Has anyone had to leave husband and kids to care for parent?

Just a comment on the relationship and help he's providing for Zoe (as I haven't had a chance to read all the posts thoroughly)...a handyman who's also a fixer NEEDS to do that, and if he can HELP someone else, he feels validated.
It boosts his self confidence and helps keep his mind alert.

Doing repairs is analytical and is actually good for his cognitive skills.

When DAd died years ago, my hubby said we need to to buy mom a home near us. Siblings wouldnt help out, so that is exactly what we did. Years go by, and Mom gets dementia/ALZ.

I would stay with her at night, get up in morning get child at our house, so dad could go to work. Then I would go to work. Did this for a few years. Hubby realized, I wasn't sleeping since mom would walk around at night. Had to shadow her all the time. Daytime I had her going to adult day care. REad on filter and take what is best for you... good luck

I think its wonderful that you are their for your dad. But cant your husband go too? I know its hard in my situation, kinda the same thing, but I live very close to my grandfather, so its easier in that sense and Im not married, but have to kids and my disabled dad.

Its hard to talk about issues I know but just let him know your just worried about him and want the best for him. Extra help/ companions will be good for him and keep him from being lonely. Sit down with your husband and son and have a talk, then talk with your dad. I wish you luck!

Wow. Yes, you are strong and loving and trying so hard to give Dad a good life. But his mental and physical health really are failing. And you are SO blessed to have to POAs all in order - even more so that the lady he is in love with (but probably just using him) didn't talk him into changing them to her...its been done and can be a true nightmare. Getting the incapacity letters would be a safeguard of sorts against this happening though it seems unlikely now. And it's really good that you are on to him about complaints about each other not being fully accurate due to the memory problems.

By "Advice and Consent" I was just making a movie allusion...you know, the President is supposed to act with the advice and consent of the Senate on certain things. Just a way of saying it is hard if not impossible to take the task of objectively evaluating whether Dad can really live alone at all on your shoulders alone, when you are his daughter, you love him, and you genuinely don't want this to be happening to him. Depression aggravates dementia and vice versa, that might be another avenue for treatment that would imrpove his life and yours even if the whole thing is not really reversible. He despertely needs someone to try to relieve some of his misery even if he is bascially pushing your help away.

You also brought back sweet memories of my dad, who developed a severe frontotemporal dementia. My mom had him placed in a nursing home after he fell multiple times, she could not get him up, he was getting angrier at her and even said he was going to shoot her. Despite all that, he missed her and wanted to go home...well, the best I could do was bring some of his memorable stuff from old times, let people at his old job know to come see him, and BOOKS. He'd sit there and read them to me and it was the sweetest thing, or we'd just watch TV if he was tired, but he would sit and read A LOT. They called him "The Professor" (he was actually an assistant professor at Pitt at one time) and I think that was the best quality of life he could have had. I guess, though I initially disagreed with the placement and wanted Mom to get more help and counseling on how to handle things at home (she pretty much yelled at him non-stop and didn't modify some things that tripped him up, would not hear of home health coming in, etc. etc.) his being there did at least let me go visit and just be with him instead of trying to fix the house or do his care.

Janny, I think that vstefans has given you a particularly sound perspective.

Dementia gets worse. And it can go on for years.

I suppose I was thinking that if I caught dad at the right time, when he was clear headed, I could reason with him. What I am hearing is that the reasoning ability is affected by dementia and so I won't be able to do that with him, most likely.

He complains to my Sister in Law that I am controlling when I am down there. He complains to me that she doesn't do anything like cleaning or cooking. I know she does some cooking and hires a friend to clean the kitchen. It's hard to know exactly what is going on. I used to believe dad when he complained about my SIL but have found out that he tells stories.

I think I will contact his doctor and tell him I need help and would like to have dad evaluated, if I can get him to come to the doctor. Perhaps if dad thought his memory could be "fixed" by vitamins he would agree.

All the necessary paperwork is done. PoA, Living Trust, DNR. I'm not sure what advise and consent is. Can you explain. If the dr. agrees and I and activate the PoA then I could use his money to hire some help.

About the VA. Dad was in the service, but he never served. He got out before actually going to battle so I'm not sure he would qualify for any benefits. I know he has never used any benefits and may object to being called a veteran. I think he got out because he was married and had a child on the way. Not sure though.

I talked to him today and he said he's ready to die. He talks about dying all the time. "Life is hard, then you die." "It's hard getting old, then you die." Over and over.

