My mom is 87, metastatic breast cancer to her bones. (breast 99, bone 03) she was supposed to be dead several times according to the doctors and has outlived every prediction. She is a force to be reckoned with with, and has a will to live like I have never seen. However, she has been at home on hospice for more than any patient ever! She has declined quite a bit and several times we thought her slip was leading to the end, only to have her bounce back, not quite to where she was but she somehow clings on to life. Her pain is excrutiating but she won't follow the doctors suggestions and when she does she complains about the meds and stops taking them, and then complains again. She has had a bad week, (again), but I'm concerned now that she is getting really confused and not remembering me even being there, or other small things. She is in extrememe pain everywhere, complaining about pain in her lungs but couldn't elaborate. She eats but very little. Part of me wants to think this time she may be making the slip to the end, and the other part says, don't worry cause tomorrow or soon she will be yelling at me again, and feisty (that's her nature and by yelling, she doesn't actually yell at me, she's just feisty and ornary).
Take time for you.
The stress and worry over the constant but undefined pain was the hardest for me. It is my nature to want to prevent and cure pain. This was not possible.
Hospice had Mom in their inpatient care facility for 4 days...to get the upper hand on her pain, and set her up with subcutaneous admin. This was an automatic system. What a wonderful thing this was for Mom. Look into it!
Try to take some time for yourself, somehow. This is not going to get easier!
Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's rough. Vent here anytime, and I hope you can get some respite, if only for a few hours!
You need to take some breaks, yourself. This won't last forever, it will just feel like it. Feel free to come here to vent. No judgment.