Just can't get used to it...building memory loss in my spouse. Will I ever get used to this?

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Just can't get used to it...building memory loss in my spouse. Will I ever get used to this?

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My husband is the love of my life. The last 4-5 years have slowly uncovered memory loss that has him frequently not remembering things I've told him in the last 24 hours. He writes things down a lot, but if he doesn't he can't hold on to things like what I am doing. Last night I told him I was walking with my friend Jacq this afternoon. This morning I reminded him, he said he remembered. Then an hour or so later he asked where I was going again. I told him. Then as I was getting ready to go he said, "I can't remember what you're doing, tell me again." I admit, I got upset. That made him mad. He stayed mad all day and went to bed mad. This happens more and more. I just can't get used to losing him so slowly like this. He's 76, I'm 69. Will I ever get used to this?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Memory Loss Relationships

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Yes, you'll get ured to it, because you have to. One day he won't ask you anything, and you don't want that to happen anytime soon.

You need to adapt to his reality. Don't tell him you already told him something -- he really don't remember. Just treat it like it's the first time he asked.

Few things will make you crazier than trying to force him back into "normal." It won't ever work, so try to relax and go with his flow.

Check out the Alzheimer's Assn. website, too, for useful info. They deal with all types of dementia, not just Alzheimer's.

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Thanks, I know you're right.

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Have to ask- have you been experiencing Hot Zone limitations since the pandemic started?

My husband and I have been experiencing something SO SIMILAR to you, with similar reactions from one another, and I can trace this back to when we were first locked down, and some forgetfulness (both of us) before, but not nearly as much has been annoying us both since.

My husband has severe anxiety, and I’m depressed, and neither condition makes for reasonably strong cognitive functioning.

I’ve JUST been able to get “in the line” for vaccination, and I’m hoping and praying that SOME sense of normalcy can help us figure out how to restore some semblance of reason to our lives. We’ve been hit somewhat more than many people by the outer effects of this horror, but fortunately are STILL healthy ourselves.

In the meantime, we’ve promised each other NOT to “fill in the blanks” for each other for the time being. We BOTH hate the fact that the other notices our slips, and fact is, in our house, we’d rather CHOOSE not to make each other mad, and honestly that has helped some.

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Many thanks.

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Has he had an evaluation by a neurologist? I think getting some clarity and professional advice might make you both more at ease. I’ve always felt that even bad news is better than no news and would rather know exactly what I’m dealing with. A friend once told me that acceptance comes over time, it’s very true

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Thank you for your good words.

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Dear Beth, the memory problems Rick's having trouble with can certainly drive you up the wall. Your getting used to it depends on what's causing the memory problems. Until you get him diagnosed to see what's going on, try not to remind him of what you previously told him. It's hard not to correct him in some way, but as you are finding out, that only results in confrontation. Those of us who have gone thru this experience with our spouses can certainly empathize with you. It's difficult to retain your composure but it can be done.

Please have Rick screened for dementia by his PCP. Besides the “forgetfulness”, what other problems do you see in his day to day life? Does he get confused about doing simple things like operating the TV remote, remembering where he placed something, or how to write checks? Before his appt., write down what you observe about his behavior and bring that with you. If his PCP suspects dementia, Rick will be referred to a neurologist who will conduct several other tests to find the reason for his dementia. Dementia has many causes, so it's imperative to determine the cause. Please get back to us after his PCP appointment.

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Thank you so much.

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No unfortunately you really never get used to it, but it is now important for you to start educating yourself on cognitive decline and all that goes along with that. If your husband is open to it, I would certainly get him scheduled for an appt. with a neurologist, so you and he both know what exactly you're dealing with. And I can tell you from experience that getting mad at him over this is really a no win situation. Your husband can't help that he's not remembering things, and when you get mad at him, it just makes him feel worse. He already feels bad that he's not remembering things, as he is more than aware of what's going on, and it can be quite scary for him, so instead of getting mad, you will need to show more patience, and understanding, which I know is much easier said than done, but trust me when I tell you, that it will make your life so much easier if you do. So do your homework, and get yourself educated. That will help you so much as you continue on this journey with the "love of your life". God bless you.

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Thanks, very helpful.

