Has anyone had to leave husband and kids to care for parent?

I would never consider leaving husband and kids to care for a parent.

But let's hear a little more about this situation so others can respond. Many people on this discussion forum have done that and can give you their perspective.

How far between Dad's house and your house? How often will you see your family? How old are your children?

How old is your father, and what stage is his dementia in? Is he at the point of needing Hospice care? Does he have other ailments besides the dementia?

Is it open-ended how long you will stay with him, or are there some limits?

What other alternatives have you tried? Why did you settle on this one?

I wish you nothing but the best, Janny57. I do not doubt your compassion.

My family lives 1.5 hours from dad. I am the sole surviving immediate family member. We used to live with mom and dad on their acre until mom died and we moved to the city where my husband works. Currently we are going down to be with him every other weekend but his memory is getting so bad he isn't remembering to take his blood pressure medicine and after a recent visit to the doctor he was prescribed two more medicines to take. He acknowledges that his memory is bad and he has gradually let me take over paying his bills. He doesn't even check his bank account anymore to see how much money he has. He is depressed I'm sure. He is a very sweet man but he does drink beer every evening. He asked "how do you relax?" if you don't drink beer. I love him very much and have had a good relationship with him. I know that I have to learn how to "handle" him (like I shouldn't tell him he isn't remembering correctly because he gets mad at me). He isn't preparing healthy meals for himself, he doesn't shower like his should., his PSA count is high thus an antibiotic was prescribed. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (mild) so I can't do the things I used to be able to do. Dad is a depression era child and so money is very important to him. He won't spend it. His teeth are rotting in his mouth but he doesn't want to go to the dentist. It is difficult to get him to the doctor, usually he will go because he has to have meds refilled. He went this past week because his shoulder was killing him. He has bursitis/tendonitis in it. He is getting confused about things like renewing his car tags. He had to get a smog first but didn't notice that on the form so he just paid the bill. He got another notice that he had to get it smogged but he said he had just done that (it was done in 2012). He forgot to connect his trailer hitch to his truck and his trailer (for trash) came flying off the truck and went through an orchard into someones driveway. He puts dirty dishes in the cabinets and won't throw away rotten food. He needs someone there taking care of him but he won't spend the money to hire someone. My ex sister in law was staying with him, she does have a bedroom there and she does some cooking and yard work, but they have a bad history (she is the "ex" afterall) and he doesn't want her helping him.

So, I am thinking of staying Saturday through Tuesday and coming home to be with my family Wed through Friday and going back to dad's again on Saturday. He gives us money for gas so we don't have to pay that cost.

My husband seems OK with it and my son can actually go and be with me at dad's. He loves being around his grandpa. I homeschool him so I could even take his schoolwork with us in the fall.

It is a big job but I don't want any regrets. I have enough of those when my mom and two brothers died. Not severe but just wished I had done a couple things differently.

I forgot to mention that my child still living at home is 16. I am 57.

It really sounds to me like caring for him, is going to be too much for one person. You may need to go down and get him into full time care.

I perked up when you said that you have RA. My sister was 10 years older than you, and completely disabled from it. She tried to care for Mother and her health went down hill quickly. She did not survive. Mom did and is now healthy as can be, in a NH, at age 95.

It might work, but probably only for a short while. Making good memories with Grandpa is a plus, husband being without you for so much of your life is a minus. Dad is getting to the point where he will not be able to be left alone safely at all if he is not there already. He almost certainly shouldn't be driving. You may want to get the "advice and consent" available through a good comprehensive geriatric evaluation and leave some time for just you and hubby to visit with the social worker or counselor on the team. Once in a while, there is something medically that needs to be done that might improve someone's level of functioning. I know I needed told more point-blank by more objective people that my Mom was not going to be able to have things the way she wanted - to return home without full time (or any) outside help.

