I am tired. My patience is thin. This pandemic has me feeling trapped. My mom had a stroke and is 82 years old, no longer receives OT/PT. However, she has exercises that she can do until her therapy resumes. Does she do them? Nope-why because she doesn’t want to. This angers me because I don’t want to do a lot of the stuff I am doing but I do it. My attitude is anger. I wake up angry-this isn’t who I am but it is who I have become. I have told my sister of some of the stress-however given the pandemic and her out of state status she cannot provide me with the help that I need. My mom has an aide but for only 4 hours and she refuses to get help on the weekend. I work remotely and feel like I am on 24/7 call. Please can someone help me with providing boundaries as I feel I am at the end of my rope.
And in any case, it may be time to consider that you have reached theend of what you are able to do with inhome care.
You killing yourself isn't going to change her prognosis. Many folks "give up" after a stroke and if she has never been one of those determined, self motivated people, I doubt she is going to suddenly acquire those personality traits. She may not even be capable...I don't know.
Life is too short. Ask your sister to visit for a week to help you scout out some LTC facilities nearby.
When my dad fell and broke his hip, I had both of my parents placed in Assisted Living; that was back in 2014. Dad passed in 2015. My mother is still alive at 94 and living in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF these days. I'm very glad I stuck to my guns with my original decision to never do any hands-on care for her b/c I'm sure I would not be the same person I am had I been caring for her all this time. She and I are oil & water and that will never change. It's been stressful ENOUGH having to manage her entire life from 4 miles away, as an only child, but it's a lot easier than having to do hands on care.
There is nothing wrong with admitting your limitations here and crying Uncle when you've had enough. Nobody benefits from you being angry all the time. Stress is a killer and you can wind up dying before SHE does. Don't be a statistic. Do what YOU have to do to either place your mother or hire 24/7 in home care for her. It's no longer a matter of what she 'wants' but what she NEEDS for both of your sanity.
By the way, I am not making a 'judgement' on you here in any way, shape or form. Just responding to you saying your patience is thin & you're angry, which I myself would be as well, given the same set of circumstances. Some people are cut out to be caregivers and some are not. I fall into the second category and have no regrets saying it.
Best of luck.
My mother never did a single exercise after her 'cute' PT left her to her own devices. Never. We had to throw away the exercise bands as they rotted in the sun and were actually dangerous.
All us kids kind of rode her about doing the set of exercises, but she didn't WANT to do them, unless the PT was there, and he had X many appts and then he was done.
As a result, she 'aged' very, very quickly. She went downhill from walking with the occasional use of a cane to a full time walker in a couple of years. Now she can't even go up or down one step. She is completely stooped over, her face is in her plate when she eats. Not tall to start with, she isn't even 4'9" now, if you measure her from 'highest point' to the floor.
She complains of back pain all day, everyday, but there's no surgery that can be done (age 90) to help her stand up straighter.
And I don't think she's unusual in this.
One of the best thing about hospice was no more of that from the doctors - if she didn't want to do her exercises, if she didn't feel like eating, etc., as soon as I told any of them she had chosen hospice, I just didn't have to deal with that ridiculous judgement anymore. It was a relief to be able to just be her daughter again, rather than her drill sergeant.
If I were in your position I would give my mom a choice: either accept more in-home help (the amount YOU need to make the arrangement work) or you will help her get transitioned into a care community where she will get all the help she needs, and have activities and more social interactions. You may need to do this eventually anyway, but sometimes the in-home assistance helps in the "gap". You and she will need to be realistic about the financial aspect of her care. Neither you nor your sister should pay for any of her care as it will bankrupt you. She may need Medicaid, as elders often do. It would be a wise investment to have a phone conference with an elder law attorney who does estate planning and knows Medicaid for your state. Hopefully your mom has you (or someone) as her DPoA and has a Living Will and Last Will legally created. If not, this needs to happen asap. I wish you peace in your heart as you figure out what you are and are not willing to do.
Sounds like she is not keeping her part of the deal by doing her exercises.
You need your own life while you still have one.
Good advice below about working on a list. Sister can help pay for aides.
You can not force your elderly mother to do her exercises, but you can make "time for exercise" part of her usual daily routine and encourage her to do "just a little more." I would suggest picking a time in the morning or early afternoon when seniors tend to be a little more compliant.
I would also suggest that you enlist more helpers to lighten your load. Ask help from family members (even out of town ones can pay for housecleaning, grocery delivery, or yard maintenance), friends (especially women friends that might be willing to give you respite), members of your faith community and/or paid help (if mom's finances/insurance can pay for it).
If you can not get more help, it might be helpful to talk to her doctor. The doctor may be able to prescribe inpatient rehabilitation in a residential facility. Your mother would get more "pushes" to do her PT/OT several times a day as well as 24/7 help with tasks of life that are difficult for her. If she does not succeed with rehabilitation, you can discuss with the doctor and staff opportunities for "next steps." This may give you back some of your freedom and more control of the situation.
You are on 24/7 call regardless of what else you need to be doing. You tell mom that YOU need more hours from the aide. She can afford it financially and you cannot afford to do without it to manage the other 20 hours in a day. Go ahead and order additional weekend hours - 4 hrs each day, or 8 hrs on one day so you can get out of the house, sleep late behind a closed door, or whatever.
During the 4 hrs a day where you have an aide present, you let mom know that the OT/PT will begin again. Use 15 to 20 minutes of the aide time to have them do what the previous people had her doing. After several weeks increase the time. Since she was agreeable to do it for previous PT folks, maybe she'd be more agreeable with the aides. Or, call the home health people and get them started again -- keep gloves, masks, hand sanitizer at the front door for all visitors. My parent's nurse continued to come throughout the covid thing and these home health people ALWAYS wore protective gear.
I would also arrange the 4 hrs a day to start in the morning so you don't wake up to caregiving role. Let someone else get it started, give you some quiet coffee time to get ready for the day. If mom has enough money to pay for 8 hrs a day during the week, then go for that. 4 hrs in the am and 4 hrs to get her ready for bed. Many of us who post here don't have the financial means to get in home health assistance - if you do, then use it to get yourself some help. Don't think of it as help for mom - it is to help you. Repeat that to mom
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