Is there life after a Narcissistic parent dies and what are the affects to your mental well being?

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Is there life after a Narcissistic parent dies and what are the affects to your mental well being?

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Hello everyone, this is Midwest. I posted a question in 2013 Daughters of Narcissistic parents, what are the effects? SP Affects...LOL The Forum took off like wildfire and now I see that question has been closed. So now I'm going to open another Forum Question regarding the Affects of after the Narcissistic Parent dies. Is there life and how are you recovering, if at all.

I have so much to share but first lets see if there is an interest.

Narcissism Parents Relationships

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I’m taking care of my narcissistic mother right now, so I wish I had an answer. I’m interested in any answers you may receive. There are more of us out here than you know. All I can recommend is a good therapist. There is life after this. I’m sure.

Good luck my friend and know you are not alone.

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One of our members just lost her N mother. I am pretty sure she will chime in.

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I am very interested in this thread. My Mom is likely nearing her end, I doubt she will be here come Christmas. She has a multitude of narcissistic and borderline qualities. Right now I am working on separating out the issues I carry with her abuse, keeping the boundaries that protect my own well being and finding a place in my heart to be there for her during this difficult time. Mom is consumed with anger and fear, she is in constant pain, her confusion has escalated dramatically. No matter what was in the past she is suffering and there is little I can do to help except be a voice of love and support WHEN she lets me.

I think feelings of loss and grief start start before death in these situations. I also think it is probably normal to have conflicting feelings. I look forward to hearing what others are going through.

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Sending hugs, empathy and compassion your way.

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My narcissistic mother is declining rapidly and in order to save my sanity and get on a healthier path of well being I am reading the book Will I ever be good enough? The author of this book is Karyl McBride. This book has been a godsend to me as I deal with the many issues brought on by being raised in a narcissistic home. My therapist has also read the book and we discuss goals and healing. Focus on yourself and pray.

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My mother is 93.5 and while I doubt she's 'nearing her end', she's also in chronic pain, consumed with anger & fear, with confusion escalating on a daily basis (she has dementia in addition to 10 other health issues). She doesn't 'qualify' for a hospice eval, so the chronic pain is wearing everyone down; her care givers, her, me, her other loved ones............everyone. And she doesn't want me to 'help'..........she just wants to be very angry and complain 24/7, which helps nothing. I'm waiting for her to pass, but fear that she will live to 100, like most narcs do.

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Not sure if this will help.....and I will share my observations of my husband’s family anyway.....Just to encourage you, Please, Please, Please take care of yourself through effective therapy for recovery! My sisters in law and husband were raised by a very controlling, domineering father. Now as mom has passed of dementia....they are picking up the pieces of Dad’s narcissistic need to continue to work.....at 91 with no plans for retirement, no legal settlements in place, owning the house,.....etc etc. It is heartbreaking to watch their co-dependent behavior. One son’s wife is bitter and angry.....the daughters are edgy, angry, defensive, and down right lost.....choosing to take care of their Dad over their own marriages........Please, take care of yourself!

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Oh that is so very sad! I completely agree with your suggestion to seek effective therapy. It is essential to protect your own well being when dealing with a narcissistic elder parent. Most of us need help with that as we never learned to take care of ourselves.

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I'm raising my hand on this one.

My fears, suspiscions, and expections of what is to come next after the passing of my NPD mom . . .is yet to be seen.

I can tell you, after day two post death, I may need some serious therapy. Maybe not! but then again . .

I can tell you that the essence of resentment is creeping in.

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Get the serious therapy when in doubt. You're starting a journey. You may not stay with the same therapist. If you have insurance and they have a mental health hotline start there. Its hard to get out with covid19 out there but do anything you can to begin a support network.

If you're not drinking dont start. If you are drinking try not to over do things. If you're turning alcoholic and dont want to AA has free online groups that do zoom and Skype during the Pandemic.

If your city or county has free resources of any kind, even a chat mental health line, take it. Build a support network.

Many Catholic churches have grief ministries too, but once again, covid has shut down or curtailed a lot.

With covid 19 if it's safe in your area to get out into some kind of nature, go as much as you can. Find healthy ways of rewarding yourself for any good thing you do. God bless.

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Its really important to become educated about what narcissism is. The best resources are on Youtube for free. When you start listening to some of these videos, you will start to feel a lot of grief. After a while, you start to understand that people with narcissism are just trying to survive like all the rest of us. The problem is that their strategies for doing this are about taking from you to give to themselves, which is not OK. Some of the counselors you see on Youtube offer classes, specifically for children of narcissistic parents. You just have to look around to find what you like. It will be a relief to see that the behavior patterns you saw in your parents have been seen by so many others in theirs. After a while, you will start to forgive them and yourself (!) for simply being who you are. You can have peace and a good life after a loss like you describe. With someone with narcissism, it just takes some effort to understand before you can let go and get on with your life.

