Dad and I were at odds when he was being released from rehab. He had a UTI and multiple compression fractures, and was there to gain strength before coming home. He wanted someone to re-wipe him as he was assisted off the toilet. I told him if you have a doubt, grab another handful of TP and clean yourself up. He said no, he could not stand the thought of sitting in waste all day, and when the CNA's cleaned him, it never amounted to much. I told him any amount was too much for me, and I would not wipe his butt. Told him to do the best he could, and if we needed to throw out his shorts, we would, or cycle them thru the washer after soaking... whatever, but I would not wipe his a**. He became indignent, and huffy, so to AL he went. At the AL facility, it was the same. He had the aids wiping his rear, and he requested surgical gloves to keep from getting anything on his hands. Dad was never diagnosed with dementia, but I just can't believe there wasn't something going wrong in his head. All he had to do to come home was wipe his own rear, and if worried he didn't do a good enough job, get more TP.
I wish I had thought of the bidet. It might have worked for us and given Dad a chance to get back home.
To the OP, have you heard about the bidet toilet seats? If not you can check them out on youtube.
I realize some people can't perform certain tasks under any circumstances and entirely sympathize. What stops me is vomit - i immediately start to heave at the smell.
You are a better person than I am. Your brothers should be wiping your mother's butt...better yet, she should be living with them. They should be her caregivers (after all, she paid for the house).
But, slowly but surely, it happened. We started with throwing her in the shower after sloppy BMs and now I am a full blown butt wiper. What was once just an occasional help after a particularly unruly poop, became me wiping after every one. I wondered how it came down to this as I was wiping her the other day and realized that she was still going as I was wiping.
Anyway, my advice is provide him with baby wipes, or adult wipes or disposable washcloths and encourage his independence in that are for as long as you can.
I know its hard when our elders are starting to ask for things that we are not willing to do. I do hear what you are saying. I know a lot of adult children are not comfortable with this level of care, when it comes to assisting with toileting and showers.
I don't know if it was dementia, but I would have say it has to with comfort. When I was a nursing student working in a nursing home. My teacher at the time admonished me for not doing a good job of wiping an elder's behind. I was a germaphobe and even with gloves I was not comfortable doing this intimate thing. But in hindsight these are adults and of course no one wants to have that feeling of not being clean. It is uncomfortable. So I can understand where your dad is coming from as well. They have give up their pride sometimes and ask for things. If my dad needed this done, then I would have done it. If he needed a shower afterwards to ensure he was comfortable, I would have done it. But I also understand if other adult children are not prepared for this level of care. None of us are professional nurses or aids.
I don't think its matter of him being stubborn so much as he did need help. Depending on personality types he could have been very particular about this being done properly.
I hope others can give more insight into your situation.