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So my mom contacted an agency for help. She calls this woman. The woman is on the phone, loud where I can hear her. I heard her say, "Where's your daughter? If she's not gonna help you...". I lost it. I heard her say "Everybody needs to do their part paying the rent and the bills. I lost it again. I have paid rent and bills amongst other things. I had to leave the room. I understand my mom needs help but that doesn't mean I haven't been doing my best. I'm so mad. If I call her directly or go over there, it might not be good. I have been taking care of my mother by myself for over 5 years; and it has gotten progressively harder. I have been chronically ill for the last 2 years. I managed somehow to graduate from one school and I am about to start at another. Plus I am young too and trying to navigate this world for the first time.
My mom tried to speak up but I feel that once the woman started in with the "Your daughter" stuff, she should have cut her off immediately. How do you handle it?

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Glad I could help a little, 1Butterfly. The dysfunction in your family makes it much worse than what many people face, but you'll still find out here that a lot of people are having to cope with some very difficult situations. Just knowing that you have "company" can help.
Take care,
Carol
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This "woman "is someone you were considering hiring? First thing, don't hire her.
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Carol, thank you so much for that. I do realize the family members feel guilt...could not agree more! I am the niece and there is a lot of family history here. At the risk of sounding like I am on my "pity pot" I have to say I have always been the scapegoat in the family. My own mother set this in motion when I was a young child. She hated my father whom she divorced whrn I was 8 years old & projected that hate onto me ever since. I think the rest of the family just figures if a mother will do that to her child then the child must have no value as a person. I am now 57 and so tired of the crap.
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Constantly. No one can truly understand why we make the choices we do if they don't live our lives. What is "unthinkable" for one person is a necessity for someone else because of other aspects of their lives. I am fortunate not to have the family second-guess me but others certainly do.

Family members who criticize your caregiving,1butterfly, don't understand (or even more likely don't want to admit to ) all that you do because then they feel guilty. Far better to blame someone else.

Caregivers have to develop a thick skin and continue to do what is right for their circumstances even when others criticize. Support would be so much nicer, but if it's not there, then we detach as best we can from that and move on. It's very difficult, I know. But what choice do we have?

Keep coming back here. Most of the people on agingcare are supportive and helpful.
Carol
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Criticism from others who are either unwilling or unable to fully appreciate what we have to deal with is hurtful & frustrating. I find myself angry with family members. Wish I were better able to detach.
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My heart is with you. People are so quick to judge and make assumptions, yet never investigate "REALITY". It gets so tiring to hear "what you should/could be doing" yet the very people who are making judgment calls are likely the ones who have not walked in your shoes. Even the professionals (so to speak) leave their "JOB" after their shift. A caregiver is there with the person 24/7/365 for the most part. No breaks, no step back and ponder what someone else thinks is appropriate for your love one who you have known all your life. The caregiver is consumed with caregiving. The very ones making judgment calls against you could escalate their position of power to have you arrested for elder abuse. This is happening at record numbers across all states. Elder abuse can be classified for something as simple as not properly providing nourishing meals. Get a nanny cam and keep the videos rolling. Best of luck.
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I am glad you guys have shared your stories with me. I read each and every one. Thanks again for the encouragement. I hope that others have also been inspired by the helpful comments to this post. I don't really have words to say how helpful you guys have been to me. I appreciate the well wishes on my degree too. It took a while but it doesn't matter because it's worth it! If you want to go back to school, do it. It will make you feel like you're accomplishing something.
I did enjoy reading these stories although it's unfortunate that we have to go thru these things. I do wish you guys the best and encourage you to stay strong as well! God bless!
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I agree that it's better to try your best to let go of hurtful, not helpful comments. Others can't possible know how hard taking care of an elderly, sick person. It's complicated and can be soooo stressful. It's more than a full time job because it's 24/7! Ask yourself, do they really know what they are talking about or just commenting to ease their conscience because they are not doing enough to help out (and they know it).
To help remind yourself of when it would be better to just let it roll off your back try singing to yourself that tune from the movie Frozen, "Let it go, Let it go, Let it go..." soon it will get stuck in your head, but in a good way. Best of luck. Keep posting, it helps too.
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This has generated a lot of responses. My guess is that there are many others who have been judged unfairly in the caregiving situation. Here's something for you to think about: " It is not what it is. It is what it can be made to look like." Politicians use this trick all the time. Don't give up.
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Livngsouth . sounds like your doing the best u can. regardless of other peoples silly comments. My mom was taking my sons on a train 2 a family reunion. Train left at 4, I was telling my mom please hurry it was 3 o'clock. I was in front of our house saying this my mom is hard of hearing so I'm talking loud. I swear we got to station train was pulling off. By the grace of GOD it circled around and they were able 2 get on the other side. When they get back my mom tells me a girl who is a cop told her she could change the locks for her 2 keep me out!..I was livid and soooo pissed . I called there house and told her o would get a restraining order on her if she came in the yard. That was 5 years ago. And its still tension between me and her. Smh. I kinda want to apologize because we are neighbors but it has not happened yet. People jumping to their own conclusion are very bothersome. And congratulations on your BA I'm still working on mine.
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Raina28 - Glad your doing better now :) I came back here because I felt I jumped to soon on my opinion when the old me would be calm, nice and talk to the person before reporting them. Their suggestions to talk to the person first, was a great idea as well as everyone's ideas,opinions and advice.( shows how much stress and how defensive I have come over the years as well as I am getting to the point I hold nothing back) I hope everything has worked out for you and your mom now.
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Most people can't think outside their own personal experience anymore. What should be obvious isn't. I just politely tell people like that, "it's a lot more complicated than what you probably see, but thanks for being interested."

