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I've lost interest in everything all I do is watch tv with my 84 yr old Mother. The only place I go is grocery shopping and to all the doctors appointments. All my friend post pictures of them their family's and friends having fun. I'm not going to be this young again and I wish I was married. I don't want to end up old and alone.

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Yes. My ex and I had just split up before I came home. It's been more than six years now and I imagine I'll be alone forever. I'm 64. The ex has already remarried. It seems so much easier for men. Of course, it would be easier for us if we weren't caregiving. Certainly puts a crimp in the love life, as if being older didn't put enough of a crimp.
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That's why I gave up facebook...

Couldn't handle seeing all the vacations and family time my no show/call useless siblings are enjoying..
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your life IS passing you by and its a cause for considerable angst . i stayed six yrs with my mom and it was rough but now shes been gone for three years and i only feel stronger and more personally satisfied for having been there for her . nothing worthwhile is easy .
id like to meet a nice partner too , been single for 15 yrs but none of the women ive met so far have had similar values . i just need one barefoot and pregnant . she can keep her water scorch - ery the h3ll out of my kitchen .
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Captain - is there such a woman - who shares your values? Would have to be a spit-fire! I think she may go for the barefoot part but I wouldn't count on pregnant!
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As long as you continue to put your mothers needs before your own, nothing will change. And yes, life IS passing by and you don't get any of this time back. I both admire and pity your chose to care for your parent at home. I know I couldn't do it. So for today's movie quote I'll use one from Still Alice: "You're a better man than I".
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As I recall Capt likes his women bone thin... So I doubt they spend any time in the kitchen..lol
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Hugs to you, 1LonelyGirl. What you describe could be fatigue. How could you be tired just sitting watching tv with your mother? Ah, boredom can be very tiring!

It could also be depression. I don't man having the woe-is-me blues all caregivers get once in a while. I mean the clinically-my-chemicals-are-out-of-whack kind of depression.

Fatigue and boredom you may be able to fight on your own. Depression may take some medical intervention as well as fighting on your own.

You are wise to be recognizing that life is passing you by. Your mom may need care another 10 to 15 years (or more). If you wait until your caregiving is over to live your life, it will be even harder to get restarted. Take the bull by the horns and grab some happiness now!

Mom may need to watch a lot of television. That may be well suited to her current needs. You don't need to watch it with her. What hobby or interest could you pursue while she is occupied that way? Electronic scrapbooking? Painting? Knitting, crocheting, needlepoint? Cake decorating? Wood carving? What did you used to do, or what have you wanted to do? Ideally think of something you can do on your own at home, but also interact with others about. Find websites and discussion boards for your interest. Show off your creations. Get and give feedback. Much more stimulating than watching the tv shows Mom likes.

And then find some local activities that tie in with your hobby. I recently went on an all-day bus touri of local glass crafting places. My interest was purely as a spectator but many people on that tour did stained glass work, or wanted to get into blowing glass, etc.

If you like to read, join a book club. Libraries and book stores often sponsor these.

Did you used to work? Would you enjoy meeting work friends for lunch? Or having lunch with other people from your pre-caregiving days? I sometimes had phone lunch dates with a friend in another state!

Ah, but what will you do with mother while you are out touring sheep farms that produce unique yarn? If Mom can be left alone for a few hours, you leave her alone. Otherwise you arrange for her to go to a day health program one or two days a week, or you find a volunteer service that offers a few hours of respite once in a while, or you use Mom's funds to bring in a personal care attendant on a regular basis.

You need a reason to get dressed up once in a while. To get a new hair style. To care about your appearance. Nevermind your love life for now. One step at a time. Get started by taking an interest in SOMETHING, and breaking your isolation to interact with others.

This may not be easy. And if you are experiencing clinical depression you may need some help to get going.

