Has anyone experienced treatment where you have been judged by others even though you're doing your best?
So my mom contacted an agency for help. She calls this woman. The woman is on the phone, loud where I can hear her. I heard her say, "Where's your daughter? If she's not gonna help you...". I lost it. I heard her say "Everybody needs to do their part paying the rent and the bills. I lost it again. I have paid rent and bills amongst other things. I had to leave the room. I understand my mom needs help but that doesn't mean I haven't been doing my best. I'm so mad. If I call her directly or go over there, it might not be good. I have been taking care of my mother by myself for over 5 years; and it has gotten progressively harder. I have been chronically ill for the last 2 years. I managed somehow to graduate from one school and I am about to start at another. Plus I am young too and trying to navigate this world for the first time.
My mom tried to speak up but I feel that once the woman started in with the "Your daughter" stuff, she should have cut her off immediately. How do you handle it?
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Many professionals do their jobs as they are trained to do them, but it takes someone really special to get across the point that they are giving choices and advice that they know may or may not be helpful in your situation. Sometimes its a matter of "take what you want and leave the rest." That was generally my motto. I am completely open to learning from professionals if they seemed to have even a clue about what family caregiving is all about. However, I've always respected professionals who realize that they can learn about reality from listening to family caregivers, as well.
As is generally the case, you've found people in this community who relate to you and who have advice and stories to tell. Just knowing that people are "listening" often helps.
Try to get help through your Area Agency on Aging or your state website (type "aging" next to your search for the state). You'll find a long list of agencies and contacts. Work your way through and we can hope you'll find some resources in your area.
Mainly, know in your heart that what other people think about your caregiving isn't as important as what you think. Be open to learning but remember that you know your family situation.
Best wishes as you travel this journey. Please check back with us so we know how you are doing.
Carol
I agree, it is UN-believable. This woman gets a call from an elderly lady, immediately gets hold of the wrong end of the stick, and then will not let it go no matter what.
She's a professional, she really should know better. But, sadly, and I'm never surprised any more, even people who should know better quite often don't.
I've sat there and watched senior people appear to believe every word of the b/s my mother is feeding them. Sometimes, the operative word is "appear" - they are in fact taking the story with a pinch of salt, but they don't contradict or challenge their clients - they just check up later. But sometimes, they are actually believing it and you just have to think to yourself "how long have you been doing this job? Have you heard of dementia?"
So, back to the deep breath. You call the agency, and mustering every ounce of patience you possess, you calmly explain that the history taken by the person your mother spoke to needs to be corrected in several essential respects. And then you tell them what the accurate picture is.
Don't blame your mother for not speaking up. It is very hard to separate a dog from a bone.
All will be well. Just hang on to your temper, whatever happens, or misunderstandings will multiply. Best of luck.
My father is currently in a nursing home. The Social Service lady came up to me last week in front of my father, "He wants a TV in his room, he said he wants a TV, you need to bring a TV". Of course my father will parrot what others say, so the next hour was "when are u bringing me a TV"? This NH does not provide TV or cable, we have to provide TV and pay for cable services. My dad broke the last 2 TV sets by pulling them over since he will hold onto anything to pull himself up out of the wheelchair. He doesn't know how to work a remote, I bought the simplest remote sold and big so he doesn't have to fumble with it. He could turn it on...then NOT turn it off. Yet I'm being told that this is what I should do....not taking into consideration that my father has not watched TV for over a year, no attention span...but back to YOU.....you do what you can, nothing more, you don't push yourself to where there is nothing left....please listen to us who advise you to always take care of you first. Not a selfish plea, but wisdom spoken from years of caregivers who have about killed themselves to take care of others. Do what you can. Research online or locally for help. REPORT this woman who thinks she knows you and your care for your parent. Expect the same from family members, they always know best, better than you, of course, they will have expert advice without ever coming to visit or spend months of 24 7 care. Please don't let it get you down and please continue to post and let us know how u r.
Whilst this careworker was, in my opinion, unprofessional to make such comments to your mum without knowing the full picture (and I don't think you'd be out of line saying so in writing to her supervisor), this was NOT a personal attack on you. When these people don't know you, then their comments are not meant as attacks.
Let it go. You know how hard you've worked, and much as we all crave someone to notice and tell us 'well done', sadly it does not happen often.
There's always someone with an opinion. Just count to ten. Learn to separate comments from attacks.
Sounds like you are just raw from this. Caring grinds us all down, and is often thankless. That's why this site is so great, you can talk to folk in the same position, and WE can tell you how amazing you are, because WE understand exactly what you have had to sacrifice to care for your mum, and how bl**dy hard it is.
...to the lady who got upset at being given dietary advice for her dad, that is all it was, advice. That's just their job. It did not sound like an attack or a judgement.
Again, try to count to ten and you'll be able to spot where there is no malice meant.
Don't beat yourself up that you're not down the farmer's market picking up fresh kale and spinach every other day! (Like they'd eat it anyway?;)
Frozen veg are better than no veg.
Got to develop skin like a rhino as a carer.
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