Did their meanness and rudeness push you to choose a nursing home?

Morena7, it sounded like your Grandfather had more going on than general age decline. With his rudeness and being angry, there was a reason, he probably was in a certain stage of dementia or he was suffering from an urinary tract infection [UTI] which can mimic dementia.

But I can understand your frustration. A person can only deal with such a personality for so long before you feel you can't handle it any more.

Dementia can affect people differently. My Dad had developed "sundowning" dementia, and even in his confusion he was mild and quiet. Dad lived in senior living when his house just got to much for him. All his caregivers, Aides, and doctors loved him as he was so easy going. Dad had passed on before his dementia took a real hold, so I will never know if he would have landed in the world of being angry.

My husband remained his kind and mellow demeanor throughout the ten years of his dementia. He did have a period of paranoia where he accused me of things but I understood it was the disease talking and we got through it. Even when he was dying he thanked the hospice nurse for each service. I don't remember him being rude to anyone.

My mother was never mean. A loving, kind, tolerant, and fun-loving person, she retained this personality throughout her dementia, even when she was confused. We moved her into a nursing home when her physical care got to be more than could be handled in a private home. It turns out that was a good decision - she thrived there!

I am curious. If your granddad has always been rude and mean, why did you agree to care for him? Did you think old age and dementia would improve him?

Just for the record, your granddad was NOT being overly hostile & angry for no reason. His reasons were not obvious and he may not have been able to articulate them, but somehow in his view of the world they made sense. For example, if he suddenly feared he'd forgotten how to sign his name he might bluster about the "demanding" request to do so. I'm not saying that that is the exact reason, but it is an example of common dementia behavior.

The fact that this incident embarrassed you tells me you are into the mode of caregivng a person with dementia. That is OK. Many people can't handle that role. There is no shame in admitting that and getting your loved one into a setting where he can be cared for.

But as for the notion that dementia is given to mean persons as a curse -- absolutely not! My mother and my husband would never have developed dementia if it were reserved for mean people.

Oh I can so relate! My mom is her own worst enemy. As she continually berates the son that cares for her fulltime, mostly chided him for "freeloading" off her instead of getting a job, she refuses to see that he and another son are the only people between her and the nursing home. Now shes decided she hates the other son - formerly her favorite - going so far as to threaten to call CPS on this single dad because his house is dirty! Thank God she can no longer figure out how to dial the phone. I could go on and on, she swings between vile nastiness and crying jags that no one cares about her any more and begs Jesus to take her for HOURS. I have tried and tried to help her, at this point just waiting for a crisis to send her back to NH and the I WILL RUN FOR MY LIFE!

I am so sorry for those of you who have to put up with mean peop, people that you are just trying your best to help.

My husband, throughout his (so far) 8 years of LBD has remained the same gentle, kind soul he has always been. Even now, in long term care, he greets all the staff with a smile, even if they waken him up to give him his meds! One of the reasons one of his students--and he hasn't taught her for more than 15 years--still visits him with her husband is because she refuses to forget how kind and supportive he was to her when her mother was ill and then died.

I was an oncology and palliative care nurse for many years and what I learned was that just because someone is dying does not change their personality. If they were kind when they were well, they basically remained that way throughout their illness/death journey. On the other hand those who were nasty throughout their lives generally remained so until they died. Knowing that one has a terminal illness doesn't work miracles on basic personality type.

Yes, give the benefit of the doubt and allow for the possibility that fear or some other emotion or some other circumstance is dictating a nasty reaction. And, yes, it could be the disease -- but as many will testify, disease in itself does not totally account for nastiness--so have the self-protection gear handy.

Most give up out of sheer exhaustion, about 70%. The other 30% die before the patient does. Honest.

Dementia causes social filters to drop as well - mom loves to point out the largest person she can see and comment how fat they are - and since she's hard of hearing - she's not talking in a whisper- I apologize a lot for her

