My mother in law moved in shortly after my husband did. He and her lived together after his divorce. We have his two teenage boys 50% of the time and my two kids 8 and 4 about 65% of the time. My house is a 4 bedroom home, 1 1/2 bath. I made sure she had a room of her own. She has health problems, 79 yrs old, stroke in 2004 leaving her with mobility issues, diabetes, smokes outside like a chimney, doesn't drive and is passive aggressive. She used to help out making dinner and buying groceries, I would take her to the store before but the 4hr trips to Walmart were too much. I tried to tell her I would drop her off and pick her up, but she wanted me to go with her. I work as a nurse and have 2 young kids, I don't have time to spend that long in a store. Did I mention my husband has 2 other siblings that don't even call her? I feel selfish at times fro feeling resentful towards her and my husband because She washee the dishes and helps with laundry and I can leave my kids at home when I work. She really doesn't watch them, just sits outside and smokes and drinks her coffee. She doesn't have to pay anything. We feed her dinner every night and serve it to her as well. I have always picked up her meds, took her to appointments and buy her cigarettes. I make sure she has everything she needs and my husband lets me. She is pretty much of sound mind. I feel she is ungrateful at times and mopes around the house because she doesn't have a vehicle. I would be afraid of getting that call where she fell getting in or out of her vehicle. She complains about the kids constantly. She has even come into my husband and my bedroom while we were laying there and proceeded to put clothes away. She sits on our love seat, a couch my husband and I bought for him and I, right next to my husband at night watching tv until 2am. I would have to sit on the other couch. I find myself hiding up in my room, to get any privacy. If we move her into an apartment (which he tried before and she said someone was breaking into it, that last 3 months). Then we would be left with finding a sitter while we work. I don't like feeling resentful, but I just can't help it and I knew he cared for her before I married him.
I gave my husband an ultimatum...our marriage or MIL. We have 21yrs married, 9yrs MIL lived with us. Within 4 days, he moved her to AL. We retired to move to her home, she is 93. She wanted to go home before her glory day. She became combative, rude, etc.
To date, she is happier than ever. Has a 103 yr boyfriend (love is at any age). Voted best dressed, loved by all. Hubby visits daily and we have our marriage back! She complains weekly of cost, but she has funds. She is 1min from home. Come to find out...we were enabling MIL, but we thought we were doing the best for us and her all those years. Children try to make the decisions, when all is said...we only prolong the inevitable.
My mom chose to be in a nursing home for 9yrs. I went to see her everyday.
Don't wait any longer. Speak up! Hugs.
go out to movie and motel. leave ML home w cold turkey in friddge sandwich.
Give contact info to overnight pajama sponsor. G MIL their ph number for emerg. Explain to MIL you and you husband need quality.time together. are going on mini vacation giving hyou husband and her break from CAREGIVING and Obtaing much needed spousal comanionship quality time with MY husband.
You are the beta herd mare, and you need To be ALPHA.
If you husbandis not encouraging her . If he feels as you When she sits down ignoring and assuming your place at husbsnds side. Husband needs to get some gonads and get up and sit beside you I. well your left with being the sister beta wife
MIL would go into an independent apt. or AL for 18-24 months and then get very sick, or we would be asked to move her as she was using the panic alarm for non-panic situations. She would live with us, get healthy, get bored, etc. One year my hubby was off for a week and said he would take care of his mom. The first morning he told me to stay in bed and he would fix her breakfast. I started to tell him to make her just a half portion of cream of wheat and . . . he stopped me and said not to worry. 10 minutes later i hear them screaming at each other because he gave her a full individual serving and she didn't want that much and a few other things. By the 3rd. day he was apologizing to me in tears because he had not realized how difficult things had become.
This is to say that your hubby needs to step up and take control. It is his mom and you 2 have been married just a short time. As Churchmouse says, get some routines and rules set up. When your children get home their grandmother should feed them a snack and have the 8 year old sit down to homework. Does she fix her own meals during the day? Does she keep up her own room. At a minimum she should be able to make her bed and do her laundry and talk with the grand kids.
Ask around for counselors who have experience in these types of situations and get some help. Go my yourself first, then add in hubby. Maybe an outsider can see things you cannot see and suggest pathways.
I am an 85yo Care Giver for 15-30 years, wife and son at
home, and by mail, telephone and $$$ and aunt and a cousin …..
Care Giving is a Tough Job, and you are doing so
much more for an ungrateful person who has such
a Lock on your husband, that your own health is
at Serious Risk !!!
My Opinion, she has to move Now !!!
God Bless All the Care Givers, for me = the Doctors,
Nurses, Lab Workers, Kitchen and Hospital Staff,
and the workers who came in daily and cleaned up
the floor and emptied out the trash from my room,
after three surgeries, four trips to the local ER, with
three-three day stays, once in ICU ... Bullion soup
and jello = UGH !!!
