Just received a call that there is a spot for my husband in a dementia unit & they can take him as early as this afternoon. Now what?

I feel for you and what you are going through. Placing him is necessary but that doesn't make it any easier.

Maybe the facility has some suggestions .
Also if you make additional trips with additional items , he may still be very angry . I made that mistake with my mother . It didn’t go well , she was very agitated when I came.
So the next time I came , I called the facility from the parking lot . They sent someone out to get the items from me and they brought them to my mother’s room .
Tough situation . I feel so bad no one can help you with the move . Best of luck .

When we moved my mother in, the facility kept her busy while everything was arranged.

Perhaps a friend or relative can be loading up a moving van while you take your hubby out to breakfast, or lunch. The friend can drive behind the moving van.

The friend can direct the movers to set up the room. You can join the friend, while the facility keeps hubby busy.

No matter how it goes, it will be hard. Maybe for quite some time.
Come back here. We will listen.

Enlist the help of the facility. Trust me, they've done this a million times, and they'll take care of distracting him, helping you set up his room -- whatever needs to be done. The best thing to do in my opinion is to ensure he never sees you there while this is going on, so he doesn't connect you as much to the permanence of this move.

Taking him this afternoon seems sudden -- I'd take him tomorrow. Don't worry about packing things unless you can do it when he's asleep. Make two trips tomorrow if needed -- one with him, then another with his clothes and toiletries. His bigger items like the chair, laptop, etc. can wait until next week. You can find someone to assist with that by then.

Just breathe -- I know it's really, really hard.

Think about the end result - that he’ll be where he’ll be cared for, and you’ll be at home without the pressure that you’ve been suffering.

Good luck, and I hope it goes well.

Not sure if I can be of any help, but I am working with a family member just now who cannot be rushed, otherwise she will not cooperate. You need their cooperation to place them unless they are declared incompetent by a doctor or a court of law, imo. I could be wrong. Both persons have rights, yes?

It does not sound like your husband has been prepared and won't be ready this soon. It also sounds as if you are overwhelmed, and your head is spinning. Maybe you are not ready to be rushed into accommodating the facility's offer.
At least not today. Legally, is he beyond his right to receive "informed consent?"

I do think that you need the help of the facility.
However, if you think you can hold on until a room opens up in the nearby facility, you will not have to move him again. That would be a benefit because moving someone with dementia and confusion does not help them.

What is the requirement on taking away his cell phone? Isn't that a red flag?
And you said a dementia facility. Is that a locked ward in Memory Care?

I would wait. When dH becomes violent, (call 911 when he is agitated), he can be placed in a behavioral hospital, get his meds regulated. Then, the transfer to the dementia unit may be easier; him not blaming you; maybe he will cooperate since he cannot come home. We hear all the time about how facilities won't take someone who is violent or a behavioral risk. Have they met him, done an assessment?

Hoping this can go smoothly for you both. Of course you do not want to be in danger, ever. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your teen living at home. Having someone, almost anyone, nearby as a witness may help.

Guess I don't really have a good answer for you.
Have you consulted an attorney about a patient's rights?
Can the dementia unit legally hold him against his will?
But wishing you and your husband well.

You do need help, do not try to do this on your own.

Are you honestly comfortable with your husband being an hour away instead of waiting for something closer? And what if their "sister" facility doesn't ever have an opening, or one soon enough?
Are you willing to have to drive an hour in the middle of the night when you've gotten the call that he's fallen and they're taking him to the ER?
I don't know. Something doesn't feel right here. I would not have been able to be an hour away from my late husband had he been placed. This should not be a rushed process. You should be able to set up your husbands room ahead of time so that when he arrives, his room will be similar to what he knew at home, as he will be much more comfortable then. And I'm not sure I agree with taking his cell phone away either if he's still able to use it.
Most people that I've known that have had to place their loved one had the room set up first, then took their loved one usually "out to lunch" at the facility, and when done eating the staff would distract the loved one and the family would leave.
And then of course they do recommend that you stay away for the first couple of weeks to allow him to get adjusted.
If you don't have peace about this right now then DON'T do it. You will know when it's the right time to place him.
I wish you the very best in this tough situation.

Breathe. Recognize that no amount of preparation will make placing your husband any easier on him. He has dementia. His brain is broken. He will be angry. His disease is only going to get worse. If it's a good facility and they have a place for him is being an hour away really the worst thing? Might being an hour away give you the breathing room you yourself need to adjust to the change and be someone other than his caregiver?

I know two families who have been waiting for 6+ months to get their loved ones into memory care and it's taking a toll on them all. One family the mom nearly burned her house down were it not for a neighbor seeing smoke coming from the kitchen window. The other family the dad is becoming belligerent - threw his walker at his daughter - and he's sundowning earlier and earlier in the afternoon and the meds are no longer controlling his symptoms.

