Has anyone been able to maintain a healthy relationship with siblings who have ignored your requests to help with Mom and Dad?

How old are your children?

17, 22, 25. They have a couple of uncles and some cousins in the area. The 4 of us have done all of the caretaking, or have organized others to do the caretaking. Most of our requests for help is ignored by family.

That makes life a bit easier! - they're old enough to make their own choices and develop their own relationships. You don't have to feel responsible for what they think of or decide to do about their uncles, aunts and cousins.

Which means, you are free to divorce yourself from your siblings if you like; but do at the same time try not to badmouth them to your children or force the children to take sides. Let the children come to their own conclusions.

I'm afraid I can't advise on rising above because I failed to, utterly, and now have no contact with my siblings. But as far as I know, my three children are still in regular touch with their cousins and Facebook friends with their aunts.

Yes, thanks countrymouse. You make a good point about not bad mouthing them to my kids. Absolutely right. I'm ashamed to say that I've done that, but I'll try to stop! They don't need that stress.

Don't feel bad about it! - they're also old enough to understand that sometimes people don't speak moderately when other people have got right on their nerves! But it's fairer if you can avoid it.

Seven kids in my family. The four girls looked after Mom. One brother visited her often, in her apartment and in the NH. He and his girlfriend played cards with her. His own mental health made him unsuitable to do decision-making for her, but he was a wonderful visitor. Another brother was dealing with throat cancer the years Ma was in the NH and he lived a couple of hours away. He made the trip to see her every couple of months. The other brother? He had a young family and he was extremely active with them. But all of us girls thought he could/should have made time for his mother, too. I don't know why he didn't. We asked him for 2 hours twice a month, to drive Ma from one sister's to the other, for respite. I think he did that twice in 14 months. His four kids are my nieces and nephews. His wife is a lovely person. He's a decent guy, too, except for this strange lapse. Cutting him out of my life would be a loss for me, and would change nothing about him. So we go on as before. Last week I chose to sit at a table with him at a graduation party.

Each of my sibs and I got to choose our level of involvement in our mother's care. For the years my mother's needs overlapped my husband's dementia my own involvement was limited. Taking care of my husband was a "good" reason to be absent, my brother's cancer was a "good" reason. I don't know exactly what the absent brother's reason was. I don't think I get to judge whether it was a good or not.

Exemplary rising, Jeanne! :)

My sister the nurse lives 7 hours away. My brother lives another 7 hours away. Brother (oldest) wont even call dad unless it is birthday or special day. He wont even visit with dad when dad drives home to see relatives. My sister will visit dad if they are back home a the same time or she allows him to visit once or twice a year if he (81 years old) drives to see her. Yes sister helps with his cell phone and helped once with a car repair but that is it. He does call her and she calls him often so they have a good relationship. She will call me and tell me how his medical concerns should be when he is in the hospital and what the doctors need to do. I let her believe I am listening. So suffice to say I have no relationship with my siblings. Dad will call her and ask medical advice but never ask me. "Oh well, he only lives with me, but".....
I tried asking for help after moms funeral but once the dust settled everyone was gone. My daughter lives with us temporary/permanent? She is good with dad, she goes to church every Sunday with him and treats him well. It is good as she is the only grandchild to do so. I try not to talk of my maladies with my father. I had to explain once in a while what my issues are but I don't want her to have the same. Having my daughter have a good relationship with her only grandfather is important. I have just placed myself with the fact I am John Wayne here. Once that settles in I will be much better for it. I have advised my sister tho if and when he gets sick she will be up... since she is the nurse. I am sure that wont happen but I digress.
I do wish I had the conversation when Mom died and I took this role on about sharing. We. Sister did say "yes, 3 months with me, 3 months with you".... That hearkens back to the summer day when she conned me out of the bigger bedroom when I was a kid. All these years later and I am still gullible. If I had to do it over again I would have put it in writing......

suzeeQ - In a word "No." but it wasn't healthy to begin with.

Has anyone been able to maintain a healthy relationship with siblings who have ignored your requests to help with mom and dad? Like SuzeeQ, I am really interested in hearing about them.

I think it is important to remember that everyone makes different chooses. My husband and I choose to have my mom, stage 7 Alzheimer's, live with us. Others on this site choose to place their LO in a facility. Some siblings want to be actively engaged in caregiving, others do not. Some people visit their parents often, others do not. I try to remember that my way is not necessarily the best or right way. I also try to remember that my choice does not dictate my siblings choices. Just because we have chosen to have mom with us does not mean they must help us to do so. We all should just honor each other's choices.