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Wow, you were able to forgive. Impressive! I can never do so as my mother destroyed my life and chances at having my own family/spouse so completely that I don't have much chance for happiness, as you put it. But each person's situation is different, so I'm glad you were able to heal.

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Just don't let guilt feelings get you down; they didn't either. The good thing is that I can blame all my personal inadequacies on my father, after all, he ruined my physical and mental health, my career, my life. What, I got hooted at for a risky passing manoeuver: I just heap another curse on him. What, I get another begging letter from a charity: who was there to shield me when I needed it? Just sod them.
And have a nice day, now.

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Your question is impossible to answer since everybody's experience is different and much depends how close you are to your mom. After your mom dies you will never again see them for all eternity. death is death and we will all get there.

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How 'close' is a person to a NARCISSIST? Narcs do not allow closeness. And you're wrong, btw.......we WILL see our 'loved ones' again when we pass over...........so it's not 'never again seeing them for all eternity.' Try leaving a helpful, positive comment once in a while. Try it........it actually feels GOOD to do so.

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i will feel an incredible amount of relief when my Mom passes. I will still have to deal with cleaning out her hoarder house, paying for her her burial (she thinks why should she pay for it) and figuring and dealing with whatever fallout will take place because she is refusing to do any final papers as well as her 15g credit card debt that she claims at 85 she will be able to pay off even though she only has social security as a source of income. I have had to deal with her having a dog that pees and poops in the house because she won’t let the dog out and now the dog is afraid to go out I am officially done with my mom. After just over 11 years of caretaking I struggle with being angry, resentful and bitter. I just want my life back. I have read books and watched YouTube videos and that has helped me. I am just soo done with taking her to all of her appointments. She has singly handedly destroyed my relationships with my siblings and I have had to work weekends to accommodate her appointments. I live for the day I am free. I am in the search for a good therapist. Wishing everyone healing from a narcissist parent!

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You never deserved what you got. None of us who have narc mothers did. I can tell you now that I'm not doing the daily stuff, she's cut me out of her life (and will, which also hurts as I'm in bad shape) completely as I have no more value to her or her golden children/my older siblings. But I can breath and be free from the daily grind. Of course the mental pain still continues, but it's better than the daily torture. I wish you happiness.

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My mother's still alive, but I suspect the recovery is lifelong and daily. Still, there will be freedom of a sort. Then depending on the situation, the aftermath of the mother's destruction. My mother refuses to put her wishes in writing but told me, her executor, she wants no funeral and to be cremated. When I said that to my horrible estranged siblings (her darlings) they told me I was wrong. So I'm guessing some of us will have to deal with further estrangement from family from whatever tortures are in the final documents etc. THEN hopefully some freedom to recover.

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I live one day at a time living in the same situation with my hoarder mom.
Her health is failing and when she passes away I have no clue how I financially will be able to move out all her hoarding crap. Every month she spends 4000.00 on warehouses and an art gallery full of paintings she owns, but refuses to let me step in and sell them. I have POA but she is still smart as a tack at 91 yrs old.
It's her way or the highway for me. She loves to tell me, if you don't like living here then move somewhere where you will be happy! Unfortunately I have no funds to move out or I would. I continue seeing my therapist for support, which only helps a little bit, but it's worth it since I suffer from panic attacks and need the meds for it. When she passes away I know there will be a big weight of relief from all the stress and guilt I deal with on a daily basis.

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Hire an auction company and sell one warehouse at a time. You will win eventually. Just bide your time.

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Emerging from years under the shadow of a Narcissistic mother is gradual, but also startling every minute. When you realize you can speak, feel, laugh without the inherent judgment of a narcissist , you gradually become yourself. I think the biggest fallacy about us is that we don't care or are selfish. No. We are emotionally exhausted. Our sacrifice is silent, mostly unknown. With the support of friends or therapists or an Amazon driver that smiles, we know our value is real. Please, if at all possible, approach every situation as someone valued by some pretty great people. Either you have known them, or you know them now. Lucy

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Your words are healing. Thank you.

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I see one of my nephews stuck caring for & supporting his Mom. His younger brother escaped last year and has built a beautiful relationship with his new family. For the 1st time since they were little we are able to have a conversation with them. Younger brother visits often we have met and like his GF and their daughter will be a year old later this summer. Older brother will not seek help for himself or mother and will not attempt to build a life for himself. At 30 he deserves more, he is angry. Mother hates him because he looks more like his father. We have to be careful with our relationship with him because he feels that the family abandoned them when Mom moved them away and cut off all contact when he was 12 and brother was 10. The only contact she allowed was with her father who she took $ from until he was no longer able to drive. I see the success younger brother has made in moving away from Mom and hope that when the time comes for Older brother he will be able to move on with his own life.

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I’ve thought of how parents would describe having the experience of raising children to adults & beyond.

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What does THAT thought have to do with the question being asked by the OP? Surely you are not trying to say that raising a child is similar to caring for a narcissistic parent in their old age until they die??