Just because he calls doesn't mean you need to answer the phone. Again, his brain is broken and your conversation will not change that. You cannot reason with a broken brain. He will get the care he needs. You will get peace of mind knowing he's where he needs to be.

Anosognosia is incredibly difficult to live with. My husband, who is now in a memory care community, suffers from this and constantly wants to come home. After he fell down the stairs and spent several weeks in a rehab facility, I was given six days to find care for him. I got that time limit extended to eight days and spent a week finding a community nearby. They had no single rooms (which he needed), so I paid for a double room without a roommate and placed him on the waiting list for a single. It was expensive, but a single opened up in four months. My father-in-law had to be placed in a facility one hour away until a room opened up in a local nursing home; that took about six months. They do let you know as soon as there is an opening.
I hate listening to my husband's demands to come home, but I also know that I could never care for him without full-time help. He is very resistant to my suggestions and feels that he can do things that just are not safe. I would never be able to keep him off the stairs, and I would definitely need someone to stay awake at night; he often gets up in the middle of the night and thinks he needs to go to work. The hour's drive will give you some time alone to listen to the radio or reflect on things other than his care.
It's one thing to care for someone who can cooperate in his care; it's another to care for one who doesn't think he needs care. Your task at this point is to keep him safe and take care of yourself.
By the way, I'm not too good at following my own advice. I still obsess about bringing my husband home.
Good luck!

Hi, Based on the info, today might be a great start. If it were me, I would pack very lightly including one or two small photos or book etc. Very little. Remember most things in a care home disappear. Less is more.
If you can get anyone to make the trip to get there with him, and yourself, I think that would be wise. Be sure your dr. is notified. You might want to get right on it. They might even offer transport and you could ride behind. Never hurts to ask!

Can you and a church member take him there after church?
Have lunch. Tell him they have a room for him, would you like to see it?
He might be wanting to behave appropriately, especially if it is a pastor and his wife.

So hard, this is so very hard!

Sending prayers Patty.

As others have said, ask the facility for help. They have moved people into memory care many times. When I moved my sister to a memory care unit, I did not tell her anything before the move. There would have been no reasoning with her about it. She was already in assisted living and the facility had an opening in memory care. On moving day, the RN and the administrator of memory care went to my sisters apartment, told her they had a new apartment they wanted her to look at and texted me (I was waiting in the parking lot on the day of the move). They told her they would like her to move that day. I acted like it was news to me that they wanted her to move. We all went together to look at the new apartment. They then took her to lunch, and I had hired movers to move some of her things and get her room set up while she was at lunch. She was not happy--who would be moving to a locked memory care unit-- but she likes the staff and the smaller space is easier for her to manage. She has adapted but it took a few months. Sometimes she still asks me to take her to a hotel or take her home (she still has a cell phone). But I tell her I can't do it today and we can talk about it later. I wouldn't wait until it's a crisis situation. Like you, I felt rushed at first when they said they had an opening but I did not want to wait for perhaps months for another opening. I know she needs the extra care, and I feel so much better knowing she is getting the care she needs and can't wander.

Last week I moved mom into a board &care AL/MC. As some have said, pack lightly because it makes quick work of things on moving day. What worked for me was on the last two laundry days I just put the clean laundry into a couple boxes. It was clothing for about a week. Mom never noticed. I had previously requested additional hospice supplies so I just put all those in a box as well. The night before the move I put the boxes and a few other things in my car. Mom still never noticed. The morning of, I put her walker and her medications in the car. And off we went. I told mom I was going on a vacation and she was going to stay with caregivers while I was gone. She was most concerned about who was going to feed our cats while she was gone. When we arrived mom was escorted to living room to watch TV while I brought in and unpacked the few boxes. I was done in half an hour. Mom was already warm and asleep in a recliner. Being an hour away is really not a dealbreaker. Anyway, it does give you time for attitude adjustment coming and going. So I visited mom today for the first time since at moving in. I brought a few small things like her calendar and some waffle pads to make the chairs there more comfortable. I'll probably think of more things as time goes on. You don't need to have it all on the first day. Best wishes on the move.

So how did the move go?