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No, you won't get used to it. But you will come to accept it more when you DO accept it. Has your husband been in for some initial assessments? It's a good idea just to get the early assessment. And do educate yourself as much as you can once there is some diagnosis, so that you understand that this is NORMAL. And if there is some dementia it will be more and more and more and more the norm. I am 78 and my partner is 80. We frequently discuss the ways in which we are losing it! So far it is forgetfulness, time moving faster, and occ. odd things we do. Yesterday we laughed a lot over the doorbell going off when I had one sneaker on and tied. When the package unveiling was done I was still in one sneaker, preparing for my walk. But now the other one was missing. I actually ended up going down the stairs and out the door to see if I picked up the package and set down the sneaker. Finally found it in front room where I had looked out the window in response to the doorbell before retrieving the package. Wouldn't have happened to me in the past. Does all the time now, and often when I reread a post here I realize I SHOULD be proofreading everything now before I press "send".
Try to come to peace with this. Argument or losing it won't win the day. But accepting, talking about it, trying hard and approaching with humor the best we can may not help, but may make it a tiny bit easier. A tiny bit.

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Terrific, thank you so much for writing. Really helpful.

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How about getting a large dry erase board to put up in the kitchen? You can put notes on there, like "Walking with Jacq on Tuesday from 1-2pm"; dinner with kids Thursday 6 pm. Whatever. Little reminders for your husband so YOU don't have to be his full-time memory. You can jot new notes on there daily, and it's not something SO intrusive or SO dementia-like in nature that he'd likely take offense to it. In fact, it can be a helpful tool for ALL of us as we age in place at home and tend to forget things in general.

My mother has full blown dementia & lives in Memory Care. I find her forgetfulness to be frustrating, to tell you the truth. When my own DH forgets things I've told him, it drives me up the wall too. I keep my thoughts private, but I FEEL them nevertheless. My mother drives me nuts in general, so my frustration with her is nothing new. With my DH, it's FEAR that drives me to feel frustrated. Fear can make us act in ways we're not proud of.

I don't know that you'll ever 'get used to this', but you'll find work arounds. Ways of doing things that take his compromised cognizance into account. Learn all you can about cognitive decline and what to expect moving forward. I think we can often learn more from boards such as this than we can from the 'best Neurologists' in the world. Once they do the testing and write the prescriptions (if there are any to write), that's when their part is over with. But that's when WE are left with the daily grind of everyday life with a person who's lost his memory and ability to function normally. The tips we get here are more valuable than gold. There's nothing like talking to people who walk the walk to get the best ideas and information about how to cope with your new life.

Wishing you the best of luck. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

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Thanks so much. I also was advocate as my mom spent her 88-91 years in assisted then memory care. I learned a lot, but it's been so different with my husband. Much slower, and harder to figure out.

This forum has been great, these last few days were really tough. Thanks again.

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You will get used to it in time. I like the movie "50 First Dates" as a way of understanding what your hubby is going through. Might be time to install lots of visible reminders around the house: dry erase board in the wall, something on the refrigerator... The visible reminders will help your hubby to have easy to see information.

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Just keep reminding yourself that it is not his fault that he can not remember things. That he is not doing it on purpose and when you get upset with him, yes he gets mad...why? Because it upsets him and it makes him sad. It really intensifies it. With this disease they can not learn, so don’t even try.

Now he has difficulty remembering from 24 hours prior. Then that too will close in to something that was said or took place only minutes prior. The person with Alzheimers can not learn, only we as loved ones/family/caregivers can learn and change as needed. No it is not easy but it can be a bit easier for you once you learn how to accept/handle it.

Years ago as my mother’s caregiver I learned in order for me to keep my sanity, I needed to adjust and not be surprised by anything. Training for taking care of my hubby now. My favorite saying is “That’s OK”.
Keep things calm. Get into their world. Take one day at a time. Stay calm. When asked the same question 10 times in a row, just make believe 10 different people walked into the room one by one and asked the same question, so you would think nothing of answering each one of them. Adapt. I do everything I can to keep everything simple. Conversation is next to nil, but what I say to my dear sweet husband of 60 years is simple. Amazing how we enjoy conversation about the birds, trees, sun, etc. That’s OK. Try to enjoy simple things together. Try not to be sad.

