How can I make my mother understand, without me having guilt feelings, that I only want to stay with her about 3 hrs.? Whenever I mention that I need to get home because I have things that need to get done, and I want to get home before dark, she asks, "So you're in a rush?". There's nothing that drives me more crazy than when she says that, and it sets up a bad tone for the remainder of the visit.
Mind you, she's in memory care and not going anywhere, but it's a comfort to her to know that I am coming back (eventually) and that I will know where she is. If she has anything to say, I can't be late to pick up the children or they will get kicked out of the club, and we can't have that, right?
Its obvious you love your mom very much. All us women have so much on our plates. It always feels like everyone wants a piece of us. A three hour visit is very generous. My grandmother would be thrilled if any of her children stayed for three hours.
For myself, I use to see my granny every week. But since my dad passed away I find it very hard to go out. I now go once a month and when I see her, she asks "where have you been?" Its not easy. I'm such a pleaser. But I've learned to pull back a little. She has a lot of children and grandchildren. Please do not feel guilty. Let your mom know you are leaving and keep walking. In my heart, I feel I am doing the best I can. Coping with my grief, yet giving her as much as I can.
Before I realized that my mom's cogntive skills were a problem, she would ask things that seemed sort of manipulative or off base. When we'd get in my car, she'd see these little parking meter reciepts on my dashboard and she'd say "I certainly hope those aren't parking tickets!". I'd explain what they were, but she never "got" it.
Maybe she's not being manipulative or nasty. Maybe she's lost her sense of time and of how long it takes you to get to and from her house.
I would tell my Mom I need to get home because I have clothes in the washer that need to be put in the dryer. Mom would nod understanding, she was rarely upset I didn't stay longer. Housework was always a great excuse for me to use :)
Of course, once dementia sets in on an elder, that is a whole different story, as the elder doesn't quite understand they are being rude.