How do we keep our relationship safe while my mother-in-law lives with us?

1RareFind: I know, right? I feel sorry for those children in a toxic home.

What a deplorable situation for everyone.
Seriously, i dont think even the grandma is happy!
Creative solution-- have her doctor tell her, she must quit smoking, get a volunteer job, walk 4 miles per day, and eat 50% green leafy vegetables on her dinner plate. Plus take all her meds.
If she cannot comply with Dr's orders, then she must move to a facility care-- where they do not allow smoking, and only have healthy food.
If you do not make a change to this deplorable situation, everything will stay the same, or get worse! And its sort of not your problem, nurse, as it is your husbands mom? So make it his challenge to get his mom on the right track-- no smoking, no moping, no interfering with you & your husband.
I am very worried for those assorted young ones who are forced to live in this extreme dysfunction. Is there any love, anywhere, in this house? I will pray all of you (and ask others to send prayers to you as well).

Hi Llamalover47, I strongly agree! Secondhand smoke really is bad for anyone, especially developing children but also the elderly. If people want to know only one example of why so many children die each year, this is only one example among multiple reasons why.

Also if there's strife in the home, this is another thing the children will pick up on because they'll most likely take the hardest hit. I don't really have a complete picture of the whole situation, but it does seem to me like the whole family is going through an adjustment of the living situation. Adjustment is required when people live together, and adjusting is harder for some people than for others. For instance, if you're more geared toward living alone or having your own space, you really don't want to bring someone else into the picture unless this stirs up stress for the person who's more geared toward having their own space. Apparently there is something more going on then we may know about if there's already at least one upset person in this picture. It's always a healthy thing to make rules and boundaries, and I took quite a bit of time to think of some very nice solutions so everyone wins and everyone stays happy. Anytime you have someone living with you, you always want to help them feel as much at home as possible. If you marry into a family where a potential spouse is caring for a family member, this can be hard on a potential new spouse coming into the picture if the person coming into the picture may not have had to take care of someone themselves. This can be especially hard. For instance, putting myself in the wife's shoes, if my potential husband is caring for his mom, it's probably not going to be easy for me if she's living with him before the wedding. It might not be quite as bad if there's a big enough home where everyone can retreat to their own personal spaces. It might also be better if there was help coming in to better part of the caregiving burden. I personally would never want a live-in taking an unreasonable amount of time away from intimate time with my husband, this would definitely cause strife in the home. I personally would be especially happy with a bedroom TV. That way, if I did have to retreat in such a situation as this, at least I would retreat to the bed and be more comfortable there than I would've been on the couch, because I personally would make sure at least my side of the bed is Tempur-pedic! They have dual side separable adjusting beds these days, but you can also have separate beds sitting side-by-side and each party can have their own mattress type for better comfort. As long as I could retreat to my Tempur-pedic, I personally would be very content if I did have to retreat to my room if I couldn't be on the couch by my husband in this type of situation. Putting myself in this type of situation, I figure if it was me having to retreat to my room, I'm going to be happy doing it if I'm actually looking forward to something specific in my retreat area because it's definitely going to be my bed, and I can watch whatever I want on the bedroom TV from bed! At least I would know where the remote is and I would have complete control over it should I have to retreat

I feel nothing but sadness for those children.

Even if people step outsude to smoke, they still stink! Their hair and clothing are like ashtrays!

JohnJoe: BIG SHOUT OUTS TO YOU!

Hi NYDaughterInLaw,

I'm a non-smoker but if you simply pass someone on the street who happens to be smoking, it can also get on your clothes and stay there for a considerable amount of time. I didn't realize this until age 23 when I lived at a temporary group home. The rule was not to smoke in the group home. The house parent thought I was smoking just because she smelled it on me, which happens to not be true at all because she had wrong ideas about it. Just because you smell it on someone doesn't always mean they've been smoking because secondhand smoke goes everywhere and clings to anything it can.

Careinhome I came here to ask for positive information, and pointing the finger at me and questioning child protection services? Fishing for approval? obviously you have not been in this type of situation. So why bother expressing your ignorant opinion.

1RareFind, I understand I will receive opinions I don't like, however I do believe I am free to respond with my own.

I appreciate all the comments, but Why is this all about smoking? She is 79, smoke 56 years and she smokes outside not in the house. Also, my husband and I have his kids 2 full weeks out of the month, my children live with us. She was prescribed Cymbalta at one point but never took it.

