Is the Golden Rule just a myth?

I think if you want to follow this golden rule and you expect all others to do so it is a conversation that needs to be had from a very young age. Your golden rule criteria may be very different from other people's.

I am assuming which is wrong on my part that you might feel agitated by your sibling’s unresponsiveness. Not knowing your family history, I don’t have any data by which to make a response. What I can say from experience is that each person chooses the rule(s) they live by. The Golden Rule is congruent with Natural Law of Creation. We can only follow it ourselves. Modeling it by living it is the way we teach its’ veracity to others who are able to receive its truth. Expectations for others to live it is a resentment waiting to happen which is why Jesus taught us not to judge.
Peace.

There are unfortunately a lot of folks who sidestep the Golden Rule themselves but fully expect you to adhere to it. Treating them as you would want to be treated while they choose to either be exploitative and/or downright abusive. We must
put ourselves into the equation and ask if we want to continue to be abused or
exploited. If not, then we must reconsider how we care for these personality disordered family members (dementia/alzheimers are another matter)

It is heart breaking to pull back and watch loved ones struggle alone or with their chosen dysfunctional cohorts because they refuse to treat us with dignity. I do not believe that ruining our own health, equanimity, our finances, our families, is a loving thing to do to ourselves and s is in violation of the Golden Rule. There must be some sort of balance to our actions

My 87 year-old mother has treated my brother (my only sibling) as the golden-haired boy for all of my adult life. Each time I have offered to help her do things, or do tings for her, or arrange to have things done for her, she answers that my brother will do it. (My brother won't do it.) She has rejected offers and actual attempts to clean and declutter (to put it mildly)and fix up her house so she can live there safely. I have experienced emotional abuse from her for years. Almost two years ago, after being screamed at one more time, I stopped offering to help, stopped making suggestions, and told her if she wanted my help all she had to do was ask. I told my brother the same thing. Nothing was ever done to clean or fix up the house. Now, she lives with my brother and his wife, along with her 21 year-old great grandson who has Down Syndrome. After about three months, everyone in the house is miserable except for the great-grandson. I call and speak to my mother and brother, but I do not go to their house or offer to do anything specific. I still tell them to let me know if they need help with anything, but they do not ask. My suggestions and recommendations are either ignored or met with hostility. My brother is losing his mind. I don;t understand how his wife is still living with them. My point here is that no matter how much you may want to help your parent, he or she must want your help. For years, every time I offered to get her house cleaned and de-hoarded, she would yell or scream at me "just let me live until I die". Later, she will say no one will help her. Now that she's miserable living in my brother's home, she says she had no choice because no one would help her stay in her own house. So, I keep my distance. I respect her by not arguing with her. This means phone calls, taking care of her checking account, paying her bills, scheduling medical appointments, and listening to my brother when he's upset. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to help your parent, it may not be possible.

Abby 2018, you hit the nail on the head. The "boys" get a pass...what is wrong with boys is their mothers allow them to get by without being responsible for anything unpleasant in life and us "girls" are supposed to do the caregiving - mom had it planned all along that the girls would do it. Been there and I know how you feel. My brother could not be counted on to visit or do anything before or after my mom became dependent. I had to do it all. I am a polio survivor - had 20+ surgeries every summer until I was 18 (Mom could not be there because she was "sick" every time, every summer). Surgeries started at 8 months old and my grandmother was always there at the hospital for me, not my mother. Now, I am expected to keep her happy and healthy. She is 93. I try not to be bitter but I am 66, recently retired, married, and would like to do things and go places with my husband, who has been very patient for the last 10 years! This all started at 83 with hospitalizations (I lost a job over), mini strokes, etc. Mom has been in a nursing home with vascular dementia for two years, but she is physically able to walk and do some things for herself. She has voiced to others that she thinks I should move into her house and take care of her so she doesn't have to be in the nursing home. Right, leave my husband? It is a guilt trip every time I go see her (which is several times per week). She has been "sick" my entire life - but she has been fortunate to make it to 93. We can try and live by the Golden Rule but I don't think it was intended for us to forego all of our happiness and joy in life, just to satisfy someone who was not there for us. I love my Mom and I know my sons are watching, but I believe that it is our own responsibility to plan for our old age. There are a lot of people in the world that have had abusive and neglectful parents and I do not believe that they should have to take care of their parents in their old age. You can honor them by making sure they are safe and cared for well, but you should not have to give up your life unless you just want to. "Reap what you sow" is more applicable for some of us. Just know that it is a "no win" situation and do the best you can for her and for you, but don't shoulder all of the burden alone. Keep after those siblings until they help! She is their mother, too!

