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My mother is 83 and has multiple health issues including heart problems. Lymphodemia, neuropathy, high blood pressure and dimensia. She is on countless medications including high doses of oxycodone, and morphine. We four siblings know she should not be driving, but she has a drivers license and she does drive.....she is dangerous but will not a admit or acknowlege it. She also forgets more than she remembers and is hemouraging thousands of dollars a week at the local casino. She is combative and won't discuss anything that we know needs to be addressed. Is there a resource we have to take control of the situation. My brother has POA but I'm not sure how much leverage that affords him unless we can prove she is incompetent. How is that accomplished Where do we go?

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Moonchild, for what it's worth, on cars with coil on plugs arrangement, they can be easily disabled by disconnecting the small wireing harness that goes to each set of coils. If you look closely you will see a snap connector that feeds 12 volts to the coils which produce 20 thousand plus volts to the plugs. Unhook this and she ain't going anywhere.
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We reside in suburban Las Vegas. My 92 yr old Mom who thinks of herself as 'Supreme Allied Commander' in that SHE (& lonely she) can & will make decisions as to what she does. I own the car she drives, under MY auto insurance, yet she considers it HER car.
I've delayed rocking this boat but feel I cannot shoulder financial consequences should any 'issue' occur.
Any aid/suggestions will be gratefully accepted and concerned.
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Leah- When we hear on the news about another person who was killed by a person with dementia who got behind the wheel even though they were not a safe driver, would you still say, "It's her life not yours?" What about the victim's life?
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Leah, are you a gambler? If not please go back and read the original post again, you've missed all the other obvious problems. If you are a gambler, never mind. Everyone back to your regular programs. Thank you for playing!
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go onto your states DMV website they may have a form you can fill out and submit online I believe that Washington state has one you may have to give your information so that they can get in touch with you about your concerns but may give you the option of withholding your name from any investigating that they do.

Another way to go would be to contact her Dr and let him know she is still driving he may not know it and then he can directly get into contact with the DMV and let them know she shouldn't have a license.