I had one attendant at mom's nursing home try to dump a load of guilt on me because I wouldn't change mom's depends and wipe her off. Nope. There are darn good reasons I have for not doing that particular task due to what happened to me growing up. I looked right at this lady and said "If mom doesn't need your help, she sure doesn't need mine." The attendant just kept pushing it. Don't you think you should go in there and help her? She's your mom....etc.

I didn't feel like educating this woman to my past and present reality, so I just let her continue to think I am the world's worst daughter.
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i no what you are going through i had gone through the same thing with my mom and still going through it, my mom complained to everyone about me saying that i do nothing at all and i have done all i can, but i learned one thing, just to let it go,let it go in one ear and out the other,because it is not worth getting yourself sick over it, and knowing that you do your best to your own ability
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Vstefan well know the Doctors see it they told me they did not judge me and I did the right thing putting my mom in assistant living
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Daquirre!! You really think doctors can so easily dismiss the complaints of the patient right in front of them as lies or confabulations? That they can magically see the things that some family members can't, or choose not to tell them? Blame that not on a love of money, but on not wanting to be the doc "who doesn't listen." I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been thrown off the scent by someone giving a history with all sincerity that makes enough sense to be believed, but either minimizes or omits the key to the diagnosis. (THEN they may be mad at you when you finally do figure it out, why it took so long...go figure.)

Try bringing in cell phone videos. Even the densest of us who only seem to understand the precise terms in Greek and Latin instead of common English will usually get what's going on then.
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I am from a dysfunctional family which likes to think it is the 'perfect family'.
My mother has traits of borderline and narcissist disorder. My father is avoidant and will not deal with anything. My mother can, on cue, turn into the most happy and sweet person you have ever seen - in public. After the other person walks away, she will start in arguing and complaining again. I had a woman come up to me in a drug store and say that I was 'not being nice' because I refused to buy my mother her seventh tube of lipstick in one week. The local minister will not speak to me because he saw me walking in front of my father at the doctor's office ( my father would have a fit if anyone dared try to grab his arm and 'escort' him.)

But this takes the cake: The other week, a nosey family acquaintance saw a couple of police cars in the driveway ( they had followed a guy who pulled up to the house) and this person actually called my siblings and told them they had better see about my parents because 'something terrible' had happened. What did they think - that I had SHOT my parents? (My father thought it was funny, but I didn't.)

My parents both say that I am great about looking after things and that they couldn't do without me ( well, they would be in a nursing home for sure)
Like Raina, really tired of dealing with other people who have no clue and never bother to even find out the real story.

