I am 57 and my fiance is 64. We have been together for 2 years and he is now living with me. My mother also lives with me (for 3 years) and is 81 and a narcissist. It is clear to both of us that my mother does not want him here. She tells me repeatedly "I never thought you would marry again". I think she wants me to live alone with her until she dies but I refuse to do so i.e. I tell her I have a right to be happy and if I had know she had the expectation for me to not have a life outside of her we would have made other living arrangements. She says she completely agrees that I need to have a life of my own (just not with a man). She is not always kind to my fiance even though he cooks, helps me with the house both repairs and cleaning and overall is just a wonderful human being who I am ridiculously grateful for. He is kind to her, engages in conversations with her. We include her much of the time, however go out on a date night or hiking once a week sometimes twice. She ignores us when we get home and through the next day. We do take her out to dinner a couple of times a month, sometimes more. She is also still driving and does several activities on her own throughout the week but her driving days are coming to an end some things will be even more difficult.
The worst days are the verbal abuse days which are only directed at me but he hears it. He is blaming himself for her unhappiness (he cared for his elderly mother until she died). I tell him it is not him but her. She has not had a happy life and is choosing not to have one now even though we have a beautiful home with gardens she loves etc. She tries really hard to show her unhappiness which I am reading as jealousy.
Thoughts? Thank you for reading. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing I have ever done. NOTE: My sister is 100% disabled and in a nursing home so I have no other help.
Time to tell Mom that your living arrangements are not working. She needs to find a place where there is socialization because you can not be her everything. You are still young and should be enjoying ur life. Mom seems well enough to be on her own. Tgere are also 55 and up places that usually have a Common area and activities and transportation. Your Office of Aging maybe able to point u in the right direction.
Mom needs to be in assisted living. If she's been unhappy all her life, she won't change now. If it's bad now, imagine how it'll be when she has to stop driving?
She says she understands your need for your own life, but she is not accepting it. She feels she should be the center of your world. Which she will not be as long as fiance is around. Ignoring you the next day is her passive-aggressive 'punishment'.
"I never thought you'd marry again" actually means "I never thought you would have anyone else in your life but me." This wasn't her plan. Once you were single again, she thought she had it made. She'll never like your fiance because he ruined her illusion of her being your whole world. And she wouldn't mind running your fiance off with her actions and attitude. She wants him out.
If you truly plan to marry him, then get it rolling. Set a date. This will give Mom a warning that this is going to happen. And that he will be there permanently. For now she's hoping you'll break up.
I'm guessing she will not take kindly to your suggesting assisted living. Could broach it as "Mom, you seem pretty unhappy here and there's not much else we can do for you. I know you don't like it when we go out, because you're home alone. Assisted living would be less lonely." Or call her bluff... tell her you're getting married, that she said she understood how you need your own life. Yes, she'll be mad and will guilt trip. Thing is, she'll do that no matter where she is. Nothing will make this woman happy, and she will never be happy for you.
Like you said she will most likely never be happy, so perhaps it's time to tell her that it's time for her to move to an assisted living facility or some senior apartments where she can be miserable around folks her own age.
At this point in your life, you and your fiancé deserve so much better, and should be able to live in peace as you start your married life together.
You can still be your mothers advocate, from across town or wherever she may end up living, and live and enjoy your life at the same time, so don't waste another minute putting up with her nonsense and narcissism.
I wish you peace and joy in the days ahead.
"Mother, it's quite clear that you are miserable here. Please make arrangements to move out by December 1."
She can hire what help she needs.
The next time she disrespects you or your fiance, or acts up and tries to instigate or gets ornery because she's jealous of you going out or is bored herself, speak the following to her quite plainly.
Either you respect my home, my fiance, and myself or get out.
This should do it. If not, tell her she's moving out and start looking for senior communities for her.