How do you know when its time to step back from being a caregiver?

Choose now, either your mother or your husband because you can only make one of them happy. If inheritance is more important than your husband, he should depart now with good reason. If a relative threatened to cut me out of the Will if I don't cater to her whims, I would be out that door faster than a cannon ball. Only YOU can stop the cycle of her abuse by choosing your mate and not her purse.

You have a right to your own life. Does mom need 24/7 care or can she stay alone safely?

Is her depression being treated?

It sounds as though she has made HER choices, and now you have to make yours. To live your life, or hers.

NOW would be a good time to tell her you've done all you can, move in with your new husband full time, and make your own life.

My widowed dad pulled out the "but I don't want to spend your and your brother's inheritance on care for me" card every time I brought up the subject of moving him to AL. Most of the time I quietly said "that's your money, for your care" or "you always said you were saving for a rainy day, well look around you, 'cause it's pouring." Once when he was being particularly nasty I just snapped and told him very loudly that a plan in which I bear 100% of the burden in order to preserve an inheritance that goes 50% to my do-nothing brother was absolutely unacceptable to me.

My SO and I moved dad to a very nice AL last Friday, and we're greatly enjoying having our home and our lives back to ourselves. It was the hardest and also the best decision in a very long while.

You are not the least bit wrong. Your MOM is wrong. And, your being willing to sacrifice your marriage by living away form your husband is enabling her to stay depressed and helpless to boot. If she responds badly to your talking about going on with your life, you are probably trying too hard to spare her feelings. The message need to me more like, "Mom - I CAN'T, Mom, I WON'T be taking full time care of you and deserting my husband and if you are not going to get any better, we have to make other arrangements. You can try rehab again Mom, and maybe an antidepressant, but if you can't take care of yourself we have to get you somewhere where they can. I can visit, I can look in on you, but I can't keep making your care in your home, not mine, my full time job."

If you missed the opportunity to say you have done all you can, and step back, do that now. Blame it on your husband, he won't mind if Mil hates him?

Yesterday, I stepped back. Today, out of a team of 5 caregivers, I was the only one with the idea that if someone calls for help to five different people, doesn't answer your return phone calls; doesn't answer the door; then a real problem exists. Grrrrrrr!!!! Too many cooks in that kitchen.

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to stand up to your mother. She can hire another carer or she can go to care center, but she cannot count on you to take care of her. Visit her? Do nice things for her occasionally? Certainly. Give up living with your husband fulltime? Absolutely not.

The vast majority of middle class people die broke, and leave nothing or very little to their children. We are living much longer now, and the medical costs to keep us comfortable are out of the roof. So if she brings that one up again, hug her, and agree. "Isn't it sad, mother, that all your plans to leave something when you die may not work out? That is happening to lots of elders these days. I really don't expect an inheritance and won't blame you if that's the way it works out."

You are allowing your mother to blackmail you. Is that what you really want for yourself? For your husband?

Look at your marriage vows.

Most traditional vows ask this question first of the groom and then of the bride.

"And now, solemnly promising before God and in the presence of these witnesses, wilt you [speaking the full namel have this ____ [speaking full namel, to be your wedded wife or husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the sacred estate of matrimony? Will you love ___, comfort __, honor __, cherish __, in sickness and in health, in prosperity or in adversity; and, forsaking all other, keep yourself only unto him or her so long as ye both shall live? Do you so declare?

Notice the the key word that asks "Will."

It's not a maybe or if I feel like it or if it fits with other things in my life at the moment. It's a "I Will" covenant! That is a very serious commitment!

An emotional part of forsaking all others keeping yourself only for each other for as long as you both shall live means their is to be an intimacy of heart and mind as well as body that takes preeminence above all other relationships in your lives which includes your parents.

Your are married now and have made some very serious promises. Here's one of those situations where the rubber of the promise hits the road. Your mom may wish you were still her little girl, but you are a grown woman who has done a grown up thing called marriage.

Her wanting you to still be a little girl and emotionally blackmailing you like a slave is her problem and she is not going to change. The only person who can change is you.

Love and honor the one you have promised to live with for the rest of your life and have a life with apart from mom!

Honoring her does not mean that you put honoring your marriage or honoring taking care of your self last.