There are other things on my mind too. Dad has been "working" for this woman, Zoe, for several years. At first it was a paid position, then he fell in love with her and gradually it has become an unpaid position with him "helping" her. He can't see that she uses him, at least we (me, my husband and his grandkids) feel that way. He works for free, he uses his tools and parts and buys or gives her things for her rental properties. He has loaned his truck to her so she could go to San Diego 3 times to help her son. She has dented his truck too but I don't think she has had it fixed. He loves her so you cannot say anything negative about her. She told me, a couple years ago, that she had him help her (driving to another city) because it was good for him to have something to do. I agreed. But now he is too weak and getting tired to do the physical work. And yet at the drop of a hat he will help her. If I was going to call APS it would be on her. But I can't do that because he would get mad. So, I just watch what is going on and hope somehow it ends. Well, she is moving farther away from dad so maybe it will be slowing down. He says he isn't driving to her new place every day. I think he gets lost at times and he doesn't want to pay for the gas either.

It's a mess. My mom died 17 years ago and my husband and I have been going back to dads all these years. We are tired and yet I do love him and want only the best. I read stories of how the caretaker child benefited from being with the parent and being closer. I hope that happens with us. Last time I was there I gave dad a poetry book. He really loved it and read me the same poems over and over sitting in the kitchen. He knew parts of many of them, having memorized them as a kid. If I go there and tell myself that I am just going to spend time with dad then things go better. But if I go there with an agenda, like I'm going to get this done or that, then I get worn out physically and get frustrated and tired and I don't want to go back.

Well, I'm going off on tangents now. So I will end this. Thanks for your advice. I am learning and hopefully can use your comments to make this path smoother for me.

One last thing. Garden Artist, thank you for telling me that your gut tells you I am strong. I am. But it is only because of my faith and I know that I will get to the other side of this season of life onto the next. I hope to glean alot of information from this website and appreciate all your help.

One more thought for the night...how about bringing someone with you that you can trust to be objective enough to help you see what you are seeing yet kind enough to support you when you go?

Janny, one thing that might help a little is to get Meals on Wheels. My father pays only $3/meal, which is enough for him to make into 2 meals. Then he only has to fix breakfast and heat up something on the weekends.

It might be something you could do with the gas money he gives you if he's not willing to pay for it himself.

I have the feeling that you have a lot of strength, focus, and will be able to handle problems as they arise...just a gut feeling from your approach. And I wish you well; it's a very special task to undertake and still maintain your own family.

Janny, love is good, but his dementia is bad. He doesn't need you there half time, he needs someone to supervise full time; he does not need to die alone in a pile of dishes and rotting garbage, even if that's what he thinks he wants, but that's probably not it at all; he probably just does not realize that's where things are headed. With this severity, your POAs if you have them can be put into effect, and if you don't, a guardianship is more than appropriate. Another route to consider is Adult Protective Services, again depending on just how bad conditions are. if you mean one beer a night, a loaf of moldy bread and some outdated ketchup in the fridge it's one thing, but if you mean odors and garbage, incontinence, and trying to eat spoiled food and live on beer alone, its another thing altogether.

The open and honest conversation you hope for will likely be met with scorn and anger, and he will not remember that you tried to be open and honest, he will only remember that you vaguely threatened his independence or something like that and he may remember that he is angry at you or worse still that you turned on him. Remember, part of this disease is losing your judgement. He probably thinks he is doing OK.

It sounds like the doctor will be your ally and document the mental incapacity. All that said, he has possibly not even had assessements to make sure there is not soem reversibel factor like a vitamin deficiency that could be addressed and make a difference. If you get there and the house is not that bad and he's not that bad and can kind of potter around and muddle through in the familiar setting once you've cleaned it up, great, but I have a strong sense that's not going to be the case and you may have more than you can handle as far as cleaning up. He may even resist you cleaning up.

If no one has done any papers, you need an eldercare attorney or estate planner.
This is not easy stuff, but you can do it if you can bring yourself to see things as they really are. My hubby and I blew it with his parents, not realizing we had options when they refused all help and called the police on my brother in law, but after a year or two I did figure out what was going on with my mom..some of the hardest things I ever had to do...and OMG I remember thinking the same thing, that my mom's irrational plan for her to go home alone meant that she wanted to die there, but that was not it at all. She most definitely did not want to die alone, and she came up with plans that made no sense because she just flat out couldn't reason or get a grip on the reality.

If Dad was a wartime veteran, call the VA and ask for "Aid and Attendance" help for him, so you can spend more time at your home.

Hi ladies; I will try to answer your questions. My dad is 85. I don't know what stage of dementia he is in because he hasn't been evaluated. He only agrees to go to the dr. if something is really wrong, like his shoulder was hurting so badly he did go this past Monday. He had a conversation with his doctor one day and the next day talked to the doctor again. I got an email from the dr. and he said dad didn't remember his conversation. So, the doctor, who dad is new to, is aware of his memory issues, to a degree. I think dad is hoping he will die before he has to go into a home or anything like that.

I live 1.5 hours away from him. I've talked about just going down 4 days and being home 3 days. Enough to keep track of his meds and other things. He isn't totally alone, there are friends and family who check up on him but they don't take care of daily things.