Grammyteacher, that's a healthy perspective. I might be muddying the waters by mixing issues. There were problems with the recent clearing out of the family homestead that resulted in my one brother's girlfriend at the time, now wife, walking away with my grandmothers china and silver, among many other things. I was really close to my mom and grandmother, both of whom lived there with my dad. This is probably really materialistic of me, but I wasn't over that whole wretched scenario of that awful day when we were clearing out the home. I am judging them. I think it's awful to go and take some very fine furnishings and not support the person who gave them to you when they're struggling with serious health issues. This is very challenging for me. That was the home I grew up in. They are older and grew up in another home. I can hardly look at them. I like what you've said though, and am inviting more responses along those lines. It seems like a very healthy perspective. I am REALLY trying to get through this without it making me bitter!

No. Here as well. Daughter with parents 82, 84 both with dementia and other health issues, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer recoveries. I am their POA, took care of them physically until I was able to get them to memory care closer to where I live. My brother has some health problems as well as substance abuse issues. Ironically he was a nursing home nurse for many years. I get that he's unable to help but it would be really nice if he would call me or send them cards, letters, flowers or whatever with some regularity.

I have 4 brothers and 1 sister. The two older brothers never call or visit mom but they want to handle mom's finance. 1 brother lives in another state and cannot take care of mom. The other brother takes care of mom a couple of weekends when we visit my sister, to give me a break. Four of them lives in California. Mom lives with me and I'm the only one that takes care of her, we live in Chicago and visit twice a year. Lately, whenever we visit my sister she's always busy. Needless to say I'm stuck taking care of mom, I can only go out and visit friends or other relatives if someone can watch my mom for me. I get very upset because I needed a break and no one seems to help. Everyone is busy with their own life, taking vacations and I can't even go!! It's so frustrating! The two older brothers disown me and my sister because we didn't give them access to mom's bank account. My sister has the POA and has the joint bank account with my mom. I think that the four of us siblings should take turns on taking care of mom!

In reading everyone's answers, SuzeeQ, it occurred to me, for those like myself, who resent their siblings for not helping with the care of a parent or parents...that my resentment takes away from my ability to be fully present with my mother in love and appreciation.

My soul screams out for the rejection, I know she cannot help but feel––don't they realize how fleeting the time they have to spend with her is now? !!! Expletive, expletive, etc.,

When I was a child my mother read to me from the Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, and as far as I know, she read it to my two older sisters and my brother as well. When my mother read, "On Children," I remember it made my heart ache without my fully understanding why, and now as an adult I do.

Your Children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

There are other stanzas, but what I have shared here is what comes to mind, every now and then, when I work myself into righteous anger over what I view as my sibs lack of gratitude for the angel, that gave birth to us, and set us all free from any obligation, almost from the start.

It will take practice to let go of any and all resentment towards my sibs, and I suppose it does not matter if I give them ultimatums or create ones in my mind. The only thing that matters is my relationship with my mother. While she may not be able to visit me in the house of tomorrow, she will always be with me in the mansion of the heart.

So thank you for posting here SuzeeQ, because, it made me realize that I am not going to waste anymore of the precious time remaining with my mother, resenting my truly worthless sibs.

:) Just injecting a little humor.

I gave up and don't tak to them anymore,,, for 5 years they came and helped or talked 20 minutes and eft the only time they call is if they want money,,, so I gave up

I am afraid I have no other words than you are not alone. knowing this is not unusual, although sad and frustrating, is also a source of support. I have lost my parents to dementia and incurred their anger and mistrust carrying out my duties as POA. I also have no relationship with my siblings because they do not agree with me.

I really feel for you. I can't relate to the children aspect although I understand. But falling out with my siblings for the same reason
Means my nieces and affected. Trouble is we are in a way bullied by our siblings because they know the soft one in the family .
This means or can mean we don't want to hurt others.
I'm afraid it's the way we were brought up or maybe our nature or a mix of both to be the pleaser
I am 64 this year and made the decision now that if I'm alone. Then so be it. Maybe my nieces will understand when they go through this that my life was worthwhile too! Good luck to everyone in this position

I am in the same situation. I have 2 older sisters but I feel like an only child because they have never helped with my parents. One is here in town the other is out of state. Both have had a strained relationship with my parents over the years. The only reason they talk to him now is because he sold his house after my mom died last year and has money. Luckily I have POV and my name is on all his accounts. I know there will be no relationship with either one after my dad is gone. Sad state of affairs.

I moved near my brother and sister-in-law. I needed help so I packed us up and moved after I found a job in the area. I think it's great cause we all get to see each other and the parents get to see their grandchild grow up.

