Has anyone been able to maintain a healthy relationship with siblings who have ignored your requests to help with Mom and Dad?

Here is a poem that mom gave us 4 kids years ago, she is 90 now, dementia and in AL. To My Children When I spill some food on my trousers or nice clean dress or maybe forget to tie my shoe, please be patient and perhaps reminisce about the many hours I spent with you. When I taught you how to eat with care, plus tying laces and your numbers too. Dressing yourself and combing your hair. Those were percious hours spent with you. So when I forget what I was. about to say, just give me a minute or maybe two. It probably wasn't important anyway, and I much rather listen to you. If I tell the story one more time, and. you know the ending through and through, please remember your first nursery rhyme when I rehearsed it a hundred times with you. When my legs are tired and hard to stand or walk the steady pace that I would like to do, please take me carefully by my hand, and guide me now as I ofen did for you-makes sense doesn't it?

Opps sorry it posted twice just to let all the caregivers know that "we" know that were doing the right thing and our siblings that don't help or call will one day "regret" their actions. I to am going through it
Blessings to all.

I love how lindabf worded her response. I wish i was that articulate.

I try to remember not everyone is mentally equipped to do everything. Also some children did not have a good relationship with their parents.

I choose to accept they do not have it in them to help. Like they don't have brown eyes. For example, one of my children blames me for her stepfather having Alzheimer's. She is not speaking to me right now except to talk on the lightest subjects. How is the weather? The hens are sitting on a nest.

Remember, you are chosing to take care of your loved one. It is a choice. They choose not to.

Do your best and leave the rest to God. In the end each of you will receive your just rewards. If you choose to not maintain communication with them, please allow your children to make their own choices. Children will see everything clearly without needing to be influenced.

I loved what you wrote Lindabf!! Truly thought provoking. I am one of 4 daughters. My dad chose to move from his state to mine so one of us would be close by. Out of the 4 of us, I and my older sister are closer to him and can handle him better. No he wasn't a perfect dad..he had his faults. But I chose to be the one to accept his move.
My older sister (I'm #3/4 girls) and I are very close and she lives about 4 hours away. She and I are are joint POAs for dad. Although I handle most everything because of location she is my back up, my sounding board, support etc. helps with decisions and comes to visit and calls dad often. The other two sisters didn't have a great relationship growing up but both live a long distance away (12 and 20 hours). They both fly out to visit annually, send cards and call him occasionally.
I do feel resentment when things get rough and I think of them going about their normal lives without a concern or care. That isn't even rational thinking but my therapist said it's very normal. Just thinking it helps me and then I let it go as I know it isn't something they do intentionally as they don't even live here. One thing I began doing after the first year was send out email updates of what he was going through, or doing. What I was dealing with, my emotions etc. it helped them to realize it isn't easy and they thanked me for it and said it helped them to understand. They at least tell me they appreciate me.
The world isn't perfect, so just realize that someone will always step up to the plate more than others. Either due to circumstances or apathy on the part of the slackers. What matters is YOU and feeling ok with your decisions.
As far as respite time...if your parent lives with you, then get a respite bed for them in a facility and take a getaway if even for a long weekend. Or hire help in. It will help with the resentment.

Agreed, lindabf has an excellent perspective. And worded it beautifully.

A tough goal for many of us. Yet a worthy goal.

One night a few months ago, I nearly wore out Google looking for a drug that would stop my "rumination." FAIL. There is none! Which I kinda already knew. 🙄

Blackhole,
The drug to help stop rumination is the internet.
Lol, you found it in the search bar! Lol!

I am a caregiver for my mom and my husband. My siblings also do not help out with my mom, but I figure that's on them. If they can live with themselves and not caring about their own parents, then I really don't need their help. Care giving is not easy, but I figure, neither was raising children. I do what I do, not because I HAVE TO, BUT BECAUSE OF MY LOVE AND RESPECT FOR MY MOM. If your siblings don't care about being there for their own parents, what makes you think they would be there for your kids. Let your kids have you as their example, of someone willing to give of themselves out of love for others.