I hate this for you, it has to hurt just to realize your dad is in bad enough shape to need care, and then to realize that it is even worse than you were thinking. And, whatever it is that you wish you had done for Mom...well, it might or might not be the right thing to do for Dad. Alternatives like getting him settled in a assisted living facility closer to you, or if he is pretty simpatico and it would work moving him to your place instead (maybe make it a temporary "trial" at first, or just until you can help clean up the house, or something) would be worth considering. If you need to share more about Mom and what you wished could have been different, please feel free.

Hi ladies; I will try to answer your questions. My dad is 85. I don't know what stage of dementia he is in because he hasn't been evaluated. He only agrees to go to the dr. if something is really wrong, like his shoulder was hurting so badly he did go this past Monday. He had a conversation with his doctor one day and the next day talked to the doctor again. I got an email from the dr. and he said dad didn't remember his conversation. So, the doctor, who dad is new to, is aware of his memory issues, to a degree. I think dad is hoping he will die before he has to go into a home or anything like that.

I live 1.5 hours away from him. I've talked about just going down 4 days and being home 3 days. Enough to keep track of his meds and other things. He isn't totally alone, there are friends and family who check up on him but they don't take care of daily things.

It's probably worse than I know. I know that there are dirty dishes in the kitchen cabinets, he won't throw away food even though it is rotten and stinking. He can't taste anything and most meals are horrible. We had a birthday dinner for him and he didn't remember two days later. My uncle died on Tuesday and dad called me to ask if my aunt was still alive. She died in the late 80's. He definately needs someone there every day. He won't pay for help, even for yard work, and I don't have the money.

How do you deal with someone like that? I love him and am willing to take care of him until I can't. I guess I just need to have a really open honest conversation with him. Our family never talked about things. That will be hard.

If Dad was a wartime veteran, call the VA and ask for "Aid and Attendance" help for him, so you can spend more time at your home.

Janny, love is good, but his dementia is bad. He doesn't need you there half time, he needs someone to supervise full time; he does not need to die alone in a pile of dishes and rotting garbage, even if that's what he thinks he wants, but that's probably not it at all; he probably just does not realize that's where things are headed. With this severity, your POAs if you have them can be put into effect, and if you don't, a guardianship is more than appropriate. Another route to consider is Adult Protective Services, again depending on just how bad conditions are. if you mean one beer a night, a loaf of moldy bread and some outdated ketchup in the fridge it's one thing, but if you mean odors and garbage, incontinence, and trying to eat spoiled food and live on beer alone, its another thing altogether.

The open and honest conversation you hope for will likely be met with scorn and anger, and he will not remember that you tried to be open and honest, he will only remember that you vaguely threatened his independence or something like that and he may remember that he is angry at you or worse still that you turned on him. Remember, part of this disease is losing your judgement. He probably thinks he is doing OK.

It sounds like the doctor will be your ally and document the mental incapacity. All that said, he has possibly not even had assessements to make sure there is not soem reversibel factor like a vitamin deficiency that could be addressed and make a difference. If you get there and the house is not that bad and he's not that bad and can kind of potter around and muddle through in the familiar setting once you've cleaned it up, great, but I have a strong sense that's not going to be the case and you may have more than you can handle as far as cleaning up. He may even resist you cleaning up.

If no one has done any papers, you need an eldercare attorney or estate planner.
This is not easy stuff, but you can do it if you can bring yourself to see things as they really are. My hubby and I blew it with his parents, not realizing we had options when they refused all help and called the police on my brother in law, but after a year or two I did figure out what was going on with my mom..some of the hardest things I ever had to do...and OMG I remember thinking the same thing, that my mom's irrational plan for her to go home alone meant that she wanted to die there, but that was not it at all. She most definitely did not want to die alone, and she came up with plans that made no sense because she just flat out couldn't reason or get a grip on the reality.

Janny, one thing that might help a little is to get Meals on Wheels. My father pays only $3/meal, which is enough for him to make into 2 meals. Then he only has to fix breakfast and heat up something on the weekends.

It might be something you could do with the gas money he gives you if he's not willing to pay for it himself.

