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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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He is 89 with advancing dementia, and needs constant help. I am 77 with some health problems too and continuing to care for him at home was becoming increasingly impossible. I know it had to be, but I can't stop crying. Any advice for me?
May, look at it this way, now you can visit and spend quality time with him without the burden of day to day care which was exhausting you. Bless your daughter for support to help with this difficult decision.
Grieve not having him near every moment, but relish the time you do have and enjoy some much needed rest to recoup your energy.
Thinking over this situation, I think sometimes others act as catalysts to encourage (or push) us into situations which we find too difficult to make on our own. Sometimes it's just too emotionally difficult to move into the area of evaluating tough situations.
After having made those decisions, there's a period of self questioning as to whether the right decision was actually made. Then gradually we're able to see that it was (generally).
I think this is the case. As Veronica wrote, your stepdaugher actually relieved you of a difficult decision, as it probably was too hard to even begin considering the placement yourself. So she relieved you of that aspect.
I suspect she's going through similar self questioning to justify her decision as it must have been hard for her as well.
I do hope that as the days pass you're able to feel more comfortable about the situation and find ways that you can now spend your time more pleasurably with your husband.
Perhaps it might help if you got together with your step daughter so that you both could share your feelings.
May right now your are in mourning and it is very appropriate and healing to cry. You wouldn't be the loving wife you are if you did not feel sad.This seems to be the end of so many things and life will never be the same. No it won't that is true but it will be better than it has been recently. Your step daughter has taken away a huge burden, one that you could not continue to carry alone. She probably does not want to talk about it because she feels an element of guilt for taking away your husband and removing him from his home. It is easier for her to just smile and tell herself she has done the best for both of you. Let yourself cry and let it all hang out for a few days then begin to plan how you can spend time with your husband and make his life pleasant while you do not have the day to day burden and no longer have to sleep with one eye open. You have done a wonderful job taking care of him up to now and he is settling down well so try and look at all the positive things. Blessings
Please don't feel bad. Your husband will get much better care now. Any chance you could move into the same aged care center - as they are called here in Australia
I absolutely agree: this hard choice is best for your husband and will be best for you - it just doesn't feel like it at the moment. Well done for facing up to it, and I hope things look brighter very soon.
May your step-daughter did you a huge service by pushing to get her dad into a memory care situation. I know it's hard and a huge adjustment for you and your husband, but now he's safe and you can go back to being his wife and not his nurse/housekeeper/maid, etc. Jeanne has given you wonderful advice. Feel all of those feelings and let them fade. Then spend time with your husband as you both adjust to this change in your life. Best wishes...
May, I haven't been through this with a spouse, but I feel for your situation. I will share that my aunt, after many, many years of trying to care for my uncle with dementia, alone, was finally persuaded by her "kids" to put him in memory care. She visited him every day, continued to care for him; they were both safe. We found out after the fact that he had been bruising her daily to try to get the key to their condo to get out. It was "win-win" all around. take heart; this is a change, and a big one, no arguement there, but you still will be able to love him and care for him on his journey. Don't be too hard on his daughter; she loves her dad as much as you love him. People deal with these situations in different ways.
If you aren't already living in a retirement community, you might want to look into one that is nearby the assistant living facilities.... that way it would be easier for you to check on your husband, maybe even have meals with him... and you can make new friends at the retirement community. Maybe that way your husband would feel you are also in a safer place and not feeling so alone.
I am trying to get my parents [in their 90's] to consider moving from their large single family home into something much easier.... plus they can make new friends at a retirement village.... thus, if something happens to either one, serious illness or otherwise, the spouse would be in a safer place, too. And less stress on me, their daughter.
Thank you both. I am trying to be there part of everyday and I can see that he is adjusting better than I thought he would. I think he feels safer there and he has said he is well looked after. I can't talk to the daughter--his, not mine. She is who pushed this, and she is very happy with it. I know she was right, but still feel angry at her. She won't talk about it with him-she says he has dementia and can't understand, or with me, just acts as though everything is perfectly normal and nothing had happened. Very nice and pleasant, but ignores that there has been an enormous change. He does understand, but just forgets. He was confused so much at home. The routine there is good, and he seems less confused. I know all this, but still feel overwhelmed with grief. Yes, it is a huge loss for me, and neither she nor her husband have even once asked how I am doing. My friends have been good, but it is just a complete change in my whole life. It is like losing a part of myself.
Maymorning2, I am so sorry for your situation. You did the right thing, but that doesn't mean it feels good!
This is a huge milestone in your relationship, and a huge loss. I think it is perfectly appropriate to cry. Those of us whose spouses have dementia do our mourning along the way, one loss at a time.
Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to express your feelings. Is there someone you can confide in and talk about these things with? A close friend? Your husband's daughter? Consider talking to the social worker at the assisted living facility, or the chaplain. These people are very familiar with what you are going through.
It is OK to mourn. It is OK to feel overwhelmed. It is OK to wish that things could be different. There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband needs your continuing love and your presence in his life. I'm sure you'll get yourself together and go on caring for him.
Think of the situation as that you've gotten the best care for him. If it was close to impossible to care for him at home, you chose an option which provided a good alternative so that he can get the care he needed, which he no longer could at home.
Remember that you've chosen a placement for him that can offer more assistance than you can and try to take comfort in the strength it took to make this decision.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Grieve not having him near every moment, but relish the time you do have and enjoy some much needed rest to recoup your energy.
After having made those decisions, there's a period of self questioning as to whether the right decision was actually made. Then gradually we're able to see that it was (generally).
I think this is the case. As Veronica wrote, your stepdaugher actually relieved you of a difficult decision, as it probably was too hard to even begin considering the placement yourself. So she relieved you of that aspect.
I suspect she's going through similar self questioning to justify her decision as it must have been hard for her as well.
I do hope that as the days pass you're able to feel more comfortable about the situation and find ways that you can now spend your time more pleasurably with your husband.
Perhaps it might help if you got together with your step daughter so that you both could share your feelings.
Let yourself cry and let it all hang out for a few days then begin to plan how you can spend time with your husband and make his life pleasant while you do not have the day to day burden and no longer have to sleep with one eye open. You have done a wonderful job taking care of him up to now and he is settling down well so try and look at all the positive things. Blessings
If you aren't already living in a retirement community, you might want to look into one that is nearby the assistant living facilities.... that way it would be easier for you to check on your husband, maybe even have meals with him... and you can make new friends at the retirement community. Maybe that way your husband would feel you are also in a safer place and not feeling so alone.
I am trying to get my parents [in their 90's] to consider moving from their large single family home into something much easier.... plus they can make new friends at a retirement village.... thus, if something happens to either one, serious illness or otherwise, the spouse would be in a safer place, too. And less stress on me, their daughter.
This is a huge milestone in your relationship, and a huge loss. I think it is perfectly appropriate to cry. Those of us whose spouses have dementia do our mourning along the way, one loss at a time.
Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to express your feelings. Is there someone you can confide in and talk about these things with? A close friend? Your husband's daughter? Consider talking to the social worker at the assisted living facility, or the chaplain. These people are very familiar with what you are going through.
It is OK to mourn. It is OK to feel overwhelmed. It is OK to wish that things could be different. There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband needs your continuing love and your presence in his life. I'm sure you'll get yourself together and go on caring for him.
Remember that you've chosen a placement for him that can offer more assistance than you can and try to take comfort in the strength it took to make this decision.