If you choose to put honoring your mother before your marriage and yourself, then the intimacy of your marriage will decline and the relationship will die for your husband will come to feel that you are not fully married to him but divided between two people and he will be right. You don't want that to happen.

Remember, you are married to your husband and no one else!!!

Look up the articles her about emotional blackmail, get counseling if you need it personally and or as a couple and get yourself free from this emotional dance that you are in that will never end unless you stop dancing with mom and dance with your husband.

Choose today which way you want to go!

Today is either the day in which you take a step toward emotional freedom or a step backward into emotional slavery.

Frankly, there is only room for two people in a marriage, but not three even when that third person is your mom living inside of your head. While we know that is true physically we somehow sometimes miss that is true emotionally as well.

This is serious and probably the most serious statement that I've ever written about marriage and not having third parties involved in people's heads.

I sincerely hope that you will make the right choice for you and your husband. I'm not saying this is going to be easy for your mom is not going to like this one bit and will try to hoover you back in with likely more fear, obligation and guilt that she's ever unleashed before. But you and your husband together as a team are just going to have to stand your ground in your commitment to each other, dam the torpedoes of your mom's F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) as well as take no prisoners in the pursuit of keeping your marriage in tack for frankly it is under attack.

Much love, many prayers and big hugs!

Do something nice for you today and do something fun with your husband today as well!!!

I would say "mom, I can't do this anymore". I would offer to help her make other arrangements, but I would give her two week's notice that i was returning to my own life. Listen to the wise posts above.

You mum is frightened of being alone and the only way SHE can see out of that is to keep you close to hand. Hence the guilt trip she is placing on you.

You however are the problem here not your Mum. I am not being cruel or nasty at all because I have been there done that too and I know many others on this site have been too.

We ALLOW the guilt to infiltrate our lives and then do things we really don't want to do in order to have a quiet life.

Of course, as you have subsequently found out your life isn't quiet - it is uber stressful and I can understand you wanting to live your own life - that is perfectly right and normal.

Now all you have to do is face your mother stand up to her comments and NOT TAKE THEM ON BOARD. As others have so rightly said before me - your money is for you, her money is for her ...we simply cannot expect an inheritance - well we can but we are not being rational here! If you can't face it alone I am sure there are professionals who will help the transition - it is going to be a bumpy ride though so forewarned is forearmed

That being the case just tell her she has a choice A) living alone here which she cannot do or B) Assisted living or a care facility because she will be among people her own age and they can share memories of past eras.

Don't take her arguments on board. Just repeatedly say this is not a discussion about options it is a choice you have to make a or b

Don't argue with her or this will turn unpleasant.

Just say we agreed to me coming to support you for a year and now that time is up Mum...you have two choices, you either A) stay here alone and pay for people to come in or B) to go into care and enjoy your life among others the same age. - yes of course we will visit you once or twice a week but I need to have my own life now with hubby. Which do you want to do a or b?

When she starts with the guilt trip - and we all know she will - repeat the previous lines ..start with this is not a discussion it is a choice you have to make a or b?

Then she will bang on about the inheritance....because the wriggling will have started. Your reply? And thats what that money is for Mum your well being, so which is it to be a or b?

Then she will say you don't care

Yes I do thats why we are making the decision together - if I didn't care I would just walk away so which option do you want to go for a or b?

Then she will become childlike and say neither I want you here - whine whine....Well that wasn't one of the options Mum I am going to live my life with hubby so you have to make a choice a or b?

Dont waiver stay on the A or B choices and don't let her tilt you off kilter. Stay focused.

Your final option if things turn very ugly is to inform Adult Protective Services or whatever they call them in your area that you intend to leave the house on .... and give a date .... and that she is vulnerable frail and cannot live alone. She will not make decisions but you have a life to lead and you intend to lead it - explain that you have put your life on hold for a year and that you cannot and will not do it any more because it is not working FOR YOU. Then on that date go and enjoy your life dear lady. Feel no guilt - many would not have done a year. Meanwhile she needs to see a doc to get some antidepressants.