I look for blessings. So many things that we did together over the years. Things that we enjoyed together, even though he does not remember any of it. That’s OK. We live as if everything is normal, he seldom knows other than that and if he does, I calm him by saying, “That’s OK”. But also, Remember to take care of yourself.

I have found that my Mom and now my husband felt/feel my love for them. By my voice, holding their hand, etc. So don’t ever hesitate to give that love and kind words.

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Thank you, so helpful...

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OMG same thing with me and hubby and we are the same age as you. Its so stressful!! All I can say is try to take care of yourself and your health. Because you cant take care of someone else if YOURE sick. I do excercise everyday on the computer of course , these days becuase of Covid. But it is MY time , I close the door and put a not Do Not Disturb! He still opens the door occasionally.
Patience is a vertue . I pray for you and him!

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I exercise every day too! It helps a lot.

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If he has dementia, it is not going to get any better, only worse. And no, you will never get used to it.

However, you can get an Alzheimer's clock to assist with dates and medications. You can write the daily schedule, including walks with your friend, on a white board. You can check with a neurologist for medications that help with dementia symptoms.

It's a horrible disease that never gets better.

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My wife has Alzheimer's with mixed vascular dementia. The first few years were difficult for me, and I'm sure her as well, I would lose my temper at times. I have learned to adjust to the present day, Iim now thankful for the small things that remain of her once vibrant self knowing well that I won't have them as the disease progresses. This new understanding has helped me considerably to enjoy our time together. I hope you can learn to enjoy your time together and be thankful you still have a loved one you can hug, hold hands with and share a kiss. I wish you well.

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Oh my.....I can so identify! Looking back the past 6 years, I realize my husband, now 68 years old, had started getting dementia. I didn't suspect that at the time, just thought he was inconsiderate about forgetting things. I had learned only a couple years after his retirement at age 62 that he was advised by his company to retire early because of memory issues. (Why didn't this employer notify me?!!!). Anyway, we went to his primary doctor who suggested him to see a neurologist for testing. Sure enough, the MRI/PET scans confirmed Alzheimers. It's been 4 years now since he's been on meds and vitamins, but they eventually wear off. The caregiving has put so much stress on me that I had to place him in memory care 4 months ago. We were both getting so agitated, and was advised to place him in memory care, since he did hit me once and threatened a few times as well. Anger is part of Alzheimers for some. I'm going through this guilt stage now, with not being able to care for him at home. I've tried in home care service companies, but they failed me with inexperienced employees who couldn't meet my requirements. Also, Covid hasn't helped with visitation, etc. Hard part, too, is when family or friends don't understand my decision to place him in memory care.....well, they weren't here 24/7!! You have to let go of others who are judgmental with their opinions and thoughts. Meantime, my husband is adjusting to his new home, but still expecting to "come home" sometime. Every day is difficult for me more than him.....living alone, both families living out of town/state, no visitations due to Covid. Alzheimers has no cure.....and still hard to accept that it will get worse. Thank God he still remembers me, but I'm preparing for the day when he won't. The hardest part is thinking about how long this will "drag" out.....2 months, years, 5 more years??? Paying now out of pocket is very expensive, and sadly our retirement money will run out eventually. I suggest you start a person savings account in your name only, to protact the state or Medicaid from taking "your" money when they start paying for his care.
Good luck to you. I hope you can find an Alzheimers support group, because our county here in Ohio offers none. Just depending on a few friends to talk to for helping me get through this.

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I put my wife in memory care in assisted living facility in Babylon NY were she then caught covid 19 after being their 3 months. This was the worst decession I ever made. I am now breving for her may she rest in peace. She was the love of my live for 54 years. They treated her and myself terribley and she died horrible. the AARP made report on Nursing Homes and the report tell you how bad their care is and how they cut cost for profit.

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Delay telling him some things.
For example if you plan on meeting friends tomorrow at 2 PM for a walk don't mention it today. Tomorrow you can mention that you are going for a walk but just say "I am going to go for a walk today" if he asks when just say "after lunch" After lunch say you are going for a walk at 2.
If you wrote things down on a white board would that help him? Place the white board next to a clock. Either set the white board up like a weekly calendar or just make it for the day if 5 days would be more than he could handle.

