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My brother has also taken over my mom's money and now hides it from me. What gives him the right, even as an executor, to remove our mom without discussing it with me first? Now I’m in financial distress, and I miss my Mom so much.
Executor is for a will - Mom is alive. Do you mean Power of Attorney?
Seems you & your Brother have different opinions to how to provide the right kind of care for Mom.
Sometimes it is a good idea to have a mediator to help you see each other's point of view. Do you both belong to a faith, or have access to a council Social Service? They can be a place to look for such a person to help you communicate with your Brother & understand.
If you were relying on Mom's money to support yourself, you may benefit from a Social Worker service yourself. To look at your options going forward from here.
"About Me Hi I’m a Caregiver for my mom who has dementia. I myself am on Disability for many autoimmune disorders. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever done. My Dad died last year so it’s just Mom, me and the dog "
We're only getting your side of the story. Why do YOU think he won't return her? If your brother is her PoA then you have no power to have her returned unless you can prove he is somehow neglecting or abusing her (financially, physically, etc). Thenyou'd have to argue it through the courts.
Wow . So my brother can treat me like sh** as an Executor. He did nothing for 6 years and then totally took my Mom for me. I miss her. We were best friends .
I’m sorry you miss your mom and the situation changed for you both without it being better discussed. Your mother’s money should never have been your financial plan for yourself. Do you think this could be the cause of your brother’s concern? If your mother chose him to make decisions for her at a time when she’s no longer reliable to do so for herself, such as with dementia, you’ll need to make peace with his decisions. I hope you and your brother will be able to meet and discuss both of your concerns
Thank you so much, No I don’t use my Moms money for my future needs. It’s going to be financially very hard but in my AA group we always say. “”No pain no gain, this too shall pass lol hate that one. thank you for those that have read my recent post I miss my Mom immensely after a few months and she is starting to forget me. I’m grateful that I got to care for Mom for 6 years. She is now so funny and seems good.
Is your brother Moms POA? If so, maybe this last sickness showed him you can no longer care for Mom. With Dementia she will only worsen. He is not hiding it from you, he is using it for his mothers care. If he has POA, he cannot and should not allow you access to your Moms money. He, out of Moms money, cannot help u pay rent or utilities if Mom is not living with you. If she ever needs Medicaid, they may see that as gifting.
Are you on Social Security disability? If do, you may be able to get Supplimental insurance. There is help with utilities and rent. See your local Social Services to see what resources you can receive.
You say in your profile that your mother has dementia, and that you care for her despite yourself being on disability for many autoimmune disorders.
Do know that Executors have nothing to do with this as they only serve AFTER THE DEATH of the loved one. Your brother may, however, also be the POA if your mother was competent to appoint him as such. In all this time I think you were not her POA; with dementia now she may be unable to appoint a POA, as POA serves by request during the LIFE of the principal. The principal must be competent to appoint the POA. Dementia doesn't preclude this if the person understands what a POA is and how they function.
You say you are in financial distress because your mother is gone. Does this mean that you were dependent upon your mother for housing, for support, or for other things? Are you living in your mother's home or was she living in your home? Did you and your mother have a care contract for shared living expenses? Because if you were using your mother's money for yourself that wasn't legal.
Your brother, if he is POA, need not share with you any information about her finances, and indeed should not, as your mother's finances are her own business if she is competent, and the business of her POA or guardian if she has dementia and is competent. I think what is missing in your story is just WHO is the POA/GUARDIAN here for your demented mom?
We have only your side here. It is impossible to think that your brother would swoop in and take your mother without any reason whatsoever. It is also curious that you tell us that this was done while you were sick. Please explain. Were you too ill to care for your mother at this time due to your own autoimmune illnesses? Were you hospitalized? Did your brother feel your mother was endangered by your illness and inability to care for her at that time?
As you can imagine, in a story this complicated, we are left without the facts in this case. I personally have little patience for siblings that battle over an elder, thus splitting their parent down the middle in terms of affection and choices for their care. It is very cruel.