Thank you to all who have replied and for your input, advice and concern.. I need to clarify something I wrote however.. I was extremely tired while writing and I need to clarify that I do this from my heart and not because of any inheritance she threatens me with.. I am not depending on it nor do I need it so I apologize for that . I was trying to write she tries to make me feel guilty and tell me there will be no inheritance for my brother or my nieces if i leave her and she has to pay someone.. So, it's a struggle of guilt for me but it's not fair to my family and at some point I have to do what's right for me too..

Hummngbrd, depending on your own age and health, one of the best advice I got on this forum was when someone wrote to me saying "tell your parents you are too old".... she was right, a senior citizen should not be caring for older senior citizens.

In the pas 6 years I have aged to a point where I can't even recognize my previous self. It's been one medical issue after another due to the stress. My Dad will mention inheritance to me, and I rather him and Mom [they are in their mid-90's and doing fine for their age] use THEIR money to make THEIR life easier for THEM. Like hire people to do the yard work, cleaning, etc. Dad finally had a light-bulb moment the other day saying he will need to hire people.... you think???

Please know that wanting your own life is not selfish. Your mom's money is for her old age, well guess what that time is here to spend it. Your siblings or anyone for that matter should not expect anything when she passes. If we inherit when our folks pass it is a gift not a right. Don't worry about that. She should not presume upon you so she can leave money to others. That is just selfish. Dont let her do that to you.

Three years ago there was barely a grey hair in my head - three years of care and now I am completely grey and only a bottle of something changes that colour I am afraid - caregiving does age you - dramatically

Thank all of you that have responded.. I truly take the advice to heart.. I've been so absorbed and tired and frustrated that I have not been able to look at my situation in the right perspective and reading it explained from others has really opened my eyes. cmagnum you really hit the nail.. We were together for fours years before getting married and have been supported the entire time. However, I realize my commitment to my marriage now is above all else.. And it's time for me to step back and take care of me and my family.. I will be around to help and check on her but you comment has given me the strength to do what I want and need to do

Yes, forsaking all others, cleave only unto him.

I don't know your mother's age (you didn't mention it) and say, for example, she is in her 60's or 70's--inactivity *IS DEADLY* in itself, and if she has the ability to walk, but refuses because you are around to do it all for her--this is more of an enabling situation and is doing more harm to your mom. Well, if she can't stand up and walk like you said, she's going to have to go to a nursing home since she can't fend for herself. If this is by CHOICE, it is next to being suicidal because all that inactivity is going to cause OTHER problems--and it may have given her her stroke in the first place. She can also get pneumonia. Eventually you will be changing her diapers, if you are not doing that already as she will get *progressively weaker*. You can get her in the hospital due to failure to thrive; even psychiatric floor if nothing is wrong with her physically. From there they can work on nursing home placement. If she refuses, you can also tell them YOU are UNABLE to care for her. Of course all her assets will be liquidated and go to the nursing home but you do have a husband to consider and your own life. Remember the longer she stays inactive the WEAKER she will get.

I'm taking care of my mother who is in her late 80's. She has Alzehimer's but at least she is willing to work with me. I take her to the park every day and we walk -- she uses a walker. At first she refused, but I told her if she doesn't walk she is going to become bed bound and *I* will be forced to change her diapers and clean her s**t. She immediate got her shoes on. Despite her A.D. she never forgot what I said, and everyday we walk. I told her walking is the same as taking a medication--it's MANDATORY. No choice. She does walk. I'm fortunate I can still keep a job and only work once a week, and my best friend watches her while I"m at work. But my mom does try to help me by doing her daily exercise. The moment they can't walk, that's when the diapers come in. She was also getting too fat, so I give her smaller portions and although it took many months she eventually lost ten pounds and is better and I even had to get her insulin cut down because of the weight loss. Daily walks also helps her mentation--her mind has improved. I mean she still has Alzheimer's Disease, but it's better. Now if my mom were not willing to work with me, refuses to walk, I would have to put her in a nursing home. I also told her that. So she tries..I love my mom and she's the most precious thing in the world to me. Everyday I thank God I still have her. And I also thank God she is willing to work with me.