Just be prepared she may still try to drive even if they remove her license you'll have to get rid of her car so there is no temptation.
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IF YOUR MOTHERS WANT TO GAMBLE WHAT THE HELL SHE LONELY AND A LIKE THE NOISE AND PEOPLE IT GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO YOUR NOT THERE TAKE CARE OF HER SHE WANT TO SEE PEOPLE NO SHE SHOULD NOT DRIVE BUT IT HER LIFE NOT YOUR
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I feel for you. I went through both the gambling issue...until I flat out of money to cover her debts. She simply would not believe I had limited money and kept writing checks to gamble with. At this point she does not believe she gambled away more than a couple of thousand dollars. Three houses and properties is more like it. I and my children...and she, since she lives with me, all suffer and I work two jobs for us to live. Let that be a caution to you to act.
As for driving she literally said it was not her problem if she killed someone while driving. I told her that statement was proof of her judgement being faulty. ( Mom does not believe she has dementia and thinks one moment that I am making it all up in order to control her or that I am the one with dementia and it is I that forgets things and has judgement issues) Anyway, her eyesight is why she finally stopped driving. She is now legally blind and actually listened to her Doc when he said she is not to be driving. Before that, any time she hit something it was..."the something", that caused the problem. To the point of believing the curbs were even jumping out at her.
My point is do what you can to protect her and stop her now. It can only get worse.
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Negoc8tr, I feel for you! Definitely do all the legal/POA/proving incompetence stuff you can, and do what you need to do to get her license revoked. However, that won't stop someone with dementia from driving if they can get in a car and turn it on. Either they won't remember they don't have a license anymore, or poor judgment will make them not care that they don't have a license and they will drive anyway. Taking away the keys will only make them blame you and resent you for a long time (THAT they could remember, even obsess on, for a long time because of the emotional weight of anger and feelings of outrage and loss of control can impress it on the memory). Physically disabling the car when they are not looking is the best deterrent, because after that, the car just mysteriously "won't work". You can even go through the motions of trying to start it for her and trying to fix it for her, and you can sympathize with her for how frustrating it is to not be able to drive it, then offer to driver her where she needs to go. That way, you come out as the good guy, and she won't have any reason to be upset with you and could become more trusting and cooperative with you. And like "mylife" said, if you want to indulge her in something she enjoys and looks forward to, take her to the casino, but YOU control how much time she spends there - if you think you will be able to get her to leave without a fuss. That might backfire, though, because if she's like my mom would be in that situation, she will tell you to go ahead and leave without her, she can get someone at the casino to drive her home, creating another whole dilemma. Hmmm.... maybe you could take her to play bingo at a local senior center or church. That might satisfy whatever makes her go and gamble - contact with people, playing a game, the excitement of winning something, and it would be safer and more wholesome, even beneficial for her - nice people, more social interaction, etc.
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Negoc8tr, welcome to the club, and so sorry you have to be one of us at the same time. We have a lot of crappy moms here and I will admit that I don't like mine either. One can only take so much abuse. God Bless you in your efforts.
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Thanks for all the helpful answers. I will do everything I can to utilize all the info everyone provided. It's helpful to know others have gone before us. Every parent and relationship is unique, but many similarities as well. I'm trying to keep the right attitude....but truthfully, she was a really crappy mom, and don't like her very much. But I need to put that all aside and do the right thing. Thanks everyone.
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I flat out told my mom that her insurance would no longer insure her, Her mental capacity at that point was suspect and she did not say "how can the insurance company do that" Blame it on the doctors...do what you need to do to get her off the road. The spending large amounts of money every week is a sign of dementia. I would categorize it under poor judgement. It may be time for a doctor's appointment to address all your concerns.
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Just the fact alone she is on oxycodone, and morphine; your doctor must report her to DMV as a non-candidate for driving. Much like an optomotrist must report to DMV if their patient is legally blind and a danger to the road.
With that, DMV will pull her license and give her a state I.D. card only. This will only cure the driving as she will be required to relinguish the vehicle as no insurance company will touch her.
As for her casino trips? Good luck. There are other venues to getting there and back.
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You don't need 2 doctors to tow the car away. My goodness. Protect others from her and remove the car regardless of what she says, does or otherwise. Tow the car if need be, tell her the doctor ordered it and get the dr involved after the danger is removed...
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You don't need 2 doctors to tow the car away. My goodness. Protect others from her and remove the car regardless of what she says, does or otherwise. Tow the car if need be, tell her the doctor ordered it and get the dr involved after the danger is removed...
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You don't need 2 doctors to tow the car away. My goodness. Protect others from her and remove the car regardless of what she says, does or otherwise. Tow the car if need be, tell her the doctor ordered it and get the dr involved after the danger is removed...
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When my dad could no longer be trusted to drive, his car keys just disapeared one day and couldn't be found anywhere. If there are 2 sets be sure they both get 'lost'. If gambling is a sorce of pleasure for your Mother maybe one of you could take her to the Casino once a week as an outing and limit the amount of money she looses. When she has reached her limit just tell her it is time to go or you have somewhere you need to be. Just having a Doctor tell her she can't drive may not do the job. 3 years ago a surgeon said Mother could not live alone any longer. She is still insisting that she can altho she has fallen several times and broke her other leg. She isn't happy but she is mine till she dies.
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Better to take keys or disable car than to have her get hurt/killed or worse yet to hurt/kill someone else. Obviously she is not thinking. If she gets sued money will be gone. DMV notification or Dr. writing incompetence take a while and every day is risk of something happening.
Maybe car needs to go in for repairs - part has to be ordered - can't find part - etc.
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rhastings, it isn't always that simple, new vehicles have something called C.O.P. system, Coil on Plug. quite simply it means that instead of a distributor cap with ONE coil, there is a coil on top of every single spark plug. so you have to remove ALL OF THEM.

i have a V8 engine in my truck. 8 sparkplugs, 8 coils. and man oh man what a btch to remove! they set the fuel line over the top of the coils, the coils nearest the firewall are the hardest to do. my son gave up and didn't even try to remove the last plug. i love my F150, but really Ford; what were you thinking?