We can’t keep the golden rule. We can’t keep any of the commandments from any religion. That’s the whole point of laws and commandments. We fail Then we ask God to forgive us and fill us with Hos Spirit Who GIVES us the capability and desire to accomplish what He asks. And it doesn’t happen overnight. And yes you can ask for hel from others. And yes you can tell your parent “no” or “that hurts” Pray first and try to show God’s love when you speak. If your parent is as nasty as mine, it’s likely they aren’t saved and you won’t see them later in heaven. You may not want to see them there! But is that what God wants? Ask him for patience and He gives you annoying people to practice on. He is sandpapering your rough edges off as well as working on your parent

You are following God’s law: honor your father and your mother, that it may be well with you and that you may live long in the land. This is the first commandment with promise. God’s blessings so often come disguised as trials, and you cannot fulfill His law without His Spirit in you. It is ok to ask your sister to spend time with your parent so you can refresh or get things done. I have found that if I don’t speak up people assume everything is fine the way things are. I need to learn to ask, maybe even insist.
And you are right. You and your sibling are both training your children in the way to care for you two when the time comes. It’s just like training a baby animal: whoever does the time consuming work of training receives the loyalty and love down the road.
if Sis wontystep up ask church members to step in and use their giftswof care and hospitality to help out. We are called to bear one another’s burdens in love. Ask and you shall receive.

Great concept.....BUT in life I have found easier said than done. Especially with family members. I think it’s rather easy to do with strangers and those you are not really connected to emotionally. I wish I had the compassion and patience necessary to be the caregiver my mom will need moving forward, but family dynamics have caused bitterness to settle in over the decades. I can only truly forgive from a distance because of the toxic nature of mom’s personality.
My daughter was diagnosed with a chronic illness at a year old. She didn’t walk until she was eight. She’s undergone over twenty surgeries and now as an adult still deals with mobility issues. Mom never helped out once. Wouldn’t even watch my two sons for her dr. appts. because she was too sick (conveniently)....but still pretty healthy for 89, all things considered. When my brother had his children she stepped in and took care of both his kids until they went to school. And now she insists on staying in her home with her own mobility decline and sister and I are expected to step up and my brother gets a pass because he is the golden boy. I do the basics only through sense of duty.....but refuse to put my life on hold to care for her full time.
Long winded yes, but only to prove the point that while the “Golden Rule” is certainly something to strive for, in my situation with my mother, if I followed through, it would make me nothing more than a doormat. “Reap what you sow” is also biblical.....and I’m sure it applies to many of us.

After thinking about this more, there is a society wide problem with general behavior "rules" like the Golden Rule. They desparately need clarification regarding the specific circumstances to which they apply. They also need "If, Then" specifics. The GR might be modified to "If everyone you deal with expects the same standards of treatment from you/group and delivers the same standards of treatment to you/group, then do unto others ..........etc." IF you are treating a person well and the person IS NOT treating you as well, THEN the Golden Rule does not apply and do not follow it for this person - follow it at your own risk! Children would especially benefit from learning early on to think crictically about instruction/advice like this as "IF, THEN" and the unspoken assumptions made about the rule and other nonsense they are exposed to about behavior, and maybe society would be less messed up later!

It's a myth. Example 1: Mother never went beyond to help anyone her entire life (so no example to her kids, aside from providing basics to kids & extras that were mainly to show outside world there was elements of normality - "BASIC" no frills budget type summer vacation, etc) and she now has all but one kid (me) "going beyond" by helping her into 80s with largely non essential things like never ending house maintenence projects when she should sell and downsize. She did send all kids to traditional religious school where they ingrained/brainwased from early age that parents SACRIFICED, SACRIFIED for you (forget the part that you didn't ask that parents spend tuition on that school & public school would have been fine/better or even to be brought into the world). So she let others hammer the kids for her about parent sacrifice. Also think she spent the $ on that school to look good to her sibs, etc., not that she truly believed the religious dogma other than loving that they emphasized parental supremacy. One approach to consider for people later wanting their kids to take care of them! (but start kids YOUNG in those schools)

Example 2: One of my sibs says outright she is basically being a nonpaid house maintenence organizer/driver (which would go away if mother used free senior transport which she refuses to do and sold the house she cannot maintain which she refuses to do) as an example to her kids of how to treat her when older. So there is clearly a self related interest there. Sib has no guarentee that this "example" will work.