NOW! There comes a time when you have to put your needs first! Your Mom is capable of doing some things for herself or at least being agreeable to those trying to help her. I would sit down and tell her that you have given her all that you are physically capable of giving her as far as her care goes. Let her know that you love her and will continue to be a part of the caregiving circle by loving her and by making sure that she is being given the best of care. Don't let the conversation be about money, this is her way of getting to you and controlling you. If she goes there explain to her that it's not about the money, but rather about her physical care and your physical health. PERIOD. She won't like it, but she will come to an understanding. Assisted living might be the best next step for her. If you can set up a visit to a facility where there are activities going on that she could see it might change her mind. If not, adult Sr. Centers in your area might have day programs that she could attend and make friends. It did wonders for my family member. The VA even paid for it 4 days per week. He can no longer go as he is in the final stages of alzheimers, but it was our saving grace for 2 years.

Your mom is already paying for in-home care for when you're not there? That's great! She may not be as stubborn with them if you resign as caregiver. You didn't mention children, so I'm assuming you don't have any yet. Do you want any? If you keep this up, depending on your age - you may not ever have them. One of the challenges with the Care Giving role is that we don't know the duration. We all know where it ends, but as you mentioned, none of us knows how long services will be required: 2 mos., 2 yrs., 5 yrs, 10? "Temporary" can be a very looong temporary. You've already slid into the unknown. You need to be a wife now and start a family of your own before it's too late. Tell mom you'll be around to make sure she's properly taken care of by someone else and pop in for a visits. You're already starting to resent her; it will only get worse. And my guess is that even when you're not with your mother she is the topic of conversations with your husband. Just how long are you expecting him to put up with this situation before he starts getting lonely for some companionship?

How has your husband put up with that this long? What an angel he is. You better choose him over mom right now, or you'll lose him. Ask your mother if that is what she wants? For you to lose your husband... and if she doesn't care... it's proof that it's high time she find OTHER help because she has become narcissistic. So much good advice here... I hope you let us know what you have decided and how it's going. We need to hear success stories! ;-)

You said that you have never been her favorite - where are the other siblings and why are they either not helping out or helping with a solution?

I understand what all of you have said But how do we not have guilt
My husband has dementia and 2 days ago went into a rehab as he was in the hospital for a month and needed to get his strength back but how do you deal when a loved one pleads with you to take them home which I cannot do and it breaks my heart

I had to go through something much like this with an elderly friend of mine who did something very similar to me. My friend wanted me to stay with him most of the time when his caregivers were gone and he knew I was the only other available person to be able to sit with him. Over a period of time I started noticing that it was actually taking away from my own personal life. I eventually started being able to see the future of where I was, but to a point. I started noticing some inconsistencies and I eventually started noticing a behavioral pattern. I started noticing that the more I was away, the more often he started calling the squad and going to the ER. I think this may have been an effort to try to get my attention so that I would give him his way. The longer I was away from him in the end, the more he started calling the squad sometimes even twice daily. I started pulling away from him when things were working out in such a way that my efforts to improve his life were actually being countered in some way or another, which is what led me to a very tough decision of just stepping back and moving on. Sometimes you just have to take but first step out the door and just go. You know in your heart when moving on is the only option. You know when it's time when your efforts are not appreciated. There comes a time when you know what you know, and what you know will help you to make very tough decisions despite the consequences. When you know you must move on and that your time with that person is done, you'll also know that the only option left is actually the best one. Sometimes we may stay around in an effort to avoid the inevitable, but in the end the thing to do tends to be the only thing left in the end, which is often the hardest.

Whatever decision you make, you must be at peace with yourself and know that you made the decision for the right reasons. I had to know that I couldn't care for my mother any longer, that I had hit bottom emotionally and that I was depleted and had hit a wall before I could make the decision to place my mother in an assisted living facility. My own health was suffering. I had peace of mind, because I knew I had done the best I could. No one else knows your best, but you. You will know when you are at that point ... no one else. I calmly spoke to my mother about looking for places, so that she would not be surprised and would have time to adjust ... no sudden moves.

I am older myself (68 yrs.) and told her that my health was being effected. I had planned to keep her with me until she died, but she was miserable and demanding most of the time. I was up through the night, and I kept listening in case she fell. She must have fallen about 35-40 times during her 3 yr. stay with me (after having a stroke that took her balance). I love her very much, but I was an emotional mess. I also realized that I was grieving the loss of my mother as I knew her.

