Is this a narcissist? Yes, I believe so!

Do you have a P.O.A. for her? I'm assuming she can't live by herself. If she has an income, use it to hire someone to give you a break, or better yet, take over her care (even if they have to move in).
Your siblings have no say over her as long as they are not actively involved with her care. At the very least, they should provide you with financial assistance. That's the only thing I can think of, as she is in your home. But you need some peace and a way to draw some boundaries. Hire someone whether she likes the idea or not. If nothing else, it may give her an outlet to have someone to talk to. My thoughts.

dear akababy and everyone :),

well, we all have to, i suppose, find our own way of balancing between helping others vs. helping ourself.

------there are plenty of people in the other spectrum:
...extremely selfish, and not caring for their elderly parents

------and then there are many of us here on this website:
...kind, loving, doing all we can for our elderly parents, BUT risking going over-board, in the sense of being too "selfless"; not helping ourselves.

so how do you find the right balance?

my opinion:

1.
your conscience will direct you.
if you feel guilty, pay attention.
whatever people say ("you're doing the right thing", etc.), you're the one (and your LOs) who has to live with the decision you made.

for those who believe in God, it's not a human being who will judge you (let's say a friend said, "you're doing the right thing"). it's God.

for those who don't believe in God/gods/etc./similar things...
i would say the same, you're the one who has to live with the decision.

2.
there are solutions. keep looking. :)

for example, if the "solution" looks only 15% ok, keep looking.

3.
go for life!
:)

hugs!!

bundle of joy :)

i repeat :)

you're a woman.
you're younger.

she's jealous.

THE MORE JEALOUS SHE IS OF YOU, THE MORE SHE'LL TRY TO MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL.

dear akababy,
:)

you've been taking care of your mother for 11 years.
it's extremely kind and loving of you.
amazing.

she should be incredibly happy and grateful.
and, you're the only one helping. even more, she should be incredibly happy/grateful.
of course it has consequences on your life, if you're alone helping. you have triple/quadruple the workload. she should be grateful.

----

regarding being narcissistic (which is just another word for mean)...

mean mothers almost always target their daughters.

it's NOT a disorder (narcissistic "disorder"). it's NOT a mental illness. someone genuinely ill, behaves badly towards everyone.

mean mothers are very aware of what they're doing.
they target their daughter.
which daughter, if there are several? the sweetest one.

sometimes, mean mothers are mean to several of their children. but there's always in particular ONE target.

mean mothers tend to behave better when there are witnesses (for example non-family members present). it's not a disorder. they know very well what they're doing.

-----

keep in mind:
you're a woman.
you're younger.

she's jealous.

THE MORE JEALOUS SHE IS OF YOU, THE MORE SHE'LL TRY TO MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL.

------

regarding you helping 11 years alone.
please stop.
i don't mean stop helping. i mean please, help less.

you must work on your life!!

in 1 way or another, dump the problems on your siblings.

if your mother has money, please hire caregivers.
most elderly people want to stay at home. i hope your mother can stay at home and have in-home caregivers. agencies sometimes have uncaring caregivers (this was our experience) (they were even thieves). i found good private caregivers through word of mouth (asking around, if someone knows someone good).

a loving mother wants you to go for your dreams/goals! go for it!!!!

if your mother isn't loving...if she would be loving, she would want you to go for it!

did she really give birth to you, and when you were born, she looked at you, the baby, saying, "yipee!!!!! i have a caregiver for when i'm elderly!! yipeeee! i'll give her some food, water, education, and then i'll STEAL her life." ?

live a full life. :)

no more sacrificing another daughter.
(there are many daughters sacrificed; all the problems dumped on her)

-------

one should help one's elderly parents.

please also help yourself.
even if your mother would be extremely sweet (not abusive), please help yourself, build your life.

-------
expect a lot from life.
go grab it.

build your life. be nice to yourself. :) :) :)

I think I might think Sociopath rather than narcissist and she simply seems to be un-empathic and to be nasty, divisive and destructive as opposed to seeking attention, bigging herself up and having to have the world revolve round her. But I am not a psychiatrist and I doubt you would benefit from her seeing one unless they prescribed her meds to keep her sedated and make your life easier. How about siblings have her to stay for a while so you can get some respite from this?