My advice is to offer your brother all the help you can and to work together. If however, you have proof that your brother is mishandling your mother or her finances I would call APS to discuss this.
You would understand if I showed you one of his intimidating emails. . I cargave for Mom 6 years with all this by myself and no brotherly support. This is how my brother operates: only gave me 3 hours a week When the clock turned to 2:00 pm he’s out. I got COVID about 4 months ago . I pleaded with him to watch my mom so I can get some rest. He looked at his watch and says his “time to go)” . he lied and my brother said they will take my Mom so I could recover from COVID . My Mom has never been back to her home where I’ve lived.
My Mom and I were super close and since he took her she doesn’t recognize me and it felt like a bandaid was ripped off me. I miss her so much .
He can’t be an effective Executor and still after many years has a resentment. It will he can’t let go of the fact that my parents helped me by loving, caring and helped me financially Always used for medical bills. And yes they helped me with Cobra waiting for my SSDI being approved. I never was support money That was from years ago and the fact he still feels the same way makes him a a biased Executor. Thanks for reading. I’m just going through allot but what doesn’t kill me always makes me stronger. 🙏❤️
Thanks for your opinion but you obviously don't know my brother. Yes, I cared for my Mom for 6 years. Yes after 6 years I was so burned out both emotionally and physically so my brother suggested he and his wife take my Mom for a few weeks. Well two weeks in I asked him when was Mom coming in and can we make a plan to share custody. He said "btw, I took Mom and she's living here now.
I don't feel sorry for myself, however, I did everything for 6 years, meaning both Executor, and me. I was doing that at handling all the bills and other banking. I'm Agent two, which is all the medical side, plus pay all the bills etc. We shared food, and everything and now my brother has taken away my ability to barely able to buy too many groceries. No, I don't depend on my Mom for money. But things are really hard . The hardest part was when he took my Mom to his house, and its like getting a bandaid ripped off. Same with our dog.
And yes, I have a great social worker, and I can get legal aid. You pointed out some good things. My main concern is that I, since 2019 Ive been asking for my copy of the will and trust. To this day he still hasn't. I don't want to have to file a petition to get a copy. I despise family drama. Anyways, sorry I wrote so much lol.
At first I was a bit pissed when I started reading your reply, but then I re-read it and your right about most everything. Thanks so much.
Your Mom is still alive so the Executorship is not yet active, the Executor deals with whatever your Mom has in her Will once she passes.
When you say you are "Agent two" does this mean your are a co-PoA with your brother, or an alternate? Do you have both MPoA and FPoA? Are you a trustee? If you're not a trustee you don't legally get to have a copy of the trust. Same if you're not PoA.
The one way to get copies of those docs is to have an elder law attorney send him a letter requesting copies and if he doesn't then it goes to a judge.
You wrote "We shared food, and everything and now my brother has taken away my ability to barely able to buy too many groceries. No, I don't depend on my Mom for money. But things are really hard . "
Sure sounds like you were relying on her income to some degree...
if you read these Posts on here this scenario Plays out a lot . Someone just grabs a Ill Parent and takes control and doesnt speak to the primary caregiver about this decision . It seems quite Unfair . For now Look Into Food stamps , a Food bank , help with utilities for Low income people , Pay your Bills and take care of yourself . You do have the right to do a wellness check with the Police , You do have the right to report this to APS and tell them what Happened - is he allowing you to speak with her ? You Can ask for Visits . Try Mediation although Both parties have to agree to meet up . For Now take care of yourself . Your brother may Not Know what he is in for . My sister Kidnapped My father out of our House In Boston and Brought him to California - Told the Boston Police they were taking a trip to Hawaii . the Police called a couple days Later she Lied again and said " he Lives with her every winter . " More Lies . She told me to come to California to Pick him up and then got a restraining Order out against me . primary Motivation = MONEY . it is Ugly behavior but if they think they can get away with it they will . if you live in the same state you could file for conservatorship and get that ball rolling . Courts and Lawyers cost Money - I spent $15,000 . Sorry your Brother is a d*ck and I do Hope APS Can help you with visits with your Mother . You have that right .
