Living with the narcissistic parent. Anyone else experience this?

Dimple7, you have described an entire bank of memories I had totally forgotten about my Mom’s Telephone Terror. When I was playing the part of a full-time grad student with a near full-time job, my Mom insisted on calling me, as she did always, when she awoke at 4 or 5 a.m. on Saturday “because upright people are up early.” I was recovering from a young-womanhood filled with serious multiple mononucleosis recoveries that practically derailed my life. I somehow gathered up courage and told her, “Mom please don’t call this early.” She slammed the phone down and never phoned me again, ever. And further, never phoned my sister again, blaming me but acknowledging to my sister that we were both unbelievably selfish. So if I needed familial contact or even to sidestep feeling guilty that I didn’t keep touch with my family, I’d call. But she definitely wanted to “show me” what I had done to her. I find the “I’ll Show You” aspect of malignant narcissism (MN) a sign I have only learned about in the past year, three years after Mom’s death. I am still reeling from guilt over her death, as though I and I alone was responsible for her tormented life and horrific death. This goes beyond caretaking, this is a guilt that is internalized from infanthood onward to the extent you have killed your mother, because you could never comfort her and in fact tortured her by your existence and failure to divine her own terrors and cleverly avert the unbelievable dramas I thought was normal with every Mom (like smashing sets of dishes in a rage). To anyone dealing with an MN, try not to second-guess whether their moralisms should be bent to. It is one thing for a Mom to suggest maybe you should be more thoughtful or considerate (but to show loving behavior sooner or later anyway even though you indulge in polishing your nails), it’s another to throw a tray of breakfast against a wall after a little Girl Scout delivered to her in bed on Mother’s Day because the Scout leader said Mom’s love that. Mom yelled I was “inconsiderate,” and locked herself in her room for three days without a word of it again after emerging. Someone on this site once invoked the question of would God approve of such insidious poisoning of another. As I read, that poison may remain in us for life (as PTSD does), but we do and must learn that air can be clean to breath, as Dimple7 has said. My Mom gave with one hand, and totally hobbled with the other. She seduced and castrated. My parents had money and Mom always made us “tow the line” for the crumbs she bestowed when she could identify with our attempts to be “upright” or to project back to her an idealized vision of herself. I was terrified of being “cast out” as she always, always threatened to disown, or burn the house down, or leave. My poor Dad, who either had shock treatments or a lobotomy in WWII, just was so pathetically helpless and needed comfort himself. Life was about walking on a razor edge and most of the time not knowing you were doing that because a camoflaged animal is not ever aware of their spots. I do not believe this would be what a Creative God or Gods or Divine Mind would have designed, no more than humankinds’ capacity for love and understanding to have been utterly snuffed out by Hitler or the Bomb or psychopaths. If you can look at those models, you can allow yourself Crepella to begin to have inner dialogue about your very real need to reach for clear breath and light and the comfort of sanity others, especially those on this thread, can offer.

I agree about the PTSD. Those sudden and surprising fits of anger keep us so unbalanced, just like the old newsreels of Londoners runner for cover during the blitz. My mother could be over-the-top nice, then incredibly mean. It was the NICE that kept me in line and always hoping that things would be better. However, it is important to remember that the N people operate that way to keep everyone on a string. I must be an idiot, because it took me 40 years to figure it out, but my daughter knew when she was 7 or 8. She didn't tell me until much later that spending the night with her grandmother wasn't all it was cracked up to be. She was paraded around for all the world to admire "my precious, beautiful grandchild" then relegated to a bedroom and TV for the night. She could have visited several other relatives who would have done fun and meaningful things with her and enjoyed her, but my mother always had to come first. I'm so glad her other grandmother was the normal, loving kind with no agendas and a lot of understanding.
Being around more normal people, once I figured out who they were, helped me turn a corner, and I realize what a mid-life lucky streak I had. The trick for those of us raised by a narcissistic parent is to find someone different. I was widowed in 2006 and dated someone "difficult." One day my mouth dropped open when I realized that some of his behavior reminded me of my mother. I almost married a narcissist! He sucked me in the same way my mother sucks people in, and that's scary. I think because we have a pattern of reveling in any good at all from childhood, we may be more inclined to accept good from someone else at face value, which allows becoming a victim again entirely possible. I suspect that's how our non-N parents were similarly seduced. Thank God for a good psychologist! I have learned to be a more cautious optimist. My dad just left one day, and I didn't blame him a bit for this courageous act of self preservation. He told me years later that he might have left earlier, but he was not going to leave me alone with my mother, so he waited until I was well away from home. He really blossomed once he was away, and we have a very close relationship. My mother is still alive, but I just feel sorry for her now. She will never be happy, but that doesn't mean that the rest of us have to be unhappy. If she's lucky, there will be an afterlife that provides understanding to her and a chance to do better. And if there isn't, it's not my fault.