I can smell cigarette smoke on people who smoke chronically long after they put out the cigarette. It's on their clothes, in their hair, and their skin smells different. I don't sit next to a smoker if I can help it.

It is quite reasonable to expect smoking to be done outside. That's a very basic and very vital boundary for your sake and everyone else's. I'm allergic to cigarette smoke and had to enforce that when i moved in here. We don't smoke but his kids would come in after hunting and smoke like stacks till the whole house stunk and we couldnt breathe! That's a reasonable starting point for establishing boundaries and may make setting others easier in the long run.

As I had been so dreadfully sick of People calling to visit and automatically lighting up, when I had to say, " Oh I'm sorry but this is a NO smoking ZONE here as smoking is definitely not tolerated in Our home, but You can step out side to smoke if You so wish. The shocked faces say it all....therefore I put up signs stating THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING, AS ID PREFER TO DIE FROM NATURAL CAUSES. These signs really hit the spot.

1RareFind: I agree. The smoker has to want to quit. I am so sorry to hear that you lost someone due to smoking. But yes, it's very inconsiderate to be a chimney next to someone.
Gives me an instant migraine!

Thanks Llamalover47! I previously lost someone who was definitely a very heavy chain smoker, but we can't stop anyone from lighting up. However, we can stop them from smoking around our kids and other people who can't be around smoke. Anytime someone lights up it seems so many of them are very inconsiderate of others where as others are considerate. We may not be able to stop anyone from lighting up, but we can stop them from doing it around us and polluting our air, even if it means we must be the one to leave the area

Ahem...second-hand smoke can manifest itself into just as bad a CANCER as if you had smoked 5 packs per day!

That's hilarious! Good Christian advice, use Sex As A Weapon. I am laughing so hard I can barely type. Yeah, with a horrid old mother in his house smoking up a storm and sitting next to him like a girlfriend on a date, he'll want to turn to this poor poster with a world of horribleness and want to 'tap that' - I would think the poor woman has dried up like an Arizona desert and would pop him one in the chops!

I would caution everyone against using sex as a weapon.

It doesn't matter if she sat next to her son when he was single. Mothers who want their son's to be happy - like giving space for a marriage to succeed - do not behave this way.

Who are you to take her cigarettes away? Um....you're the owner of the home she lives in? You're the mother of the children she's poisoning with her secondhand smoke? Have you considered the mixed messages you're sending your kids? Nicotine is a drug and their grandma is an addict. You probably don't want your kids smoking. But she's a role model. And not just regarding cigarettes. She also kicks their mother out of her own love seat. Your children are watching and learning. Are these the lessons you want for them?

Your first responsibility is to your kids. You don't have a reliable sitter now for your kids. From your description of her health and attention to them, they are not properly supervised. They are in danger when they are alone with her, especially the 4 yr old. If you do not change that situation TODAY, Child Protective Services is perfectly entitled to come in, remove them from your home and put them in a safe environment and I hope they do.
As for the rest, I believe you know the right things to do. It looks like you are just fishing for someone to tell you it is OK to remain in your current circumstances.

I just thought of something and I wonder if she used to sit beside him in the old living situation before he was married? This is something to find out, this may be a question with multiple answers.

I also thought of how I would handle this if it was my husband and it was my needs not being met:

I would clam up and do some withholding in the bedroom to send a strong message, this is how I would handle it if I were you and in this type of situation. I don't know if you tried talking to him already, but if you haven't tried talking to your husband about the situation and what bothers you, you may want to carefully review the ideas on the form and maybe incorporate them into the conversation with your husband, because maybe he just needs to hear from you. Sometimes things happen and spouses may not know how much something upsets other family members, he may not even know you're upset! I would start by first reviewing the suggestions given here and take them very calmly to your husband at a time you can both talk alone. He may very well listen to you, I hope he does. If not, I would take it to the next level and do some withholding in the bedroom, but this is how I personally would take the next step if talking doesn't work. It won't be long before he starts wondering why, and this is exactly where you're going to have to speak up for your own needs by speaking up about what bothers you and that he didn't listen when you spoke with him before. If you decide to take to take this approach, don't back down or given until something changes in your favor, you'll definitely need to stand strong on this one even if you must seek out a good Christian counselor. I specify a Christian counselor because they know how things are really supposed to be and a Christian counselor will never steer you wrong. I had a different kind of incident years ago and I had a Christian counselor who was great! I would highly recommend a Christian counselor if you must go that route, especially if the living situation negatively affects the marriage

Hello there! I should respond by saying you ask us on the forum how to spare your marriage, and all of us are giving tips on different ideas. You came to us for help and we are trying to give you suggestions. I spent a lot of time on my reply and thought of lots of suggestions. You may not agree with all of the suggestions and that's OK. If you're going to come onto a forum and actually ask a question, you're definitely going to get some answers and you're definitely going to get some suggestions from different people.

