Am I justified to have some expectations for Mom?
I pay for mom to have a landline in her Assisted Living apartment. She has some dementia from strokes, but manages to use her phone to call me when she needs something. I've asked her many times to call and check in with me if she hasn't heard from me, but never does. When I call, the phone rings and rings and she doesn't pick it up (God knows why). I've been sick and injured, and she knows that, and been trying to call for two weeks with no luck, and am disgusted that even after I told the nurse at AL to tell her I'm trying to call, she hasn't bothered to call me.
At this point, am I wrong to expect a little concern and consideration coming my way? A simple phone call?
And if you're wondering, she was never very other-concerned when it came to me, despite what she tells others (she's always telling them she hasn't heard from me and is SO worried). She's not on death's door either, she's mobile with a walker and participates in the activities at AL, wins at Bingo. If I tell her I have money in my purse for her, three hours later when I'm ready to leave for home, she'll remind me to give her the money (read: not THAT demented!).
I'm ready to shut off the phone, I'm so disgusted. Thanks for letting me rant : )
19 Answers
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If she's always been this way I think you have to just accept that how she is. Rant all you want here. You'll have plenty of company plus much empathy and sympathy. No guilt allowed : )
One suggestion: Could you call someone at the AL and ask them to go tell you mother that you are trying to call. In that way, you'd know she is alright. Let the rest go and rant when you need to.
Take care of yourself. That's a must.
Carol
On the other hand, if your mom has always been self-centered, there's no reason to expect her to change now. If the phone isn't being used for the purpose you intended, go ahead and shut it off. Tell her you gave it to her so she could call you to see how you're doing, but since she never does, you're not paying for it anymore. Then stand back and watch the explosion.
I DID call the desk and ask them to check the phone to make sure it's ringing and tell my mother I've been trying to call her. They told me she's perfectly fine, and she still has everything she needs or I would have gotten a call from her. It's annoying because I go so far above and beyond what I have to do to make sure she's comfortable, well cared for, and has everything she desires. ARGH!!!
When her scheduled doctor's visit came around a couple of weeks ago, I called the office and begged for an appointment too as I had been laid low by a virus and respiratory infection that wouldn't quit, plus in the middle of that, I fell and twisted my leg so badly I couldn't walk for two days and was still in agony. Mind you, I drive her to MY doctor to make sure she gets the BEST care around when I could easily have let the AL doctor just see her in her room (or more specifically, not see her, just look at the chart and prescribe a bunch of meds she doesn't really need). She checked out perfectly on all accounts, while our doctor kept giving me concerned looks because I clearly looked and sounded like hell. My mother saw all this, knew I was sick and hurt.
I know we can't make people be who we want or need them to be. They are who they are. It's all been about her for the last 5+ years, and sometimes I feel like it's never enough, no matter how much I do. I don't expect much, believe me, but this particular situation got me going.
I've been feeling much better (though still in pain with my leg when I exert myself), have been busting butt playing catch-up with my own house and four dogs, and feeling guilty I haven't gone to see her or talked to her DESPITE CALLING AND CALLING HER, and so I'm ranting here. And BTW, if I go to see her (usually with one or more dogs in tow, who do therapy work with the other residents), and she's busy doing some activity, she ignores me and the dogs. The other residents stop whatever they are doing to greet and love on my dogs, while my mom ignores them. It's only if she's doing nothing and bored that she'll pay attention to us, but I can never be sure when she's "free" since she won't answer my phone calls.
God, this can be so frustrating!!!
She won't call you. My mom is the same way. Actually, I like not talking with my mom. We (99% of the time) only talk on the phone if it's necessary. And I mean, NECESSARY. And when I do call my parents house, if she answers, she always sounds out of breath and like I've interrupted something very important. ???
I'd spend more time communicating with the AL facility.
So in regards to your question: "Am I wrong to expect a little concern and consideration?"
You're not WRONG. Just don't expect it.
I am chuckling here. When I've been really ill, or had some sort of injury or minor surgery, my mom will make her obligatory daily phone call for a few days. And, believe me, it's obvious that the calls are obligatory. Sigh.
Sharon
Mom never calls any one. In her mind it is their duty to call her and report to her their illness, death, marriage, life situations, whatever. But what she really wants is them calling to talk to her about her. Mom does not have dementia.
My mother is and has always been selfish and narcissistic. I once didn't call her just to see if she would pick up the phone and call me. It took a month.
Mom has always been difficult. My brother gave her a calling card after I moved to Florida and my dad used it to call his brother in Virginia. But never called me. She has a free cell phone but won't use it. Her landlines are old and have some issues she will not have fixed. She makes zero effort to have a close relationship with me.