I am grateful too all of you who have shared your experiences. Now, at least, I've learned it's not me and I'm not alone. But remember you can't let your guard down, ever!! Two years after my hubby died, I asked my N. Mother if I had ever really gone against my parents wishes or advice. She said yes--when I married my hubby. I was crushed!!!! Wasn't my own grief enough for her? Of course not. I didn't talk to her for 3 months, only talked to dad & sister about twice during that time cause they sort of supported her. The family now knows what I will & won't put up with from them. Of course, when my dad died I had to be the one that dealt with her grief. But, I did some small revenge when I said, "Now you know how I felt when my hubby died." I didn't cut her any slack then either, just like she did me.

My mother used to winter in FL. and call me at 6AM, in AZ. and say "Time to get up." That was particularly annoying. She can't hear at all now, but she called the other day and talked 5 minutes, without being able to hear me. I can e-mail her, at the NH and that is what I do.

Thanks so much for everyone's sharing. I really appreciate it. It's very helpful to know you are not alone in a Narcissistic hell. I had a frightening dream last night that I was being attacked by eagles. Trying to look up a meaning, something said you are struggling with spiritual growth. So much of me believes (and maybe because of all the guilt bashing in church) that my purpose in life is to take care of my mom. Especially since she is handicapped and in chronic pain. I am completely and chronically torn between the guilt of abandoning someone in need and the pain of being with her. What's really unnerving is how much of it isn't even realized. My beau used to tell me I should leave, but I couldn't. Then when he died suddenly, all my mom could tell me to do was to "go to work". She couldn't stand my crying. There were no hugs, no I'm so sorry. Yet, this was normal. I didn't expect anything from her. I always tell folks my mom is sort of "English". She has never touched her kids or told them how proud she was of anything they've accomplished. You were either ignored, or given a terse obligatory thank you for serving her exactly what she wanted. Yet, once when I told her once that I needed my own life, she ran into her room, called the paramedics, said she was having a heart attack and then proceeded to tell the ER that the reason she was underweight was because I didn't feed her enough. And I just let her. I didn't defend myself at all. I just sat there. Here I feed her exactly what she wants, when she wants it, but she's so picky, that if I give her something with any fat in it, she'll say I'm trying to kill her. There is so much of the N behavior that I've come to embed in my brain as "normal" that I can't really comprehend what's real "damage" and what might be my own problem. I can only see my chronic self-destruction. I have to live with this person, I have to take care of her until she dies. The church lady who comes every weekend always interrogates me if I'm doing my job. Here I normally work, have to pay over $600 a month to be here and take care of her. Now that I lost my job, she thinks I should be more available than ever. I told her I was planning to go away for the weekend and one of my siblings would have to cover (they always refuse) and she said, "Well, can't you just cancel it?" There is no sense in her mind, or maybe even my own, that I matter. That my survival with a job matters, that my personal happiness matters, that I am even real. Every time I see a picture of myself it is so strange. I don't see a whole person. I see a strange distorted person that does not look whole. Yet I don't know how to leave. Especially without a job now, but even with a job, I don't think I'll ever get the guts up to leave. It doesn't matter how many people call me co-dependent or an enabler, I can't get up the guts to just leave. My mom is helpless and very, very frail. She is a N, and I still get destroyed by it, but I don't know how else to survive really. Thanks for all your thoughts.