I have the feeling that you have a lot of strength, focus, and will be able to handle problems as they arise...just a gut feeling from your approach. And I wish you well; it's a very special task to undertake and still maintain your own family.

One more thought for the night...how about bringing someone with you that you can trust to be objective enough to help you see what you are seeing yet kind enough to support you when you go?

I suppose I was thinking that if I caught dad at the right time, when he was clear headed, I could reason with him. What I am hearing is that the reasoning ability is affected by dementia and so I won't be able to do that with him, most likely.

He complains to my Sister in Law that I am controlling when I am down there. He complains to me that she doesn't do anything like cleaning or cooking. I know she does some cooking and hires a friend to clean the kitchen. It's hard to know exactly what is going on. I used to believe dad when he complained about my SIL but have found out that he tells stories.

I think I will contact his doctor and tell him I need help and would like to have dad evaluated, if I can get him to come to the doctor. Perhaps if dad thought his memory could be "fixed" by vitamins he would agree.

All the necessary paperwork is done. PoA, Living Trust, DNR. I'm not sure what advise and consent is. Can you explain. If the dr. agrees and I and activate the PoA then I could use his money to hire some help.

About the VA. Dad was in the service, but he never served. He got out before actually going to battle so I'm not sure he would qualify for any benefits. I know he has never used any benefits and may object to being called a veteran. I think he got out because he was married and had a child on the way. Not sure though.

I talked to him today and he said he's ready to die. He talks about dying all the time. "Life is hard, then you die." "It's hard getting old, then you die." Over and over.

There are other things on my mind too. Dad has been "working" for this woman, Zoe, for several years. At first it was a paid position, then he fell in love with her and gradually it has become an unpaid position with him "helping" her. He can't see that she uses him, at least we (me, my husband and his grandkids) feel that way. He works for free, he uses his tools and parts and buys or gives her things for her rental properties. He has loaned his truck to her so she could go to San Diego 3 times to help her son. She has dented his truck too but I don't think she has had it fixed. He loves her so you cannot say anything negative about her. She told me, a couple years ago, that she had him help her (driving to another city) because it was good for him to have something to do. I agreed. But now he is too weak and getting tired to do the physical work. And yet at the drop of a hat he will help her. If I was going to call APS it would be on her. But I can't do that because he would get mad. So, I just watch what is going on and hope somehow it ends. Well, she is moving farther away from dad so maybe it will be slowing down. He says he isn't driving to her new place every day. I think he gets lost at times and he doesn't want to pay for the gas either.

It's a mess. My mom died 17 years ago and my husband and I have been going back to dads all these years. We are tired and yet I do love him and want only the best. I read stories of how the caretaker child benefited from being with the parent and being closer. I hope that happens with us. Last time I was there I gave dad a poetry book. He really loved it and read me the same poems over and over sitting in the kitchen. He knew parts of many of them, having memorized them as a kid. If I go there and tell myself that I am just going to spend time with dad then things go better. But if I go there with an agenda, like I'm going to get this done or that, then I get worn out physically and get frustrated and tired and I don't want to go back.

Well, I'm going off on tangents now. So I will end this. Thanks for your advice. I am learning and hopefully can use your comments to make this path smoother for me.

One last thing. Garden Artist, thank you for telling me that your gut tells you I am strong. I am. But it is only because of my faith and I know that I will get to the other side of this season of life onto the next. I hope to glean alot of information from this website and appreciate all your help.

Janny, I think that vstefans has given you a particularly sound perspective.

Dementia gets worse. And it can go on for years.

Wow. Yes, you are strong and loving and trying so hard to give Dad a good life. But his mental and physical health really are failing. And you are SO blessed to have to POAs all in order - even more so that the lady he is in love with (but probably just using him) didn't talk him into changing them to her...its been done and can be a true nightmare. Getting the incapacity letters would be a safeguard of sorts against this happening though it seems unlikely now. And it's really good that you are on to him about complaints about each other not being fully accurate due to the memory problems.