I searched for a facility very near to me. I visited many places, and I finally found one 3 1/2 miles away. I also looked for a place with the best care and standard of living that she could afford. I was very lucky on all fronts. She has been living there for 4 months now. She is not happy, but she isn't happy with this stage of her life. She wasn't happy living with me either. She is in a small residential facility (50 or so people). Every person on staff knows her and is aware of how her day went. They communicate between shifts and with me very well. The philosophy of the home is based in the Mennonite Tradition, and I cannot praise them enough. They are mission driven and do their utmost to empower the residents living there. I feel as if there is a "village" around her and that she is in good hands. I see her 2-3 times/week, and she calls me in between, if she needs something. I told her I was still taking care of her, but in a different way now.

I have great compassion for the difficult time of life she is experiencing, but through the rocky transition, I had to be at peace with the knowledge that I couldn't keep her with me any longer and that I needed help. So, that's an "inside job" for you. When you reach that point, you won't be trying to weigh so many factors trying to decide ... you will just know ... and having that knowledge experientially will carry you through the ups and downs going forward.

Hummngbrd15: You CANNOT be stretched at both ends! You will experience caregiving burnout!

Have you spoken to her doctor about her problems? She may need care for her depression and she may be at the stage where she is unable to make decisions for herself. My mother-in-law was becoming very difficult; when I talked to her doctor, he said that is she didn't do as my husband requested, he'd declare her incompetent and put her in a nursing home. A good geriatric physician will help you put the brakes on.

My mother-in-law eventually went in a nursing home; I was prepared to have her come live with us and get some help to take care of her, but my husband decided he'd prefer to put her in a nursing home and go by and see her on his way home from work every day. If you and your husband decide to bring her to your home, you could get help or you could explore using adult daycare.

Fifteen months ago my husband had a very serious stroke that left him partially blind and unable to care for himself. Although he is able to feed, bathe, and dress himself, he is unable to make decisions about his care, what he will eat, what he will wear, etc. He can no longer drive and he can't do the chores around the house he used to do. Fortunately, he has been agreeable with most of the choices I make about his care, but he is resistant and hateful to our son, so I don't get much help with his supervision...my son does help with things around the house that I can't do...and I'm still working...and I'm 65.

As people become less able to take care of themselves physically, they are often incapable of making decisions about their care. Since my husband can still help take care of himself, I feel that the best place for him is in our home.
With your mom's physical disability, it sounds like you may be at the point that you need to consider additional care for her.

Please involve her doctor or a doctor you trust to help you decide how to care for her and meet your needs. Don't leave your husband out of the equation, he's your other half and needs to be part the decision making process; he sounds like a very supportive person.

My heart goes out to you; I know you love your mom and want the best for her.

I agree with "now" is a good choice. Start visiting Assisted Living centers, if you have mental and durable health care POA - sign her up - move her things and take her. We had to do that with my Mom. Of course she was not very happy about it but it was either her or my family. I chose my family - told her I didn't care about her money (she really didn't have any anyway). I am sure your husband will be thrilled about the decision! Best wishes!

Thank you to everyone who has commented and given advice and hugs .. Please feel free to keep commenting it's keeping me sane.. And yes my spouse is a Saint.. He lost his mother to cancer and father to heart disease and has been onboard with me helping my mother as much as I want. With that being said , now that we are married I do feel it's not fair to him or US to be here as much as I am.. And what's more I am burned out as well.. It's true a person can only endure mental and physical strain for so long before they just feel like they will break in two.
I love my mother I feel sad/bad for her being without dad .. And not having the will to try and have more of a life than just sitting on the couch..she is almost 80 and completely has her mind but only one good hand and while she can move her legs she cnt walk.. She feeds herself but that's about it.. She is assisted with everything else.. And I'm thankful I have been able to help .. I sacrificed my life my job to try and help but I am tired and miss my life .. I'm a veteran of two wars and my body and mind are forever changed from it.. I have severe joint , neck and back pain and memory loss, depression and anxiety of my own.. At times, I'm not sure who is in worse shape . Haha.. I do feel a sense of guilt because I can take care of her better than anyone but I'm tired and tired of being baggered because she is miserable.. So, I'm just congering up the strength to do what I need to do for me .