Dad and I were at odds when he was being released from rehab. He had a UTI and multiple compression fractures, and was there to gain strength before coming home. He wanted someone to re-wipe him as he was assisted off the toilet. I told him if you have a doubt, grab another handful of TP and clean yourself up. He said no, he could not stand the thought of sitting in waste all day, and when the CNA's cleaned him, it never amounted to much. I told him any amount was too much for me, and I would not wipe his butt. Told him to do the best he could, and if we needed to throw out his shorts, we would, or cycle them thru the washer after soaking... whatever, but I would not wipe his a**. He became indignent, and huffy, so to AL he went. At the AL facility, it was the same. He had the aids wiping his rear, and he requested surgical gloves to keep from getting anything on his hands. Dad was never diagnosed with dementia, but I just can't believe there wasn't something going wrong in his head. All he had to do to come home was wipe his own rear, and if worried he didn't do a good enough job, get more TP.
But, slowly but surely, it happened. We started with throwing her in the shower after sloppy BMs and now I am a full blown butt wiper. What was once just an occasional help after a particularly unruly poop, became me wiping after every one. I wondered how it came down to this as I was wiping her the other day and realized that she was still going as I was wiping.
Anyway, my advice is provide him with baby wipes, or adult wipes or disposable washcloths and encourage his independence in that are for as long as you can.
You are a better person than I am. Your brothers should be wiping your mother's butt...better yet, she should be living with them. They should be her caregivers (after all, she paid for the house).
I realize some people can't perform certain tasks under any circumstances and entirely sympathize. What stops me is vomit - i immediately start to heave at the smell.
To the OP, have you heard about the bidet toilet seats? If not you can check them out on youtube.
I wish I had thought of the bidet. It might have worked for us and given Dad a chance to get back home.
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