My husband & I unfortunately live in different countries for now and he is a caregiver for his parents who's health are rapidly declining especially this year. He has no siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles who can help out, so he is fully on his own. He's incredibly burnt-out & I said some things I feel terrible about last night.
Last night we had our first argument ever in 3 years because every time he's supposed to come visit, there's always something that pops up the day before with his parents. The first few times this happened I thought ok, this is just bad luck and a coincidence, but now I've caught onto the pattern. Things will be smooth sailings for a while, then all of a sudden things go south right before he's about to leave.. I think they're afraid to let him leave for a week or two and they act up (usually I'd cave & go alright I'll just come to you then, don't worry about it). He was supposed to be here a week ago but there was "scheduling issues" with the nurses coming to the home legit the day before leaving (I'm 99% sure his dad called them and messed with the schedule). Now there's "emergency appointments" all of a sudden (which aren't really emergencies) so he can't be here for another few days. This has happened before & it ends up the whole trip is cancelled cuz things keep popping up and we don't get to see each other.
I got really upset last night over video call & told him I'm starting to resent his parents for not letting him leave, the way they treat him, & for the incredible amount of debt they just discovered they're in (meaning finding proper care for them isn't an option). I also said this isn't how I expected our marriage to go & that I'm worried rarely being able to see each other is going to drive us apart, and that I don't want to stay at his parents' house anymore if I don't have to. I also told him I'm angry that he hasn't taken matters into his own hands when it comes to scheduling nurses early enough before a planned trip instead of leaving it up to his parents. I told him too that they have had over 50 years of marriage, now it's our turn to have a chance at that.. we should be building a life together, not have our lives evolve around his parents..
My poor husband is so burnt out, just exhausted and depressed. He's got so much on his plate so I feel horrible for what I said. On the other hand I've been supporting, patient, and helping out whenever I'm there. He's very hurt by what I said last night, I understand why and I should've handled it differently. He thinks our marriage isn't as strong as he thought it was before last night.
I don't know what to do to make his life easier anymore. I'd never leave him, ever, but it feels like it's starting to be too much for both of us & I'm starting to get fed up. He's trying to please everyone which is impossible, and his own well-being is on the back burner which is very sad.
Any advice on how to handle this? How can I help my husband balance his life more? How can I talk to him about how I feel without being selfish? How to talk to his parents about letting him leave once in a while despite their fears (his dad is a classic aging narcissist and his mom is very passive, making them difficult to reason with)? What kind of additional support can be set up for them to make sure they feel comfortable him being gone sometimes?
For the last 10 years of her life (she passed at 95), each and every time my husband and I tried to leave on a weekend get away or a mini vacation, some type of medical 'crisis' would come up that we would have to cancel all our plans - a couple times the ER called me as we were driving to airport (had to turn around and cancel everything - she had fallen because she had tried to move the outdoor planter by herself, or even though I would forewarn her about an upcoming trip, she would go and do something like schedule a surgery (can't tall you how many anniversary dinners or trips were missed because of this). We were going to do a 2 day quickie to Vegas - for a break - and mother called her GP to tell her that we were abandoning her and she couldn't manage on her own....there went that trip.
Mother passed 2 years ago, and all those years of stress are finally catching up to me and my health and my husband's health has deteriorated as well. The trips we wanted to take are now mere memories in a travel brochure. All our 'prime' years for enjoying life after working all our lives - gone.
There will always be an excuse, an emergency, a pressing matter, that will prevent your husband from participating in the marriage. And every time he will try to put into place additional support, it will be nixed and protested and the guilt will be heavy handed and oppressive. And unless your husband can steel himself to all this, it will be challenging to change the situation..
The argument you had is because everything is simmering away - and nothing is changing or getting resolved. Most certainly an understandable level of frustration. He needs to consider YOUR feelings, unless he has decided that his parents are his priority - at which point he has made his choice.. You are not being selfish - you want a marriage - a real marriage - not a long distance one. Even if you went where he was, things would not really change and you might even take on caregiving duties (to maybe people who won't appreciate it) to try to help him. And what if this continues for another 3, 5, 10 years or longer? But this is something he has to do and deal with.
Please plan to see a lawyer soon to discuss your options and protect yourself and your assets.
A 20 year age difference in a big hurdle to overcome in any marriage. His and his parents' expectations clearly differ from yours.
Wishing you good things for your future.
I told him we need a "break", explained why, and he did not take it well. He is still convinced he is the good guy & I'm the bad guy. He's made his choice & it's heartbreaking.
All my friends say that if they were him they'd make the trip over even just for a few days esp when the marriage is clearly about to fall apart. He however isn't budging, his parents have him wrapped around their fingers.
Oh well. Sad situation, but I'm already feeling better honestly..
Thank u all for ur support 💖
Wishing you continued happiness.
DO NOT let this man USE you or string you along with his excuses. It’s time for you to give him an ultimatum that he has to choose whether he wants to be with you or with his parents. If he chooses his parents, then be strong and divorce him. There are many other fishes in the sea.