My sister on the other hand lives far away and can't do much from afar. She does come and visit every now and then, but she is pretty busy with her life. I chose to take care of my parents the best I can--I don't blame her for my choice. It's something that I thought was the right thing to do, so I don't hold any resentment.

It is very sad. I wish you all well whatever your choices. I came from a very religious family and I guess I am doing what I do a little in fear of the consequences because of my upbringing not necessarily my own beliefs. Complicated. Still I hope that if their is a God I will have done the right thing anyway so it's win win !

First, I feel your pain. Sibling rivalry and other dynamics don't stop when we turn 21. (Or 31 or 41 or 51 or 61 or ....).

What I have continued to learn is that priority #1 is to have a good relationship with myself, which means not repeating stories to myself that upset me. Even if the stories show every evidence of being accurate. Example: "What a jerk that she won't even bother to send a card" is only going to fuel my anger. It's a choice I don't have to make. Sometimes I'm able to just drown out that soundtrack; sometimes I edit it. Example of edit: "What a shame that they really don't understand how much they and their contact mean to Mom". Or "I wish I could find a way to help them find the joy of sending a card every month instead of trying to ignore and avoid the guilt of not contributing in bigger ways."

Point being -- What other people do or don't do does not have to determine the quality of my life. What DOES determine that quality is what I choose to focus my mind on -- the stories I'm telling myself over and over. My subconscious mind thinks of that as instruction and begins to seek out evidence to prove I'm right. I'd rather be right about the sadness of people just not being very aware than about the resentment of them being inconsiderate or worse. I can maintain a relationship with someone for whom I feel sadness; it's much harder to do that with someone for whom I feel resentment or anger.

Knowing that I can't change my siblings is one part of the equation. Knowing that I am ridiculously in charge of the quality of my own life is the second and far more powerful part. And it helps for me to remind myself that it was me who chose to have Mom living with us and if she eventually requires AL or NH placement, it will be me making those decisions. No one else to fete or fault. I made the choice, knowing that they live in other states, have busy lives and other challenges of their own. It's a bit harder with my sister who is local, finding the balance of her participation. She did not volunteer for the caregiving role, yet when our jobs moved us to the same area where she lives, she has been a rock about providing respite care. Sometimes I have to edit that story, too. Instead of "does she really think giving us space for a Saturday night date equals the balance for all the nights I'm up at 3 AM with bathroom duty?" To "with all the 3 AM bathroom duty I pull, it is a real treat to occasionally just have night out -- or the occasional weekend or annual week off -- with my husband." So my relationship with her is remaining strong and growing stronger. My other siblings are doing the best they can by the lights they have, and I'm healthier, happier, and more energetic when I accept that and focus on what I can do to take good care of Mom without totally giving up my own life. It's really a pretty simple mind shift, but I'm amazed at (1) how I resisted it for so long; and (2) the enormous improvement once I began to make it a habit. It's so freeing to not let their deeds or non-deeds be in charge of my emotions.

Oh, final interesting fact: There are studies which demonstrate that an emotion will not last more than 90 seconds unless it is fueled by a "story". So on days I'm feeling resentful, if I can use those 90 seconds to really focus on a non-hostile story, the emotion will have evaporated and my day can continue in serenity

This is such a common thread with families. I have, alone been caring for my mom. My sister who lives right here in the same city has always said she is "too busy" when I have asked for any help. Now that mom is in a home, as I still work full time, I go visit her (and all of her new friends at the home) at least 5 days a week. They are all glad for the company and attention. My sister has gone one time this year, and told a sibling back east that she doesn't think mom knows who she is, so she will just let me keep "doing what I do". I resent her immensely. Mom helped us all throughout our whole lives. Mom can't tell me who I am either, but is just happy having someone to visit with. Mom has only been in a home 1 year, but I have been the one at her home helping for the past 9 years. As mom will probably never have contact with that daughter again, I certainly hope I never have to either.

Just yesterday I asked eldest brother in law to visit his dad so that my husband and I could get away and know that his dad would be visited by his eldest son. BIL said he's too busy. This is the same BIL who always says "Let me know how I can help." I agree that people make their own choices. I'd rather BIL just stop with the empty talk and pretending he cares. That would feel less insulting.

I love the poem by Kahil Gibran. So true.

Many of us are here on this forum because we DON'T have support in caring for our aging parents from our sibs. I have long since given up trying to figure out why, in my situation, this is so.

I don't "love" my mother, as I know my children love me. I feel obligated to her. Period. I adored my daddy. Perhaps this got in the way of my attaching to my mother, or perhaps it is simply that she checked out so early in my life. She was that way with all 6 of us kids, to a degree. She had her favorites and made no bones about who they were, and why (I obviously didn't make the "cut").