Hi, I’m sorry it took me so long to get back. Since then my brother won’t let me see my Mother without them listening in. Another infringement that he’s crossed. I took care of Medical and my brothers Executor duties, bills, being transparent with her money . He took Mom and now he’s hiding her money . Thank you so much. I am actually calling the companies and asking for a low income rate.
I get that you only have Medical POA that usually only comes into effect when a Dr declares the person incompetent to make informed decisions. So if Mom is competent its not even in play at this point.
If your brother is Primary financial POA, he cannot supply you with copies of Moms Will or Trust. POAs are not and should not be privy to this info. And if they are, are not allowed to give out that info. Their responsibiliy is Mom. If she did not see fit to share this info, then a FPOA can't either.
At Moms passing all POAs are no longer in effect. Responsibilty for the estate is the Executor's. The Executor files the Will with Probate. Probate then makes it public. If ur a beneficiary, the Executor is obligated to send you a letter saying the the Will is now in probate and public. They can either include a copy with the letter or "will send a copy upon request".
The Trust was done to bypass Probate. The Trustee may not be the Executor. Thats another kettle of fish and I don't know how it is handled upon death.
I beg to differ. Hes hiding my Moms money , not letting me see my Mom, has cut resources that would help me stay above water. Hes done an executor should not do. All he doing is feeding my mom letting her sleep there and using her money on high-end organic food and then he tells me I have to pay all the utilities. I’m on disability. I don’t make much so make him force me to do that is BS and I am consulting a lawyer.
It’s very hard to be the primary caregiver. Having disabilities makes it even harder.
It was kind of your brother and SIL to care for your mom when you got sick.
Do you visit your mom at your brother’s house or do they visit you in your house?
I understand that you miss your mom.
Is it possible that your brother feels like it’s best for you and your mom if he cares for her? It’s important for you to care for your own needs.
In your response below, you state that you are interested in seeing your mother’s will. Why is this important to you? Your mother’s money should be spent primarily on her care.
Can you look into finding resources to help you get through your financial situation?
I hope that you and your brother will be able to resolve your issues. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Thank you. I know you don't know my brother, but it's all about money. He's not being a good brother/Executer. He never helped or cared for 6 years, Believe me this isn't out the love for my Mom. it's about her money. I had full access because I paid the bills. Now him, he created a secret checking account so I cant so what their doing....I have an appointment with Legal Aid next week. Thank you once again.
Executors have no rights until people are dead. Only POA has rights when they are alive. Is brother the POA? I don't mean MPOA, but rather legal and financial POA. Or general POA.
Thank you so much. He has not only taken her away from the house she’s lived in since 1960 . He has her at his and SIL house. After that he took my banking rights away from me. He will not let me see her without a freaking chaperone!! Last Friday I went over .
I brought Mom favorite paper called the Beach Reporter which she loved to read because it would catch her up on what’s going on in my town. He took the newspaper away and he put a newspaper in front of her and he says we only read from the press telegram!! When I talked to her this morning I asked for a private time with my Mom, They said I’ll “upset” her, which is bs.
im on SSDI for some major medical issues and only get paid one step above poverty and he doesn’t care .
and….Ive been asking for the will and trust for six years now and he won’t give me a copy which is so wrong because I am in the wheel as a agent number one which is the power of attorney for Medical. He told me that he’s taking care of everything now I’m calling that executor abuse. What would you guys do if you were caught up in that kind of toxic situation? I’m sorry this message is so long but thank you for reading it.
OMG Im going through that now and my brother wants me to pay all the utilities ($500 a month) out my disability. Once I pay my bills, and food I have barely any money left for food. My brother is the Executor and in have the medical POW and his job until he took my Mom and is trying to get me to pay all her utilities. My brother is a narcissist and only does things he benefits from. Im at a loss.