This is more common than you may realise. If you look at this forum you will find many of us have been through this.
It doesn't make it any easier to know that but there is a lot of advice. The main thing is your assessment is probably correct and it takes children a long time to identify what is wrong because we grew up with this and knew no better. So you get to a certain age and you realise you have/are being treated unfairly - it is your parent and not you - but you are also aware you have been educated into accepting this and it takes some doing fighting your way through.
You have identified it though. Now you can do something about it. Start to lessen the hold, don't react to the efforts to provoke. Instigate some change to protect yourself and good luck.

Of course you are worn out.
You need to set boundaries.
Not listen to her berate you.
You need to explore who you are and heal.
One aspect I believe I know: if you walk away, do not listen to her, she cannot continue this behavior towards you in ways it has affected you throughout your life. You will not let it.
You need to take control of how you want to live your life. Decide on the quality of life you want - and do it.
You must set boundaries with your mother.
If you want to know the answer to this question, you can research it. I feel what you want from us by asking is support to heal. I am sure whatever her mental health diagnosis is affected you all your life. It is time NOW for you to heal. Forgive and let 'her' go. Forgiveness is for the person forgiving. It doesn't matter how the recipient responds to me. Do that for yourself. It is possible. Replace whatever angst you feel towards your mother with compassion. And then feel compassion for yourself, too.

Gena / Touch Matters

akababy7: Almost eleven years of out-of-state caregiving is staggering. Add in the fact that you are caring for a narcissistic mother is beyond comprehension, adding to the emotional and physical toll it is taking on your body. The fact that you aren't receiving help is enervating. This dynamic must be changed by any means possible.

What you have described, more or less, was my situation. The one thing I would add is that my mom was helpless, By that I mean she actively avoided learning any life skills - never drove, never paid bills, never traveled alone, and so on. She lived to 95 and only got worse.

Here is my 'advice' - She died and I never shed a tear, not even one. One year rolled by and the anniversary of her death arrived (this year). I was busy that day and truthfully several days went by until I realized I never, ever thought about her on that day. Not even once. So for all the people who will share how much they miss their moms and would take one more day, let me share that there are some of us who became relieved of a burden.

I was so surprised when I realized there was no guilt, no recriminations, nothing but freedom. There are no Hallmark cards for this and almost nobody talks about it, which is why I was so surprised about how I felt. So if you think you might feel that way, you will not ever be alone.

Just my experience.

I listen to this every day and it has helped me deal with a narcissist mother
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7a0HjVlD7g
May I suggest you listen to it every day and put it into practice.

Yes Narcissist, I just want to validate before I go any further.

I know how frustrating it is when no one does, you described my mother 80 with Parkinson’s.
The one thing I always forget about is the preference for men children, son in laws etc.

Even when they’re gone you’ll have to recovered from Narcissist abuse. My Dad tried to tell me too, he married the only woman meaner then his own mother and he passed at 47 of a heart attack.

These people are hard on your health, the sooner you’re out of the situation the better I disability retired in my 40s and she’s still hounding me to take care of her.

There is a you tube channel, “Crappy Childhood Fairy” that’s great for this.

Good Luck 🍀

Whatever label is most appropriate for Mom won't likely be known by those of us on the forum. Not only do we not have history with your Mom, but we aren't trained in diagnostics.
Having a label for Mom won't really help you. What WILL help you is helping yourself, and that may take professional help given how you grew up, and what habits have been formed. It is often more comfortable to stay in a situation, no matter how awful it is, when it represents the "norm". Breaking away into our own lives is hard work, and we often need help with it.
I wish you the very best. It is time to claim a life for yourself, and allow your Mom is stay in her own habitual ways. It is likely way too late for her to change, but for you, it is the beginning of learning how to have a wonderful quality of life, and to learn not to pass this tormented history forward.
In the new year begin to make plans for your own life. Take it slow. You have time. One step leads forward to another. I wish you the best.

I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I am all to familiar with your situation as I came from the same type of household as you. I am the oldest child of 4, and I took the brunt of my mother’s anger and rages (physically and emotionally). I was and probably still am the family scapegoat. I have at times overheard my mother bad mouth me to anyone who would listen. That is how my siblings and mother’s relatives have treated me all my life. I am the outsider. The one who moved away from the abuse. I have been told by my relatives that I am overly sensitive. I probably am. One thing that I learned through therapy is that the way we were or are treated has nothing to do with us. It is about them and their dysfunction. Although it may be difficult, keep trying to set boundaries and take care of yourself. I try every day dealing with my mother. Some days are better than others.

