My mother in law moved in shortly after my husband did. He and her lived together after his divorce. We have his two teenage boys 50% of the time and my two kids 8 and 4 about 65% of the time. My house is a 4 bedroom home, 1 1/2 bath. I made sure she had a room of her own. She has health problems, 79 yrs old, stroke in 2004 leaving her with mobility issues, diabetes, smokes outside like a chimney, doesn't drive and is passive aggressive. She used to help out making dinner and buying groceries, I would take her to the store before but the 4hr trips to Walmart were too much. I tried to tell her I would drop her off and pick her up, but she wanted me to go with her. I work as a nurse and have 2 young kids, I don't have time to spend that long in a store. Did I mention my husband has 2 other siblings that don't even call her? I feel selfish at times fro feeling resentful towards her and my husband because She washee the dishes and helps with laundry and I can leave my kids at home when I work. She really doesn't watch them, just sits outside and smokes and drinks her coffee. She doesn't have to pay anything. We feed her dinner every night and serve it to her as well. I have always picked up her meds, took her to appointments and buy her cigarettes. I make sure she has everything she needs and my husband lets me. She is pretty much of sound mind. I feel she is ungrateful at times and mopes around the house because she doesn't have a vehicle. I would be afraid of getting that call where she fell getting in or out of her vehicle. She complains about the kids constantly. She has even come into my husband and my bedroom while we were laying there and proceeded to put clothes away. She sits on our love seat, a couch my husband and I bought for him and I, right next to my husband at night watching tv until 2am. I would have to sit on the other couch. I find myself hiding up in my room, to get any privacy. If we move her into an apartment (which he tried before and she said someone was breaking into it, that last 3 months). Then we would be left with finding a sitter while we work. I don't like feeling resentful, but I just can't help it and I knew he cared for her before I married him.
I gave my husband an ultimatum...our marriage or MIL. We have 21yrs married, 9yrs MIL lived with us. Within 4 days, he moved her to AL. We retired to move to her home, she is 93. She wanted to go home before her glory day. She became combative, rude, etc.
To date, she is happier than ever. Has a 103 yr boyfriend (love is at any age). Voted best dressed, loved by all. Hubby visits daily and we have our marriage back! She complains weekly of cost, but she has funds. She is 1min from home. Come to find out...we were enabling MIL, but we thought we were doing the best for us and her all those years. Children try to make the decisions, when all is said...we only prolong the inevitable.
My mom chose to be in a nursing home for 9yrs. I went to see her everyday.
Don't wait any longer. Speak up! Hugs.
When you entered the scene, you fell into the "giving trap" -- as most of us women do. And you raised the bar by experimenting with the 4-hour grocery excursions, driving her to hair appointments, "saving" her from MedVan and cooking fabulous meals.
As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Instead of responding with respect and seeking meaningful ways to contribute to your blended family, M-I-L responds with the Screw You/Queen Bee routine.
And at the end of the day she reclaims her role as your husband's proxy wife. Literally -- right by his side.
Your husband's attitude is the key to any meaningful change. If he's unwilling to rock the boat with mama, you will always be #2.
It's a shame your children are witnessing such an unhealthy dynamic. So far, their major takeaways are "mom runs herself ragged for 2 adults who disrespect her" and "users win."
And it's more than a shame that M-I-L is nasty to your children. A lot to think about here.
I find myself in a similar position in that my father-in-law has lived in our home with us for the last 13 years. My husband has always done his best to put me first however my father-in-law's advancing age and ours as well has made it most difficult to continue on in this situation. We are currently intendind to begin the process to sell our home this next spring, and to move his father into a senior living situation. We have done our best to make a comfortable life for him after his wife passed away, but after 13 years it is time for us now to have our senior and retirement life, and we have made that clear to my father-in-law who has come to accept our needs.
I hope you and your husband can figure out a situation soon, that will work well for all of the family. It does sound like it is time for her to move into a senior living type situation where she will be amongst others who are of simular age and interest. Your husband and you, will still need to advocate for her in her daily needs and medical needs. But this can be done if you move her into a place that is near enough to your home, but it is time for you to put you your children and your husband first. I absolutely understand that this is not easy but it is necessary. Your children are too young to be left with a woman that is not capable of managing them both emotionally and physically. The very first step I believe that you need to take care of, is after school care for your children. Because if they are not being looked after appropriately you could be in for trouble, and they are most definitely not getting all of their needs met. Your husband needs to be proactive in this situation and make it clear to his mother that he is now a married man a father and she needs to be in a place where she too and have her needs met. But that is not in your household.
As for the rest, I believe you know the right things to do. It looks like you are just fishing for someone to tell you it is OK to remain in your current circumstances.
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