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Hi Midwest! I wish I could answer your question NOW, but as of 2013, my narcissistic FIL is still alive, well, and going on 94. I will say this, however, I don't thing my husband will ever fully recover from the betrayals. I hope you will be able to recover, when the time comes. My MIL and FIL live with us. We manage to cope, simply through pure avoidance and lack of contact/interaction. MIL is in lala land, regarding FIL's antics and shenanigans. Best of luck to you!

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The only way I could untangle the untruths and see reality as it is was to see a counselor. It was the only way for me.

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A therapist is needed for the suviver.

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I don't know if there's life after a narc parent dies, b/c mine will live forever, I'm sure of it. Life DURING is no picnic, though, isn't that a fact? I am quite sure I will feel a huge sense of relief once the event occurs b/c then I won't have to dread the daily phone calls, the daily verbal beatings, the financial management, the doctors, the hospitals, the rehabs............and all the endless, endless mind games that are played with me. Not one little bit.

I will welcome the feeling of knowing what freedom looks and feels like. And knowing how it feels to breathe deeply again. And to feel relaxed. To me, that's what recovery will be all about.

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That is the saddest statement. No one is perfect-forgiveness is a virtue-too bad you can’t forgive.

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Lack of trust, love even friendsgip has become impossible. I love the folks in this site and the unexpected kindness.
THANK s TIMES A thousad. Lucy, Sarasota

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Imho, my late mother was not narcissistic, but she wasn't the nurturer either.

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Youtube has many videos about narcissists. The problem with a parent is that what they say gets into you head very early and forms your image of yourself. Now you need to find your self worth. Be careful how you let others treat you. Took me forever and I still have to work on some things. You can be happy one day and they were never happy. I refused to let mom ruin my whole life. My childhood was hell and that was bad enough. But it is not easy to overcome the damage done. Takes time. These people are abusers. If you go for therapy find someone who knows how to treat this. Not all of them do. Never stop working on this. Best wishes for you.

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I am 20 months post passing of my mother. I have been seeing a counselor for years and that has been of immense value. There was much relief when my mother passed. I have almost no guilt because i know i always did the best i could for her, as much for my sake as hers. Yes, there is a little bit because in hindsight i realize there are things i could have done better but i also know that if i had known then i would have done them better. Though i still have a way to go, progress has been made and i try to concentrate on that. I guess my 2 biggest ongoing issues are working on improving my physical health and that i am still emotionally exhausted. I have enough for my family but that is it. I do not have any friends and even when there are opportunities to make friends i dont because i am unable to commit to the emotional energy friendship needs. I feel bad because the few times i attempted to reach out or reciprocate to an offer of friendship, i pulled right back into the turtle shell and i feel this was a hurtful thing to do to the other person. Keepingup is correct about the lack of trust although i am so fortunate to have a wonderful husband and daughters who get me and have my back always. Even though i dont always believe it, i can trust that they love me for me and not just what i can do for them as they have shown me over and over again. So much more i could say. My points are this - there is hope for the future. A good counselor will help. It will take time and effort. It is worth doing. You are worth it.

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They say “forgive and forget” but I say forgive but remember so you can avoid the ugly. That makes for a very tedious relationship, but that person is right. A narc parent is an abused and I feel a real need to protect myself.

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Unfortunately you will most probably have to go into therapy to learn to deal with this. It's hurtful and confusing and runs deep. And hard to understand. She was your mother, how could she be so mean? And very complicated.

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SandiRader, Oh please do not judge lealonnie. I do not think you are aware of what she has been through in her life, or what she does for her mother, regardless of her upbringing. I have read most of her posts and I grew to respect her highly. I know she can speak for herself, but I have to put my two cents in. lealonnie obviously forgave her mother years ago, and she sure does a great job making sure she is well cared for, calling her, visiting her, sending her gifts, making sure facility is taking care of her properly, taking her to her doctor appointments and many more things, lets try not to judge her. My mother told me many times growing up, not to judge another, she stuck by this all her life. I would say her mother is one fortunate woman with the history and all. lealonnie is an asset to this Forum and has helped many people, including myself. Wishing you a good day and Happy 4TH.

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Yes, this is an issue for me. I have been my mother's constant 24/7 caregiver for over 20 years. I was the eldest daughter of eight siblings, and I get very little help from any of them. When I lost my corporate job 20 years ago, I had to move into my parents home, expecting to recover and get my own place again. But corporations do not want people over 50. My father died young (77) leaving my mother alone, nearly blind and very frail. That was 22 years ago. Mom is 99 now, and still the micro-manager, control freak. For example, I have served her tea 3-4 times per day, every day of the year for over 20 years, and she still gives me daily instructions as to how to prepare it. Anyone else would call it Alzheimers. Everything is about her, nothing has any importance if it is not about her. She is planning to split the sale of the house between 8 siblings, whether they need it or not. I cannot say anything. I have always been the "other woman" and I am afraid that she will cut me out just to prove her power.

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Is there life after a Narcissistic parent dies and what are the affects to your mental well being?

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