Live in MIL hates her doctor, makes up exaggerated stories about how awful he is but won’t let me join her appointments. Advice?

Kelly, This is a job for the Mother's Child, your spouse, to have the honors of taking her or being with her for these appointments, not you. Next advise is to email or send the doctor all your concerns about MIL. List them all, and hopefully he can address it as though noticed something different.

Do you have a power of attorney - please get one. Then talk with the doctor and YOU make him aware of all the issues at hand before they talk and try to get information afterwards. Second of all, your husband and you both sit down with her and lay the law down. You are going with her and that is that. If she refuses, tell her she is on her own and tell her you will NOT help her further and it is her problem. Be prepared to do so. It is possible there is an incompatibility and you may need to seek another doctor. Consider that an option but do NOT allow her this behavior. It must stop - now.

The elder mindset is one that you can't change. Best bet for you is to confide in her physician separately.

You have a couple of options but first you should understand that MANY doctors are dismissive and condescending toward patients and DON’T listen. Especially to older patients. They are trained like that.
Option 1: suggest she change her primary care/doctor to one who specializes in geriatrics. And offer to help her find one and fill out the necessary paperwork with her. Her reaction/answer to this will give your answer.
Option 2: explain to her that this is her personal problem and if she refuses to let you help/intervene then please stop complaining to you about it. Add that having an extra pair of ears is always a good idea. (tough love).

As people age and must give up control of certain things they tend to become incorrigible (that may be putting it nicely) or maybe her “attitude” has always been like this.
If she lives with you it is important that she have an Advanced Health Care Directive In your house and on file with her doctor. While filling this out have fill out a HIPAA (Advance Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) naming you.
With you can talk to her doctors and her insurance company on her behalf.
Good luck
Sabrina

Her Dr. may tell her to get another Dr. Your focus ...If she has major medical problems...see her frequently...If physically she looks good with limitations and is meeting her own physical needs...let her continue what is going on with the Dr. and stay out of it. This side of your mother is not new. It is good the Dr. will be tough and not give in....but puts up with this.. He understands what he is dealing with and he is willing to deal with her. When he tells her she must bring you in for the apointment, you know she has something serious.

You got lured and got hit by an emotional dump truck! Unless requested or the situation is life-threatening, don’t offer unsolicited help. Your MiL most probably wanted you on a listening mode and to emphasize with her ‘reality.’

Have you had her tested for dementia?

Make an appointment with a family law attorney and either you or your spouse needs to get Durable Power of Attorney both medical and financial. Ideally that would have been done before she moved in but things cannot proceed unless someone has authority to make decisions for her in the event she becomes incapacitated. It's also time to talk to her about her wishes for end of life, and the attorney can write a Living Will. Until the paperwork is done, I would not engage with her about anything medical.

Have you thought about speaking to the physician directly regarding her behavior? After all, you've experienced her behavior too. The physician may not be able to speak about her medical issues but he should be able to address behaviors? I'm doubting that he is a bad as she says. If he ism then wht does your MIL continue to retain him as her physician? More than likely, is that she does not liking that she can't control him. It also is suspicious that she complains yet she refuses your assistance. Confabulation? Exaggeration? Attention seeking? Why don't you try saying: I would like to help you, but if you continue to keep me uninvolved, I can't. If I can't help you, then I'd rather not discuss it or hear about it." Offer her a list of other doctor's. Her response to that should tell you everything you need to know.

Kelly,
Without a medical POA or a signed(by MIL) HIPPA form giving her Doctors office permission to discuss her medical history with you, it's illegal for them to speak with you about her.
I agree that writing a letter to her Doctor might help to bring some of her issues to light. The Doctor may have no idea!
I also agree that refusing to let her suck you into her Doctor drama may shut her down a bit.
Try going "Grey rock ".
Best of luck!
Hang in there!

Tell her that it is time to find a new doctor and help her find one that makes her feel heard.

I have had experiences that left me in tears and as angry as I could be. This is my health and I refuse to let some jackass think that I will just blindly follow their advice without understanding, this could be the personality that her doctor has. I am the doctor and you just need to do as your told, uhm no, I am an adult and active in my care, so I demand to understand the reasons for any medication or tests that directly affect me.

