I’m the ex daughter-in-law. I’ve been divorced for 10 years but stay connected because I love ex’s 90-yo parents, especially his mom, with whom I’ve had a terrific, loving, mother-daughter relationship for 45 years. I like and respect BIL, who has medical PoA. I have a frosty relationship with ex, who has financial PoA and lives out of state. (FWIW, we have two young adult children, who are close to both their father and to me, as well as to his parents; the kids also live out of state and move around somewhat, but they’ve both visited their grandparents twice in the last year.)
MIL has pretty severe dementia, worsening dramatically within last 3-4 years, and FIL is showing signs of memory loss. They still live at home in a challenging house and refuse to move to assisted living, where they’d be safer. They also reject agency caregivers. They need more help. They can afford it, but they refuse it from outsiders, although they gladly accept it from family.
My BIL is great. He checks on his parents several times a week, does minor home repairs, and arranges for medical appointments & transport, but he does not do home/personal care tasks. Meanwhile, I’m afraid that they’ll eat spoiled food or set the kitchen on fire. MIL is in very poor health, one fall or infection will probably be the end for her. As a result, my occasional visits 5 years ago have steadily increased to at least twice-weekly, with me cooking dinner, doing laundry, sometimes getting groceries, and investigating/rectifying bad smells. Sometimes I stay overnight, when I can manage it with my FT work-from-home desk job.
The caregiving feels like a lot. No one has forced or even asked me to do it; I choose it. And MIL/FIL are grateful and say so, frequently. But it also feels like there is no good solution for their needs. Just writing this, I am wondering why I am allowing myself to be “the solution”.
I lost my own mom to dementia a few years ago. Our dad died a few years before that, when my kids were in HS. I was not particularly close to either parent, but I loved them and I participated in their care along with my siblings. I am the only one who had to travel cross-country to do it (and the only one with kids at home), so I did less than some of my siblings. In some ways, I think I help my MIL so much because other people cared for my mom when I wasn’t able to — what goes around, comes around, you know? I’m nearby (35 minutes) so I’m able to help MIL.
I think that, in the face of their parents’ refusal to accept paid caregivers or AL placement, the sons’ strategy may be to allow deterioration at home as a way to force their parents into eventually accepting outside help. But I step in because I can’t bear thinking of them in these conditions, and the entire family is glad to have me there to help. Am I just enabling them, while sacrificing myself to be their PT caregiver?
PS: I have discussed with my own therapist. No resolution, just more questions.
Let us know how it goes.
You’ve explained beautifully why you’ve jumped in to help them. Your kindness is laudable. They’re lucky to have you. BUT…..
They really need 24/7 care. They should be in a continuing care facility where the needs of each of them can be met by professionals. And from what you describe, assisted living wouldn’t be enough for MIL. Memory care for MIL would be my guess, and possibly for FIL sooner rather than later.
If they insist on staying in their home, it’s going to get worse for everyone, including you (and technically, you don’t have to be there at all). The situation that you’re trying to help will become way more problematic for you if you don’t back off. It’s like an octopus, tentacles that will continue to grab you, and the tentacles have tentacles.
Save yourself! Talk up the idea of professional care for them. Inform the family that you can’t keep this up because you’re getting burned out. Then take your own life back and remind yourself that this shouldn’t have ever been your problem to solve.
One thing I learned from taking care of my disabled sister many years ago is that when I stepped out of the way, someone else stepped in. We were blessed that we had a good social worker and an advocate who pushed for her special education placement and her eventual placement. The placement took about three years, but everything worked out. I ended up moving out of the family home afterwards, and my sister moved into a brand new group home.
BIL needs to figure out next steps.
My family knows my aunt needs 24/7 day care. They refused to put her in a facility. They felt because I had POA, I should be the solution to come stay with aunt and help.
I even got a caregiver to help aunt. She no longer wanted to payand hot rid of the caregiver and thought that I would be back to help. I gave up POA and stopped helping. We are not the solution.
They are your in laws, and that is mighty noble of you, but you have done your part. The more you do, the more everyone will step back and let you take on. Get your life back. If they refuse caregivers or a facility, that is not your problem. I cringe at the state my aunt and her house must now be in, but I tried and I couldn't do it anymore.
Wwishing you peace and strength to move forward from a difficult 🙏🏽 situation.
If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck…….. it is a duck.
Yes you are enabling all of them including POA , whose problem it is .
Step back . If the children are letting things get worse to force the couple into care , you are interfering.
You say they are unsafe . No one is there 24/7 anyway . They need placement with 24/7 supervision if they are unsafe alone at home . In home paid help is too expensive 24/7. Stop doing what you are doing. It’s only prolonging placement in an assisted living .
You're a good Daughter in Love. Legal family or not, you want the best for your loved ones. ◡̈
See All Answers