We stopped living our own lives 6 years ago because we had to run back and forth to Ohio to take care of her home because she wouldn't move to a smaller home. She is 90 in April and, after she broke her hip, we set her up in an apartment in TN but have to run back and forth to Ohio because she wouldn't let us see the white elephant 5 years ago when it was evident she couldn't take care of things. Now we have spent thousands of dollars trying to keep it going until we can sell it. I want to live my life because I can't do anything. I feel very frustrated and resentful. She can be quite nasty sometimes and ungrateful for all I do for her.
Have you discussed this with your husband? I'm thinking that if he didn't want his mom in an AL he probably doesn't want her in a NH either so is she going to live with you?
At my cousin's former Assisted Living facility, there was a very friendly resident who was 100 years old. She was wheelchair bound, but able to get herself in and out of the wheelchair with one person assisting. She had some dementia, but was able to function there instead of in a nursing home. I'm not sure if that would be practical for your mother in law though.
If you feel your marriage is at stake I would make that the priority. Your marriage comes first. A good counselor will help create a safe environment for you and your husband to discuss how to proceed with your MIL AND keep your relationship intact.
Wishing you well. This stuff ain't easy.
Good heavens, enough is enough in regard to that house in Ohio. Get a Realtor and put it on the market immediately if you can legally do that. As you already know out-of-state property is difficult to maintain. Hopefully there are tenants in the house and it is not sitting vacant. If vacant, did your mother-in-law change her home owner's insurance to reflect that, if not, the insurance company might not cover any damage. Premiums for vacant property is quite expensive.
Now, regarding your mother-in-law, is she in the same town/city where you live? You mentioned she is in an apartment, is she in an Independent Living apartment? Are you the Caregiver? If she is in a regular apartment, she might enjoy being in a community of people of her own generation, there is less boredom that way.
2) Hiring professionals to handle some of the tasks you are doing on your MIL's behalf, or to free you up to get those things finished. For example, do you have a house cleaner?
3) (Last resort) See a lawyer. Find out your separation/divorce options. Explain to hubby in the hope that this will get his attention and inspire him to take you seriously. I am NOT suggesting a divorce without lots of effort to improve the marriage first. I'm just thinking of ways to underscore the seriousness of your unhappiness.
I hope that you have had many conversations about your feelings and his feelings regarding MIL over the last six years. If not, it is certainly time to start. If so, it is time to escalate.
You need to talk to him, and give examples of how dealing with your MIL's problems are making you miserable. You might also go and check out some ALFs and NHs. Some of them are quite nice. Take your husband along with you. It might convince him that his mother would benefit from being in one.
I hate to say it, but saw a relative's friend become the caregiver to her awful MIL and her druggie stepdaughter both. Let them live in her home with DH and herself, catered to them, fed them, cleaned up after them, spent her hard earned dollars on all of their woes for 5 years. She stopped doing all the things she'd loved, lost herself. Then she got sick and died. All I could think was it's too bad she couldn't have enjoyed her last 5 years of health and life, and all the things that made her who she was, she was a really special person. As for the "extras", am sure they are all fine, and griping at someone else today. Makes me think maybe a person has to be careful about how deep they get in, how long they stay in.
Wonder what happens if you "remove" just yourself slowly? What happens if you just state you don't feel like making the drive over to her old house, helping with the work, but rather state you're too tired, staying home? Then screen your calls, hold your ground, divert some funds, go get a new shirt, haircut, lunch with a friend while he's doing her things? Maybe he'll get tired of being alone with it, realize how you feel about being alone with the things he could have been doing with you sometimes. Then when he comes to you and complains about being on his own with it all, you can sweetly say, well yeah, that's sad, I wish you'd been able to be with me and so and so at lunch the other day too, honey. Might work. :-)