Please discuss your symptoms (lethargy, lack of interest, weight gain, etc.) with your doctor. You deserve good care, too.
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My Mom has always been so good to me we get all on really well. I'm missing memories with my kids and that's what hurts the most.
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Thank for all the wonderful information! I'm going to try harder. I am already taking medication for depression. Last year my Mom fell and fractured her pelvis and my dog pasted away I was so depressed. I had a mental breakdown it was terrible?
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It sounds like what you must do is put your foot down and start speaking up. Start walking out and enjoying the weather. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions even get some help caring for this elder. You need not waste your life like this. Start getting out and enjoying your own life. If you've never been married before, and your 50 as you said, it may already be too late to start having kids. The older you are, the higher the risk of complications and even disability in that child, especially if it happens to be your first at an older age. This is what has been discovered through research. It may be too late to start a family, but you can still get married. I think you know deep down what you're supposed to be doing right now because you can feel it from what you described. You know your season of caregiving has come to an end. This chapter in your life has closed, and from your description you know a new chapter has started. When you feel that urgency as you described, this is exactly what you know you should be doing right now. Don't ignore that urgency, act on it before it's too late, because when it's gone it's gone and you may never get another chance especially at your age.
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well i got sidetracked there . there were a couple of women trying to beat my door down . they were trying to get OUT but the thing is -- the door wasnt locked . ill admit being a bit dysfunctional but someone who hasnt even mastered the concept of a door knob should bear some of the blame too .
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It IS depressing!! So we have to try our best to not drown in sorrow...to take mini breaks, enjoy time outdoors, watch inspirational stuff (YouTube is my new line if inspiration). Creating new friendships via social media, on this site, and looking to start local chapter of Daughterhood circles. (HUG)
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Hey there Lonely Girl. You are not alone. A lot of 50's and older are single an wishing for that perfect partner. Do not give up. Dont get sucked in the depression. Doll yourself up when you go out to shop and get out of that house. If your mom is able to be alone a few hours take a class there are lots of free courses offered different places or volunteer at a library or school. do something and smile and sing your favorite hyms or songs. Give praise and Thanks and talk to the folks right here they are awesome. I get down and I am happy that most times I catch it and see it before it sucks me up. Its terrible feeling that way. We look at our lives see we half way to finish line but it dosent mean the race is done. We have a lot of living left to do. So try and keep your heart open and spirit up so when the next options comes he wont pass you by cause you are wallowing in misery and hopefully when and if he comes he'll be worth the trouble and not another source of disapointment or a drain of the good in you. Im pullin for you cause Im in the same boat. Keep your head up and keep positive. And please if you can make a point of getting out of that house!
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Hey Lonely Girl if you dont have children and have a lot of love and patience in your life. Why dont you consider foster care. I mean if you have the patience and interest and love. It not an easy task. But it could be something to do if you have the gusto to deal with it. There are different age group options. Im sure they do counseling. But its a never-ending job a big commitment.
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Somewhere here I lost something.. you say you are missing memories of your kids ... then somehow it turned into you don;t have kids ( I think maybe it got added.. maybe not by you?) If you don;t have kids, you may not be out of luck because lots of the available men in our age bracket have kids.. you could be the cool step mom.. so don;t give up hope! I agree if MOM can be left alone a bit you need to spruce up and get out once in awhile! Not bar hopping.. but try to reconnect to things you used to enjoy ( as others have said) . Even join things like the ALZ walk.. or church if that is your thing. Try for things that may not be "women only"... or see if a park near you offers nature walks.. anything!
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Hey Duck - that's some choice! A hormone engulfed angry teenager to foster or caregiver to an 80+ parent with dementia! Woohoo! Sign me up! - just teasing.
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I'm not sure if I agree that life is passing you by..not completely. Life is what we make of it. I don't consider spending time with a loved one to ever be a waste of time as love comes in many shapes and forms--family, romantic love, friendship, etc. The final six months of time that I spent with my elderly father was a gift that my no show/no call siblings will ever get to experience.
Have you considered adopting a shelter dog? Dogs give unconditional love and walking one will get you out of the house--and possibly bumping into some interesting people. Perhaps you can join a caregiver's support group that meets once a week?
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rain,, you just made me laugh so hard... sorry,, but true!
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Hi Rainmom, So True. Hey a hormone raging teen dont last forever and may not be so bad possibly We all were there but if LonelyGirl is that person she might could make a difference in a life that will bless her in the long run. If it dont kill her or make her lose her hair. I hear you though. I dont know the full situation. If feasible could be fulfilling in longrun if that's an area she is pineing over could be option.
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On the lighter side -- you can always go to the senior center and attract a lot of dates with men. The only problem is they are 80-100 years old and are looking for someone young enough to take care of them. And they want them to do it without expecting any support or inheritance, since they want to leave everything to their kids.
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Yeah JessieBelle, but there is something to be said for being the youngest woman in the room!
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But isn't that kind of sad? I think if a feller don't like older women, then he doesn't deserve one. Older women are too cool for that.
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Lonely girl I am sorry for your situation but as long as you still have your mind and are able bodied there is hope and trust me the times I have felt the loneliest in my life was with a bunch of people. At the end of the day you can make things happen or have them happen to you. Its easier said than done I know but set small goals for yourself. Even if its swiping some lipstick on, combing your hair and going for a half hour walk. Then another goal and another. Please don't go looking for a man though cause nothing scares a man away faster than a woman who seems desperate. Just let it fall into place naturally. Also the future doesn't seem as bleak when you aren't looking so far down the road. One step at a time, one day at a time.
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Thank You! Your help means a lot.
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so far all ive met are old gals who want their late husbands houses dolled up so they can sell them for more money . they can act like a smitten teenager to get that done too . its rather dishonest .
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1LonelyGirl, I am very glad to hear you are on antidepressants. I'm not glad that you had a very hard year and had a breakdown, but at least you are aware that there is a lot of help out there when you are ready for it. Consider carefully whether you might need an adjustment to your meds and/or whether some talk therapy would be useful at this time.