When my dad was alive, I was so angry. We had terrible cycle of fighting and then forgetting and this went on till m father passed away. I still have issues with my three siblings. But the anger went out of me after my father died. I realized how horrible it was that it took my father's death to force me to find other ways to relate to my siblings. I was never good at boundaries or expressing my needs and wants. With our mom, I hope to do better in the future. Our relationships with our siblings are the longest ones we will have in our lifetime. If possible, I think its worth it to try and save that relationship but sure isn't easy sometimes.

Nope and do not try any longer. Too much energy and stress. Now have ex-sibs. That is much better for me instead on the endless hoping things could change. It was exhausting.

I have enjoyed reading every response. This is great therapy. You all are magnificent. I mean that! Thank you for your thoughts. Hugs.

For whatever it's worth, I'm studying Marcus Aurelius, and he said something like 'many people go to the mountains for respit, but you only have to look into your own soul to find the best respit.' Im paraphrasing here, but I think this is good advice. Best, suzeeQ.

You asked for coping mechanisms. I had to step back and categorize my siblings by strengths and weaknesses. I have one that is helpful in hospital emergencies but not good at committing to any kind of regular visitation or household chores. I have another who isn't good in emergencies but will host holiday dinners. He is also reluctant to commit to visits. Guilt doesn't work on either of them and they have no desire to help me but they do have other motivators. A third sibling is less selfish but lives in another state. She will visit but is being pulled in several directions at once. If you want to maintain relationships you have to 1)accept their limitations, 2)give up trying to control them, 3) suggest ways they can make a contribution based on their strengths, and 4)praise them for their efforts. Remember how you motivated your kids? Still applies.

Dear SuzeeQ, two years after last parent passed on, I am still struggling with the aftermath of the severe hits my financial situation had to take in order to do that work for both of them. My sibs act as if I deserve to live in poverty now because it was "my choice" to provide my parent's care at home. When children see their cousins able to go on cruises, ski vacations, Disneyland, etc., it is painful to see the bewilderment in their eyes. The only way I can interact with my sibs now, is superficially, cheerful and light, within time limits, dealing with my own feelings afterward, to heal and release, so the bitterness (abandonment/lack of support) doesn't damage me. It also helps to read up on narcissism. I think that's what many of us are dealing with -- sibs who are completely caught up in narcissistic modes of living. Whether they'll ever be held accountable for their soul choice in this life, is not my business. My business is to make the ethical and loving choices for myself, and follow through with what I wish to be accountable for.

If you're a fan of Marcus Aurelius (good chap, by all accounts, good choice) you might also enjoy The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton. The Guardian damned it with faint praise, rather - "just call it The Little Book of Calm for the chattering classes," they said, which I think is jolly rude - but for caregiving situations it's ideal. Easy read with satisfying material.

What I find quite astonishing is that my siblings are parents and I would hope they would like to think their children will help them. Actually they probably presume they would. I don't have any and yet I am much more caring and I won't have that luxury at the end of my life. That's ok I have to deal with that. But the conflict is always there and the question why? Perhaps I should just cut my losses and stop torturing myself. The signs of their self interest was there from a very young age. I was always a bit different . My father has thanked me for my help and that's nice . I will be able to sleep at night

I am in the same situation. My husband died so I moved in with my mom temporarily it is now going on three years. One sister helps out Wednesday and Friday, I work so we have care givers coming the Monday, Tuesday and Friday. However, the sister in Oregon pops in once or twice a year and I get no time away. Yes, I do leave to go to work but I feel like I am loosing my mind. I would like to be able to do things at night like my other two sisters do, go to bunco, bingo or a trip twice a year but no....I go no where but to work and home to take care of my mom. Something doesn't seem right here. I sorry I am venting.