If I were you I wouldn't call for a while. Being in assisted living, I am sure she is being looked after and someone would contact you in case of an emergency. People like our mothers are not concerned about your feeling or needs, only their needs. And as they age it becomes more so.
Having a sick or injured child I would be calling YOU, not the other way around. But that would be normal behavior.
One time we had two hurricanes in two weeks. Knocked out everything. Was a terrible mess. I heard nothing from mom or dad. I figured my phones were down. Nope, they just didn't call or give a you know what.
I truly understand your frustration.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting about overdoing things to make people happy, to make people like me, to not feel guilty. It all comes from never getting the love and attention we all need from a relationship with a parent or spouse.
So look,at yourself and see what needs you have right now and take of them.
So, it could be that your mother is sitting there vaguely thinking "I'll call Stargazer." (! - no I know she doesn't call you that but you know what I mean) Nothing happens. "Oh I meant to call. I'll call her after lunch." Nothing happens. Etc., for the rest of time; and - importantly - even if the ALF staff prompt her she might well be deferring it - "I will when I've finished my coffee. I will after this my tv programme. I will, I will…" It's not so much she doesn't want to, as that she just doesn't get it together to DO it.
When my mother used to sit there looking mournful because my siblings hadn't been in touch - plus que ça change - I used to say (somewhat tartly, I admit): "if you wish to speak to them, call them. If you don't, don't." She usually didn't, and carried on looking mournful instead.
Yes, it would be nice, when one is recovering from illness or surgery, to think that one's ever-loving mother might pick up the phone and make solicitous enquiries. But if she's never been that type, you're kind of banging your head against a wall hoping she'll start now. Difference is that nowadays she might have some valid excuses for it.
Take a leaf out of her book! Call her, and demand sympathy and fuss! Wish you better, big hug.
I'd quit calling and just go visit on occasion with your dog(s) and not expect much from her. If you stop doing so much for her, she may be a tiny bit more appreciative when you do some things for her.
Your mom has dementia.
Your mom loves attention, and, apparently, a little drama in her life.
You don't need "justification" to have expectations of her, but I'm afraid they will mostly lead to frustration. Rant away here. Vent all you want. The chances of having an impact on Mom are pretty small. Sorry.
Do what you have to do to protect yourself from aggravation and frustration. It is OK to make some decisions based on what is easiest/best for you.
It seems like she thinks our lives should solely revolve on her needs , screw us in other words...a completely different person she is now
Also, I agree with what everyone else has said about it being "ok to expect, but you're just setting yourself up for MORE frustration."
I think that we're all at different stages and, therefore, different levels of frustration, awareness and even acceptance (maybe resignation?) in this season of our lives--whether we chose to be caregivers or it was thrust upon us (as in my case).
Talk about not caring? Narcissistic? When I lived out of state and was diagnosed w/cancer (at age 35), my parents had just gone thru a nasty divorce and my mother--who had never worked outside of the home--no longer had unlimited access to my Dad's checkbook. I came back "home" to have the initial surgery but, when it was time for radiation, semi-annual scans, multiple tests, lumpectomies and in-patient treatments for nearly 15 years, she never came. She never even called or knew when I was going thru any of this. Once, when we spoke on the phone, she said (which was actually her way of attempting to throw the responsibility back into my lap) "I don't have the money. Do you want me to call your Dad and ask him for the money to fly up there?"
No, I wanted her to WANT to come badly enough, like most normal mothers... but eventually had to face the fact that there was something wrong with HER. I even got to the point where I could see WHY she turned out this way; she was so wounded all of her life. But NOW, this is who is living with me and expecting me to take care of her.
She has sort of done this "about-face" when it comes to my health, because now, if I have even a nosebleed, she freaks out. I had cancer and wasn't cancer-free until 1-1/2 yrs ago, but we don't talk about that, but boy, if I have some Kleenex stuck up my nose, there's going to be some Mama Drama.
She had an MRI today b/c her FOUR dr's can't agree on whether or not she has dementia. I live with her 24/7. I can give them a list of things that prove it... but they want to keep doing tests. If her MRI comes back "clear" then I'm stuck with her--literally. She has burned every other bridge in her life, including my 3 siblings and 3 out of her 5 siblings. She has no friends, or if she makes new ones, they don't last long because there's so much wrong with THEM, of course.
So, Stargazer, all this to say... No one can tell you what to do. You have to decide: do you really want to waste ANY MORE time and energy on this? I choose my battles daily, sometimes hourly, because honestly(??)...my health is worse than hers and I'm sick of all the games. She's outta here as soon as I find a place.
P.S.: I'm so proud of myself b/c I asked her brother to take her to the MRI today. It was only a 2-hr break, but it was wonderful. I'll take what I can get.
{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS TO YOU ALL }}}}}}}}}}}}}} Be good to yourselves!