By "Advice and Consent" I was just making a movie allusion...you know, the President is supposed to act with the advice and consent of the Senate on certain things. Just a way of saying it is hard if not impossible to take the task of objectively evaluating whether Dad can really live alone at all on your shoulders alone, when you are his daughter, you love him, and you genuinely don't want this to be happening to him. Depression aggravates dementia and vice versa, that might be another avenue for treatment that would imrpove his life and yours even if the whole thing is not really reversible. He despertely needs someone to try to relieve some of his misery even if he is bascially pushing your help away.

You also brought back sweet memories of my dad, who developed a severe frontotemporal dementia. My mom had him placed in a nursing home after he fell multiple times, she could not get him up, he was getting angrier at her and even said he was going to shoot her. Despite all that, he missed her and wanted to go home...well, the best I could do was bring some of his memorable stuff from old times, let people at his old job know to come see him, and BOOKS. He'd sit there and read them to me and it was the sweetest thing, or we'd just watch TV if he was tired, but he would sit and read A LOT. They called him "The Professor" (he was actually an assistant professor at Pitt at one time) and I think that was the best quality of life he could have had. I guess, though I initially disagreed with the placement and wanted Mom to get more help and counseling on how to handle things at home (she pretty much yelled at him non-stop and didn't modify some things that tripped him up, would not hear of home health coming in, etc. etc.) his being there did at least let me go visit and just be with him instead of trying to fix the house or do his care.

I think its wonderful that you are their for your dad. But cant your husband go too? I know its hard in my situation, kinda the same thing, but I live very close to my grandfather, so its easier in that sense and Im not married, but have to kids and my disabled dad.

Its hard to talk about issues I know but just let him know your just worried about him and want the best for him. Extra help/ companions will be good for him and keep him from being lonely. Sit down with your husband and son and have a talk, then talk with your dad. I wish you luck!

When DAd died years ago, my hubby said we need to to buy mom a home near us. Siblings wouldnt help out, so that is exactly what we did. Years go by, and Mom gets dementia/ALZ.

I would stay with her at night, get up in morning get child at our house, so dad could go to work. Then I would go to work. Did this for a few years. Hubby realized, I wasn't sleeping since mom would walk around at night. Had to shadow her all the time. Daytime I had her going to adult day care. REad on filter and take what is best for you... good luck

Just a comment on the relationship and help he's providing for Zoe (as I haven't had a chance to read all the posts thoroughly)...a handyman who's also a fixer NEEDS to do that, and if he can HELP someone else, he feels validated.
It boosts his self confidence and helps keep his mind alert.

Doing repairs is analytical and is actually good for his cognitive skills.

"If I go there and tell myself that I am just going to spend time with dad then things go better. But if I go there with an agenda, like I'm going to get this done or that, then I get worn out physically and get frustrated and tired and I don't want to go back."

Yes!

You need to arrange things so that you can see him and interact with him as his loving daughter.

My sisters brought Social Services in to do a needs assessment on Mom, who was living alone in an apartment. Mom kept insisting that she didn't need help. "Do you need someone to come in an clean your apartment." "No, my daughters do that." A daughter spoke up: "Mom, when we come we want to play cribbage with you or look at scrapbooks or play scrabble. We are not building any memories scrubbing your toilet!"

I think you want to do with your father things that no one else could do, things that will stay in your memory when he is gone. Hire someone else to do the other things. Let others handle the "agenda" -- you handle loving interactions.

Hi Garden Artist-dad has been working with Zoe for about 10 years. We had a conversstion a few years ago about him. She said just what you sfid, different word, same idec. Phoblem now is he tries to do the physical work and cant. I just leaned of an incident this week where he was working dianother man and got overheated and ended up lon the ground. The man took dsd tocthe store don the street and wxnted him to get gstorade or water thinking he needed that. Dad bought 40 oz bottle of beer. The man followed him home to make sure he got there. The man said that Zoe was treating dad like a dog. So i had a reason to call her and talk. She admitted that they fought and said she keeps telling dad not to work but he does anyway. She has him go to home depot to get things and he gets the wrong thing. The man said she gets mad. So, one more reason to be there wiith him.