My narcissistic mother told me 2 weeks ago the following: I do not like you. She refers to my daughter as...your daughter not her grandchild. She told me that she could talk behind my back to 100 people if she wanted. Meanwhile, I just recently moved to be near her 4 months ago. I was having financial issues, and after being here for only a month...she told me to go home. I took my high school daughter out of school to be here. She is miserable and I am miserable and so on a shoe string I am heading back home to where I lived for 30 plus years. Scared yes, but better to have peace then be Bullied everyday by her or my sister who at 65 is insane and have dementia. The two of them together for over 30 days were calling my daughter names and sending hurtful emails and phone calls. One day my mother started yelling at me about window design after having a conversation with her so called 92 year old boyfriend. Told I came into her house and was rude......I am not allowed to talk at all....she controls everything. Well I made my plane reservation and I am leaving this hell.

All I can say is, WOW. I am reading about my own childhood??? I am the eldest of three children. Both of my parents were or should I say are abusive. I'm forty-eight years old and have seen psychiatrists and gone as far as putting myself into a psychiatric hospital in order to get myself "de-brainwashed". I have a copy of my medical record from when I was little and Dad was in the Marines. There is one section that my Mother tried to black out but has since faded. It reads that the military doctors feared for my safety due to failure to thrive and abuse. I was three months old when that was written. It says doctors feared for my life if Mother didn't seek psychiatric help. Obviously, my Mother sought help elsewhere. She was and is completely addicted to prescription painkillers. She read a book on how terrorists get their captives to do what they want, and practiced it on us. I don't remember what the condition is called but it ends with, ".....by proxy"?. Since I was the oldest, whenever my Mother had an illness it fell upon me to take care of the household. She expected perfection in everything. "We are the most horrible children in the world". She has always had it worse than us or I should say me. I still see a therapist because I knew it can't be right. Especially when I've had to endure life saving surgeries and she never came to one of them to see me through. I've learned from life and my therapist that people like that don't think they're doing anything wrong, in fact they believe the opposite. You will never change them as a result of that. However you can choose how you respond or not respond to them. You simply must go into self preservation mode. It's you or them. I choose me. I don't need that kind of toxic person in my life. If she tries to call, I may answer or I may not. Yes, she has managed to single handedly isolate me from my siblings. But my siblings know exactly how she is and why she does what she does. If they choose to believe her version of her fantasy world, then that's their loss. Sorry if I seem to have gotten off track here, but my point is this, you ultimately have the right to believe her or yourself. You deserve better and she is mentally ill. If she chooses not to see it or get help then obviously you don't owe her anything. Take care of yourself and consider yourself a survivor. God bless everyone one of the survivors.

You just said all we need to know, "you can choose how you respond or not respond to them." "It's you or them. I choose me." I need to write those two thoughts where I can see them all the time. Thank you.

I am the lone caregiver of a low level narcissist. She is pleasant and sweet but her needs are the only needs that exist. I feel so invisible as I did when I was growing up. I dread to hear the sound of her walker because the incessant requests and questions will begin. I feel exhausted before the day begins. I am letting my health go because it is of no importance to anyone in the world. I spent years in therapy redefining myself and my relationship with my parents, but when my Dad died my mother got ill and my brothers told me not to bother them. I couldn't turn away. The love we have for each other is real, but we had so many good years that I had forgotten the daily psychic burden of living in a situation in which you are non-existent. Your posts helped to bring me back to the understanding I had once developed. Ironically, the parentification of me is back in its ultimate form. I never married or had children. I surrounded myself with fun-loving fair weather, possibly narcissistic, friends who vanished at the first hint of trouble. I am not suicidal but I do not see any possibility of any meaning or joy in life. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm 52 years old. My mother has difficulty be alone long enough for me to take a shower. I listen to the same stories about people who have wronged her over and over again without stop. But it helps to read of others struggles with the needs of a narcissist.