If your loved one doesn't help watch the kids, is it possible that maybe she's burnt out from being a mother or even a nanny? You mentioned her being a mother-in-law so obviously she raised kids. She may actually be burned out on caring for kids, this can happen. Have you thought of a rewards system for her if she helps at least a little? This may give her something to look forward to as long as she's actually able to help out because she may not be able if she has mobility issues. I would evaluate her with the help of a doctor and see where her limits are through thorough screening and go from there.
You mentioned she doesn't pay anything to stay there, I personally would would charge rent. You also mentioned she's ungrateful, I would stop doing for her what you're already doing and you shouldn't have to buy her smokes out of your own pocket if you already do this. If this is the case, make her buy her own smokes and save your own money for you and your own family, thank of your children and remember every dime you spend on her is taking away from those kids. Thank of your kids before continuing someone else's bad habit. You can stop buying her smokes and make her buy her own if she wants them that bad.
Anytime you live with someone, it comes with many adjustments, and it sounds to me like everyone has some adjusting to do. You don't just take someone in and expect there to not be adjustments, not being willing to adjust to one another is what's going to hurt the relationships throughout the home. One of those adjustments is possibly locking your bedroom door if you don't want your problem love the one walking in on you. What you can do is leave a nice big laundry basket outside your bedroom and have the problem left one put any clothes in that basket that goes in your room. That way, you all can put away those clothes at your convenience.
No vehicle
You mentioned she has no vehicle, and not all vehicles are created equal. If she's still able to drive, get her a vehicle she can safely get in and out of without the threat of falling, but make sure she carries a cane. Another thing you can get her is a handicap placard and even a set of handicap plates so she doesn't have far to walk. Another thought would be if you guys have such a thing as the shopper shuttle through public transport. You can put her on the shopper shuttle on days when the shopper shuttle is offered. What you can do is get her a mobility scooter with a big floorboard. On that floor board, you can have a special shopping box built around her and the scooter. She can take her scooter on public transit to go shopping and spend what time she wants until she calls to have the shopper shuttle pick her up and take her home. This would be convenient on days you could send her shopping and you don't have to be with her if four hours in the store is too much. It's obviously not too much for her, which is why I suggested getting her a safe handicapped friendly vehicle or sending her on the shopper shuttle when your town offers it on let's say weekends. That would get her out of the house on certain days during certain times. This would help get her out of your hair some of the time. You can give her a certain amount of money on her debit card for those days. When using the shopper shuttle though, find out where that transportation goes because they have certain stop points on those days.
Special tip
If her insurance won't cover a mobility scooter, you can actually buy a used one from a private owner or even buy a new one online (but get one from her money).
As for the seating issue, is it possible that she also likes that little loveseat? It may not even be her intent to interfere with any relationships, many people out here in the world know what it's like to be attracted to a comfortable looking seat and take to it with no harmful intent. Maybe there's a time in the day when neither of you will be using the love seat and you can let her use it for a while but as long as it will be free during a certain time span. I'm sure you're not always on this thing 24/7, and if you get her a guesthouse or must put her in some other living arrangements, maybe you might consider finding her another a little loveseat similar to yours or maybe another one just like it if you find out it's the actual piece she likes. People can take to certain types of seating with no harmful intent, this is normal if that's all it is. These days with all of the modern couches and stuff on the market, you're more likely to find irresistible stuff that's hard to pass up, and it could be anything that draws her attention but when she sits down, she likes the comfort of the seat. She may not last much longer with heavy smoking, you may want to try and make her as comfortable as absolutely possible if you intend on taking care of her because this may be all the comfort she'll ever know again for all we know. Definitely try to make her as comfortable as possible especially if you know she won't live much longer. If her bedroom is big enough to be something like a small apartment like you see in some magazine pictures, you may actually put some kind of seat that she likes in her bedroom as part of the bedroom set up. Some magazine pictures you see in pages like romantic homes and such includes a bed, dresser, very nice seating around the room, and some of those bedrooms can actually be like a complete suite because some of them are very elaborate. I don't know what kind of set up you have around there, but sometimes having a very big mansion is very suitable for everyone to have personal space. Even some homes that are not mansions give plenty of room for everyone to be happy. I think this would be a wonderful thing if you intend on taking someone into your home. Taking someone into a small and already crowded home is going to cause tension sometime, and this is something I definitely wouldn't recommend. This is why I mentioned having a big home where everyone can have privacy and personal space.
If by chance you can help it, I would try to avoid taking in a heavy smoker or anyone who smokes at all because it's not good for your lungs. I recently lost someone to very heavy smoking, heavy smoking around non-smokers for starters is very dangerous to the health of others. In fact, there are now companies out there trying to help people quit. In fact, our local CVS quit selling tobacco and other related products a while back. They want to offer a more healthy environment, and I don't blame them. Secondhand smoke is already pretty dangerous, imagine what it does to a smoker's lungs, especially when they're a heavy smoker! There are more susceptible to bronchitis and other upper respiratory infections, and they also threatened the health and life of others through secondhand smoke. That's not right. What I would do is have a no smoking rule in the house for starters. I would make her take it outside but far enough away from the house and keep everyone else safe and breathing clean fresh air, clean air is everyone's right. You also mention being a nurse. Did you ever think of the possibility of promoting clean air? Part of your job is helping make people well and giving them tips on how to stay well, and this would be a good project for you to help your loved one who's living with you. I think that if you haven't done so already, you might learn as much as you can about respiratory and what smoking does to the lungs.