Thanks for all the advice ladies. After i get down to dads im sure i will write again, in a few days.

Before I did that, I'd try just moving him in with me. He can help with the bills, your whole family can pitch in a little to help care for him, and the social aspect would be wonderful for him. No matter how much I love my mom, I would NEVER move into her home to care for her. It's my home, or it's assisted living, or it's a nursing home. And I REALLY love my mom. ;)

Your family will be enriched by their participation in his care, and you will have a much easier time of it in your own home.

I urge you to try that. While caring for an aging loved one is no small task, it has many intangible rewards that you can't even imagine.

Here is my story. It started in March 2013. My mom has lived alone for the last 25 years. Totally independent and she is 76 now. It began when she got into an small car accident. It was so traumatic for her, she let her health get out of control. She is diabetic and has always suffered depression.
Mom lives in FL. My sister and I like up north in two different states, we are all far away from each other. When mom checked herself into the hospital, we each left our families and flew in to be with her. What we learned about her condition came as a shock. At some point she had had a stroke. She rapidly deteriorated from there. My sister had to return to her work and I stayed with mom.
I flew back home about every 6 weeks or whenever possible. My daughter was off to her first year of college and my husband works. Every time I came home my husband was more distant. Our relationship crumbled. That fall he had a big stroke too. I rushed home and left mom in part-time care of friends and neighbors. My husband seemed to make a full recovery from stroke and returned to work after 4-5 weeks. He refused my help with anything. I flew back to FL to be with mother.

Meanwhile, mom was deeply depressed and was playing candy store with her meds. Her dementia was getting worse but she refused to move into a nursing home. I've stayed with her until she gave in and went into a Nursing Home. She doesn't like it, but her blood sugar is steady. I know she is getting round the clock care. She behaves very well for them and feels like she is no longer a burden to her daughters. But she has never been a burden to us, we each did all we could for her willingly. I do not regret giving up my husband and grown daughter to help her transition. It's not over yet and I miss her terribly.
But my husband is very resentful. We had marital problems anyway. My daughter quit college for the time being and has issues to work out. But I do not blame my absence for that either. It has been hard on all of us. I have my health problems to deal with now. I have to rebuild my life and that is the only thing I have some control over.
My advice, for what its worth (I made decisions that have upset others) is to take your son and help your father transition into independence. That is what my mom really wanted in the end. I brought her to live with me for two months but she was uncomfortable in my home. Her doctors and I had to make her realize she had to give up her house or accept an in home caregiver. She didn't want a stranger in her house.
I am now trying help my daughter grow up, save my marriage (he wants a divorce) and get my health under control. The time I spent with my mother was priceless, I would do it again in a heart beat.
I know this because she is content and being cared for. I tried all kinds of things first, meals on wheels, daycare, transportation to Dr. Apps, I will continue to pay all her bills and maintain her house until she decides what to do with it. Really it is now my sister and my responsibility. We have a long way to go yet.

I hope this helps.

I had to make ugly decisions too, Muther. There was and still is only one of me. I'm not saintly enough to be given the gift of bilocation, and if I was, I'd promptly need to be three places at once instead of two. Your husband sounds like a resentful jackass, BTW - I'm not sure why he could not have gone with you to help your Mom if he hated your being away so badly, unless he works seven days a week every week. Let's see - my spouse needs to go help her (acutely and suddenly) sick mom, so when she comes back I'll punish her for it..what a nice guy. I agree with you I can't see how you're being out of town for a bit is an excuse for your daughter quitting school, though my son moved back in to attend school locally and though he is now 22, we are definitely getting our second chance to "help him grow up" too.