Give her the solution and encourage change. If she doesn't want to change then you know it is just drama and she is not getting her way with him.

We had the same issue with Mom. No dementia or Alzheimers, but she constantly complained about her doctors. Plus she also only gave us part the story about what was going on, and this became a problem when health issues escalated out of nowhere and cause us extreme stess and compromise her health and care.

Although when this started, my mom was across the country living independently, we put our foot down and told her we were not going to help her unless she allowed us to be in the visit somehow. We did eventually strong-arming her to accept our intervention. Fortunately, she always needed transportation to the doctor, so somebody had to go with her. I had friends go with her to appointments and put me on speaker phone so I can listen in. It was very eye-opening. It turns out it wasn't all on the doctors. My mom would wear the doctor's patience out, beginning her life history with the Book of Genesis and ask them questions and include things that were outside their specialty and the reason for the visit. After 30 minutes, they just wanted to get out of the room because she was ewasting their time with stuff they couldn't deal with. My mom wasn't giving the doctor the whole story about what was going on either; she would lie, omit info, and be all Pollyanna in the doctor's office. I found out that the doctors welcomed my interruption from the speaker phone. I would redirect the conversation and offer up what she wasn't telling the doctor. Plus I would interrupt her when she would go off on some tangent that was irrelevant. Now, my mom got mad, and a few doctors put me off, but I made sure I was heard.

Now, my mom lives with us, and I accompany her to every single doctor's visit. I also have medical power of attorney and general power of attorney. I carry them on me at all times when I'm with her and waive those papers in everybody's face. If I run across a doctor that doesn't like me being there or like my participation in my mom's medical care, we find another doctor.

I hope that you or your husband have medical power of attorney and general power of attorney for your mother-in-law. If not, is there any reason why you can't get that paperwork executed? I've used these papers in Georgia and Texas, and do not have any issues with any insurance company, medical facility, doctor, medical service, or anybody when it comes to speaking to them about my mom. In fact, they call me first now.

My advice from experience is to express your concern, coming from a place of caring and love, but also be highly aggressive with your mother-in-law about being included, getting durable POA for health care and general power, and taking control of the situation regardless of how your mother-in-law responds. If she refuses, you and your husband may sit her down and say we cannot help you anymore or any further without these documents and without your cooperation. You may also tell her that you're not going to listen to her complaints either. If she responds with the "don't want to be a burden/imposition/whatever," then honestly tell her that the current way is already that, and this new way would be better for all of you.

The hardest part will be, as it was for me, to put my money where my mouth was with my mom situation. The change over and inclusion did not happen overnight. I had to walkaway and let Mom end up in a bit of a muddle until she came around. So when you say you're not going to help her anymore and you're not going to listen until she shares or gives up controle, you have to follow through and stand your ground. It's really hard; dealing with my mom is like dealing with an inpetulant toddler. Be mentally prepared. This is only the next inning in the ball game. Even once you know what the doctor says she needs to do, she may not do it; she may openly refuse to follow her doctor's orders or change doctors if necc.
So, commit to what you are willing and able to do.

So no dementia and she's mentally capable? Then I'd be telling her you don't want and will not listen to her complaints about the MD any further until and unless she lets you in on the appts /calls. It's a challenging time for everyone and no MD is going to be told what to do, especially without evidence that there is a cough and she needs an Rx, or to risk an unnecessary X-ray and exposure to a medical setting without good reason. Wishing you luck....

You might want to send the doctor a confidential letter or email, explaining your concerns about your MIL's health, like her coughing, as well as her dementia. I wrote my mom's doctor a note, (my mom had Alzheimer's), before an appointment, and that helped. (I did go with her to the app't., but there were issues that I preferred not to bring up in front of her.)

Your profile mentions Alz/dementia. What she tells you could be all made up or could be real. People with dementia often seem to make up things, but it is due to the condition, not intentional behavior. To them it is real.

