we were abandoning her and she couldn't manage on her own....there went that trip.
Mother passed 2 years ago, and all those years of stress are finally catching up to me and my health and my husband's health has deteriorated as well. The trips we wanted to take are now mere memories in a travel brochure. All our 'prime' years for enjoying life after working all our lives - gone.
There will always be an excuse, an emergency, a pressing matter, that will prevent your husband from participating in the marriage. And every time he will try to put into place additional support, it will be nixed and protested and the guilt will be heavy handed and oppressive. And unless your husband can steel himself to all this, it will be challenging to change the situation..
The argument you had is because everything is simmering away - and nothing is changing or getting resolved. Most certainly an understandable level of frustration. He needs to consider YOUR feelings, unless he has decided that his parents are his priority - at which point he has made his choice.. You are not being selfish - you want a marriage - a real marriage - not a long distance one. Even if you went where he was, things would not really change and you might even take on caregiving duties (to maybe people who won't appreciate it) to try to help him. And what if this continues for another 3, 5, 10 years or longer? But this is something he has to do and deal with.