There seems to be some confusion in this discussion thread about your family status. You are single -- widowed or divorced? Or never married? Do you have children? If so, where are they? Or are you just wishing you'd had children?
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If I'm reading LonelyGirls post correctly she is thinking of the children she might have had. LonelyGirl, if that's the case I can only say - try not to. It doesn't do much good to look back and regret, question, doubt the choices we made that brought us to the place we are at. If there can be any positive in doing that it has to be in acceptance and forgiveness - of ourselves and the others involved. In my opinion unless we can move past and learn from our choices we compound the negatives by continuing to let them impact our daily living. What's done is done and no amount of regret is going to change that. So - we must pick up the pieces and with lessons learned go forward making a life with what we have now. A different life can still be a good life even if it's different from the one we thought we'd be living. Small goals, baby steps and soon you are getting on with the art of living.
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For today instead of my usual movie quote I'm leaving the last stanza from the poem The Road Not Taken by my favorite poet. It always gives me a boost when I question my life's direction.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." ~ Robert Frost
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JessieBelle mentioned something that really sparked a thought. Yes, many times older people are looking for younger people who will care for them in their old age, but let me warn you that no one works for free. With so many people hurting financially these days, just struggling to get by leaves you not knowing if your next paycheck will carry you through the next week or the next month. Therefore, no one who's hurting financially is going to work for free because free just don't pay the bills or get groceries on the table among other necessities to the household. When you have more month or week than you do money and you just can't make ends meet, trust me, people are just not going to work for free, especially when so many people are hurting bad enough. Some situations we hear about may involve a relationship where some older man picks up some poor young girl who gets sucked into taking care of him. It won't take long before she drops off and moved on if she's not getting paid or somehow rewarded for her hard efforts, it's just a fact that no one is going to work for free when so many people are hurting to get by. It's kind of like a private contractor, they don't work for free either because they must be able to pay their own bills like everyone else. For example, even landlords won't let past due rent go for long. Anyone doing any kind of job independently is definitely not going to work for free because everyone who does any kind of work must depend on someone else for earned income. That's just how this world runs and there's no changing it. If you do work of any kind, you're entitled to some sort of payment for your efforts, because again, no one works for free. If no one ever got paid for working, the whole world would stop functioning because no one would be able to pay bills or buy anything. This world as we know it would literally shut down. The conclusion is that if someone needing care expects the person they elect to stay and do the job, they better have a plan in place to actually hire the person or that person will most likely move on and find a better situation where they're actually paid for their hard work. I don't know if this necessarily goes on inside families, but I do know elderly people such as men are often looking for someone outside their own family like some young girl they saw in their travels. If he intends to keep her around, he better make some kind of plan and actually pay her, especially if she's already hurting financially and struggling between jobs paychecks, college and other expenses.
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