UPDATE: I packed up 3 boxes with some of my husband's things and went up the night before I intended to take him so I could set up his room. I was told to keep his (flip) phone for a while otherwise he might be calling people non-stop to come get him, and big things like his recliner & side table should go up later after he's accepted the fact that it is his new home. (?) Apparently I assumed too much and it did not go well. Again, although he has moderate dementia, he still showers, shaves, brushes his teeth, etc. himself. I realize he will lose the ability to do this, but for now he can. The room is semi-private and shares a bathroom with the room next door. The bathroom consisted of mirror, sink & toilet. No storage. I asked if he needed some type of bath caddy for his things and was told No, that they (the aides) would keep his things and bring it to him when he needed it. I knew he couldn't keep his razors, but thought the rest could stay with him for a while. I was then told it's best that I also keep his partial dentures at home as it might be "lost". The shower is down the hall and I was told that most residents only shower about every 4 days, and a "community" liquid soap and shampoo are all that's needed...he wouldn't really need his own. Is there a place he can keep a stash of snacks? Nope. It all has to be kept near the aides. In the room, there was one accessible outlet. I brought a power strip with about a foot long cord that he uses at home to charge his phone, laptop, memory clock, and music player (just lift the lid & it plays pre-recorded music). Nope, no extension cords allowed, per state rules...and laptops aren't permitted because too often residents access "inappropriate" things and it becomes a problem, but he could have a tablet & a smart phone - which he doesn't have either of and would have to learn to use. In fact, there is no internet in the rooms. He would need a hotspot. (His laptop only has 2 icons on it - Facebook & email. He doesn't actively search the internet for anything or really even type, he just mostly scrolls FB.)

Obviously, I was naive in thinking that I could set his room up close to what he has at home. And I understand that he is not in the general population of the home where he might have more liberties, he is in the locked dementia unit. But I thought if he had the comforts of home, he might settle in better. I couldn't even put his clothes away. They said they would unpack for him so they would know what he had. The courtyard isn't accessible as the state deemed the walking path a tripping hazard, so unless I took him somewhere, he can't go outside there.

I was already thinking about all that he would be giving up to move into a facility - his dog, his family, his home, his freedom. And I know that the Alzheimer's will eventually take all that, but every time they told me what he couldn't have out of what little I took there, it was just soul crushing. They tried to reassure me that its harder on the family and that the residents usually adjust within a few days, but I just couldn't picture leaving him there with virtually nothing, completely out of his element. Then they said that I would notice what seemed like a significant decline once he was placed, but it wasn't that he really declined, it would be because I didn't realize how much I actually did for him at home, so not to be too upset by it. I think he'd decline out of sheer boredom & lack of stimulation. It was awful. I brought his stuff back home with me and ugly cried all the way. I hadn't actually toured this home, but it's a sister facility to one I had. I don't remember residents' rooms anywhere being so empty. Ultimately, I let them know I would not be bringing him in. Unless he gets physically violent or significantly declines at home, I'll keep him home longer and just do what I can to make it work, but this place was not the right one for us.

Patty84
Thanks for the update. It did sound very dismal and restrictive there at the facility. I hope you consider more help in your home to give you a break and time to keep looking for a better fit. Big hugs.

@Patty

I would say it would be a good thing to have the big familar items like the recliner, table, tv, etc... taken to the facility now. You don't know when there will be availability at the sister facility near you.
They are right to discourage you to not let him take the cellphone. If he can constantly call home which he will do, then he will never acclimate to his new environment. He is not going to a rehab or a hospital for a short-stay and then home it is.
He is going to spend the rest of his life in a nursing home. So it's better that he accept his new life sooner rather than later. I don't think he should have his laptop either. Or at least for a while unless there can be internet restriction put on it.
Did the facility suggest that you not visit for a few weeks?
Places usually do because a new resident with dementia will not acclimate when family is there all the time because theywill see them as the going "home" solution. Many times a person will adapt to a care facility very well make friends, and are actually content in their day-to-day activities. Yet, when their family shows up they will turn on the misery, gloom and doom, and begging to go home. This can happen too.
Many times they will get very abusive to try and intimidate their family members into taking them home.
Stay away for a while. Call him once a day on whatever floor he's on and they can send someone to bring him to the phone.
Call the facility and explain to them that he has dementia and is going to be a hostile transfer. They will help with that or put you in touch with people who can.
Look online for handyman services or an odd-jobs man who can help you move small stuff like a chair and tv. They do this kind of work.
Good luck and hang in there. Everything will workout for the best.

As I was reading your post I thought, I would not leave him there. I think you made the right decision for now. When I was looking for LTC for Mom I went thru the 3 local ones owned by the same corp. The first, definitely I would not place Mom. The second one she had done Rehab in and I wasn't happy with but I gave them a second chance. I was given a lousy tour by a woman who could have cared less. The 3rd one...I knew when I walked in the door it was the right one. During the tour I saw happy faces on the residents and they were clean. Everything was clean. Big common area for visiting. Dining and activities room. Activities were done every afternoon till dinner. A courtyard where they could come and go.

You will find the perfect place.