Of the 2 faves, one is dead and one graces mother with a phone call from work (that keeps it short, by necessity) and the rest of us can flap in the wind. If I show up to help, there is a lot of fake gratitude and then the inevitable ?? as to where the other sibs are, what is going on in their lives...I'm just a walking newsletter.

I don't resent my sibs, really. The 3 off board ones will show up with money when needed and that is all I expect or need. Mother lives with youngest brother, with whom she has a very sick and convoluted relationship. Again, I won't ever figure it out.

My older sister simply put it this way, last time I called over some concerns "Call me when she dies. Other than that, I will throw money at ANYTHING, but I will NOT cut into my busy life to do a single thing for her. She was a lousy mother and grandmother. She's reaping what she sowed." So, Ok. I respect that and call only to chat.

As much as I NEED my sibs to be my support and friends, I cannot rely upon them for ANY help re: Mother.

I'm still working on letting anger and sadness go---we were all close as kids, but now, not so much. No family parties, no get togethers, no dinners out. Mother's fading life has sucked the joy out of being together, even when she's not there.

I don't think this is unusual. I'm sad, at times, about it. I do not have many friends, and always thought my sibs would be my friends when I got older. Not so.

I just hope and pray that I will NOT become like my mother and have my kids split into factions over what my care should be. Or worse yet, just ignore me.

I think it is virtually impossible to have a healthy relationship with siblings that do not help, (if they live in the area and have the time). In my opinion, some of the non-helping siblings may have undiagnosed personality disorders, such as narcissism. Lack of empathy is one of the major signs of narcissism. Many of our non-helping siblings lack empathy for all of the long hours of caregiving work that we do. In addition, another sign of narcissism is self-entitlement, and when the parents pass away the non-helping siblings are back on the scene to claim their inheritance with lightening speed. The same siblings that "don't have the time" to help with their elderly parents, do indeed have the time when it comes to themselves, i.e. (their inheritance).

Whitney--
Nail on the head!!
My MIA sibs don't have a second to help mother, yet all find time for extended vacations and long golf weekends---brother installed a beautiful pool in his yard 3 years ago and has never extended and invite to me to come enjoy it (I live 1 mile away). Sister routinely goes to Europe and Hawaii with family every year, but can't drive 15 minutes to clean Mother's windows.

I'd never thought of my sibs as being narcissistic, but they learned from the best! Maybe there's some truth to that. I was always told I was "good for nothing but cleaning" and maybe I internalized that. Hm. Words to ponder, for sure.

1) have no expectations. 2) accept people where they are: some of us are able to step to the plate and others are not and some in the middle--we each have our role. 3) as I have gotten older I have found I don't want to expend the energy to carry anger and frustration...let it go. 4) find a support group to help you with this process. You are not alone.

Hello suzeeQ, I think you are in a difficult situation. I have been caregiver of my mother for five years (part-time basis) and two years with her living with my husband and I.

I have two brothers. One helps if we go out-of-town and will stay here with mom. My younger brother does nothing, rarely calls or comes to see mom. His daughter was here for two weeks from NY and they managed to visit mom for less than one hour during that time.

My relationship with the younger brother is very strained. It will never be what it used to be. He has refused to help numerous times even when I felt very stressed.

Here are my thoughts regarding him and his decisions not to participate: 1) he is selfish 2) he has turned his back on me, more importantly his mother 3) people find time to do what is important to them 4) It is a waste of my time, energy and effort to attempt to get him to understand.

He lives less than 15 minutes from here, has two grown children out-of-state, his health is good, he works full time. I feel he simply doesn't care. I feel sorry for him, he is the one missing out on life.

I hope this helps. You cannot change other people, that is a definite.

Here is a poem that mom gave us 4 kids years ago, she is 90 now, dementia and in AL. To My Children When I spill some food on my trousers or nice clean dress or maybe forget to tie my shoe, please be patient and perhaps reminisce about the many hours I spent with you. When I taught you how to eat with care, plus tying laces and your numbers too. Dressing yourself and combing your hair. Those were percious hours spent with you. So when I forget what I was. about to say, just give me a minute or maybe two. It probably wasn't important anyway, and I much rather listen to you. If I tell the story one more time, and. you know the ending through and through, please remember your first nursery rhyme when I rehearsed it a hundred times with you. When my legs are tired and hard to stand or walk the steady pace that I would like to do, please take me carefully by my hand, and guide me now as I ofen did for you-makes sense doesn't it?