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Kathy, this was my situation b/f I left my abusive husband:
1) I didn't realize I was being abused and had become completely accustomed to it -- that's what I thought life was like.
2) I was recovering at home from a broken hip.
3) I stayed in bed all day and only got up to eat and shower.
4) I virtually had no vehicle b/c I had other medical issues and was not allowed to drive. I had to rely on my abusive husband to drive me to appts and grocery shopping (yes, I had to do MY OWN groceries). And if I didn't notify him 48 hours in advance, there was hell to pay.
5) I had no place to go, I thought.
6) I had no money.

I finally escaped b/c a friend told me about her abuse, and why she had put up with it so long. It was a 30-year marriage, we had a lovely home that I still miss, a beautiful garden that I designed, and I left ALL my belongings behind. All of them. I just took what I could carry in a suitcase. That was three years ago and I'm still recovering. I lost my whole life.

I spent the first two years traumatized -- you think leaving a 30 year marriage is easy? There's the home and the friends and the kids and the routine and the stuff and the fear and the humiliation and the few happy memories -- after 30 years it was dreadful. But I lived. And this year is better and I turned 71.

You may never forget -- I haven't and don't think I will ever really recover. But if you don't get out now, you'll be like me -- a 71-year-old with several serious disabilities (two strokes, seizure disorder, CFS), and starting again.

Or you could start again now. Sweet thing, all it takes is one phone call. Please do it. Please heed all the wonderful advice you've been given here.
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There are many other things my husband used to make me do that were completely embarrassing. Like taking me to the grocery store, dropping me off in the middle of the parking lot, I'd get out of the car and hobble in to the store, do my shopping, and schlepp it back to the car. When I look back on it (and that's just ONE of the petty things he'd do), I think: How did I put up with that? We had a three-story house and he refused to take my laundry down to the washing machine, so I threw it down the stairs. How did I put up with THAT?? And on and on ... how DID I put up with that?
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Jinglebts, your story is heartbreaking and beyond, but also inspirational. It's almost incomprehensible what someone can do to another person to humiliate, subjugate, manipulate and control.

I applaud your courage in recognizing the situation for what it was as well as having the stamina, strength, courage and determination to escape and create a decent life for yourself.

And I'm sure it also took courage to share such a personal part of your life with us.
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GA: "And I'm sure it also took courage to share such a personal part of your life with us."

You know what? It was a relief, in the end (that's now, of course ;) ... I'm still fighting legal battles and am still broke, but I have new neighbours in the small town where I live who shovel the driveway for me, I have all sorts of adventures (like skidding off the road in January into a huge snowdrift and some guys in a pickup truck towing me out -- the kindness of strangers!), and my dear sweet daughter and SIL and grandsons, who do so much for me. So while I did get a bit verklempt at the end of writing this -- I mean how COULD I have put up with it and what does it stay about my own state of mind -- it was a relief. I do thank you for your applause tho'!
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jinglebts, it sounds so much like what was going on between my ex and me. I never asked myself how I put up with it for as long as I did. I think it's because women our age are taught to put up with it. I love that you got out of it, but I also know how hard it is when you're the one doing the leaving. How much nicer life would have been with a good man.
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The first 20 years were relatively good, but when my ex got laid off three times, that was the beginning of the end. I've been thinking: he may have dementia. His father had it, and someone mentioned money issues here a couple of days ago. He got obsessed with how much we were spending, insisted I make a budget (I didn't, as HE didn't recall the black notebooks that we had had for all our working lives -- 20 years, which lived on our dresser and we entered every expense in them. That's how we managed to pay for six cars, a reno, trips to Europe, daughter's university -- yes, we paid it all because we could-- and paid off our mortgage in ten years). He became obsessed with money, VERY angry, totalled his car while searching for something that dropped into the passenger-side wheel well WHILE DRIVING 60K AN HOUR (1 mile is 2.2 kilometers) a couple of years ago ... and has just generally become weirder and weirder. He talked to her once on the phone, just after I'd had the second stroke, hung up, and barged into the bedroom bellowing "[your daughter] doesn't want you to stay with her any more! She said it was like having a third child!" Well I knew she'd never say that. So I called her and she was shocked that he'd say that.

All this was in the last 10 years or so. So no, I didn't actually put up with it for 30 years, but he was always a difficult man to live with.
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