Sometimes a parent's favoritism toward a certain child get in the way of siblings helping in their care. In my case, my sister is the favorite and she is the one my mother wants in control of every aspect of her care and finances. Since I live a state away from my mother and siblings (also have 2 brothers) I have offered to take over the task of paying my mom's bills and being involved in her financial matters, but my sister wants total control of all that, so that will never happen. There is little I can do to help my mom from this distance, and when I call she usually doesn't answer the phone. She has no voicemail set up so there is no way to leave a message. So she probably complains to everyone that I never call, but I do try to stay in touch with her. The more my calls go unanswered, the more hesitant I am to continue calling, thinking she really doesn't want to hear from me. I sometimes feel like a bird pecking on the window, never able to get in. My mom doesn't really like talking on the phone like she used to when she felt better, which I can understand. I am estranged from my sister (by my choice) since my father died about 10 yrs ago (long story). So there is little to no communication between her and me. I am just not in their "clique", which is what my family seems like to me. I am and always have been the scapegoat. So although I care about my mom and wish I could be more involved in her care, circumstances make it impossible. When I go to visit her, usually I stay in a hotel and spend all my waking hours with my mom. I often hear afterward (from my brother) that I am being accused of stealing something from my mom's apt by my sister, who convinces our mother of it. This starts the whole cycle over again and is extremely upsetting to me, to the point of where I have even had hair loss over it. Can you imagine being an educated wealthy person and hear that you have been accused of stealing something of little value - like a piece of junk jewelry? It is demeaning to say the least, and so contrary to my character - something that I would never do. Last time I went to visit my mom she was distributing some of her "valuables" and we were drawing numbers and my brother chose my mom's nursing pin. It was on a table between him and me when I saw my sister come over from across the room and grab it. So next day my mom asked me who ended up with her pin, and I told her what I saw, so she called my sister and asked her about it. My sister flatly denied having the pin! So my mom was upset thinking it was lost and said she had also been missing a necklace for some time. I helped her search for both in her jewelry drawer for 20 minutes with no luck. About a month later in a phone conversation my mom said she found the pin and the necklace in that very drawer!! But she still can't fathom that my sister would be lying about it all. She would rather assume it was me, since her favorite can do no wrong. So makes me really thankful that I don't live there and that I don't have to be involved on a daily basis. It is just too emotionally painful and I just think my sister wants to keep driving a wedge between my mom and me, and it has been working pretty well so far. As long as my mom continues to trust her lying conniving daughter, this daughter, who is a good and trustworthy person, doesn't stand a chance. So my point in sharing this is that sometimes there is much more going on that causes a sibling to distance themselves from the family. It is sad but I have accepted it as something beyond my control.

Well SuzeeQ I wish my answer were different but NO. Four younger sisters and none were healthy relationships. Narcissistic behavior runs wild in this family. I asked for help in the early days but was met with every excuse! Only asked for a couple hours so I could go to a doctor's visit or attend a funeral or see my son on his birthday. Excuses from everyone or no response at all.
I became happiest the day I realized I need to stop asking. Realized it was only setting me up for frustration. Each of my sisters are unique nuts. I am healthier for not associating with them. My mother gave me her modest home because she knew I would have no where to go & she knew I would take care of the many repairs it needed. She also made me her POA. I am the oldest. We both live on very modest SS. Now my sisters are accusingly me of fraud and spending their inheritance. I have had to spend more than $2000 so far in legal fees just defending myself. Proving I have done nothing wrong and have spent all of my retirement money on maintaining house and repairs and numerous medical needs for our Mother. I promised Mom she would never be put in a nursing home. I take excellent care of her. Hospice care in home assists me greatly. I however am the only person who cares for her feeding tube and her colostomy bag and delivers all her meds day and night. I am excellent at all this and take great care that she is always comfortable, clean & thankfully pain free. I hear nothing to very little from the sisters. Occasionally an angry text message accusing me of saying something they didn't like. Those are usually someone stirring the pot and putting words in my mouth. I truly could care less. I don't go anywhere. Only speak with a couple very close and supportive friends & focus on taking care of Mom. My sisters don't call or visit. Only one came for birthday and Mother's Day. Only care seems to be their inheritance from a woman who only had SS income for last 20 years & lived in a cheap run down row house in a decaying neighborhood. I do not miss them. Mom says we have each other and we love each other. The door has always been open for anyone to visit. I make sure it stays very pleasant. They accuse me of keeping them from visiting! Another lie. I would never keep anyone from visiting pleasantly with her. She is 92 & bedridden. We aren't going anywhere anytime soon - I pray!