Who, if anyone is POA? Executor means nothing until she is dead. If you suspect that he is abusing her financially you can report him to your State Elder Abuse Hotline number. BUT what is good for the Goose is good for the Gander. If you were relying on mom's assets to support yourself that is not right either.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Executor is for a will - Mom is alive.
Do you mean Power of Attorney?
Seems you & your Brother have different opinions to how to provide the right kind of care for Mom.
Sometimes it is a good idea to have a mediator to help you see each other's point of view. Do you both belong to a faith, or have access to a council Social Service? They can be a place to look for such a person to help you communicate with your Brother & understand.
If you were relying on Mom's money to support yourself, you may benefit from a Social Worker service yourself. To look at your options going forward from here.
"About Me
Hi I’m a Caregiver for my mom who has dementia. I myself am on Disability for many autoimmune disorders. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever done. My Dad died last year so it’s just Mom, me and the dog "
We're only getting your side of the story. Why do YOU think he won't return her? If your brother is her PoA then you have no power to have her returned unless you can prove he is somehow neglecting or abusing her (financially, physically, etc). Thenyou'd have to argue it through the courts.
thank you for those that have read my recent post I miss my Mom immensely after a few months and she is starting to forget me. I’m grateful that I got to care for Mom for 6 years. She is now so funny and seems good.
Are you on Social Security disability? If do, you may be able to get Supplimental insurance. There is help with utilities and rent. See your local Social Services to see what resources you can receive.
Do know that Executors have nothing to do with this as they only serve AFTER THE DEATH of the loved one.
Your brother may, however, also be the POA if your mother was competent to appoint him as such. In all this time I think you were not her POA; with dementia now she may be unable to appoint a POA, as POA serves by request during the LIFE of the principal. The principal must be competent to appoint the POA. Dementia doesn't preclude this if the person understands what a POA is and how they function.
You say you are in financial distress because your mother is gone.
Does this mean that you were dependent upon your mother for housing, for support, or for other things? Are you living in your mother's home or was she living in your home?
Did you and your mother have a care contract for shared living expenses? Because if you were using your mother's money for yourself that wasn't legal.
Your brother, if he is POA, need not share with you any information about her finances, and indeed should not, as your mother's finances are her own business if she is competent, and the business of her POA or guardian if she has dementia and is competent. I think what is missing in your story is just WHO is the POA/GUARDIAN here for your demented mom?
We have only your side here. It is impossible to think that your brother would swoop in and take your mother without any reason whatsoever. It is also curious that you tell us that this was done while you were sick. Please explain. Were you too ill to care for your mother at this time due to your own autoimmune illnesses? Were you hospitalized? Did your brother feel your mother was endangered by your illness and inability to care for her at that time?
As you can imagine, in a story this complicated, we are left without the facts in this case.
I personally have little patience for siblings that battle over an elder, thus splitting their parent down the middle in terms of affection and choices for their care. It is very cruel.
My advice is to offer your brother all the help you can and to work together.
If however, you have proof that your brother is mishandling your mother or her finances I would call APS to discuss this.
“time to go)” . he lied and my brother said they will take my Mom so I could recover from COVID . My Mom has never been back to her home where I’ve lived.
My Mom and I were super close and since he took her she doesn’t recognize me and it felt like a bandaid was ripped off me. I miss her so much .
He can’t be an effective Executor and still after many years has a resentment. It will he can’t let go of the fact that my parents helped me by loving, caring and helped me financially Always used for medical bills. And yes they helped me with Cobra waiting for my SSDI being approved. I never was
support money That was from years ago and the fact he still feels the same way makes him a a biased Executor.
Thanks for reading. I’m just going through allot but what doesn’t kill me always makes me stronger. 🙏❤️
I don't feel sorry for myself, however, I did everything for 6 years, meaning both Executor, and me. I was doing that at handling all the bills and other banking. I'm Agent two, which is all the medical side, plus pay all the bills etc. We shared food, and everything and now my brother has taken away my ability to barely able to buy too many groceries.