Dear Randomly22, I completely understand the situation you're in. Even though we were treated badly, and suffered severe abuse, on all levels of growing up, we have managed to still have a sympathetic heart and will jump at taking care of someone in need. Regardless of the fact our hearts and selves will never get the acknowledgement deserving of it. The best advice I can give you is to learn or train yourself to "tune out" and "smile and nod". It seems to me, at least in my situation that the more you engage the worse it seems to get. I usually am humming a tune in my head whenever she goes on one of her rants. Kind of like the one that is from the movie "The Wizard of Oz"when the wicked witch goes by on her broomstick. Lol It seems fitting. I hope this helps you a little bit, or at least puts a little smile on your face. Seems like you need a smile right now. Sending you a big hug. squish

Randomly22, I know what it’s like. And would I be wrong to guess that you know all the life-giving actions you should try (yadda yadda seek help, get out of the house, align with others, attend a church or support group) – but you can’t because a Narcissist’s only target is you and as such you are your mother’s ingested body/heart/lungs/soul. Giving up on her is somehow in a twisted way giving up on yourself and all life was about. You have always dwelled only through or via her eyes, her reactions and her permissions. You cannot let both of your dreams and survival needs die. For me to “lovingly detach” from my Mom while trying to be caring was as though I was turning my back on the very secret survival pact we both shared (but I didn’t know about it). And the pact must be something like this. As a baby, she began looking to me to fulfill every unrealized dream she ever had. Her smiles and approval were heroin to me. Then as I learned to somewhat navigate the world and make friends, every one of those tentative steps was met with her disapproval and “protection” of me against the evil world. This may have been partly her own need for closeness combined with jealousy of me. She’d want to live her own self-realization through my successes, but then she’d get fearful of losing me and cut my legs off, then blame me for not succeeding as she would have wanted to succeed, then torture me with mind-numbing talk (hours and hours and hours). As a child, if you get enough repetition of “evil world” mantras, you begin to believe it. Then you yourself devise all kinds of myths and complex avoidance behaviors. But you also despise yourself as you see others seemingly glide into adulthood and develop self-respect and independence. But the attachment with Mom is the strongest on earth, and if your Mom is a voracious eater of you, what else is there to do but surrender? She who gave you life and is the only one always there for you, how can you walk away from her in any way? Honestly, they are finding that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and such autoimmune diseases are much more prevalent among those with mentally ill mothers. I only learned that recently after having had mononucleosis five times, and finally now, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. So maybe try this. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to move, nor for surrendering to the impossible war. Try loving the person you are that gives over to her and her poison. Maybe once you can appreciate that the Savior and Parent in you isn’t coming from a loser or an emo, but actually is the one force that is very much alive and pure, you won’t miss your fair weather friends. Your other friends are gold. If even one of them understands your inability to turn away from your Mom, I think you won’t feel alone. Because I can totally understand loving your Mom very deeply and at the same time feeling you are crazy for doing so, especially while consciously knowing it is at your expense. It makes you feel like the scum of the earth that you can’t actually take charge. You are not defective though, you actually have finely honed your survival instincts. So respect that, first. And love that part of you. And you certainly should write here, maybe try the writing about your feelings. You won’t change your Mom, her brain is set in fear and bitterness. So let me ask you, do you have anything, anything at all, that you can begin to fill your space with that makes you feel good? Can you tell your Mom you have a new schedule that will mean certain parts of the day you WILL NOT be disturbed? Can you face her anger or perhaps her hardball acts? What do you think will she actually do if you began baby step detachments? Is she suicidal or will she report you as evil to a neighbor? Maybe try to begin to think of it as a board game, step aside from yourself and become a coach trying to help the dear human ravaged little spirit inside of you. I utterly understand. My heart is bleeding for you! We Targets may have under-rated intelligence that I must believe will come through for you. Try re-directing your grief about your lost friends and youth, re-direct away from your fear and despondency of the future, and try to focus on Right Now. Ask your body what you need. Once I was able to do that, I realized I needed fresh air both figuratively and real (Mom was a non-stop smoker). Maybe get a book about Narcissism or read up online. Once you define and understand the shape of something, you can begin to have control over it. You are not alone. Honestly.