My decisions were a little different - my daughter still needed me to be in town as she was not fully back on her feet yet after a disastrous relationship, and to stay in town herself; for the rest of us to relocate to Pgh PA might have been a good or at least viable choice, but I made the other one. I did long distance caregiving til I could bring my Mom to Little Rock AR. Hubby was reasonably supportive and sometimes came up to Pgh with me but it was mostly me, and mostly I was left with a huge pile of housework when I'd get back but no real resentment for my being away. I bet you keep house and try to make a pleasant home, and though I would never encourage divorce in a marriage that could be rejuvenated, hubby may need his chance to see what life is REALLY like without you in his own place taking care of his lonely, self-pitying self. Sorry if I am too blunt today, I'm in a bad mood because the guys are dumping piles of housework on me and I had to get unpleasant with them last night to convey a message that what they are doing and failing to do is unacceptable. I need to feel cared for or at least cared about in my own home, not abused with my needs and dreams ignored and made fun of so they can sit on their asses watching bad movies and playing video games while I exist to pick up after them, or tolerate my home turning into a trash pile.

Sadly, we try to be everything for everybody. Eventually we realize that isn't possible and meanwhile we have lost our own self in the process. I read somewhere on this site where someone said that nowhere is it written that we have to give up our own lives in order for our parent(s) to continue their lives. Having gone down the road of putting in more and more time to help Mom as she travels down Dementia Lane at the expense of my husband and (same age as your) sons. When I saw my own family becoming more and more distant, I had to make the hard choice of less time with Mom and more time with my husband and sons. Though I felt guilty, I rememberd Mom didn't out her own mother 1st during this same exact situation. During one of her more lucid moments she reminded me of the "forsake all others" when I got married and my 1st responsibility was to my husband, myself, and our marriage. Then I read what that person had written about not giving up our lives. The point couldn't have been more clear, at least to me & for my situation.

All that to say, my advice to add to all the other wonderful advice you have been given is DELEGATE DELEGATE DELEGATE. Thankfully you now control his finances, so paying others to help you is easier than if you didn't have financial POA. Hard to do, but if you can think logically instead of emotionally, you can get thru this faster and with less guilt.n I say "less guilt" because you will have some no matter what. We all do to some extent. And please let the guilt go that you have regarding your mom and 2 brothers. You have precious little energy and don't want to waste any of it on guilt over something you can't possibly change now.

The hardest thing I have found to be is accepting I am doing the best I can. Getting others to help means more needs are covered than I could possibly cover if I tried to do it all myself. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a community to assist the elderly.

Blessing to you....

Meant to write that Mom didn't PUT her own mother 1st.

Hi Vstefans, I now how ur feeling today. I have decided to cancel my daughters cell phone as soon as contract expires. I turned internet access off a while ago and husband just gave up cable recently; his choice. I didn't dare suggest it before. Yes, he is a jack--ss but I can't change that.

I do keep a clean home, I am comparably thin (he calls me fat) and losing weight still. And he told my daughter she is fat! He is definitely a jackal, he is immature and has a huge ego. He lost a lot of weight after stroke, saw a dentist for the first time in 30 years and thinks he is God's gift to everyone around him.

Ok, it felt good to rant. Thanks for ur comments. I needed a good laugh. If I were u I would take all the video games to the pawn shop. Life is too short for hours playing video games and they are too tempting to put aside.

BTW: This site has been one of the best resources and support I had in dealing with eldercare.

I would never leave my husband and children very long to take care of my parents. Likewise, they wouldn't want me to. Luckily, I only live three blocks from my parents.
Unfortunalty, we do have to travel to a different state five hours away for some of their treatment, as they both have cancer, and we live in a small town. When we do go, it is usually over night, as I have to drive all the way there, wait for treatment, then drive back and usually a little tired. However, usually the other parent also comes with, to give me company and I take my youngest child with me.
If my parents, ever get to the point where they can not take of themselves, I think they would either move in with me, since I have a big house, or they would move into a care center since they have the means to do it.
I am 35, my children are 16, 14, 12, and 10. My husband and I have been married 17 years.