No. Although they may think it's "healthy". I have to compartmentalize my feelings of hostility toward them and astonishment at their lack of interest and involvement in mom's life and care. I am especially bitter leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas, which I always host, and have to get those feelings out of my system so I can be a gracious and welcoming hostess. My sister can't help physically, but visits regularly and gives emotional support. My brothers are ... I don't even know. I'm perplexed at one who has kids and says "let me know what I can do" but who KNOWS what he can do and does nothing. Not even a call or card that require so little. The other is far away and will decide to make an effort to call - about once a year. (mom's lived with me for 4 years.)

All I can say is, it really sucks. I haven't been anywhere but work, the store or my mother's doctor's office in 2 years. My life is no longer mine, it belongs to everyone else. My mother is 95 with dementia and very low mobility, incontinence, and constant questions repeated over and over and over. Siblings don't help at all. I am 62 and have arthritis in my back and knees. I am totally exhausted. No breaks in all this time. I gave her my bedroom and moved my bed into the living room. No privacy at all. The only bright spot is we live in an apartment attached to my brother's house so I don't have to pay rent, I just pay half the utility bill. My sister in law makes sure my mother does not come out of the apartment but she has a lot of health issues and can't help with any of the day to day drudgery involved. I get up at 4 or 5 every morning so I can have time to clean her up, dress her, empty her potty, put her bed clothes and pjs in the washer (she wets through 2 depends every night, give her her meds and give her breakfast before I go to work. Then I rush home at my lunch hour, clean up any incontinent issues, fix her lunch and head back to work. I come home and clean her again, clean the potty if she remembers to use it (she can no longer make it to the bathroom) put her pjs on her, cook supper, give her her night meds and feed her. Answer a hundred questions (not kidding, she asks the same things over and over because she can't remember what the answer is from one minute to the next) and fall into bed at 8 pm. Everyone tells me it's not forever, but what they don't realize is that it may be my forever. I am just so tired. I have no advice to give anyone. It's just hard and sucks to be a caregiver. Good luck to you all, you will need it.

Perfect topic, something I am sure a great number of us have to decide how to deal with.

My siblings really are neglectful, as are their spouses and children (college age). Generally I don't view them as bad people and they are just mostly just tied up in their own busy lives (there is a selfishness here they seem to share). Unfortunately "dysfunctional" families seem to be the norm not the exception.

Over the last few years, as Mom's aging and related conditions have advanced, there has been little help with Mom. There is a long and difficult history with the wives of the two brothers (not mine) and Mom. Contact and visitations are a rare thing. I couldn;t even get them to help put together an 80th family birthday gathering for her (sad).

They have been requested to contact her regularly but I gave up on pushing a while ago, since it was going pretty much nowhere. A complicating factor is Mom's memory has gotten terrible (short term memory) and she doesn't even remember when they have in fact called her. Sometimes I find out and sometimes I don't (from anyone). I know the lack of contact from the Grandchildren is a big thing for Mom but I guess they learned well from their parents. It's too bad because basically they are great kids, the parents did a pretty much eonderful job with only a few exceptions... Still, they are in college and despite their busy lives, I wonder why there isn't a call, at least once in a while. Unfortunately, Mom won;t call them either, she expects them to call her.

Regarding the situation, both siblings are at distance, one within 2 hr drive and the other further away. However, even the one further away travels to areas not far from here and could visit with only a little additional effort. Both are willing to travel but only really if there is a serious emergency (we've experienced a couple in the last year). It has been indicated there will be visits but I am not holding my breath.

The only way I can find sufficient peace for myself is to just assume they will not help in any way and simply take anything given as icing on the cake!  There seems to be an implicit agreement they will not do anything 1) because I am local  2) I stand to inheret a significant portion of the estate (partly based on their long standing difficult and distant behavior).

Probably the saddest thing of all is that their relationship with me, although not horrible has been a bit strained for a long time (30 yrs) because of my mood disability, which they really don't understand and have difficulty coming to terms with. (Mom also has a mood dsorder which complicates issues at times). My relationship with their wives is pretty much non-existent, which is the way I prefer it. No contact, no problem.

How I handle things with Mom is that I just do the best I can, realizing I am limited in what I can realistically do. I share with them periodically what is happenning so at least nothing comes as a complete surprise (surprises cause problems as they suddenly have an opinion or feel they should be stepping in (rare though it may be)).

