My mother’s depression and her current state is really upsetting me. She has had multiple heart procedures and can no longer walk. She is rightfully depressed. She still needs another heart procedure. She has basically given up. I feel really bad for her but this is really hard for me too. Her and I would talk multiple times a day about many things. Now I call her twice a day to check on her. Our conversations are barely a minute in length. I feel helpless. I am scared about losing her. I am scared to call her or scared when my Dad calls me. Scared what life will be like without her. My Father and Mother care for my mentally disabled Aunt and when my Mothers time comes I am certain my aunt will need to move in with me. Not sure I can handle taking care of her but there is no one else. I am in my early forties. Why do these problems make me feel so young and dumb, I am a bit lost. None of my siblings are of any help. My Father has to go back to work soon. He will take care of my mother and Aunt during the day and I will cover the evening/nights. She is so very stubborn. My question... I am not sure, I just needed to vent.
You sound fearful and I think rightly so. I think you are anticipating taking on more care than you are capable of giving, able to provide, and that you realize you would be sacrificing your own life in doing this. Listen to your better angels as they try to explain to you that you are human, hence have limitation in what you are capable of. There is utterly NO shame in that. I am so sorry for all the grief. I am sorry as well that your father is burdening you now with the care of your Mom. He, it seems, may be in denial of how long he can go on doing this care.
This is so sad, and it is worth grieving, worth tears. But you must not give up your life to it. IMHO.
Dad could bring in an overnight caregiver. Maybe you would be willing to do a couple of nights each week? Figure our what you want and are willing to do. Establish that boundary. And stick to it.
There are assisted living and nursing home and memory care facilities.
What do YOU want?
So take a deep breath, and get to living and enjoying your life!
Your mother. I'm sorry she's having these heart problems, that's a tough thing to go through, I know. My husband just had triple bypass surgery and then lung surgery 2 weeks later, and a pacemaker placed a year beforehand. Attitude is everything, however, and whether your mother has the 'right' to be depressed or not isn't the point. She needs to be optimistic and hear uplifting advice about her prognosis. Maybe getting her an electric scooter would lift her spirits, too. Anti depressants often help as well. Help your mother be a fighter!
That said, the fear of losing a parent is real and the inevitability of it is guaranteed. It's how life works, I'm afraid. Get some grief counseling for yourself and into a support group even, including but not limited to this one here at AgingCare.
Come here to vent anytime. We all 'get it'; we all have elders we're caring for or worrying about, and it's not easy. We suffer loss, all of us, to one degree or another, and it hurts. Take life one day at a time and remember: It's up to YOU what you decide to take on (or not take on) moving forward.
Best of luck!
I would start a Medicaid application and find a nice LTC facility for Aunt. Usually people with mental challenges have Dementia too. I know not what Mom wants to do but what will happen to the Aunt if Mom passes. No, you should not take on her care. Its really not your responsibility so never promise it. You have ur life to live. There are options for your Aunt.