Probably is a narcissist, and you are sensitive. I say that because I am also sensitive, have been told that all of my life by the ones who needed to have a target and didn't care about anyone's feelings. I hate the constant back-stabbing by the narcissistic ones in the family. I was given POA for mom & stepdad because he knew the others were not dependable. He passed away 2 years ago and I'm left with caring for my mean, narcissistic, mother who has vascular dementia. As much as I hate it, it comes with the territory. I'd like to suggest a book for you. I found this many years ago and was such an eyeopener: "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.

Have her move in with her Golden Child.

HAve a talk with mom and tell her that you know she's your mom but you are not a child, you are a grown woman and trying to help her.

Let her know what the ground rules are and let her know that if she can't abide by them then she can't live with you.

Tell her you'll be happy to find her a Senior Apartment to live in if she's able and if not then you'll take her to look at a couple Nursing Homes to choose from.

Remember, you are an Adult and mom can only do to you what you allow her to do.

Show Tuff Love.

Mok can change or Move Out!

I personally would not be doing a 5 hour drive for a medical appointments.

I would make clear that is just too far for me to do hands-on help. I would have phone conferences with any medical staff as required instead.

Either Mom is independant & can take herself in a taxi. Semi-independant & can ask/treat a friend or book/pay for an aid. Or if fully dependant, then maybe she needs a higher level of care.

Harsh? Maybe? But realistic.

My relative cannot catch a taxi independently & so I offered to drive for a while. Give an inch.... 1 Dr Apt/week blew out to multi visits to multi places every week - one week was +5!

Was time for a *big picture* view. Was this person still independent enough in their setting? No. Did they need more help? Yes.

I stepped back. Now personal care, housecleaning, shopping, driving is all arranged & it works. The bill is astimnomical (but that is not for me to pay).

Being a long-distance caregiver must be very hard. It may be you will need to engage some sort of local service - some 'boots on the ground' so to speak. Many care agencies will do appointments. You will be out of the loop for info at the appointment but can get that info by phone instead.

Would that work?

Coz, basically, while YOU remain the solution for everything - no other solutions will be found.

In your profile, you mention more than one sibling. Goldenchild is incapable, but what about your other sibling(s) that live 10 mins away?

Driving 5 hrs. to accompany your mother to a doctor's appointment? Do you think she needs a higher level of care?

Ok...so he leaves her in a hospital. Which is full of medically trained people to take care of.....sick people. Fine. He can leave-lots of people do the exact same thing.
You've put up with at least 11 consistent years of abuse, I think you've done your time and time to step back. Will another 11 years mean your mother will get better, mend her ways, become a great person, and love you? Of course you know the answers to those questions, as well as what you really need to do for yourself.
There are several Narcissists in my family, they do not, will not ever change. I have chosen to limit my interactions with them. I have done lots of therapy, and am overall quite happy not to be involved with them-too toxic.

We can introduce your mom to my FIL and they can live "miserably ever after" LOL. No all kidding aside. While some people have a tendency to get more self-focused as they age - there is definitely a big difference between that and dealing with a true narcissist and I think you hit the nail on the head. A big part of it is whether the types of behavior you described are new or have always been there.

My FIL is an abusive narcissist, who is truly miserable because of his own actions - and inactions in his own life. Many of which have led him to be over 300 pounds and immobile - that may sound terrible of me but 5 years ago he was independent and like any true narcissist he seized upon his daughter's moment of weakness (needing a roof over their heads during a hard time) and used it to his advantage. The one good thing that I have ever seen him do is offer them a place to live but looking back I can't even say for 100% certainty that it was altruistic. Because almost as soon as they moved in he just stopped doing anything at all for himself and when his doctor asked him why he said "Why would I do it for myself when they can do it for me?" His doctor told him he should always do things for himself or he would lose his ability to do it. He of course knew better and here we are 5 years later - he is nearly completely immobile and very bitter about it.

