Someone suggested I post something about my situation. My mom is handicapped and in serious pain. She's been like this since she turned 50. At that time I moved back home to help dad take care of her. He confided in me he couldn't take it anymore. She is now 87 and dad is dead. My situation is complicated in that, I have a narcissistic parent, but she is in serious chronic pain. Her doctors have confirmed it. The situation has ruined my life in more ways than I want to expound on. Please don't suggest I find resources. I've been through all of that. I am currently reading books that discuss having a narcissistic parent, and they are helpful in reflecting back what you're feeling, but I have yet to find anything that reflects the incredible damage a narcissistic parent can do. I saw one film entitled "Jaffa" (2009) about a family that falls apart after the black sheep of the family gets killed. There was a talk after the movie and the discussion focused around the "narcissistic" mother. I was shocked and speechless because I couldn't even tell the mother was self absorbed. I don't think anyone yet knows how growing up in a home with a narcissistic parent can be so completely and horribly complicated. I have yet to see anyone really define it well, or come up with a solution that the affected child can actually come to hold onto as a way out and still be intact. What I wish for now-a-days, maybe strangely, is acknowledgement. The way bullying is in the spotlight now. I wish parental narcissism was in the spotlight. I wish people would wake up to it. Thanks for reading. Please share your experiences if they are similar.
She wants to talk to me about finances so she knows how much she has to spend, then get a realtor to look for her. Determined she would buy another house and have live in nurses 24/7 (which we can't afford) we had quite the fight.
I don't feel well today, slept in and I'm quite shaky. She'll call again around 4 p.m. and I dread the phone ringing. I visit, I run her errands, ensure she has all she needs and pay her bills but she must stop calling or I'll change my phone number.
I threatened it some time ago and she straightened out but, one more time and I truly will. She knows the name of a nearby village but I've been very careful never to give her my address - many years ago she called the cops on me when I didn't answer the phone!
She has to have someone to blame all of her unhappiness on due to the fact that she never takes responsibility for anything. She is immature, selfish and I believe not capable of truly loving anyone except herself.
Yes, narcissism is beyond damaging. No one really can understand how harmful it is unless you live it. Even my husband who can do nothing but shake his head and feel sorry for me, does not understand it. It is a mental illness of sorts and can be passed from generation to generation. However the narcissist will never admit they are a narcissist. You see, everything is YOUR fault, not their fault.
I have found that children of narcissists will be damaged for life. But, you can learn how to set boundaries or completely disengage with these hateful people. That is what I am doing. I don't think many understand the deep, psychological damage these people do to their children. Leaving them with a terrible burden of climbing out of a deep dark hole.
I feel with knowledge or therapy, you can begin to understand why your parents are this way, that you can't change them and that to wish for a real" relationship with them is like wishing for wings to fly.
I feel sorrow for all of those who have had to deal with a parent of this sort, but two parents (and often there are two) is just a very unfair hand to be dealt. Go to the site "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com" and you will probably see your mother. I saw mine and my father and others as well. You are not alone.
I don't know if there is really anything we can do about narcissism, because it isn't illegal. Anyone watching the story of Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest would say that she indeed was the ultimate in the narcissistic parent, but nothing she did could be prosecuted. However, we know that yelling "No wire hangers" at her adoptive daughter hurt as much as if she had beaten her with them. Who would a child report such an incident to, except maybe in a book written in subsequent years? The child couldn't even go to a psychologist without the parent's permission.
Even more hidden is Mommy Damnedest, who bullies and belittles her children at every turn. If you get a chance, google the phrase. You may find a lot of good information.
Dealing with a narcissist makes a person feel like they're dog-paddling in deep water, trying to keep their head from going under. But ultimately a person realizes that they have been the strong one all along. It is sad that many children are raised by narcissists, who could never give the love needed, but it is just the way of life. The children are fortunate that they only have to stay with the parent 18-20 years, then have a lifetime to recover. If they return to caregive for the parent, they just have to remember who they have become and not return to the shamed child.