I came to the forum asking what to do, and everyone that's answered your question basically told me the same thing. I do worry for you that your husband has another woman (or maybe another family!) in the country where he's living. I hate ultimatums, but he needs to know this situation cannot go on indefinitely. No one deserves to be in "second place" in their own marriage. I can tell you it's left me an angry, lonely and depressed person. :(
Sending virtual hugs your way. This situation is just unfair and you (and I) need to find a way out.
I don't like to point fingers on these forums. I had some harsh comments directed toward me when I asked for help, and it hurt. So. . .
It may be that you have to acknowledge that he was not ready to marry. There is a "contract" in marriage that a couple will be there for each other, support each other, grow a life together. I am not hearing that he is doing much of this for you and you have tried over the course of 3 years to try to be together. It's not 50/50, it's 100/100 if it will work at all.
His commitment to his parents; he cannot share that same commitment with you. Without questioning culture, or family dynamics, or motivations, it seems clear he was not ready to make a commitment to marriage and all that it entails. Your choice now is whether you continue in this unorthodox and unfulfilling arrangement or say to him that clearly, he wasn't ready for the commitment, and you will relieve him of it through annulment/divorce. Perhaps when he is really ready and IF you are still available, you can talk and see if the love is still there, but for now, for your life's fulfillment, this arrangement is detrimental to you.
Do what is right for you - even the loving thing - and offer/decide to release him from this mistake you have both made. He can concentrate on his parents, and you can concentrate on moving on. I wish you well in the journey ahead.
You said you and he have never actually lived together (other than occasional short visits). That makes him a part-time friend, not a loving spouse that you can rely upon.
You also said that you would never divorce him. Why not? You don’t have a husband, you have a part-time selfish leech. You need to re-think never divorcing, because even in religions it is firmly said that a husband is supposed to cleave to his wife, not his parents. Your part-time leech obviously doesn’t believe in cleaving to you. He remains firmly cleaved to his selfish parents.
If I were you, I would open my eyes to this painful situation, make a list of exact dates he ever visited YOUR HOUSE from the date you married, the exact dates he on short notice or zero notice canceled his travel plans to visit you, etc….
Then go visit a savvy experienced lawyer about getting an annulment because your part-time leech married you under false pretense. If the lawyer says that an annulment is not possible, protect all your money, home ownership, MAKE A WILL specifically mentioning that he is not to inherit from you, etc…and then file immediately for divorce.
If you stay married too long, or you don’t take his name off your bank accounts and so on, you can find yourself in a world of trouble.
I know you have been given a lot of excellent advice, most of which has probably stung you badly and shocked you, but a shock is what you need in order to get your rear in gear and fix this unsavable marriage and mess.
I agree wholeheartedly with what Bounce wrote:
“…I can tell it's going to be heartbreaking for you to accept that the way it's been for three years just isn't right.... But it's better to realize and accept that now instead of wasting any more of your good years hoping it's going to be different with this man!
I feel like God has the right person out there for all of us and this includes you Ellamo. Someone who wants to be with you every day, live in the same house as you AND build his life with you! The longer you stay in your current marriage, it's keeping you from finding the one who can truly make you happy. I wish you all the best.” - end quote from Bounce -
We all want you to have a loving, mature full marriage with a man who is your everything, not a marriage with a part-time selfish leech which is what you are enduring right now.
Get on it! We are pulling for you!
———————
edited to add: please do not have any children with this man. That condition would tie him to you and your house and citizenship forever. Do not rely upon condoms…sneaky people since the dawn of condom-use have arranged for condoms to fail. If he thinks you really plan to leave him, he could conceivably (double-entendre) woo you full court press with romantic intimate relations, and purposely impregnate you so you will never leave. Make sure your gyno puts you on close to foolproof contraception, keep your contraceptive actions secret from him, then assuming you normally use condoms, let him continue to use a condom, and if he sneakily pricks his condom to try impregnate you, you should still be shielded and okay via your own secret contraception. You cannot be too careful!
How is he working and supporting both of you financially through all of this? Is there a reason why you can't go see him? Is there a reason why he can't move them into managed care? How about if you go over there and help him find managed care for them? Does your husband indicate that we wants to come home except that his parent's health prevents that?
Within the last 6 months, I've realized that I cannot leave my Mom in managed care for even a week. In June, it was abscessed teeth. In September it was sepsis. It isn't the managed care's fault. My Mom is obstinate and will refuse their help and insist that she has already done something when she hasn't.
If your husband truly wants out of his situation, he needs your help to get out. Use his guidance to find out what help he needs to get out of the situation. Go visit him and see what the situation is like.
On the other hand, if he is grumbling, but likes the "feeling needed" so he doesn't want to go forward and make a life with you, I'd go to counselling, just you, to determine what your next steps are.
If one or both of his parents pass, he will not be the same person that you married anyway.
((HUGS))
P.S. Since his Dad is a narcissist and his mom is very passive, don't bother trying to talk to them about your husband unless his Dad has a very deep respect for you. Even then, the only one who can get his Dad to change his mind, is your husband, himself....and your husband might be too tired to fight....which is just where his Dad wants him to be.
