So my mom contacted an agency for help. She calls this woman. The woman is on the phone, loud where I can hear her. I heard her say, "Where's your daughter? If she's not gonna help you...". I lost it. I heard her say "Everybody needs to do their part paying the rent and the bills. I lost it again. I have paid rent and bills amongst other things. I had to leave the room. I understand my mom needs help but that doesn't mean I haven't been doing my best. I'm so mad. If I call her directly or go over there, it might not be good. I have been taking care of my mother by myself for over 5 years; and it has gotten progressively harder. I have been chronically ill for the last 2 years. I managed somehow to graduate from one school and I am about to start at another. Plus I am young too and trying to navigate this world for the first time.
My mom tried to speak up but I feel that once the woman started in with the "Your daughter" stuff, she should have cut her off immediately. How do you handle it?
Take care,
Carol
Family members who criticize your caregiving,1butterfly, don't understand (or even more likely don't want to admit to ) all that you do because then they feel guilty. Far better to blame someone else.
Caregivers have to develop a thick skin and continue to do what is right for their circumstances even when others criticize. Support would be so much nicer, but if it's not there, then we detach as best we can from that and move on. It's very difficult, I know. But what choice do we have?
Keep coming back here. Most of the people on agingcare are supportive and helpful.
Carol
I did enjoy reading these stories although it's unfortunate that we have to go thru these things. I do wish you guys the best and encourage you to stay strong as well! God bless!
To help remind yourself of when it would be better to just let it roll off your back try singing to yourself that tune from the movie Frozen, "Let it go, Let it go, Let it go..." soon it will get stuck in your head, but in a good way. Best of luck. Keep posting, it helps too.
I had one attendant at mom's nursing home try to dump a load of guilt on me because I wouldn't change mom's depends and wipe her off. Nope. There are darn good reasons I have for not doing that particular task due to what happened to me growing up. I looked right at this lady and said "If mom doesn't need your help, she sure doesn't need mine." The attendant just kept pushing it. Don't you think you should go in there and help her? She's your mom....etc.
I didn't feel like educating this woman to my past and present reality, so I just let her continue to think I am the world's worst daughter.
Try bringing in cell phone videos. Even the densest of us who only seem to understand the precise terms in Greek and Latin instead of common English will usually get what's going on then.
My mother has traits of borderline and narcissist disorder. My father is avoidant and will not deal with anything. My mother can, on cue, turn into the most happy and sweet person you have ever seen - in public. After the other person walks away, she will start in arguing and complaining again. I had a woman come up to me in a drug store and say that I was 'not being nice' because I refused to buy my mother her seventh tube of lipstick in one week. The local minister will not speak to me because he saw me walking in front of my father at the doctor's office ( my father would have a fit if anyone dared try to grab his arm and 'escort' him.)
But this takes the cake: The other week, a nosey family acquaintance saw a couple of police cars in the driveway ( they had followed a guy who pulled up to the house) and this person actually called my siblings and told them they had better see about my parents because 'something terrible' had happened. What did they think - that I had SHOT my parents? (My father thought it was funny, but I didn't.)
My parents both say that I am great about looking after things and that they couldn't do without me ( well, they would be in a nursing home for sure)
Like Raina, really tired of dealing with other people who have no clue and never bother to even find out the real story.
I have many health problems too, and it took me seven years to get a BA degree, but I FINALLY did it.
Stick with it Raina and you can do it - don't let the jerks get you down. I'm trying to forgive, but I think it would be good to call them out sometimes and give them the real story.
Adult Protective Services have "investigated" accusations from "for profit" caregivers three times over the last 5 years with mom & I. These accusations were intended to intimidate me and alienate me from my mother so they could gain control and get at her minimal finances. There are some very wicked people out there so beware, especially if you live in an area where APS is in the back pocket of these money monger caregiving organizations. Remember that in metropolitan areas people kill for a few dollars and then consider that they have no problem running over you to get at your loved one. Beware and be aware. My trust has been betrayed so often I have very little left. I pray God's divine protection and favor on us all.
try filling a caregiver position when you look like a cross between charlie manson and one of the furry freak brothers . snap judgements are the norm .
I don't cook for my parents, but if someone said I would have to, I would be feeding them whatever Stouffer makes. I am clueless about cooking, and would probably burn the house down.... and here I am their daughter... don't fit the stereotype, and no one should assume we all should.
what did university teach these " professionals " ? drum line , sports , cheerleading , popularity contest , senseless competition , mother and homemaker are antiquated concepts and in fact shameful ..
soar like an eagle , climb that ladder -- losers ..
i think the concept of family is under constant attack by corporate america .
just follow your conscience and let the " professionals " figure it all out when they grow up a bit ..
stand up to them . any weakness on your part they will see as confirmation that youre a fraud ..