Hi Janny,
I haven't left husband and kids but instead moved mother in. She is actually in my husband and my bedroom since that was the only room in the house with enough room for hospital bed(which she is bound to as she can't walk), hoya left, etc. etc.
My husband has a terminal lung condition and according to the doctors hasn't much time left although some do last longer. So this is hard on him as well as myself. My sister tried to take care of mom for a short time but she couldn't do it. She lives on the other side of the country so it was very difficult to move her back here. In the case of your dad I would suggest finding away to move him in with your family now before you have regrets. My mom's memory was getting bad and she took a walk at night fell and broke her arm. It has never healed but it doesn't hurt thank God. If your dad hurts himself or someone else you will see that it would have been preferable to have found away to do this. My mom could still walk a little before she went to stay with my sister but I think sometimes it's easy to do for someone than to try to let them do some for themselves. Plus, she was trying to go places like out at night again. So now I get her back and she can't walk! For me it was easier when she could walk. I could find ways to keep her safe and she could still get around a little. Now it's very difficult to tell her she can't get up and walk to the toilet and she has to go in her draws. She doesn't like it and we have to discuss it often. Just believe me, it will be easier on you and your family in the learn run if you find a way to bring him home with you now because you will probably have to find a way to do it sooner or later and it might not be as easy if you wait, unless your rich and can afford a nursing home for about $6000. per month or he can qualify for medical in which case if he has a home if will go to the state. You better start making a plan now because if you wait it can become extremely stressful later.

You have a husband and family (a teen, no less) to care for at home. Your dad has options, one of which isn't staying at home alone. The others are nursing home care and/or 24/7 round the clock good at home care and I don't know anyone who can afford that. If I could, I'd have left my mom up north, believe me!

Isn't there one room in your house that can be converted to a bedroom for your dad?

I was talking to a psychiatrist the other day who said that it just isn't worth putting your family second if a patient has dementia. The patient needs to be told what to do, not the other way around. And, if you can, you should make him/her believe it's their idea. Stubbornness comes with the territory. Do you want to give up your independence? Neither do people with dementia.

I don't know what type of dementia your dad has or how far along he is, but there is just so much he can get into and quite frankly, he can hurt himself and possibly others in the process. What if he decides to leave something on the stove and burns down the house? What if he falls? They forget to eat. They forget to take their meds. The two together spell disaster health-wise. In an ideal world, we'd all live on the same land, the same town, the same house, whatever, but we don't anymore.

Ask his doctor what he thinks. Does he think he's safe at home by himself? My mom was at home by herself (actually with my son, but he just said he thought it was just nana being nana) and each time I called, she sounded really great, until I began to get these phone calls from the visiting nurse who told me they 'thought' she was in non compliance with her drugs. Turns out she wasn't. Also, I found out a year later that she had lost medications but didn't tell anyone. Her eyesight was so bad (in fact, macular degeneration, but she never said a word to me. She couldn't see what she was buying and couldn't read labels. When I got there, I noticed the grocery store in which she had shopped her entire life had become terrorizing to her. Seems they had changed the way the goods were stacked, shelved, etc., that she got very confused. She always wanted to leave. BTW, it's not that I hadn't seen her in years, it had only less than a year. And, to me, she was my mother, just getting older. Yes, there were some weird stuff, but it was just my mother. Just like my son and two daughters were telling me, it's just nana getting old.

Dementia is not just forgetting. It's a progressive, insidious disease. What if someone in your family were diagnosed with a brain tumor and had six months to live? Would you have them in your house then?

I had to go up 1400 miles to care for my mom seven months full time after she was placed in a geriatric psyche facility because of her higher than high diabetic numbers and high BP. I live alone and have no one to care for, so I was fortunate in that sense. I still had to close up the house, have someone watch it, uproot the dog, etc. When she was well enough physically to travel, I brought her to my house. She travelled well, which was surprising. And today, she's in and out of it. Mostly out of it. She certainly can't cook, clean, wash herself, tend to her needs, take her meds, go to doctor's appointments, etc. without someone. In other words, there is no way she could live alone.