nope, nothing is ever easy.
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I agree with taking aggressive steps at this point as your mother just has to be controlled. Call the DMV, call the police, if you know she's out driving, call her doctor(s) or you may even call the casino to see if they are willing to refuse her admittance, but that's a long shot. Take away her keys and pocketbook and maybe even some of her meds if you think she's abusing them. Hurting your mother's feelings or making her unhappy should be the least of your concerns at this point. In her current state, she's a danger to herself and others and strong measures have to be taken. Get things under control and then you can work on getting your mom proper care. I wish you luck. I know this is hard.
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First, contact your motor vehicle dept. since there is a place on the form regarding health and med issues. One cannot have a license with certain conditions and definitely NOT dementia. You did not say what your brother's POA covers, but medical issues are a separate addendum or codicil to a POA. At least the POA should cover financial resources and he shows the bank his POA, signs a form saying there has to be two signatures for her to get money out of the bank. He can also petition the Court to order her evaluated by filing for guardianship/conservatorship. All of this can be done without an attorney and you just pay the Court's costs (in AZ it is about $250). You can also enlist the aid of her doctor who prescribes the meds about her mental condition. Dementia has many causes and it could be a side effect of the meds, a low B-12, a low thyroid (hypothyroidism), she isn't eating proper foods, etc. So have her physically checked out for any deficiencies to rule them out. Then go for an MRI which will show parts of her brain that do not light up. I've been through all of this with my mother and my best wishes to your family. It is not easy!
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If you are successful in getting her license revoked, you really need to physically take the car, too. I know someone who's dad never told anyone that his license had been taken away. He continued to drive until he got in an accident and the police found out.
It's hard to defy your parents. We've spent our lives being trained not to. But, unfortunately, if a person outlives their ability to reason or to consider others in any meaningful way, someone has got to take the reins and make the hard decisions.
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If your brother has POA, then he has the power to have her driver's licensed revoked, among other things. Basically, POA gives him the right to make all decisions concerning your mother. Period. He can probably go on your state's web site for drivers and have her license taken away.
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I have been told the same things...disable the car, take the keys, etc. The car is in his name. Maybe I could be arrested for grand theft auto?!?! Anyway, the doctor can initiate this process...and should...because if he knows she is impaired and lets her drive and she hurts someone, HE could be included in a law suit and so can you...at least that's what I've been told! Check the legal expert on this site. There are companies that do a road test to prove to the patient that they shouldn't be driving. I am working hard to get my husband from behind the wheel. Mechanically he seems to be OK, but he has no idea where he is going! My biggest fear is how he would respond to an emergency...someone pulling out, slamming on the brakes, etc. Would he hit the gas instead of the brakes? Swerve the wrong way or too far? What would happen? It is very, very scary!
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Some very good advice above. A family friend got hooked on gambling too. She would go to a local convenience store and play the slot machines all day. She even refinanced the family home without her husband knowing it and got a line of credit. To make a long story short, she was diagnosed with a fast moving cancer. It killed her within months. That's when her husband found out his finances were a mess and he was in a lot of debt. He found a lawyer and sued the bank successfully. It was a small town and the bank knew her, but they did not secure his signature. Gambling is an addiction and your elderly mother needs your help now. Good luck to you.
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Yes. Go to the state's DMV website and look for "medical tab" -- here you can fill out a form (anonymously if family) stating why she shouldn't be driving. They will take it from there hopefully. I agree about disabling or removing car -- but not always possible. My mom would just call and get it fixed plus call the cops on me. My parents wrote springing POA too and I've yet to get a dr to write a letter even after mom's stay in psyche center, numerous police visits to the house, visit with PCP....I refuse to go to court and drag myself and my mother thru the humiliation. If doctors won't sign an incompetency now for POA; I doubt they'll do so willingly for the courts. I have heard the courts can have the hearing, then delay for re-evaluation for a couple months if the person showstops.
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What are you and your siblings going to do when all of mom's money is gone and you could've done something to prevent it? Get the car keys and the car away from her ASAP!!!! Someone needs to control her spending also. Mom needs help. Please get her off the roads for everyone's sake.
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Here's what you do......TAKE THE KEYS AND THE CAR AWAY. You can sdo that! There is certain liability issues with her driving. She is wasting precious money that would otherwise be put towards her care. She should see a doctor about dementia medication as well as anxiety medications. I had to do this with my father who is now in assisted living for memory care. I took his keys out of his hands and that was that. He did not like it, of course. I know it is your mother, however, with dementia, you are now that parent and must take control...POA or not, as far as taking the car.
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My husband was an unsafe driver and refused to stop driving and when he did drive I was always afraid that he would hurt or kill someone if he caused an accident. His physician worked with me. His doctor told him not to drive but that didn't stop him. Finally the doctor contacted DMV here in NYS and a road test was scheduled. My husband failed it and his license was revoked on the spot. It worked well in that nobody was to "blame" for taking his license away except NYS. And I didn't have to figure out how to disable his car without him being aware, especially since he watches every move anybody makes. I hope this can be resolved soon for you, it's awful to go through.
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you have to becareful about gardianship, in fl if you have gardianship if your parent causes trouble of any kind you will will be responsible for any actions taken.we had to move my m i l in with us by luck its to far for her to go gambling. it doesnt get any easier take one day at a time
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How is the DPOA written? My mom's attorney wrote the DPOA as a springing type, meaning we can't make medical or financial decisions for her until she is diagnosed as incapacitated. Some DPOA require two dr. to diagnose it, while ours required one. Now that that has been done, mom's attorney will now work with us to get a conservatorship because in California, only a judge has final authority to deem someone incapacitated.

As far as taking her license away. We went to the website for California DMV and printed out their form for reporting unsafe drivers. We sent that to DMV (mom's dr. would not report her). About 4 weeks later, mom received a notice from DMV with a form she had to take to her dr. for him to fill out and return to DMV. Another 2 weeks went by and DMV notified my mother her license was revoked due to medical of being memory impaired (dementia). We are currently going through the legal process of getting the conservatorship. In my opinion, this is a dangerous way to write a DPOA because my mom has not been able to handle her finances for several months, in addition to the fact that she is not taking care of herself. The stress it has placed on us has been horrible. BTW, we had to take mom to a neurologist to get the diagnosis for incapacity. Good luck, it is heartbreaking to go through this.
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