If he values his marriage he needs to figure something out. If he can't or won't do that, then he's chosen his path. File for divorce.
If he knew he had this level of responsibility towards his parents, he really had no business getting married and subjecting a wife to this treatment. You as his wife should come first. Shame on him.
This possibility does not help to solve the problem ellamo brought to us, but it suggests that the problem she brought to us is the relationship among her, her husband, and his parents. If there are any groups/organizations where ellamo lives that support immigrants from her husband's country, she could do well to get some counseling from that organization. (We do have that possibility where I Ilve through our International Institute.) They might be much better equipped to help her than we are! Understand that I'm not discounting all the suggestions that have been made, but that the first step may be to take the situation at face value. If her husband is, for example,, from England or New Zealand, or France, I am probably way off. But if he is from a 3rd-world country or from some Eastern or African cultures, then I believe the situation needs to be looked at from that cultural viewpoint first.
I think your husband just never learned how to say "no' to anyone. Except you.
Here's the thing. To marry, one must be a free agent and able to commit to be starting a new family unit.
HE has to make a choice, to commit to being married to you, and helping his parents ARRANGE care for themselves (no, Dad, I can't come take care of you.).
If he can't do that, he isn't living up to his part of the marriage contract.
It's just that simple. This is not a temporary problem, like a brief, acute illness or accident. This is an on-going "rest of their lives" scenario.
You would do well to seek an annulment or divorce now
I’m certainly not suggesting that this is the case for you and your husband, it’s just that it could just possibly stack up! Worth a thought!
I normally do not recommend ultimatums. But in this case, I don’t think you have anything to lose by one . It may answer some questions . I also recommend the surprise visit for answers .
The reason for writing this is that you (like them) feel committed to the guy, and don’t want the ‘other life priorities’ to be true. It’s a very very good idea to push it. You will be very bitter if you find out that the doubts on this thread are true, but the sooner you push it and find out, the less there is to be bitter about. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
This sounds fishy. I would see a divorce lawyer and get out of it. It sounds like a scam setup. How is he supporting himself? Does he have a job in this other country? Don't send him any more money if you've been sending it.
Tell him you want to say hello to his lovely parents !!
if they're asleep, that’s okay… just tip toe in the room and point the camera at them.
just be very quiet as to NOT Disturb them .
Since you will never leave him you have no option but to accept that he is tied to them forever.
It's not them it's him, he has no backbone, obviously he is more attached to them than he is to you.
There are red flags waving in your face, pay attention.
Please do not bring him home, he will make you miserable. He is as much as a narcissist as daddy. Blaming you for your feelings is a waving red flag that you made a huge mistake marrying this worthless male. Are you to blame that his mommy and daddy got old too?
Divorce him and move on!
Maybe he is proud & won't say he doesn’t know what else to do, who to ask for help.
Hopefully he can find support - a men's group or men's helpline, his faith or older uncles to teach him. How to be a good son but also how to be a husband.
Maybe it will or maybe it won't be in time to save this marriage with Ellamo.
PS. But I'd also pull that surprise visit - in case the other woman scenario was correct. Better to know than waste more time.
After reading the comments here and given the information the OP provided, this is not a committed family man.
Quite the contrary, This sounds more and more like a romance scammer that wanted a greencard and an American meal-ticket. Or a reliable western European or Canadian one.
The OP needs to lay down the law here. Either they make a home together like a real married couple or else it's 'Adios' and good luck with the parents in whatever banana republic or third-world country the husband is in because he can stay there.
This OP needs to see a divorce lawyer and an immigration one.
You were not wrong in telling DH what you did. He needs to know how you feel. You r not to blame here. A good marriage takes two people. Not a wife doing her share and the husband doing what ever. I think u have gotten the point that a couple of our members feel ur being scammed. Does this man have a green card? Even if he does, he has a foreign passport.
"Can I travel outside the U.S. with a green card? Yes, you can travel abroad as a green card holder — that's one of the many benefits of being a permanent resident. However, your trip must be temporary and you cannot remain outside the United States for more than 1 year."
How long has your husband been out of the US? Sounds like most of your married life. I may call that abandonment. I think you need to see a lawyer. You maybe able to get the marriage annulled. Like said, if ur sending money, stop.
I think you are here because you know something is not quite right. Time to let him go. You deserve better.
The husband could very well be returning to the United States periodically to abide by the rules of his greencard without letting his wife know he's here.
This lady is getting scammed good and no mistake.
Clearly he has other priorities when you should be his first concern. There's probably no point in discussing that with him because he's already made up his mind that his parasite parents come first.
If you aren't legally married, it's easy. Tell him it's over. If you are legally married, there's not much you can do except to insist that he support you financially. There are laws that can make him do that. The first thing on your mind (other than you have a husband who isn't being a good husband) is that you don't need to get pregnant. The issues you have now will be hugely magnified if you bear his child. Don't do it. Life will become immensely more difficult if you become a single mother.
I'm really very sorry you're going through this.
Good luck!