Morena7, I really am in the same situation as you. My mother and father adopted me at 7 weeks because they couldn't have children of their own. I was mom's project all of my childhood and I was to make her look good. She was not interested in moving near us and never has until she knew at 85 she could no longer stay in a 4000 sq ft home she could not take care of (hoarding) Knee replacement surgery ferreted out sleep apnea of a dangerous sort. We got that treated with a bi-pap machine. She was not really compliant and continued to decline cognitively. When I found biological family (a deceased birth mom)- at her insistence that I find out my medical history, her world fell apart. We brought her to live with us. She was good for about a year but we saw mental decline and made the decision with her to build a house together. We would sell both our houses so she could have her own room and bathroom (we're still cleaning out hers to sell). Once the move took place she again spiraled downward. She started mocking me about my birthmother: "she should, at 25, known better than to let herself get pregnant!", "I'm your mom not your mother" and other inappropriate comments. She then started having hallucinations, paranoia, other accusations and falling. UTI was discovered and treated with Cedfinir. Behavior worsened so we were referred to a neuropsychiatrist who referred to neurologist diagnosis: dementia. She was put on dementia meds last June and she got better but as it still progressed she would argue with me about her taken away checkbook, other financial reports (she didn't really read) accused us of moving her in with us to steal her money (which we don't need). The nastiness is reserved for me and me alone. Anytime I confront her about her behavior there is total invalidation of someone trying to take care of her. If I say I'm sorry I don't measure up to her expectations or that she hates me it's " oh no, I have always loved you and was so glad ......" It never feels that way and the way she looks at me with eyes of pure evil. At the last hospital er visit the ekg said she had a heart attack and the needed to immediately do a heart cath. I was nervous about the anesthesia being a dementia pt and rightfully so as it took a full week to get her back from wherever the meds sent her. She was mostly incontinent (she threatened to kill me while I cleaned her up from a bm mess in her depends. I was trying to stop her from wiping back to front) which eventually led to another uti and the same antibiotic (I forgot about the side affect previously) all while I was leaving for 2 weeks to assist son's family in an adoption (sadly failed) in south FL. My husband was at his wit's end so good friends came and helped her do EVERYTHING. They got her up, toileting needs, dressed, fed, repeat until she was bedded down at night. After antibiotics were 4 days out of her system she started coming out of her delirious state. My friends did everything for her and doted on her the whole time. Now we are back to making her become as independent as she can be. I was helping her toilet and she was grabbing onto towels on a towel rack instead of her raised toilet seat when I told her not to she balled up her fist and tried to punch me. I got firm with her and she started mouthing off at me, huffing at instructions, slumping her shoulders in a pout just like a child. Dr told me to schedule with neuropsyche doc as he is very concerned with her aggressiveness toward me. I am almost done with her. She can't control me and I don't sugarcoat things but am matter of fact about them sometimes raising my voice because she can't hear without her hearing aids. She screams back for me to quit yelling and she completely loses it whenever I do or say something that makes her feel inadequate even if I'm only giving her instructions. I believe she is narcissistic as it has always been about her. She puts everyone down behind their backs, even my grandchildren (4 & 7), to try to make herself look better. She says thank you occasionally which is forced sounding, rarely apologizes because everyone else is always wrong and does not seem grateful at all of what we do for her except to others when we aren't there because what makes her look good or better off she communicates in a bragging fashion so people will be jealous. She is extremely jealous of others and even me if I get to go somewhere or do something she no longer can do. I found a mood stabilizer on the floor in her. We don't know how it got there. I said that our 4 lb yorkie would die if she got a hold of it. Drama came out and more ugly behavior because I confronted. I feel your pain every bit of it and am sorry for all of us who are trying to do the right things by their loved ones even though we don't feel loved by them.

Thank you for your answers. It's interesting to see there are some dementia patients who are kind, I had no idea.

Cathberry thanks for shedding light, in that dying does not change the personality. Yes my granddad was always mean, so I guess this is his true nature.

I posted this question at a very stressful time, and I'm still stressed. I've been getting physically ill just dealing with the stress of caretaking. I still decided to choose a nursing home/assisted living, simply because I feel I can no longer take this.

JeanneGibbs in all respect I think its unfair for you to say I'm"not in the mode"of caregiving:I've been his sole caregiver with no aide for over 1 year, doing all chores, errands, doctors visits, by myself, even saving his life 2 times. I think the problem is I'm in caregiving mode too much.....To answer your question I "agreed" to be his caregiver for the same reason most good hearted people do, because the responsibilty fell into my lap after all other relatives abandoned their duty,and my good heart wouldnt allow to see someone suffer. I didnt exactly intend on being his caregiver, I had no idea this would last this long, or that he'd deteriorate this much. I also didnt know he had dementia when I started caring for him, I thought he was old and needed a little help here & there, but it snowballed into a deterioration that I didnt see coming.

Morena, I am so glad you heard from people who are also going through a bad time. Not everyone in the world is nice. If they weren't nice and kind when they were younger, they will probably get worse when they are older. Dementia normally changes things, but generally to make personalities even more difficult. I understand why you tried to help your granddad. You were available, caring, and kind. I also understand why you can't do it anymore. People can only handle so much meanness until they are done. It doesn't matter if the meanness is normal or caused by dementia. It is what it is. Facilities have people who are paid to deal with it. It may be that he will actually like it better than he likes the way he is living now. Good luck getting him moved. Big hugs.

Oops... "you are not into the mode .."