For now I just look at he future as "take it as it comes" because I have no choice. I don't make excuses for them, they have to deal with Mom on her own terms, and that is the way it will stay. We are civil to each other and I am sure if there was a crisis they would help but ONLY in that kind of situation, as I would do for them. I don't try to be a close friend but I cannot deny we were one much closer at varying points in our lives.

So Iguess you could say I am at least trying to take the high road. Anything else tends to create too much stress for me, which can affect me significantly.

For now, I can handle Mom's basic needs. Should things get worse with her, all I can do is ask them to participate and make whatever decisions need to be made if they won't (actualy I prefer things without their intereference since they do not spend time with Mom and therefore have no real concept of what I am dealing with; words are insufficient).

Hopefully, things will turn out ok, but there are definitely difficult decisions ahead in the not too distant future.  We'll see who steps up to the plate then.

I can't wait for the backlash when dealing with the estate becomes the issue but, I have to save that for another day...

I'm with you Tantailus. I have adult ADHD. I am on that devil Seroxat which can give me suicidal thoughts. All from childhood trauma . I have no kids but miscarried in my twenties quite late .
My siblings don't know anything about me. Just that I've no kids therefore I have time. Makes me want to scream selfish parents and selfish siblings. So yes I am going to do it and not feedback stuff. They can find out for themselves. How do these people sleep at night. Beyond my comprehension anyway.

I have as healthy a relationship as possible with my brothers, despite their chosen uninvolvement, by me learning over time not to expect more than was ever going to be offered. Not getting caught up in expecting help that wasn't going to come or resenting them for it freed me up to be happier and accept them as they are. It doesn't change anything for me to be bitter or angry, just makes me old and haggard! So we have an okay relationship, I keep them informed on the big things and not much else, and go on well.

Maryhse, I am appalled at the caregiving you do for your mother. Why can't she be in a facility?

I just had a rather shocking thought. Maybe my resentment of siblings who are not involved is mostly jealousy that I didn't make that decision. It was available to me. But I didn't like the care Mom was giving, so took it on myself. That could just be my control freak self rather than the loving daughter I prefer to identify with. Of course, there's both sides. But I am still a bit stunned as I acknowledge that part of my problem is wishing I had made a decision more like theirs. I could have just left her where she was and she probably would have been just fine - maybe even better off. Life can be too taunting!

My mom is #4 of 10 kids, five girls, five boys. All the boys lived in Philadelphia as my GM did. GM lived with oldest son and #3 son since my grandfather died in 1962. She was always healthy until her last year. My mom lived in NJ, oldest daughter lived in Philadelphia about six blocks away from GM. Two daughters lived hours away in PA, and one in NY. I can remember GM always got phone calls on the weekends, it was cheaper to call then. My uncles always visited their mom. We would go once a month. If it was summer time we would take vegetables from our garden. So when GM got sick in 1982, she was still home, but in the hospital bed, my mom and I would drive over and took Ensure to GM. I didn't realize until I read everyone's stories that my uncles and one aunt were my GM's caregivers. I know the siblings that lived farther away wanted to do more, but travel wasn't as easy as it is now, the two Aunts In PA didn't drive. I give my aunts and uncles a lot of credit.

No my sister is 5 miles away mom is 95 I have been taking care of her for five years she has been here 4 times for 20 minutes,,, so I just do it myself and it is not easy ,, but she will still ask for money and act like if something is wrong in her life , it is my fault

Probe19492000 You just described my 2 older sisters.

It's really shocking how much care people are having to put in these days. I have done a lot of investigation into this and talked to friends etc. older people are left to die at home with their families these days. Even if they are 100 . Guess it's down to money .
I tried to explain this to my siblings. They just don't even look into these things and think I'm making it . They also don't know about the empowerment laws given to the elderly and dying to stay in their own homes . The minute nurse doctors social services know the elder has children they walk away .
This is my argument with my woefully un educated siblings and makes no difference at all. In fact they run for the hills even more !!
The strain on the carer is unacceptable . I'm afraid I have no answers. Just know one day it will end. Eventually