His mom has MS and is bedridden, and his dad has dementia. We are exploring options of what would work the best. They need 24 hour care, but we are worried that living there (it's a small house) will put too much stress on our marriage. We don't want to set ourselves up for failure. I'm interested in any input. Would it be better to live nearby and hire more care?
Do both of you work? Who is supporting everyone right now?
I definitely vote for not living in the same house.
I know it's hard but it's sounds like they need 24 hr care of a group of professionals.
Have you thought of looking into a nursing home nearby to where you would live?
You wouldn't be abandoning them. You'd be closeby and when you visit you wouldn't be working all the time. You'd have time to actually spend with them, looking at pictures or whatever they can do.
I know the thought is heartwrenching. I put my Mom in a nursing home 7 yrs ago w/dementia. Now my Dad has dementia and a host of physical problems. I don't have a life and don't want to put him in a home yet.
Everyone tells me I should for sanity's sake and i know this is right but very hard to do.
It sure would get your marriage off to a better start w/less stress.
Let us know what is happening. This is a great place for advice or just to vent!
I'm impressed at your fiance and his devotion to his parents at such a young age but he should not risk both of your futures by moving into the house. If he insists on it, I'd evaluate why he really wants to be married...
I say this for two reasons. 1. My cousin saw some issues related to her present husband and his mom while dating. She said nothing then, but his issues have caused problems in their marriage. Now she's riding his case and that is not getting anywhere. Big things are much easier dealt with before the wedding than after. 2. My wife had some issues with her mother that I never addressed until I saw their impact upon her us and our family once children came along. It was like she was not fully present with me nor with the family. To complete the story, I've had my own mother issues to work through as the only child of a single parent mom which was not a good experience as 'mommy's little man' which she called me constantly and treated me such even after she got married again to a man who was nothing more than an escape ticket.
So...as this having them at home might not last long under the best circumstances, perhaps you and your hubby to be can rent or buy a travel trailer as escape hatch...or even tent if weather is nice. hire occasional caregivers so you can have nights free...or set up closed circuit TV. If they go into nursing home, the house might be sold from under you to pay for NH. OR you might be required to pay rent in this house, for instance. I think if one of the couple stays in house, then not so crucial...you might look at that angle when figuring this out. Even though couple may be apart, there is some comfort knowing that the house was saved, and that the one in the NH can come visit...
Also, if you are really a solid pair and stand in this together really together and support each other...you will strike gold in each other. However all too often too much fools in this situation...good luck
amyjoydon, be careful of the frog in the kettle technique by which the water is made hotter only by degree and it finds itself cooked. Separate houses sounds very good, but hopefully not too near by so that he's constantly running 3 or 4 houses down the street. The other thing to look for is does he really seem totally present at home or is his mom like 'another woman in his life." Believe me, it's a horrible experience when you feel like there are more than two of you in bed because of the extra one in the other person's head.
May I say that in my family Kaching is the primary concern from them...the longer mom lives, the less inheritance. "She should have been dead already, then we'd have our inheritance." yep, sister yelled that at me...and worse. Even I am aware that the longer I keep mom alive, the less inheritance I will have to start my life over. Perhaps there will be no inheritance...and I am out on the street with awful teeth, age 70 and almost zilch in SS. That's where it's headed and I am still here.
Anyway, just removing the Kaching out of the equation. I still think renting an RV might be the way to go. private escape hatch. Occasionally drive it away for mini vacation...even use to transport parents...they can lie down...if you can get them in the little door and up the steps...
"Your already panicing over this by asking, and a young couple cannot have a real marriage with this".
"I was almost 30" when married my husband. Sick mother-in-law, and 12 years of caring for her (all was left on me to handle, in my home), she past away in 2005....and now for over five years, father in law (Dimenshia, heart, copd)
I have not had a marriage, yet! Seriously, if he loves you, he won't subject you through this. They will be cared for better (24 hour round the clock care of nurses, medications, doctor appts, aides, people cooking & cleaning for them, daily activities) in a decent nursing facility. You can take them out for trips, and family time, holidays anytime, as well visiting them!
Your choice, but no way to start a marriage...."I have been living this since I walked down the isle"! That was 1997.
This will affect your marriage, children, vacations, finances, let alone romance or being a young happy couple. You need to start your life, and so does he. Parents do need help, but when real bad, you need to make the right choices and see they have the proper 24 hour care.
I already filed seperation due to this (3 yrs ago), but the fact we own a house, we live under the same roof still. The day my father-in-law passes, or he goes to a home, my husband is out ! "That's how hard it is, it's not easy, at all".
I have 3 sister & brother in laws..."they have done nothing to help, they disappeared or would have excuses when we needed help". (However, their words were much different in the begining, before we got married, the excuses started really fast when they seen how hard it was in our home!)
Best of luck, and talk to your financee about proper care for them (Does not mean he nor you do not love them either!).
"Again, your already questioning this, and not even married yet". That should be a sign.
Really wishing you well on this. Talk to a Pre-wedding Counselor or Pastor on this , maybe they can help?
Certainly, you should get some couple's counseling to help guide you through this process. Caring for two aging parents in the same home is challenging for anyone. For a newly married couple, this seems to be asking a lot. Please look at all options before deciding how to proceed. Get input from clergy, caregiver supports groups (Alzheimer's Assn.) or other places. Talk it over carefully and make a "plan B" should you choose to live with the parents. Please move carefully. Best wishes to all of you.
Carol
I hope you take all the information given you to heart, because that is the way it is intended.
As an RN and a seasoned care giver and a woman, my heart goes out to you. this is a very difficult situation to be in.
You are in love and I am sure that marriage is very important to you. I believe that you have concerns and that is why you are on this forum.
So first, let me say, you are wise to ask these questions. Marriage is hard enough for 2 people to start and work a relationship. You are starting with a built in family of BIG responsibility.
My first suggestion to you is to have a family meeting and get a clear understanding of what is expected as far as the future health care needs and plans for the parents. One thing many care givers do not realize when they start the journey is- that it is a commitment that may be months to as long as 20 years. Yes, 20 years. or longer.
So, I encourage every care giver to have a family meeting to determine what the senior family members want and expect from their family caregivers.
This works 2 ways- the family care giver needs to let the senior family member know just what their limits are- like, hey, you start to become incontinent of stool and I cannot deal with that , I need to get more help in the house- or it will be time for other arrangements.
I think that it is also important that family caregivers discuss importance of their own time off- vacations, weekends etc.
You may think I am silly, but, trust me, I speak from experience. After you hash this out, you put it in writing and everyone signs it. This is better for everyone.
I hope this gives you some ideas. BTW, family meetings should be a regular thing.
Diane
His guilt issue really needs for him to address with I suggest a trained therapist. I might sound picky or like a nay sayer, but from what I've observed of both male and female spouses, it is a marriage saver to explore and deal with. I appreciate how open you have been in sharing with us and how open you have been to the input here plus telling us how you and he are responding to this. Since, you are 30 I assume, that you have been working and living on your own, and standing on your own two feet so to speak. Ok, here's the gutsy questions that I find bubbling up inside of me. Has he lived some where other than in the house with them? For how long and doing what? How old is he and how long has he held his current job? Has he ever been married before or had broken engagements and if so, why? Is this fear of them feeling abandoned when for sure they must realize this is a normal step in life? Is is guilt mixed with fear over having a life on the upswing when theirs is on the downswing which is just part of the human life span thing? Or is this guilt mixed with both fear and a very strong under toe of obligation that it is his job to make as well as keep mom and dad as happy as possible, but if they are happy then it is all his fault? I'm not asking for your answers here. I'm just asking questions for possible consideration.