PTSD for life are words that really struck home. My mother has been an A1 narcissist and control freak life long. She knocked me across the kitchen and cracked my head open when I was 5 or 6 "because you cheeked me". All kids cheek their parents but they don't put them in a hospital for it. I spent a lifetime avoiding her as much as I possibly could but she still got at me, even when I lived hundreds of miles away.

An only child (there's no other family) I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200km to care for her for four hellish years, purely out of duty, before she went into a NH (Parkinsons & dementia) in November 2012 and still it didn't end, constantly running over there to sort some chaos/drama she was causing.

Last spring she broke a hip, had a stroke 3 months ago and can no longer sit up or stand alone. Her dementia has increased to the point she's out of reality. For a while she's been obsessing about buying another house and have someone live in to care for her "when I can walk" - she hasn't been able to walk for 9 months and never will - and trying to get the phone number of a former neighbour (unsuccessfully, thank God) to see if there's anything for sale and get her a realtor. With this obsession she keeps trying to get out of bed or her wheelchair and ends up on the floor. It's only a matter of time before she seriously injures herself.

Her daily ranting phone calls were making me ill and I've changed my phone number and made it unpublished. I've been careful never to give her my address, just the name of the nearest village as I wouldn't put anything past her. Going forward I'll visit occasionally, bearing the usual chocolates, cookies & treats, but if she starts I say (as I did yesterday) I have to go let the dogs out, poor things have been alone for hours, and I can escape.

For much of my life I've lived and worked in big cities (for work) but I've never been able to relate to people very well, always with some (unrealized at the time) vague thought at the back of my mind that they were out to get me. Of course I now know that that comes from bending over backwards for a N mother but knowing deep down you were only going to get hurt again and again.

Since my mother went into the NH I've bought a wee dilapidated cottage on 2 acres out in the country, just one house across the road, surrounded by fields and forests, just me and my critturs, an old black lab who came from rescue last spring, my mother's little dog & 4 cats. Last summer was a whirlwind of renovations here along with dealing with madam's tantrums/chaos and getting the old house renovated and up for sale. It sold last spring.

I'm finding the country people, along with those in the tiny nearby villages, are a breath of fresh air, honest, genuine and helpful. Of course there are people everywhere who are a bit offside but you ignore those. I'm aiming to do a little homesteading, live a simple lifestyle, grow veggies, canning and maybe keep some chickens.

We've had a harsh winter with a ton of snow and I've only gone out occasionally to get groceries. Come better weather I plan to do a little volunteer work and get to know more of the locals. Perhaps in time I can get over the nagging feeling that people are just out to use/abuse me. Baby steps.

Ashlynn's, l Hope you find your peace and much happiness. You make me want to move to the country and grow veggies. Lovely.

Ash, you and I are two peas in a pod in our way of thinking. And I want some Silkies! :D

Palmtrees thank you.

StandingAlone I'll be 65 soon and have some physical issues but everything being done around here is so I can manage pretty well on my own, though I hire for heavy stuff. I deliberately bought a 4x4 when I moved here. I bought the place, not only for the location, but because it's small, one floor and doesn't take a lot to clean, heat or cool. I'm on a well and septic and taxes are low so it's affordable. Unfortunately it's all electric and this year I'm having a wood stove installed to save money during the winter. Winter has been very harsh this year and my electric bill has been around $500 a month in the worst of it.

Come spring I'm getting rid of the huge jetted (doesn't work) bath tub and installing a large shower, big enough to let me bath the dogs from time to time as well. Re chickens, with physical issues I doubt my ability to care for them properly in winter so I'm thinking of putting meat chickens through in the summer as well as rabbits for me and my dogs. A trio of breeding rabbits could come up to the mud room at the house for winter. The cr*p that goes into food, theirs and ours, is killing us all. Sorry, I'm rambling. If you're on Facebook and interested in this sort of stuff there are a number of small homestead pages I follow and they're very helpful.