It's probably worse than I know. I know that there are dirty dishes in the kitchen cabinets, he won't throw away food even though it is rotten and stinking. He can't taste anything and most meals are horrible. We had a birthday dinner for him and he didn't remember two days later. My uncle died on Tuesday and dad called me to ask if my aunt was still alive. She died in the late 80's. He definately needs someone there every day. He won't pay for help, even for yard work, and I don't have the money.

How do you deal with someone like that? I love him and am willing to take care of him until I can't. I guess I just need to have a really open honest conversation with him. Our family never talked about things. That will be hard.

It might work, but probably only for a short while. Making good memories with Grandpa is a plus, husband being without you for so much of your life is a minus. Dad is getting to the point where he will not be able to be left alone safely at all if he is not there already. He almost certainly shouldn't be driving. You may want to get the "advice and consent" available through a good comprehensive geriatric evaluation and leave some time for just you and hubby to visit with the social worker or counselor on the team. Once in a while, there is something medically that needs to be done that might improve someone's level of functioning. I know I needed told more point-blank by more objective people that my Mom was not going to be able to have things the way she wanted - to return home without full time (or any) outside help.

I hate this for you, it has to hurt just to realize your dad is in bad enough shape to need care, and then to realize that it is even worse than you were thinking. And, whatever it is that you wish you had done for Mom...well, it might or might not be the right thing to do for Dad. Alternatives like getting him settled in a assisted living facility closer to you, or if he is pretty simpatico and it would work moving him to your place instead (maybe make it a temporary "trial" at first, or just until you can help clean up the house, or something) would be worth considering. If you need to share more about Mom and what you wished could have been different, please feel free.

It really sounds to me like caring for him, is going to be too much for one person. You may need to go down and get him into full time care.

I perked up when you said that you have RA. My sister was 10 years older than you, and completely disabled from it. She tried to care for Mother and her health went down hill quickly. She did not survive. Mom did and is now healthy as can be, in a NH, at age 95.

I forgot to mention that my child still living at home is 16. I am 57.

My family lives 1.5 hours from dad. I am the sole surviving immediate family member. We used to live with mom and dad on their acre until mom died and we moved to the city where my husband works. Currently we are going down to be with him every other weekend but his memory is getting so bad he isn't remembering to take his blood pressure medicine and after a recent visit to the doctor he was prescribed two more medicines to take. He acknowledges that his memory is bad and he has gradually let me take over paying his bills. He doesn't even check his bank account anymore to see how much money he has. He is depressed I'm sure. He is a very sweet man but he does drink beer every evening. He asked "how do you relax?" if you don't drink beer. I love him very much and have had a good relationship with him. I know that I have to learn how to "handle" him (like I shouldn't tell him he isn't remembering correctly because he gets mad at me). He isn't preparing healthy meals for himself, he doesn't shower like his should., his PSA count is high thus an antibiotic was prescribed. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (mild) so I can't do the things I used to be able to do. Dad is a depression era child and so money is very important to him. He won't spend it. His teeth are rotting in his mouth but he doesn't want to go to the dentist. It is difficult to get him to the doctor, usually he will go because he has to have meds refilled. He went this past week because his shoulder was killing him. He has bursitis/tendonitis in it. He is getting confused about things like renewing his car tags. He had to get a smog first but didn't notice that on the form so he just paid the bill. He got another notice that he had to get it smogged but he said he had just done that (it was done in 2012). He forgot to connect his trailer hitch to his truck and his trailer (for trash) came flying off the truck and went through an orchard into someones driveway. He puts dirty dishes in the cabinets and won't throw away rotten food. He needs someone there taking care of him but he won't spend the money to hire someone. My ex sister in law was staying with him, she does have a bedroom there and she does some cooking and yard work, but they have a bad history (she is the "ex" afterall) and he doesn't want her helping him.

So, I am thinking of staying Saturday through Tuesday and coming home to be with my family Wed through Friday and going back to dad's again on Saturday. He gives us money for gas so we don't have to pay that cost.

My husband seems OK with it and my son can actually go and be with me at dad's. He loves being around his grandpa. I homeschool him so I could even take his schoolwork with us in the fall.

It is a big job but I don't want any regrets. I have enough of those when my mom and two brothers died. Not severe but just wished I had done a couple things differently.

I would never consider leaving husband and kids to care for a parent.

But let's hear a little more about this situation so others can respond. Many people on this discussion forum have done that and can give you their perspective.

How far between Dad's house and your house? How often will you see your family? How old are your children?

How old is your father, and what stage is his dementia in? Is he at the point of needing Hospice care? Does he have other ailments besides the dementia?

Is it open-ended how long you will stay with him, or are there some limits?

What other alternatives have you tried? Why did you settle on this one?

I wish you nothing but the best, Janny57. I do not doubt your compassion.