So what have we learned about ourselves during this journey? His son and daughter were physically, emotionally and verbally abused by him growing up and certainly still emotionally and verbally abused even today. HE is clearly not going to change. It is clear from talking to his own sister that his mother and sisters coddled HIM as a child and his belief system started early. So he is never going to change.

What can change is how we deal with him. He had years to "groom" DH and his sister, to get in their heads and ensure that they were compelled to respond in a way that he wanted. Now that is broken. His circle of influence has shrunk. The narcissistic supply is gone. We're all he has left. He has alienated EVERYONE else in his life basically. His grandchildren will not talk to him. The relationship with his own children is such that they are just 'doing their duty' literally until other arrangements can be made for his care.

I don't think that therapy can benefit a narcissist. They want to game the system. They would spend the entire time trying to FIX the therapist and show them they are wrong. Better money would be spent on therapy for a narc's victims. On healing you. There is no fixing a narc. But you can help yourself. And the other part of it is that a narcissist will tell other people all kinds of good things about themselves and all kinds of bad things about you - I don't understand the why there - for some reason they think the only way they look good is to make you look bad. That seems counterproductive to most people - but to a narcissist it is the only way they can shine - and that is critical. So we have had to get used to not caring what other people he talks to think about us. To quote Dr. Seuss, the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.

Lizbitty, your response is so accurate.! I was just thinking about this last night. My older sister is one of two narcissists in my family. The other is my younger brother.

I used to try so hard to be liked by them. Taking everything they said and did to me as if I somehow deserved it or needed to put up with it to be "liked".

I think what's changed with me in the last few years is I don't have this need to be liked by them anymore. In fact I care more about how I feel about them now. Do I like them is the question now.

When you care about yourself and think of yourself as your best friend you won't let anyone treat you badly.

Do you remember the movie, “Sleepless in Seattle”? After reading your post (there are so many like it, it’s mind-boggling), a scene from “Sleepless in Seattle popped into my head. Meg Ryan’s character is listening to the therapist on the radio. A caller calls in and says, “He just doesn’t love me anymore.” The doctor immediately replies, “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you?”

That’s you. Why are you killing yourself, sacrificing everything for someone who doesn’t love you? Don’t you think you deserve more? Deserve better? Because you do. You do. But only you can stop it. If you’re brave enough.

I hope you are.

"She is in assisted living. If I left it up to Golden child she would be dead in two months. He is not capable. That's why I got stuck with it".

If Mom is living in assisted living, then is she fairly independent? Maybe needs some help with ADLs (eg (dressing, bathing) & maybe IADLs (banking, appointments & such).

You mentioned being out of state - is that still the case?

So are you like her 'Care Co-Ordinator'? The Manager arranging the who, where when of medical appointments, f/ups, meds, outings? Running this + her 'Days of our Lives' drama.

I am trying to get a wide picture of your situation.

A true narcissist will not benefit from therapy and rarely, if ever, will agree to it in the first place. They don't need it, they're perfect. Plus, it's a great training ground for them to learn where the cracks are showing in their masks, and how to get better at their game!

Here's a pretty good article on the subject:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

It's 25 signs that you may be dealing with a passive/aggressive covert narcissist. It hones in on male/female relationships more so than mother/daughter relationships, but you'll get a good idea if your mom falls somewhere on the spectrum. Debbie Mirza also has some good tips about coping mechanisms to deal with people like this and has some good podcasts and books out, too.

Only YOU can decide what you're dealing with here; nobody can tell you what your mom is or isn't, although many will try.

Good luck to you!

No one can trample your boundaries unless you allow it. Once breeched, there needs to be a consequence for her trampling. The less you are involved, the less she has to control and complain about. I agree with maybe resigning as her caregiver and have the Golden One become "it". Have you considered that you have a co-dependent relationship with her and that's why you keep allowing her to trample you? Maybe consider a few sessions with a therapist, who would provide objectivity and can help you identify better boundaries and develop consequences and relationship strategies. You can't get burnt if you're not touching the fire or are nowhere near it. I wish you all the best!

I wonder how she would handle it if Golden Child were her one and only source. Perhaps you should ask her lol.

Question though. She's out of state and not in a home? What are you doing for her that she can't do for herself? If manchild lives nearer, then he should be helping.