I have many health problems too, and it took me seven years to get a BA degree, but I FINALLY did it.
Stick with it Raina and you can do it - don't let the jerks get you down. I'm trying to forgive, but I think it would be good to call them out sometimes and give them the real story.
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I had in home care for my mom and brother the woman always gave me a hard time made feel bad I wasn't doing enough she always complained saying she was tired tried to take over thinking she was in charge
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Oh yes I have been in this situation as well. I have a brother-in-law who is never happy with the decisions that I make for MY father.. I now will not ask him for any help when it comes to anything with my dad... The last time he didn't like what I was doing he had the audacity to tell me "he loved Dad more than I did". Keep doing the best you can, and ignore those who are negative.
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Whenever anyone "judges" you, remind them of the biblical saying, "Judge not, least you be judged". Do the best you can given your circumstances and do not listen to anyone who is critical. They are not your friend and are toxic. Remove them from your life. That's what I did and am happier now.
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My mom told the doctors stories they believed her a woman the that was not mentally stable and a brother could not see the change in both some Doctors only care about money not the patient and when a doctors office has a over load of patients why should they care about one more I try to get help from the Doctors no go
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Yes by family and doctors.
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I got this from my Mom's dr. I looked at her and said "I have 4 children, my own house, 2 jobs, and I take care of these 2. Do you think you can do better?" This isn't something we asked for. This is something we do, because we love our parents, and many times, because no one else will. Just breath deep and close your eyes. You know you are doing your best. That's all we can do.
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Thank you all for your responses. Sorry to reply so late, but I just got the notifications. I appreciate your stories and your advice. I wrote this post very shortly after it happened, so I had not had a chance to cool down. I appreciate the thoughts and prayers offered. And no I am not mad at my mother at all. It just gets tiring to have to defend yourself all the time. I will definitely heed these suggestions. I will just continue to do my best. I wish you all the best as well!
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I must believe that those who judge us will reap what they sow.
Adult Protective Services have "investigated" accusations from "for profit" caregivers three times over the last 5 years with mom & I. These accusations were intended to intimidate me and alienate me from my mother so they could gain control and get at her minimal finances. There are some very wicked people out there so beware, especially if you live in an area where APS is in the back pocket of these money monger caregiving organizations. Remember that in metropolitan areas people kill for a few dollars and then consider that they have no problem running over you to get at your loved one. Beware and be aware. My trust has been betrayed so often I have very little left. I pray God's divine protection and favor on us all.
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Everyday.
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from the time you find yourself locked on the telephone for an hour at a time entertaining a parent , until your pacing beside them to prevent them from falling , near end of life , a lot of s*it goes down . i still insist that to be an elder advocate it requires a sturdy spine .
try filling a caregiver position when you look like a cross between charlie manson and one of the furry freak brothers . snap judgements are the norm .
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ff, the first time someone tells you that you should cook for your folks, give them your best fake sincere smile and say "you're right - home cooking would do them a world of good - now which days each week will you be bringing them dinner".
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It is amazing how some people think we should become overnight June Cleaver, Martha Stewart, Florence Nightingale, and Dr. Phil for the caring side..... and become Warren Buffet and Suze Orman for the financial side.

I don't cook for my parents, but if someone said I would have to, I would be feeding them whatever Stouffer makes. I am clueless about cooking, and would probably burn the house down.... and here I am their daughter... don't fit the stereotype, and no one should assume we all should.
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jeez,
what did university teach these " professionals " ? drum line , sports , cheerleading , popularity contest , senseless competition , mother and homemaker are antiquated concepts and in fact shameful ..
soar like an eagle , climb that ladder -- losers ..
i think the concept of family is under constant attack by corporate america .
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dealing with judgemental outsiders and family is probably the most frustrating part of caregiving . aps pegged me as a lowlife who was living off of his mother with the intention of inheriting her house . only recently while dealing with the same two ladies on my aunts behalf did they learn that i didnt inherit my moms house at all and in fact scurried back to my shack in the hills just like id told the attorney i would do 8 years ago ..
just follow your conscience and let the " professionals " figure it all out when they grow up a bit ..
stand up to them . any weakness on your part they will see as confirmation that youre a fraud ..
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