MIL (85) has been living with us since she was in an auto accident (not the 1st one) back in February. Some days she is good mood wise and others she is totally horrible and unbearable so much that we normally leave the house since she lives with us. She really does not have any friends left and since we refuse to get her another car since this last accident since she needs to get hearing aids and refuses (which is another story in itself) she goes into these mood swings which are totally crazy. We have 2 teenage kids and it is gotten to the point where it is not fair to them and they are actually embarrassed to have any friends over for fear of how she will act if she is having an off day. We take her the places she needs to go ( Dr., hairdresser, store, etc etc) and try to get her out of the house at least once a week but nothing seems to please her which has me at my wits end. She cannot afford to live on her own due to a lot of stupid $$$ mistakes made earlier in her life and cannot just put her out but now sure how to proceed. We do not want the kids to end up hating her but it is getting to that point since some days she is so rude to them and I can't blame them for being mad at her. She gets mad if we go places such as take the kids to a park or shopping etc. etc. and if she is in a good mood that day by the time we get back she is a bear again. The kids were actually happy to go back to school today to get away from her. Her son has spoken to Dr. about her moods and maybe some meds but she says she is just old and that is how old people act and does not see any need for any kind of meds?? Guess I just needed to vent because I know I cannot please everyone :(
We teach our kids plenty of lessons throughout their young lives. One of the lessons you're teaching yours is that problems are meant to be solved. That you try very hard not to give up on a loved one . . . no matter what.
Have you spoken with your kids about their gram? Explained that much of what she's doing she can't help? That their dad would be heartbroken if you all gave up on her? That she's mismanaged her life and can't afford to take care of herself? If you haven't, in a loving way, done so, now's the time.
What you absolutely CAN'T do is let MIL have a detrimental effect on your kids...such as interfering with your outings with them . . . not being comfortable having their friends over . . . you just can't. It's not fair.
I think when you're taking care of someone easy -- or someone difficult -- and you're committed to that care, then you try to solve each problem as it rears its ugly head. Personally, I think your kids will take their cue on how to react to gram from you and your husband.
If MIL doesn't have a bedroom/den to herself, I think you ought to try to give her that . . . with a nice personal-sized flat screen and comfy chair with a table alongside it along with her bed. Put a collapsible tray in there so she can take meals once in a while. Make it her space . . . personalized with photographs, any special knick-knacks she likes . . . anything you can think of. Let her pick out the bedspread and curtains and whatever else will make it a nice space that she MIGHT enjoy. And one that you can honestly say is loverly.
Then banish her to this lovely and personalized space when she puts on her pouty face . . . when the kids have friends over and she's a nuisance . . . when she's passive-aggressive after you get home from an outing.
It's probably not going to change her behavior, but it will limit your family's exposure to it.
Whether you know it or not, I think you're teaching your kids some valuable life lessons . . . we take care of family in this house.
Good luck. God bless. (Sorry this is so long.)
I don't know how "all old people act" but you're trying to figure out a solution to your old person and the Dr. shutting down the idea of medication is ridiculous. My dad was the most optimistic, happiest, well-adjusted man I ever knew and as he aged his Dr. put him on an anti-depressant because my dad was feeling depressed about aging. I guess one could make the argument that we shouldn't be medicating our seniors but I think anything that helps as our loved ones age and realize that they're not who they used to be is worth trying. Was this Dr. your MIL's Dr.? Can you take her to your Dr.? Some Dr.'s just don't like prescribing medication but if your MIL is on meds for her physical ailments then her mental ailments need to be addressed as well especially if her mood swings and bad moods continue to effect the entire family. I think it says a lot that the kids couldn't wait to go back to school just to get away from her.
What does your husband have to say about this?
Being cranky is no more part of getting older than it is at any age. It is a personal decision, unless she has mental issues. Find a doc that is more experiences with the elderly and get some good meds. Explain to MIL she will either take happy pill or learn to be happy in her room alone.
Playing games by making nice will only keep her more in control of the household situation. It isn't being mean but you have to set boundaries when you combine families. Making everyone happy is not your job but keeping one person from making everyone unhappy is you and your husband's responsibility. Good luck!
What would YOU like to happen?
This business about 'she has to live with us because she can't afford to live independently': well, unless the money issues included her gifting assets to her son, i.e. your family, those money issues are not your and your husband's problem. Ergo you cannot be obliged to house her in your home. You may still *choose* to, but if it is becoming clear that doing so is detrimental to your children's welfare, then maybe it's time for you and husband to review matters and take professional advice on alternatives?
Meanwhile, better counsellors than I am can explain about instituting new boundaries, especially setting out consequences along the lines of what happens when she behaves in an unacceptable way. MIL may be a holy terror when she doesn't get her way, but that doesn't put her in charge.
Having violent mood swings is definitely not part of normal aging. Consult her Dr. about this. Is it a new symptom or has she been this way most of her life? If she needs medication for some type of depression perhaps her Dr. should address this with her. I have learned that WHO makes the suggestion has a lot to do with HOW well it is accepted.
I also agree that it isn't fair to your children that they have to sacrifice everything they like, such as having friends over or going on family outings. However, how YOU respond will make a big difference in how they react. Make it clear that your MIL is probably not happy having to give up her independence so it may be one of the reasons she is upset. It's important that they learn empathy as well as responsibility. Knowing the reasons behind your MIL's moods will really help you plan ahead to know how to respond. Have you tried talking frankly to her about how she feels when she is upset? Maybe understanding things from her perspective would help. Maybe not but it's worth a try. There could be a problem that you're not aware of. Being on the same team to deal with this situation could be the missing piece of information.
Good luck and take care of yourself as well.
On the bright side, your MIL's presence has motivated your kids to look forward to going to school. That's super! Perhaps you can rent her out to other households where there are teenagers who lack motivation toward their school attendance. It would be a nice little side income for you, and your MIL would be able to spread her special magic to a grateful public.
But seriously, look into other housing options for her. Many towns have low- and moderate-income senior housing. Someone from your local office on aging may be able to help you.
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