It would be best if you had a document (POA/Hippa) which would allow you to discuss her medical needs with the doctor, whether she joins you (or your spouse) or not. If you don't have anything set up, you can still voice concerns either by phone, email or mail. They just wouldn't be able to discuss anything with you.

If you don't have anything signed allowing you access and she either refuses or is too far down the dementia path, you will need to find a way to become her advocate. Even if her dementia hasn't progressed that far. it does not sound like she would agree to signing anything for this. This could mean applying for guardianship.

Save your sanity and refuse to speak with her about the MD situation at all until you have been allowed access to her visits with her MD. Sounds like she is probably exaggerating for attention. You sound like a very nice and caring son in law, but maybe you’re being a bit too gullible.

Get a medical power of attorney. It seems you need to invoke one to act as her medical advocate.

If her doctor is treating her this way, I highly doubt he will treat her that way when you are face to face with him...he is obviously going to play the "Good Doctor" making her out to be the bad patient. I have the same kind of "Doctor"...if you want to call him that...and when I bring my husband along for the ride, he is ever so nice..Ah Huh....doctors can be two faced too...don't be so quick to dismiss your mother's aggravation to him..it may very well be true.

I agree completely with Geaton777 and once a dementia or Alzheimer's diagnosis is made, many insurance companies will give you access to her doctors via email, which is incredibly convenient.

Since you didn't actually witness the call, I'd be doubtful there even was one. Even if you are her medical PoA, unless she has an actual diagnosis of dementia in her records with that doctor, you will need her to sign a Medical Information Release form designating you as her representative. This allows the doctor and staff to give you information regarding her. Without that, they can intake info from you, but not give out any info about her. If you can schedule another appointment with her and doc, preemptively send them a note asking them to please perform a cognitive exam on her. They will do this. If she doesn't pass, and once this is in her medical records, your medical PoA should be active and then you will have the authority to discuss her issues with them freely and get info from them. The telemedicine is not necessarily helping the situation for those of us caring for our elderly. I wish you success!

Are you or your DH listed on her HIPPA form with that doctor, have MPOA, health care proxy or one of the other authorizations in place for her healthcare? If so given that she has some things going on rite now that you have concerns about get in contact yourself (or your husband) seems prudent, you don’t have to get into the conflict claim unless it seems prudent but it may very well be that she is being told what’s going on and it’s something she doesn’t want to face or has chosen to do nothing about and doesn’t want you to know. So when the doctor tells her she needs this procedure and or these meds for instance she writes him off as ridiculous rather than listen to reason or some form of this. Ma he is even suggesting more care, does he even know she lives with you or does she claim to live alone?

Legal ability to communicate with doc or not I would call her bluff, tell her it’s time to change doctors if he’s that dismissive and help her find a new one. This might slide you into being a part of and getting authorization for sharing info with this new doc. She will likely need to go in at least the first time needing a ride etc. Just be careful about your approach, do it in a way that makes the appointment easier for her without making her feel you are running it or taking over. For instance a big problem for my mom is that she deaf in one ear, has 50% in the other and has aphasia now making communication hard so when I take her I sit somewhere in the room that takes second place to her but that she can see me and the doctor can talk to me without turning their back to her and I facilitate rather than “question” myself. We always talk about questions we both have prior and I let her try to answer any doctors questions, waiting until she looks to me to help, direct the question to her if they turn to me and speak over or around her and then when things haven’t been covered ask by prefacing that “we” were wondering or I’m not clear.... to get an explanation a different way when I know she hasn’t understood something or of course when I really haven’t.

Difficult personality or not try putting yourself in her shoes (don’t expect her to do the same for you), sh May just be terrified be it understanding, hearing or not and the only way she knows to cope is fight to keep her head burins in the sand about it. We can be so skilled at hiding emotions and problems from the world and even ourselves as we age. If she won’t cooperate with any of her children or family there may not be anything you can do about it though until something major happens and she lands in the hospital, I’m sorry to say. Don’t take it personally or allow it to consume you, this is a very common problem as our aging loved ones struggle to keep their independence. Good luck

Her doctor can’t talk to you due to privacy laws but you can certainly communicate with him. You can either call or write a letter outlining your concerns and asking him to address them in another appointment with MIL.