Hello,
My parents have been in assisted-living for over eight months and now want to go home. I need to sit down and have a conversation with them about the need for them to remain in an assisted living facility. They still have a home, but it would not be good to go back to it as many different options were already tried while living there. my mom would not let anybody remain in the home.
Are there professionals that would go into a meeting such as this at help to support what the POA is trying to accomplish?
I would really appreciate having a professional with me who could talk to them and help them understand why the assisted living home is in their best interest.
Any suggestions for such support?
They have progressed further in their dementia where they no longer recognize that they can not live at home any longer ..
You could try a social worker who works with elders to speak with them . But they will likely forget the conversation .
You may need to go with ,
” The doctor says you have to stay here where there are nurses to help ( in an emergency )” .
Rinse and repeat above as they repeat the same requests to go home .
Others tell fibs about a water main break , the house has mold you can’t go back now ……etc .
You can also try telling them they are frail and need to be where there are nurses to keep an eye on them .
Again , you will most likely have to keep repeating these things each phone call or visit , because they wont remember
Home is no longer a safe place for them, so they need to stay put until and unless their doctor says they're well enough to return home. That's the standard response given to my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living, and then she'd say she was FINE and there was NOTHING wrong with her, and the doctor was "full of sh#$ to say such things" and so it went. Nobody wins with dementia, and nobody gets their message across to a broken mind stuck in a loop, either. If they want to Go Home, God can pay them a visit and tell them they have to stay put, and an hour later, they'll be asking why they're not going home?
When I worked as a front desk receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living, we had a husband wife couple who'd been doctors before dementia set in. Every evening when Sundowning set in, Lois would knock on the door to the lobby. I'd let her in with her notebook and pencil. She'd say what she said every other night: please call a cab to come pick up me and my husband tomorrow morning after breakfast, what time do you think would be good? We're going home. I'd tell her 9;30am and that I'd arrange the cab for her. She'd scribble something in her notebook and then wonder out loud how all their belongings would fit in the cab? I'd assure her it would all be handled, and to go back to the comfortable living room area for dessert.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
Your plan for backup is a good one!
What is your main aim?
To convince yourself? Or your folks? I think you are already convinced, yes? As to them.. Will it convince them? If so, for how long? A day, a week, a month?
Obtaining an authority figure, someone in a name badge & lanyard. A meeting you can refer back to, name-drop for ever more.
Yes I CAN see the use in that - for you.
Who do your folks trust? Their Doctor? A Faith Leader? A Social Worker? Someone they know well? Or would someone unknown to them be better? Someone experienced & with a firm manner?
Someone not connected to the current AL would be best.
Maybe a non-proffessional? A friend who could.. ahem.. even talk up how VERY LUCKY they are to get into such a well known place. People are on the waiting list you know.. Then watch their pride swell as you casually say "Well M & D CHOSE this place themselves!"
Is that too fib-like for you? Too emotional & manipulative?
If you are more a facts person - use facts.
Folks. You are old. Fact #1.
This is a good place Fact #2.
You are staying here. Fact #3.
You are acting POA so you should now enlist an elder law attorney to attend with you or a social worker, to let your parent know that this is where they now live. The admins will have access to tell you who might help with this conversation.
Your parents see you as their "means of escape" as "the rescuer" as the "person with the keys". That is going to mean this will be ongoing. Perhaps forever, dependent on their ability to understand.