You can set rules for your home, and have certain consequences if those rules are broken.
No smoking
Where I personally would start is with the smoking in your home because people you help actually need you to be healthy, they need you first and foremost.
Household seating
If your love one really likes that loveseat that much, you may very well set a time where it's open to her to enjoy as long as it's not in use. During the times it will be needed, it would be off-limits to her during times you and your husband would like to use it. Any other time outside of that, let her use it if she likes it that much. After all, she's living with you and there will probably be other things she will discover and like very much! Sometimes even having a visitor, you never know when something you have will draw their attention, this is normal as long as it's a harmless thing.
Does she have another favorite seat that she really
I have found that there is little I can do to change the outward circumstances so i just have to work on my own end of things. I have set some specific boundaries -- when she feels good MIL likes to clean so she may clean in her bedroom or the living room but not in our bedroom or our office rooms (she snoops and pries) or my kitchen (where she creates chaos). My husband is goid to reinforce the boundaries .
I just take responsibility for running the household as if she wasnr there so I avoid expectations that lead to disappointment and resentment. I do not leave her in charge of children. I try to honestly consider her as another child in the house in that I'm responsible for her well being and also in the sense of detaching from her manipulation and passive aggressive behavior. I try not to mix it up with her on her level but use the same techniques I use dealing with teaching juvenile delinquents: clear, unequivocal statements and no back and forth. At this point she is who she is and im not changing her but im not taking her crap to heart either -- detachment. My husband and i have set aside Sundays as times for us to go and do things together -- go for drives, go out to eat, go wildlife watching, so we can talk and be together.
The way I see it, it is her right and our responsibility that we care for her but to me it is a JOB. I treat it as a job. In sure you have difficult and unpleasant patients as a nurse and you have techniques for handling them. They apply. Taking care of yourself is your responsibility -- making space for yourself. For me this is about attending Mass frequently, keeping my own friends and my own interests alive. I personally hate television but hubby and MIL want to watch it in the evening so I busy myself with needlework, reading, and things I enjoy and that feed my heart in another room. And above all I keep in mind the commitment I made in marrying and the fact that this situation is not forever but the marriage is.
If you don't want this to be your life for the next several years- I would look into other options. How are her finances - can she afford assisted living? Call you local ageing office - they should have a booklet on senior housing options.
Your MIL was partially disabled by a stroke at the comparatively young age of 67. Was she living alone then? How did she manage? Is she widowed or divorced? I'm wondering how used she is to living alone, and whether or not it ever really suited her. What used she to do to occupy herself? What does/did she do for a social life?
Your husband divorced when? And had been living with his mother for how long? And was he able to have his children to stay in that apartment? What's their take on the situation, come to think of it?
You have a four year old and an eight year old, and a full time professional job. So how were you managing before you met and married your now husband, and how long ago was that?
Step families are even more complicated than standard nuclear families, I suppose is what I'm mulling over; and it sounds, though please correct me, as though you haven't had all that long together for things to shake down into routines and ground rules that suit everyone (heaven knows pleasing everyone all the time is a bit of pipe dream at the best of times!). Would you agree?
When you entered the scene, you fell into the "giving trap" -- as most of us women do. And you raised the bar by experimenting with the 4-hour grocery excursions, driving her to hair appointments, "saving" her from MedVan and cooking fabulous meals.
As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. Instead of responding with respect and seeking meaningful ways to contribute to your blended family, M-I-L responds with the Screw You/Queen Bee routine.
And at the end of the day she reclaims her role as your husband's proxy wife. Literally -- right by his side.
Your husband's attitude is the key to any meaningful change. If he's unwilling to rock the boat with mama, you will always be #2.
It's a shame your children are witnessing such an unhealthy dynamic. So far, their major takeaways are "mom runs herself ragged for 2 adults who disrespect her" and "users win."
And it's more than a shame that M-I-L is nasty to your children. A lot to think about here.
With her health problems and her continuing to smoke, perhaps she won't last long...
You need to bring her into the family and make her feel needed. Doing something other then babysitting a 4 and 8 year old... I wouldn't want to do that as babysitting is very exhausting for someone her age. No wonder she doesn't want to help afterwards.
Does Mom-in-law like to cook, ask her to prepare her favorite meal and make it a weekly event with everyone praising her. Ask her for suggestions on laundry and cleaning, maybe then she would help, or maybe not. It's hard getting older, you no longer have your own home, your mobility is difficult, you can't drive, you have no friends your own age, if she is a widow that can be hard as that isn't how she and her husband had planned for their retirement.
In fact, depending on Mom-in-law energy level, she could do volunteer work at your hospital if you work days. At the hospital where I do volunteer work my parents did volunteer work up into their late 80's and early 90's. It is very rewarding :)