As an aside, my name is Lynne. Ash (Ashley) is the old black lab ion my avatar, mummy's baby girl, that came from rescue last spring.

Ashlynne, you've got us all thinking you brave woman you. When I was a young woman I tore up my parents' affluent suburb yard to mega-garden because I had seen Ohme Gardens in Washington state. I loved my dog more than anything on earth. I ran away with a hippyman to start a homestead, but it failed. You are old enough to pull all of this off and methinks you are a role model!

OMG 50s your parents must have had a bird! I have almost 2 acres and, older than dirt with a hip replacement and a wonky back (accident as a child), I'll do the best I can. I have a young man muscle/helper who works in a greenhouse and comes once a week in summer to plant trees and shrubs, heft dirt and so on, plus a friend/contractor who comes to do renovations at a reasonable price so I'm very lucky. With all that's gone on I shut my little online business down but I may revive it later this year.

I grew up with German shepherds. As an adult I've always adopted big ones from rescue. These days I only adopt seniors so hopefully I don't leave anyone behind when it's my turn to go over the Rainbow Bridge.

PTSD for life indeed. Tell me about it, What an inheritance, And until very recently getting triggered by daily events. That HAS to stop - whatever I have to do that HAS to stop. I can't allow it any more - can't.

Way to go emjo! The NH calls me for every little thing and it sends me into a tail spin so now I take the phone off the hook overnight. There are staff on duty 24/7 and there's a hospital 4km away. Couldn't get through? Oh dear, the cat must have knocked it off.

Ashlynn boy we are in the same boat together. I, however, am much younger than yourself. I'm learning from your wisdom. I have multiple health issues and collect disability. My friends have abandoned me as that they tire of having to take my health issues into account whenever we attempt to do something. I am now suffering from severe aghoraphobia and only leave the house when I have a Doctors appointment. And, even then I make sure that appointment isn't too far to get to. I envy your solitude. I have a hubby whom I've been married 26yrs. he now has become my narrsisitic parent. It didn't happen over night, but very slowly. Since his Mother passed, I was her caregiver, it's gotten worse. Nothing I say or do is completely right and he is constantly correcting me every chance he gets. I suppose I started giving him total control out of guilt of him not having the person he married yrs ago. I know it's til death do us part and in sickness and in health. But I still hear my parents words in my head that if I and the house wasn't perfect when he came home from work, he would leave me. Well, we all know that's a load of cr**. My head and heart are in constant conflict. My heart wants to do what is needed but my body can't. Somehow I need to get the two together to make a compromise and find some equal ground. Kind of get them to meet somewhere in the middle and be happy about it. I need to learn to teach myself that what I CAN DO is good enough. Learn to love the person staring back in the mirror. And if that's not good enough for anyone else then tough noogies. Lol. It's a work in progress and I'm taking it one day at a time. Sometimes it's five minutes at a time. It's just that when my MIL passed, so did my reason for being. I was one of the lucky ones who's in-law was more a beloved Mom than my own. I thank God I have this place to go to, where there are others like myself and who understand me. Thank you for letting me get that out. And, Ashlynn, if you ever need company, give me a ring? God Bless.

Emjo...damn straight. Don't allow it.