Example 3: As child and well into adulthood I tried excessively to please/treat mother as she wanted - get good grades as she loved those principal dinners honoring honor roll students and PARENTS, excelling at activities she liked (if she didn't like activity she never appeared for game/event, such as sports team NOT ONCE), dutifully returing for holidays when I really wanted to do other things (looked good to her sibs that kids "reported" back to her as adults), but nothing really triggered ACTION with her to go beyond for me which I did need as a child/adult - one example is other parents at the school would reward friends with great grades with going out to dinner, having friend's event or similar oriented to the CHILD, but never my mother. NEVER. NOT ONCE. Just "good job" words which are CHEAP and EASY. I was eternally frustrated as ONE WAY PLEASING. And I desparately needed to be pleased occasionally! When I was a young mother alone at times with an infant, she flat out refused to come help when I made a once in a liftime request for emergency help when I had severe food poisoning and could not move with infant in crib and infant was unfed/unattended. So mother provided "the basics" and limited extras based on what SHE felt was necessary to show that the family was normal and SHE LIKED, and continues to receive far more than that from family in return. I feel that I was not "DONE UNTO" similarly by her based on what I did to really really please her. As a child/young adult I relentlessly strove to please her for a long, long time in ways she clearly wanted to be "done unto" but never felt such reciprocation with my "non-basic" done unto needs related to things she both liked (great grades) and didn't like (sports).

I suspect that the "Golden Rule" originated with people who were "takers" only as one "tool" to guilt people into treating them as they wanted with no intention of reciprocating!

It will be your own self who determines that in how you raise your children. If you teach them this maxim, then they will grow into the adult who would be able to care for you into old age. As for your sibling, you can lead by example.

I know exactly how you feel. My mother is 83 and just this past January she started hallucinating and having delusions. Then by February she did not know my father anymore. My sister is very busy (but I am too) so I texted her on March 6th, letting her know I needed to talk to her about our mother. It is April 20th, and she has not reached out to me or our dad as of yet. I don't care if my sister doesn't call me, but it gripes my butt knowing she won't even pick up the phone to check on our dad. He is going through a very rough time with our mother, gets screamed at daily (because she thinks he's a stranger in the house), and is going through his own depression because he has lost his wife. So, even though my sister doesn't know about our family falling apart, and I keep trudging along, trying to help my parents the best I can, I remember what my husband has always taught me. "It's not what THEY do---it's what YOU do." So I just keep going on day by day with that in mind. Just keep doing what YOU are doing and know that YOU are doing what God wants you to do, and that is love. We cannot help what others don't do and our siblings will have to live with the guilt after they're gone from this Earth. God bless.

Golden Rule? I get it. But I say, do what you think is the right thing to do and things are going to go how they go. And you'll sleep well at night, knowing you did the right thing, whatever that may be. And good things will come your way. Like someone else said, what goes around comes around. And we all have to live with the decisions we make. Sibling reactions are confusing sometimes, but they have their own perspective too. Just do what you think is best for your Mom.

No, it's not a myth - it is an ethical way to live that takes into consideration the feelings of others.

But not everyone "observes" it. That's the reality.

I agree with DesertGirl53, the Golden Rule or whatever you choose to call it is only something we can apply to ourselves, we choose the way we behave in and look at the world, the way we treat others. It's impossible for us to know what is in the minds of others, maybe your sibling is living it just from her own perspective. Even more importantly maybe there is information you don't have for one reason or another, perhaps sister has been in contact with mom and mom just doesn't remember or think about telling you, maybe something transpired you aren't aware of between them but truthfully as you know having done the work and living your life that way, interacting from love and forgiveness, it's your sister that's missing out if she doesn't have a relationship with mom. But that's her choice and hard as it may be (living buy The Golden Rule isn't always easy) treat her with love and compassion in spite of being in agreement or not about the way she treats others. I applaud your ability to move past the difficult part of your relationship with Mom and approach it this way, it's a great example to those around you and all of us of the ability to exercise free will e all have.

I think that assuming people know the golden rule is a mistake.

My dad tried to teach us that "The golden rule is, those that have the gold make the rules. "

Unfortunatly my brothers bought into that and he made their lives challenging by holding money over their heads.

I was the youngest and as I watched this psychosis play out I decided he could keep his money. His price was higher than I was willing to pay. I am the only one that made anything of my life and I find it sad that they let money rule their decisions. I guess I did to, just in a different way.

They thought they would end up with a big inheritance and he married a whore that spent every penny and then some. My surviving brother still complains about his inheritance. Just sad and sick.

My point is, we don't know what others believe, so we do what we feel is right and pray they do to. Even if their right is different then ours.

The golden rule is a mandate for each of us individually, a way we should each live and strife to conduct ourselves. But that’s where it ends. Another passage of scripture that teaches the fruits of the spirit names self control, and that’s because self control is the only control we have (and even that is limited) We don’t control the actions of others, either our siblings, our children, no one. We can wish they’d apply the golden rule, but as we only have self control we can only apply it individually

“do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Matt. 7:12).