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You have to not to upset. Your husband can not help that he can't remember.
Sad but True it will only get worse with time.
You need to just answer the same question as many times as he asks. Just as if it's a little child that keeps asking the same question over and over again.
One day you may be like that so treat him the way you wojld want to be treated.
Your husband doesn't like not being able to remember more than you don't like repeating yourself.

Be glad you don't have Dementia.

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what a great answer.

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Thanks for sharing. I understand. My wife is going through this too. She is 76. I am learning this is part of the disease. It is tricky to navigate because I reminding her that I answered two other times (within minutes of each time) hurts her. I am learning to let it go by. My memory tells me she is the same person I married but in some ways she is not.

keep walking. I’m glad you have a friend to walk with. At the moment I do not.

I grieve too.

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Timothy.....you are doing the right thing. You do learn as you go along. Letting it go by is the best. She truly is the same woman you married but through no fault of her own developed this disease.
Dont grieve yet. You still have her to talk to and have her talk back and to touch and to hug and to tell her how much you love her. There may come a day that you wont be able to do any of those things so try to remember that and just love her like you do.

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My 78 yr old brother in law has Parkinson's and Lewy body dementia. My sister is 69. They have no children by choice, she is admittedly self centered and not a care giver. It has been a struggle for her everyday adjusting her focus to care for him. Finally she has begun to reach out for help, hard with Covid. I would encourage you to start exploring your options, in home help or a facility sooner rather than later. Just a few hours every couple of days to care for yourself will improve your reaction to him. Take deep breaths and tell yourself he is not doing this on purpose, he is afraid of what is happening to himself, if he remembered he would not ask. You can not change his reality. Get a diagnosis so you can prepare for what is to come. Not all dementia is Alzheimer's.

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Just remember......because as you say you are loosing him.....every precious moment counts. Please dont get angry at him for something that is truly not his fault. Just repeat yourself that's all. He feels bad enough without getting yelled at. I know it gets frustrating but put yourself in his position. Be happy that he can still write and still talk and see and walk and knows who you are. If its been going on for 4 or 5 years......it could be so much worse than it is. Since he is the love of your life.....remember that and love him no matter what. Give him lots of hugs. Hugs really do make people feel good and it will make you feel good too.

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Imho, it is quite likely upsetting. Maybe one of the points in his illness is to try to keep calm. So tough; I know. Prayers sent.

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My wife has Alzheimers and it isn't so far advanced she can't function, but, like you, I have to repeat most everything I tell her and even after a few minutes sometimes... but sometimes she can remember but it is getting gradually worse. She is 83 and I am 81 and she may outlive it. I am thankful she can mostly take care of herself and get around the house with her walker. My sustaining grace is that her brother and his wife live next door and I can go next door for a little intelligent conversation now and then, as well as my Facebook friends! I know how you must feel but you can help by remembering how much worse it could be. I, too, sometimes speak sharply to my wife when she says or asks something ridiculous and immediately, I am ashamed of myself and explain to her why I was mean! She mostly understands... sometimes I hurt her feelings and don't know why, but she forgets it very soon and all is O.K.! But please don't let hurt feelings simmer. Go to him and explain and apologize... it will make you both feel good! I recommend you involve yourself in some local Facebook groups and it will help to express yourself to them sometimes! Good luck!

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exactly same here and he too is love of my life ....71 yrs and 62 yrs trying to dig into deepet and deeper compassion and new eyes/expectations ... it is really hard - i feel for you
hang un there, use laughter and friends i use a verh large calendar - desk size - on the wall - gor for us both to use - it hasnt workef very well for obvious reasons so..,,, shrug... its a hoid visual just for my remembrance and a reminder to adjust my own expectstions... best to yo

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I don't know if you will get used to it. As I'm in a similar situation (I take care of my Mom who has dementia) I miss talking to my "old" Mom but I have accepted the fact that my Mom's brain is broken and she can't help not remembering.

She asks me the same questions everyday and I answer them as it's the first time I heard them. Again, she can't help it just like your husband can't help it. It's part of the disease.

When we expect more we set ourselves up for disappointment. It's better to accept, easier for you and for your husband and less stress for the both of you.