And Ash, I had an evil little giggle at your last post. lmao

Your posts have mentioned so many things I can relate to. Being told I was the cause of her misery. I'm an only child. My dad travelled w/ his job and was only home on the weekends. I think I was "made" to keep her happy(?) and amused so she wouldn't focus on my dad so much. Back then a marriage was supposed to be "forever" and he felt trapped by obligation. He passed away younger than he should've, and I've carried the burden by myself. Moved out after high school. Kept coming back because of incessant phone calls -- I thought once I was in charge of "fixing" her. Her sibs asked me to do what I could do; they were all older and of a generation that didn't delve into the "why." They just placated her as much as they could tolerate and then looked to me to solve it. They told my dad to "keep her happy." This was an impossible task. He just stayed away as much as possible. Alcoholism was part of her problem too. The cops came to the house often to deal with calls from neighbors about her rages. She'd call anyone she wanted to rage at, any time of the day or night. There was no caller-id back then to screen things. She would rage on the front lawn telling people off. When she had to stay inside it was a micro-boiler of misery for my dad and me. We were told that we were the cause and that people despised us. So, I did not feel that anyone would help or listen. Rages went on and on. There was physical abuse, door-slamming, dishes broken. We had to hide knives and sharp scissors in a box in the garage because she'd prowl the house all night when she was on a tear. My dad (when he was home), slept in a sunroom. I had a bedroom, but the lock and knob to the door had been smashed. Oh, what a story of the time she went on a tear w/ the hammer.... I did not tell anyone anything until I was out of the house as an adult. My mother's issues were kept so well hidden under a perfect screen of "we look nice, we get good grades, we keep up appearances" that folks didn't ask. The times the police were at the house were the only evidences that there was a problem. She would pout and put on the "poor me" routine. She could and still does put on the "poor me" routine. She is 90 years old and still has alcohol episodes, does not know how to -- or chooses not to, maintain her bills and other important life-skills. But, HIPPA keeps her protected and it's a bane to my efforts to get her the help she needs. Even as POA for general and medical, I have to have her "permission" to do certain things. No, she does not live with me and my family; we do not live in a town that is "acceptable" to her.
*Crepella* you are not alone, and I am so thankful for finding sites like this one to speak out and to let others know that they are not the crazy ones. A counselor has been a help to get me to the realization that the Narcissistic issues are my mother's and that I need to set and keep boundaries. It usually works, but I still rip open the wounds sometimes and let the hurts affect me. Professional persons need to realize and acknowledge that we do have a form of PTSD. Our trauma continues as the Narcissistic family member lives on, as opposed to those who experienced trauma in a single incident.
I want to know that it is ok to just step-away and that somewhere out there the parent is ok, but I do not have to be a part of the process to keep them that way. Narcissism is not acknowledged the same way that Altzeimer's is or bi-polar, ect. It's harder to say, "it's just the disease" and live with that. Oh, and one more thing for you all dealing with BPD/Narcissistic persons -- they love upset and they crave creating it -- it's like a balm for them. The phone calls and provoking words -- when they upset someone -- even if they get into an all out screaming match -- it's like a drug fix of stimulant/soother for them and they crave it. It sucks to agree with them that you are nothing but a pile of dung, but try agreeing with them, wish them a happy day, and hang up or walk away. Weird, but it works. Hugs to you all.

Good comment Holly!

Holly, what you wrote is so true. A N thrives on the upset they cause, even as they act like the victim in the upset.

I always thought she was an adrenaline junkie. Can't get enough. So she STARTS stuff with totally innocent people just to get off on the high of fighting. We were at a restaurant and a nice person her age walks up and starts to talk, sooo sweet, and satan turns to me and says (really loud) WHO IS THAT WOMAN TALKING TO?? SHE MUST BE CRAZY. sigh. so she ruined everyone's dinner, she was all sparkly and happy, hahaha, PERFECT day for her. Can't get enough of that crap can they...

Oooh, your mother left herself wide open on that one. Something as simple as "Another crazy person" would have worked. I can think of quite a few answers, each more wicked than the one before.

Dear Crepella: I JUST found this forum and feel like someone has thrown me a life preserver, b/c I thought I had hit rock-bottom last week. Not only does my narcissistic mother live with me (since my sister, aunt and uncle all kicked her out), I take care of my narcissistic niece's kids and finally reported everything to the kids' dr and now I'm the scapegoat and bad guy, so I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL... if that helps at all. I'm in my mid-50s and feel like everytime I try to GET A LIFE, I'm either too exhausted from dealing with all the "victims" in my family, or else all of my friends are dealing with their own life's challenges. I am looking for an Independent/Assisted Living facility that takes Medicaid for my mother because, of course, she has NO money and NO assets and it's all my father's fault (they've been divorced for 20 yrs). PLEASE see my post/SOS for help under a different topic today. When I have a chance, I'm going to read the rest of these responses to your post b/c I don't see my therapist til Friday! She is SO good to talk to. I recommend getting a good therapist.... a lot of prayer.