No, I don't depend on my Mom for money. But things are really hard . The hardest part was when he took my Mom to his house, and its like getting a bandaid ripped off. Same with our dog.
And yes, I have a great social worker, and I can get legal aid. You pointed out some good things. My main concern is that I, since 2019 Ive been asking for my copy of the will and trust. To this day he still hasn't. I don't want to have to file a petition to get a copy. I despise family drama. Anyways, sorry I wrote so much lol.
At first I was a bit pissed when I started reading your reply, but then I re-read it and your right about most everything. Thanks so much.
When you say you are "Agent two" does this mean your are a co-PoA with your brother, or an alternate? Do you have both MPoA and FPoA? Are you a trustee? If you're not a trustee you don't legally get to have a copy of the trust. Same if you're not PoA.
The one way to get copies of those docs is to have an elder law attorney send him a letter requesting copies and if he doesn't then it goes to a judge.
You wrote "We shared food, and everything and now my brother has taken away my ability to barely able to buy too many groceries. No, I don't depend on my Mom for money. But things are really hard . "
Sure sounds like you were relying on her income to some degree...
your message made my day!!
If your brother is Primary financial POA, he cannot supply you with copies of Moms Will or Trust. POAs are not and should not be privy to this info. And if they are, are not allowed to give out that info. Their responsibiliy is Mom. If she did not see fit to share this info, then a FPOA can't either.
At Moms passing all POAs are no longer in effect. Responsibilty for the estate is the Executor's. The Executor files the Will with Probate. Probate then makes it public. If ur a beneficiary, the Executor is obligated to send you a letter saying the the Will is now in probate and public. They can either include a copy with the letter or "will send a copy upon request".
The Trust was done to bypass Probate. The Trustee may not be the Executor. Thats another kettle of fish and I don't know how it is handled upon death.
It’s very hard to be the primary caregiver. Having disabilities makes it even harder.
It was kind of your brother and SIL to care for your mom when you got sick.
Do you visit your mom at your brother’s house or do they visit you in your house?
I understand that you miss your mom.
Is it possible that your brother feels like it’s best for you and your mom if he cares for her? It’s important for you to care for your own needs.
In your response below, you state that you are interested in seeing your mother’s will. Why is this important to you? Your mother’s money should be spent primarily on her care.
Can you look into finding resources to help you get through your financial situation?
I hope that you and your brother will be able to resolve your issues. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Only POA has rights when they are alive.
Is brother the POA? I don't mean MPOA, but rather legal and financial POA. Or general POA.
An impartial third party can be useful in these situations.
To ensure what's best for the elder. To ensure no financial or other abuse of power is going on.
I brought Mom favorite paper called the Beach Reporter which she loved to read because it would catch her up on what’s going on in my town. He took the newspaper away and he put a newspaper in front of her and he says we only read from the press telegram!!
When I talked to her this morning I asked for a private time with my Mom, They said I’ll “upset” her, which is bs.
im on SSDI for some major medical issues and only get paid one step above poverty and he doesn’t care .
and….Ive been asking for the will and trust for six years now and he won’t give me a copy which is so wrong because I am in the wheel as a agent number one which is the power of attorney for Medical. He told me that he’s taking care of everything now I’m calling that executor abuse. What would you guys do if you were caught up in that kind of toxic situation? I’m sorry this message is so long but thank you for reading it.
Where? Where Mom now lives?
Or where you live?
Sheri, do you have a Case Manager who can help you? Someone to help find you an Advocate.
There may be wide difference to your view of things compared to how your Brother views it.
Eg: My LO has health issues & had help with financial matters. She saw family being controlling with her money.
Family were ensuring her rent & bills were paid first, before spending money used up.
It looked very different from each side.
It took a 3rd party, someone not family, to help each side see the other.
I may be wrong, but I wonder if something like that is happening.
Executor means nothing until she is dead.
If you suspect that he is abusing her financially you can report him to your State Elder Abuse Hotline number.
BUT what is good for the Goose is good for the Gander.
If you were relying on mom's assets to support yourself that is not right either.