Brother is POA and couldn’t wait to take over her finances. Now that she is questioning some bank entries that make no sense and feels there may be stealing going on, he and his wife both yell at her and refuse to buy her groceries (which they have done for years) or take her to the doctor. I live in a different state, far away. I believe this is a case of elder abuse. She has no one else close by. What to do?
Who is/are the "both" that yell at "her" ? (I am assuming that the "her" is mom)
If your brother does not buy groceries will mom starve? (fine point but HE is not buying groceries. HE is shopping for mom using her money to buy groceries for her.)
And who is telling you that he is not buying groceries? If it is mom is she telling you this can she be believed?
How do you know she is not being taken to the doctor?
You can contact the State Elder Abuse Hotline number and make a complaint.
I think this might require a visit so you can see what is going on.
Elder abuse is often a high bar, too high but that’s a different topic, when it comes to getting officials to take actual action and while I am infuriated at the thought of the person my mom counts on threatening not to provide her food if she doesn’t fall in line too I’m not sure legally it would be considered elder abuse. If your brother were being paid to make sure she has food or legal responsible as her guardian to provide food and actually withholding it, that might be a different story.
Particularly if this is all info or complaints you have gotten from your mother I would urge you to call your brother and ask how things are going, is Mom getting more difficult? Is there anything you can do from where you are to take some of the burden off he and his wife? Let the conversation ease into what mom told you without being accusatory but rather assumptive that either she is confused or telling tales, took something more seriously that it was meant and you saw that a sign that maybe things are harder on them than you realized. It may be time to think about help in some form for the three of them and you may be met with some resistance from brother and SIL. Don’t immediately take this as a further indication something nefarious is going on, again while it may mean that it may just as legitimately mean they are in over their heads. They have been doing these things for her for a long time based on your post and it can be very hard to admit to yourself never mind other that it has become too much and you can’t do what you think you always have. The truth of it is when caring for an aging parent, even one without a multitude of issues, things get added to the list little by little and you just don’t realize how much more you are doing now than in the beginning when it was a simple grocery delivery each week. Its also easy to feel that you have somehow failed if that loved one you have cared for needs to go into a residential facility or get aids in the home without an ER visit and some medical issue that helps require it but the truth is life is ever changing and stress can creep up without us seeing it coming, there should be no shame in knowing you need help.
Then again it’s always smart to be on guard, keep an eye out for red flags but assume you all want what’s best for Mom.
You may want to consider contacting APS in your area with this story if your Mom is unable to afford to hire someone to shop with her. If Brother has hold of the finances and Mom doesn't want him to have this, there is help for her.
You don't say what your Mom's mental condition is. You are getting your info on the phone from her. Are you able to speak with brother?
You may be down to making a visit. Sorry, but it happens and is what family leave is for!
Sure hope you'll update us.
Inflation is terrible right now and everything has gone up. Encourage your brother to sit down with your mother review the purchases and always have a receipt. Your brother just might be tired of having everything questioned.
If he starts to get home delivery of groceries this might cut some of this down but it won't cut it out completely.
I'm not sure if this abuse.
And I'm not talking about an overnight, where, if mom is experiencing some sort of cognitive decline, she can "showtime" while you are there. I'm talking about maybe a month, live with mom, do her shopping, and her errands and run her around to her doctor appointments and anything else that is going along with the job. Tell your brother and his wife to take some time off and pick up the work that they do. It's really probably the only way to get an honest picture about what is going on with your mom and her health and her needs.
If during that time you can come up with some real proof as to these allegations, then file a criminal complaint against your brother and his wife.
But no one here is going to be able to look into a crystal ball to see if there is indeed elder abuse going on. There are people here who have legitimately seen it, while others have thrown around baseless accusations (usually against a caregiving member of the family) and run away with them, only to find out that the allegations were nonsense. Then there is a rift in the family that really can't be healed, the caregiver wants nothing more to do with the job (and rightfully so after being falsely accused) and it makes the almost impossible job of caregiving just that much more impossible.
But, if you really feel this is a possibility, you believe your brother is abusing mom and is only "in this" for mom's money, then the best way to find that out is first hand.
Good luck.