I'm not sure where to start .... so here are the issues at hand .... Issue #1 My mother and I have never had a relationship mostly because she was verbally and emotionally abusive to me when I lived at home. I felt it was best for me to distance myself from her in order to keep my sanity. Issue #2 - she was recently diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer that has metastasized to her brain and spine and was told she has several weeks to several months left. We are 2 months into home hospice care. Which leads to issue #3 - my mother lived with my brother prior to her diagnosis. So the home hospice is at his house. He is the primary caretaker and we both work full time jobs. He is single. I have a teenage daughter. I am able to manage my time between work, my daughter and taking care of my mom one day a week. I realize this may not be a whole lot of time to many, but given our past relationship its all I can give. Recently she started with the verbal and emotional abuse again; of course this was after I forgave her for all her past wrong doings in an effort to forge some relationship in the end. Shame on me I guess. Anyway, back to the reason I'm writing. I am currently at odds with my brother who believes I should spend more time taking care of our mother; he says it would give him a break. But he has managed to schedule people for an entire week, so I assumed (yes i know what happens when you assume) everything was okay. Only to find it is not. He was very angry that I'm not there in the evenings after work and on the weekends. I understand he is burnt out, but I am doing the best I can. Her abuse is hurtful and what he doesn't understand nor want to hear is I am physically suffering from this - chronic headaches, fatigue, inability to focus and second guessing myself. All is affecting my work and managing my daughter. How do I balance all of this without my own health suffering? And How do I move forward without causing a rift with my brother? I can give him one additional evening per week and a few hours on the weekend, but anything more than that is more than I can handle. Also, he told me he shouldn’t have to schedule me in for specific periods of time, that I should just show up and be expected to stay for as long as it takes. Yes, that’s something my mother would have said to me.
I understand that you have done all you can. Big hugs to you in this very difficult time. Your brother probably will not understand that you have given all you can give. I just want to let you know that you have done more than enough.
It sounds as if brother feels that you should just give and give. Perhaps, as you mention, he is continuing to behave toward you as your mother did. This is common in abusive families. Good for you for limiting your interactions. I know it is difficult and may make you feel sad. But he doesn’t get to decide that for you.
His saying that he shouldn’t have to schedule you in for specific periods of time, that you should just show up and be expected to stay for as long as it takes is completely unfair. You know your limits and you have every right to expect to know and let others making plans know how much time you can commit to. If he wants to spend his time indefinitely, that is his choice. But telling you that you should do that is wrong. Good for you for not letting him boss you around.
It is impossible to do at home hospice if you work. It is physically and emotionally draining. Add to that the fact that this is a fragile relationship.
If bro won't agree to facility hospice, he will have to deal with you visiting when you can.
See All Answers