This has been a lifeline for me. I grew as an only child of two very. dysfunctional people...my father came from a very abusive, alcoholic background, and left home before graduating high school to join the Navy during WWII...at 17 years old, he spent most his military tour on a destroyer in the South Pacific trying not to get blown out of the water. I don't know much of my mother's story other than that her father was a major alcoholic, no money, lot of kids. All I know is that when these two hooked up and had me, I WAS NOT WHAT THEY WANTED. How do I know??? Well, My mother was blunt enough to tell me that she never wanted a daughter, that she had only wanted a son, whom she was going to name David. But when I was born...she just cried for 3 days...had no name picked out...just decided on mine by random. Remember, she TOLD me all this...and I was 10 years old at the time and just curious as to how I got my name.

This has been a lifeline for me. I grew up as an only child of two very. dysfunctional people...my father came from a very abusive, alcoholic background, and left home before graduating high school to join the Navy during WWII...at 17 years old, he spent most his military tour on a destroyer in the South Pacific trying not to get blown out of the water. I don't know much of my mother's story other than that her father was a major alcoholic, no money, lot of kids. All I know is that when these two hooked up and had me, I WAS NOT WHAT THEY WANTED. How do I know??? First of all, my mother made her "god" well-known....and it was MONEY. She went to work as soon as I started Kindergarten...she didn't even come the first day to make sure I was ok...She was also blunt enough to tell me that she never wanted a daughter, that she had only wanted a son, whom she was going to name David. And when I was born...she just cried for 3 days...had no name picked out...just decided on mine by random. Remember, she TOLD me all this...and I was 10 years old at the time and just curious as to how I got my name. All I remember of my very lonely childhood is being ALONE...I was not allowed to go out of the apartment, have pets, have friends, having NOTHING. I was expected to complete all homework and clean the house. If I didn't do my homework, I was a "tramp". Suffice to say, my mother made my life a living hell. I turned to the Church when I was about 12...the only love and acceptance I found was from my priest and the sisters at the convent. I got myself through my First Holy Communion and Confirmation....oftentimes having to walk to church because she and my father would refuse to give me a ride. But when I talked of becoming a nun...OH MY GOD NO!! How will we have grandchildren??? So I did a 180 and found boys...to make a long story short, I married 3 times, divorced 3 times and ended up back alone, just what my mother wanted....someone my mother could completely control (my dad had died over 30 years ago from alcoholism...big surprise). And I jumped at it....I mean, SOMEBODY HAD TO FIND ME WORTH LOVING, RIGHT??? Wrong...I just jumped back into her manipulations and guilt-trips. But it all changed with one thing...she had a major stroke. All of a sudden, I am "the only who ever cared about her", etc., etc. After the stroke and her time in a nursing home to recover, she is a completely different woman.... very concerned and loving toward me. She NEVER told me during my entire childhood, "I love You"...now, it's every night! It is like whatever wall she had built around herself years and years ago had finally fallen...and she felt safe enough to tell me she loves me. Does it make up for the decades of abuse? No...but I am trying to live my life as Jesus would want me to ....to forgive 7 times 70. I am in complete control of our finances for the first time...at her bequest! I truly believe that we need to try to figure out why our parents are the way they are before we condemn them. Compassion and understanding have an awesome way of healing the heart.

I just wanted to thank everyone once again for their posts. The hardest part in taking care of my mother, ironically, is how my siblings treat me. Instead of seeing through her manipulations, they bond with her and put me down like she does. I don't know if this is why I"m also easily bullied by outsiders. I don't seem to have any protective boundaries. I have ordered that book someone suggested called "The Narcissistic Family" and can't wait to read it. I'm going to pick up some of those recordings too someone suggested thanks very much. I just wish I could find a way out of my mother's control and my siblings chronic hatred of me. I don't want to be in this place anymore. I can't believe i have to pay rent, work and take care of my mother while my retired siblings do nothing, pay for nothing and yet chronically put me down. If I could just find a job, maybe I could get the strength up to leave.