I did this last summer. I moved in with my mom while my husband and kids were at home. It was exhausting. My house became a mess, my kids (22 and 15) did the best they could to help and my husband works two jobs in the summer. My mom wouldn't hire anyone either, but when school started back (I teach) I had to hire someone without her knowng she was paying for it. She had given me POA and I could write checks. I told her that her insurance was paying for it. She truly believed it. In November, she didn't want anyone with her all the time so we cut down to a few days a week, and then finally in March I encouraged her to move in to Assisted Living. I know she is safe and well cared for. Grant it, she is miserable and wants to move in to a little house as she says, but I know it wouldn't be good. She was doing the same thing, not taking medicine, not eating, getting lonely. Giving up your life and your family is just not feasible. You can try it and see how it goes for a while, but I would really consider other alternatives. Good luck to you.

Hi Janny. In 2005, my family (Hubby, me, 2 boys, 14 and 8) moved from Washington, DC to Orlando Florida. My husband had retired after a 35 year career, and I being 15 years younger started a business. My parents were to move to Florida 'any day now', as soon as they could land a good house in the crazy 2005/2006 real estate market.

In Spring 2006, my mother's health started to fail, and I started flying back and forth to help my father take care of her. By September 2006, I was sleeping on my parents' basement sofa during the week, and either flying or driving home most weekends. Mom passed in 2007 at 79, and Dad (82) fell apart. So even though my husband and kids figured I would be back, I could not leave my father in that condition (not eating,falling, being confused, forgetting to pay bills - 3 car accidents in 1 year). My brother lived less than a mile away from my parents, but it was I who kept up what I called "the 900 mile commute" for about 5 years. Obviously my Florida business didn't work out, so I was fortunate enough to get my old job back in late 2008. Dad's SSI was/is enough to cover his interest only mortgage payment and most of his expenses - so I had to work to keep things going. I had a beautiful new home in Florida, and had always planned on Mom and Dad spending time with us, so I tried for years to get Dad to move down to Florida - but he will not leave the house where Mom was.
My husband, while not happy, was supportive of my choice to stay with my parents. I had cared for his parents for a year or so each, but that had been in our own neighborhood or home. What I regret most now is the years I lost with my sons. The younger one had some issues while I was away during the week. He had problems with school bullies and a few instances of sleepwalking (one involving the Sherriff's office when he wandered away from home in the middle of the night).
My older son put on a brave face and made it through high school.He matured quickly and is very protective of his younger brother.
At the end of 2010, we all gave up on Florida and moved back to the Washington, DC area. My husband's only request was that we go back to our old neighborhood so he could reunite with some of his old friends, which we did. Dad is hanging in there. He is still in his (and Mom's) house. We have taken him in to our home a few times for weeks at a time when he has had health problems and/or gets confused.

Ironically, my brother was laid off from his job and needed a place to live. So I sat him down an told him now it was his turn. I am perturbed that he is spending a lot of Dad's money, but in comparison to the cost of home care, it all comes out. As I write this, I am on vacation out of the country and my brother is updating me from the ER as Dad just fell in the kitchen.

Get as much help as you can afford. I was 5-7 days with Dad and then 2 days home with the family. If you can hire some help or find an assisted living facility, perhaps you can reverse the ratio? And if you haven't already - get POA for both financial and health issues ASAP. I work in the insurance business and it drives me crazy but NO ONE can talk to you about anything without you giving them a copy of the PoA. And always carry copies with you. Hardly anyone keeps them "on file", even if they say they do. I would take my mother home from the hospital and bring her back 2 days later and they would have no record of me having POA.
I hope this helps you to see what is right for you.

I haven't but a good friend is doing this right now--between countries no less. She has an amazingly supportive husband who doesn't make her feel like sheh as to choose. She is able to spend about 8 weeks at a time taking care of her father who has Alzheimer's and then when she goes home for a couple of weeks to "touch bases", the UK seems to have marvelous inhome and visiting care programs (which include meal delivery) to help in her absence.

It can be done but there has to be support, understanding and being done with love otherwise its a house of cards. Good luck!