You will learn how to deal with your husband as it's a progressive disease and will get worse with time. What helped me besides this forum was watching Teepa Snow youtube video's. She explains so much and also teaches you how to deal.

I feel for you I really do. I know how frustrating it can be when someone we love doesn't remember. Again, I really miss having conversations with my Mom but those days are long gone. All I can do is be the best I can for my Mom with the time she has left on this earth.

Best to you,
Jenna

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I am experiencing the same thing with my husband. We never fought in 50 years of marriage and now I snap at him “I just told you that!” Because he seems so well with early Alzheimer’s, I forget he has an illness most of the time until he starts looking for things and repeatedly asking questions. I become anxious when he somehow misplaces important documents and bills(even though we have automatic pay for most) and when we have appointments he forgets. I know I need to hide important documents in a strongbox but, as I said, he seems so normal until I find him rummaging through things. I had an item packaged to return to a store and it disappeared. I think he threw it out and I got angry but he couldn’t remember if he had thrown it out. There are post-it notes and messages he writes to himself all over which is sad as I know he is trying but he forgets to look at what he has written and so we just have messes. I think the different stages of illness bring different responses from caregivers. This is hard in a different way from those caring with very disabled people. I just pray I will be strong enough for the journey ahead.

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I echo every answer provided to you on the message board. My husband has Parkinson, Lewy Body Dementia and history of strokes. Recent stroke November 8, 2020. The only advice I can give you is to learn “patience”. Patience is the key...this is an uphill battle for us caregivers. My mother gave me advice after being a caregiver for my father for many years and her words are “Just know that the table can turn and it could be you that need the help of others...nothing is certain in life. Bottom Line...Thank God it’s not in reverse whereas, husband taking care of you.

Just do the best you can and have patience.

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Having someone close who is having this issue is not something you ever get used to. Memory loss from different types of dementia is rarely defined area of loss - like real short term conversation held less than 24 hours ago or long term like losing track of personal history - family stories. It is ever changing it seems .
I know it is hard especially when you are required to be repetitive constantly but try not to allow it to aggravate you. I lost my husband a few months ago and now those times I lost my patience with him haunt me. He was not doing it on purpose to aggravate me he was just trying to keep track of things as best he could and I WAS THE ONE HE TRUSTED TO FILL IN THE BLANKS.
He was my souldmate my love and I would give the world to just spend time with him again- it is painful beuyond measure Towards the very end he often did not know who i was specifically. He knew he knew me but he actually could not make the connection that i was his wife. you cannot imagine how traumatic that was. He kept calling me by his sisters name which was something that really rubbed me the wrong way. Once I lost my temper and yelled at him " I am not your sister!" and he looked at me and said all pisse of " Well - then who the hell are yoiu!"
I was devastated but it really drove it home to me how deeply it had affected his ability to stay connected to his life and how distressing it must have been. he did not remember our home when I brought him home on hospice or me most of the time and I was told by someone that there were days when he was not sure who he was if you can even imagine how that felt to him. Terrifying no doubt.
At least so far your husband just cannot remember specific details like what you are doing for the day. No matter hoe annoying that can be - it could be some much more difficult and sad. try to enjoy just having the love of your life there and knowing who you are - the details just do not matter as much anymore when you get a little perspective. Take it from someone who regrets no having had more patience.

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My grandpa was the primary caregiver for my gram until his passing. She would wind herself up (or he might have wound her up - who knows?) and she would be mad all night long. He had a hard time with her dementia. I would encourage you to be patient. My gram would hold on to her anger for a whole day/ night, but not remember why. Redirection is a godsend. Just get your hubby talking about the good old times if his long term memory is still mostly intact. After my grandpa passed, I would make appointments for my gram and just remind (over and over) a couple of hours ahead of her appointment and just be like "yeah, remember they called you yesterday and you asked for a ride" or something along those lines. Don't forget to make YOU time. That's very important. I'm glad you have family that lives next door that you can lean on. Good luck - it can feel like a long road ahead of you, just take a deep breath. Don't be afraid to ask your family for extra support when you need it. Otherwise, there is a whole team here rooting for you to keep you going.

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Just can't get used to it...building memory loss in my spouse. Will I ever get used to this?

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