I have tried to live this way. But always wonder if it will come back to me.

Right now I don't need anything from people. I am still able to do for myself and my husband. At this time we have our health. We are able to do for others but when we need help, will we get back what we have given. Neither one of us expect it but u just wonder.

I am a big believer in "what goes around, comes around." Good or bad.

The Golden Rule is not a myth, it's a reminder of how people should treat each other to make this a better world. But if I - that is, me, my own self - want to make this a better world, then I - me, my own self - need to live by that Rule.

And one thing I DON'T want is somebody shaking their finger at my nose telling me I better live by it, or else! Or else I am a bad person. Or else they are holier than I . Or else anything, really. So I won't do that. I will actually just simply live by that Rule, and quietly let others decide if they want to live by it, too. Because that is really what makes the Rule Golden. And it's not a myth if even one person lives by it, and by the grace of God may that one person be me today.

Willnotorcannot,
Your concerns over your siblings not contacting your Mom has not gone unnoticed.
Even though this is an all too common and sad dilemma for which so many caregivers suffer and hurt over, this is happening to you. Just so you know that you are not alone, will that help you to keep going where so many have gone before?

You have started a good discussion about the golden rule. Thanks for reaching out in such a unique manner. One would think about siblings growing up in the same family, there might be a consensus about how to treat others. Thinking that our siblings are "rule breakers".

Here is what I believe and what I have seen. This is just my point of view and what I study. I do NOT ask anyone to believe what I believe, nor what I say to base their beliefs on it. Please feel free to come to your own conclusions.

I spent years studying different religions and most of them have in common, but may call it by different names.

--"Do unto others as they have done unto you,"
--Krama, what ever you send out in the universe it will come back to you--good or bad!
--"Do unto others as you would want others do unto you for others will do unto you as you have done to them--times three"--WICCA
"Do to others for you control your destiny and the power within"--Satanism Which has nothing to do with worshipping the devil, the word Satan in Greek means 'oneself' however the APA has change the meaning over the decades. Satanism is believe that there is no God in Heaven, there is no Devil in Hell--there is only you and you have both of these within you. To me, this belief makes no sense!

I grew up with a mother who always told me whatever I do to people it will come home to roost. Unfortunately, she herself never bought what she was selling. By the way, what she has done to me and my brother she is paying for and not by me...something else! Anyways, I have seen it more times than I can count.

Whether you believe in God, Karam, the Universe or nothing at all the one thing remains true (in my opinion)--if you use, abuse, mistreat, or hurt people it will come back to you. It may happen in a short time, it may take a long time, it may happen right before a persons passes from this world. But no one can mistreat & use people and not pay the price. I myself have wrong people when I was young and I paid the price. Moreover, I have also seen people mistreat people and it took a long time but they paid the price!

I guess, it just depends on your perception.


Just my 2 cents!

Others misinterpret the Golden Rule, stating it says:
"Do unto others as they have done unto you".
This is error.

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul and with all thy might, and thy neighbour as thyself...

It is a good rule, or a good aspiration anyway - and the higher you aim, the further you will get even if you, being only human, fall short.

But Robert Heinlein did point out one flaw. He said: "do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same."

And it isn't only tastes that vary. There are also wide variations in capacities, and in circumstances.

it isn't that I don't relate to your pondering on your sister's choices. Heaven knows I've spent whole hours I'll never get back ruminating on what could possibly be so painful or difficult about taking two minutes to pick up the 'phone and say "hi," or to sign your own name on a birthday card that somebody else has taken the trouble to get ready, or just to show some flicker of interest in how your dear old mother is doing. It drives me nuts that I will probably never understand the reasons; but I do know there must BE reasons, whether or not I'd agree they amount to a justification.

You can let the Golden Rule guide you, and may it never let you down. But I'm not sure you can safely judge whether or not other people are doing their personal best to follow it.

The golden rule is about how you spend your own life. It isn't like karma where you expect your good works to come back to you, it's about doing what is right and ethical despite the reality that the world is flawed and you may never reap any reward.

It's not a myth. A documentary [can't recall which one] talked about how fairness is basic to the human race. Without it, likely the human race wouldn't have survived. Humans also have selfishness, narcissism, effects of abuse, or mental and physical illnesses that change their interactions with others.

From your post, it sounds like you and your mother have been at great odds and you've had to make a serious effort to get beyond that and move on. Is it possible your sibling was hurt too much to get beyond it? Many of us on this forum have been purposefully hurt beyond the pale and that abuse caused us to cut off all contact for our own protection.

The Golden Rule is not a myth and many people do seek to live by it. Not everyone knows what it is or tries to live by it unfortunately.