I'm not saying you have to take anything away from her but you do have to do whatever is necessary to spare your relationships even if it means moving her into her own place to save everyone else's sanity if others are stressed at her staying there with you all. As God's word says, a man is to leave father and mother and cleave to his wife. If your husband insists on keeping her there, everyone is going to have to adjust, it's all part of living together. I don't know how big your home is, but you all might consider getting a bigger home so there's more space for everyone. More living space for everyone will definitely help through getting a bigger place because there will be more space for everyone to retreat for privacy when needed.

It's going to be EXTREMELY taxing on any marriage.

Who am I to take the only thing that makes her happy away at 79 years old?

Lassie - If this woman were half her age while she drives a wedge between her son and his wife would you feel sorry for her? Probably not. MIL does not come across as a sympathetic character. She smokes like a chimney while having diabetes. And HelloNurse buys her cigarettes. There are many things wrong with this picture.

And, too, I feel for the mother-in-law, some. She sounds miserable, like she has some personality disorder, no sense of purpose, no activities outside the house, and is depressed to boot. She may well be happy, or as happy as she can get, in assisted living or her own little apartment - though she won't have the fun of horning in between you and your husband any more, lol.

You need to have a talk with hubby. You need to explain to hubby that the way your MIL treats you in your home is unacceptable. Hubby needs to put his mother in her proper place, and that's not in any of the seats next to him. Those seats are for you and your children. None of MIL's issues sound like reason enough for her to have moved in with you. She needs to find a place of her own to live. Have you looked into shared housing for seniors? Many seniors have huge homes but empty nests, and are choosing to open their homes up to roommates.

Sounds most unpleasant and a HELLA lot of work for you all around. What does your husband think about all this, again? You two should find some assisted living place or senior apartment for his mother, this time stick with it. Have a caregiver stop by a couple days a week, buy her a med-alert pendant. There are some saintly Walton-like families who can do this kind of thing (I know a man who as a teenager was kicked out of his room because gamma was coming to stay till she expired - he had to literally sleep under the dining room table in a sleeping bag!), but if everything has fallen on your shoulders....no, just no.

You have my sympathies.

When my Nana move in with us to Seattle from Wales, UK, I was about 11, and my father told her in no uncertain terms, that my mother is number one his children are number 2 and she was a distant third, period! That set the tone for her to realize that she would have to find her place in our home in order for her to continue living there. It didn't work out for my mom in the long run, as my grandmother was incredibly stubborn and strong-willed. Eventually as her dementia set in, she ultimately ended up in a nursing home, sadly. But he never wavered from his original position, and always took the time to take my mother for drives on Sundays to not only put her first but - set the example.

I find myself in a similar position in that my father-in-law has lived in our home with us for the last 13 years. My husband has always done his best to put me first however my father-in-law's advancing age and ours as well has made it most difficult to continue on in this situation. We are currently intendind to begin the process to sell our home this next spring, and to move his father into a senior living situation. We have done our best to make a comfortable life for him after his wife passed away, but after 13 years it is time for us now to have our senior and retirement life, and we have made that clear to my father-in-law who has come to accept our needs.

I hope you and your husband can figure out a situation soon, that will work well for all of the family. It does sound like it is time for her to move into a senior living type situation where she will be amongst others who are of simular age and interest. Your husband and you, will still need to advocate for her in her daily needs and medical needs. But this can be done if you move her into a place that is near enough to your home, but it is time for you to put you your children and your husband first. I absolutely understand that this is not easy but it is necessary. Your children are too young to be left with a woman that is not capable of managing them both emotionally and physically. The very first step I believe that you need to take care of, is after school care for your children. Because if they are not being looked after appropriately you could be in for trouble, and they are most definitely not getting all of their needs met. Your husband needs to be proactive in this situation and make it clear to his mother that he is now a married man a father and she needs to be in a place where she too and have her needs met. But that is not in your household.

Hello nurse, I really feel for you in this nightmare situation. Labs4me has written word for word what is on my mind. This is YOUR house!! A pushy mother-in-law can put such a strain on the best of marriages. A blended family is challenging enough and I can hardly see how you have enough room for 4 growing kids in your home, whether they are there 100% of the time or not. I really care about you and your kids.