I've been dating this man and recently movedin wwith him at his grandfathers home. Recently he lost his job temporarily and I have been unable to keep a job since moving in as I was new to town and didnt have anything established before I moved in and its pretty far in the country and emotionally havent been solid enough to maintain good working relationships. I have a history of mental health issues. Nothing severe but...
His grandpa has always been a very hard worker. He homesteads his property on the hill and it's beautiful. He worked in the mines and on the docks, all while clearing and building his bit of land. Now he is in constant pain and has many health issues, but will not discuss anything with his grandson or I.
The reason its the two of us and not any of his children is complicated and the family dynamic is quite depressing. His children turned out the total opposite of him. Sloppy, lazy, broke, selfish, etc. And he is very angry and disappointed with them.
He is always complaining and saying how horrible it is out in the world and adamantly believes these facts he came up with in his head. He blames every bad thing on women working and voting. No jobs, drug use, traffic, seeing women in movies sends him on these tangents... My boyfriend and I come up for breakfast around 9 am and he always says good afternoon and goes on about how awful we are for taking a few extra hours in the morning for ourselves.
We always are trying to get him out of the house (because he can still get around and being a laborer his pride makes him get out) and work in the yard doing little tasks. We are doing everything we can to keep him busy and active and alert and make his last days pleasant. If we weren't there...nobody would be and he'd be getting out and doing yard work anyway and no one would be there to help if he got hurt.
He is getting forgetful and has always been a very private person and distracting. But with us around and his mind slipping more he is always blaming either of us for stealing tiny little things. Remotes, keys, phone numbers, etc just to mess with hum. Or stealing things like a walker he left at the hospital and selling it. Or stealing insurance paperwork he never updated so that we would get his license taken.
It's never ending. And our relationship is suffering badly. My emotions and mental stability is suffering. I am not the kind of person ro harm others...just be very depressed and anxiety attacks. I've lost any sense of who I am, what my goals are, everything.
I'm getting very involved with all the little family he has and its making the emotional distance I was keeping very difficult. I'm not really sure what I'm asking. The only advice I've been able to find is "don't take his violent verbal attacks personally". I'm having a very hard time doing that as I'm already emotional. I'm getting counselling but I just could use some advice. I'm super isolated. I just feel like this would be easier if he actually had dementia or something I could blame this behavior on.
Are you taking any mental health related meds?
Being super isolated and not having a job anymore is not good for anyone's mental health.
What attracts you to you boyfriend?
How old is he?
Has he been married before?
How old are you?
What were you dong before you met this man?
How long have you known him before moving in with him?
Why were you willing to move into such a depressing situation?
This sounds like a rather dependent situation with you taking most of the risks. It does not sound good at all that your emotional and mental stability is suffering. You're very depressed and anxious plus have lost any sense of who you are and what your goals are.
From your description, my advice would be to leave as soon as you can.
Sorry to be so bleak, but this sounds bleak.
CMagnum said it best.
I think you probably know this is not a good situation for you. My advice is to develop your plan to return to a life you will enjoy.
You need to remove yourself from this environment.
You don't necessarily have to break up with your boyfriend, but postpone living with him until he is on his own.
I think you might be getting a glimpse of why his children are not close to him. They are lazy and worthless ACCORDING TO HIM. Do you think anyone could live up to his standards?
Losing things and blaming others for stealing them is a classic dementia symptom. Forgetting where you put the remote becomes more frequent with dementia but admitting that is frightening. It seems much safer to blame someone else. Grandfather is sick. He needs more help than you and his grandson can provide. That is sad, but it is the reality. I think grandson needs to get help from professionals, perhaps starting with the area agency on aging or the county social services office.
But what YOU should do is take care of your own mental and physical health and get out of that environment.
How old is boyfriend?
How old are you?
What's the end game here?
There are other really good articles here. Go to the blue bar near the top of the page and click on SENIOR LIVING.... now click on "Alzheimer's Care", now scroll down to the topics. This will give both you and the Grandson a better idea of what is going on.... then decide what is your next step.
I think you have your real answers about why his kids are not involved - they have already distanced himself from the abuse. And his "last days" may not be just a few if he's still got the health to get up and out and do yard work.
So - you can either handle it and take it with a grain of salt and a lot of detachment and humor, use any of it you can for an Archie Bunker-esque sitcom that might make you both rich someday (well, probably not, but maybe someone would buy the screen play or the book if you could write one) OR there is no way to do it and keep yourself this side of sane, in which case you really do have to get out of the situation.
I'm getting very involved with all the little family he has and its making the emotional distance I was keeping very difficult. I'm not really sure what I'm asking. The only advice I've been able to find is "don't take his violent verbal attacks personally". I'm having a very hard time doing that as I'm already emotional. I'm getting counselling but I just could use some advice. I'm super isolated. I just feel like this would be easier if he actually had dementia or something I could blame this behavior on."
I want you to re-read what you wrote and ask yourself how YOU would answer the question if you didn't know you.
May I ask how old you are?
At any rate, Freq Flyer's advice is excellent, as it all others...but hers is particular good. Look up everything to do with dementia/Alzheimers and ask yourself if you're ready for this.
I'm 63 years old and settled with no other commitments or obligations. One thing you're going to have to understand is if you don't want him to hurt himself, you cannot leave him alone for long. That IS going to ruin the relationship if you and/or your boyfriend like some semblance of a social life. It's you who is going to take on the responsibility of caring for this man if your boyfriend is anything like most men (sorry to anyone out there who is a guy and is doing this on their own...kudos to you) ...but it's usually the woman who takes on the responsibility.
You don't say where your parents are or your family (or I don't recall reading it)....that relationship will suffer if they are around.
I wish you the best and hope you really understand what you are getting yourself into.
Also, remember....he's your 'boyfriend'. Nothing else. That mans when the relationship starts to suffer and HE doesn't like it, you're out. I'm sorry to have to put that so bluntly, but sometimes truth hurts. No matter how much you believe your relationship is good, even marriages break up over this.
What are YOUR goals?
By the way, you mention "his last days." He's 84: unless he has health problems that you haven't mentioned there may be a great many more last days ahead than you realise. I hope your boyfriend and you aren't counting chickens long, long before they hatch.