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He has been there 48 hours today


Now he can’t walk, little talking ,they told me he is on same medications and that his dementia and the move made him worse. Hard to believe because Dad is with it- they even stated upon evaluation that he could probley go into assisted living.


So he was doing great, his biggest problem was sleep issues. What do I do to find a place that’s right for him? I don’t have a good feeling about this.

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Dad could be suffering from stress from the move. Insist they call the facility doctor to examine him. Give it more than 48 hours. It’s not a good idea to bop him around from place to place as this will just cause more backsliding. Give it a chance. See what the doctor says. Insist he be seen tomorrow.
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Daddygirl2,
I had to place my Mom in Memory Care about 4 months ago because I needed some throat surgery. The first place was nice and close to home. She was there 3 months. Each month they sent her to a behavioral psych. Unit in a nearby hospital for 2 weeks. Then after 3 months they kicked her out.
I moved her after that to a place in a larger city that was a stand alone Memory Care that was newer. It was bigger but they had more staff and they had more activities and more room too roam. This all was upsetting and scary to Mom and myself at first. Now 2 months later she is doing better in the new place.
I didn't want to move her further away but I guess it just takes time. She liked the old place but people there were touching her all the time and she was batting them away. Everyone says it just takes time but when all of this is new and it's YOUR parent, well.....I know you just want to grab them and run home. Try to wait and see what happens. Have the doctor see him. If it's not a good fit, maybe you have to move on. My Mom still wants to come home when she sees me. After 7 years of caregiving, I had hit the end of my rope. Please don't feel alone! Amijoy had good advice. We are bringing Christmas to her this year.
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PiperLee Dec 2018
Your letter could have been ridden by me. I am going thru the same thing. My sister has dementia was kick out of the place she was in because she hit a Young traveling Nurse that told her to go back to bed( it was 7:00 AM) in the morning). Put her hands on her to direct her back to bed and she hit the nurse the LNA step in and she became combative.. Now this could have been a different outcome if they had been nice how they approached her. There is lack of education in these places about how to approach dementia patients... they like to drug them so they won't be walking around.I call it respite care for they caregivers.. more education is needed in these nursing homes
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Even though they “say” he is on the same meds, ask to see his med list. My Moms always got messed up between hospital to rehab to NH, and meds mysteriously fell off the list and had to be reinstated. Just a thought.
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jjmummert Dec 2018
This is a very important suggestion.
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It’s very common for someone to appear to decline rapidly when placed in MC. The move is stressful and disorienting, yes. But on top of that, you’ve removed the artificial supports of a familiar environment. What you are seeing now is the true extent of your Dad’s condition. We are currently experiencing this with my FIL. He’s been in MC for three weeks. It is SO HARD. This disease is cruel and heartbreaking.
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Listen to your gut!!! If you can keep him home or in an apartment with a aid... ask your church. Aid agencies Promise you the world with individual care. They say their staff cooks and cleans and are experience in administering all sorts of medicine 9 out of 10 times it's a lie they are not certified to administer medicine. They only know how to cook their country's food, I wasn't asking for a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings Just simple meals that you would think at $3700 a week they would be able to provide. I found a wonderful woman that was a RN, in Poland, she cooks, cleans, does not only Moms pills but, 3 breathing treatments a day. Gets her outside walking and or to ride the bike in the gym that came with the apartment. Oh and all this at a fraction of the cost of agency aids and facilities
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Last year my mom (who has dementia and 24 hour care at home) went to live in a "lovely" Memory Care facility. My brothers were forcing the issue and, in an attempt to keep the peace, I gave in. I was her primary visitor as my brothers figured "out of sight, out of mind". After a few weeks my mom was confined to a wheelchair because she was unsteady on her feet and the staff would not take her for walks with her walker. Things went downhill from there. I had many meetings with the staff about her care, and I was very nice throughout. Mom told me at one point that being there was like living in hell. My brothers would not listen to me at all when I said it wasn't a good situation for Mom. She had 6 falls under their care and my husband and I spent hours in the ER with her in the wee hours of the morning each time. Every time she was more disoriented. After 4 months my mom was no longer able feed herself and would not talk to me - which was unusual and was not "her disease". Please beware of those two words - the staff of these facilities use them all the time to make excuses for the lack of attention- if only they put more money into good staff and less into "beautification" - things could change. Also quite a few of the residents had passed away suddenly during those months and they were all in better shape than my mom. So in desperation I installed a hidden camera in her bedroom and discovered that one of the aides was abusing my mom, and no doubt other residents as well. The facility staff was embarrassed but not very apologetic and only with this evidence would my brothers agree to bring Mom back home and get round the clock care again. Within two weeks my mom was so much improved. Almost a year later she has declined mentally, but she is safe and comfortable, which is all we can hope for at this point.

You know your dad best and you can read his signals and you listen to what he tells you. My mom stopped talking to me because she felt there was no point - she had tried to tell me things were bad but somehow couldn't tell me specifically about this aide. The many falls, her constant exhaustion, her inability to feed herself, her "shutting down", were all indications to me that she was not well cared for and if I could have convinced my brothers earlier I would have taken her out of there sooner. No one deserves to be mistreated, especially those who cannot defend themselves.

Yes, maybe give your dad a little more time to adjust and try to be there for him during that time - but don't be afraid to question things and to advocate for him. It was easier for my brothers to ignore all of the signs and to dismiss my concerns. And it was really hard for me to fight for my mom's well-being. Just don't discount everything as a symptom of "the disease". Listen to your heart - pray for guidance - and do what you think is right for your dad.
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you need to find out what meds he was on(crucial) ask for a print out) who put him on meds before he went in to this place get a print out compare...you need to do a little research...I will say some of these places are over medicating these people...doesn't seem reasonable that in 48 ours his dementia took an turn for the worse. I know it is a progressive disease but not that quick.Good Luck keep us posted
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I find that I have to educate the staff at my mom's assisted living about her dementia, that she won't remember to ask for what she needs, but I would think memory care would have it together to assist him with this transition. I retained my mom's home care lady for 4 days after moving my mom to assisted living. She was there to watch everything when I was not there. I don't simply trust that they will care for her properly.
How many residents are there to one care person in your dad's place? Realize most facilities are in this business for the money and they will cut costs any way they can get away with. It is heartbreaking to see one's parents in decline, and you are correct to question if this situation is right for him. I would think he would be emotionally upset, and that can cause physical decline, but this is too abrupt.
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wi57twin Dec 2018
My dad’s AL specialized in memory care with a great staff to resident ratio. When I moved him I was advised not to visit much that first week or two to get him acclimated.
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I am going through the same thing as you almost. My father fell and fractured his leg, I was not strong enough to be able to meet his physical needs when he became bedridden. The morning he cried out for me not to hurt him when I was trying to shift him in the bed was my emotional breaking point. He went into hospice care care, while I know he was going to go fast because of the fracture I didn’t expect it to be so quick. I questioned having sent him to hospice, until my dear friend pointed out to me that for four years I took great care of him, he was happy and healthy and felt loved. That I did what I did out of love and concern for his comfort and well being thereby continuing the love and care I had been giving him. This settled my heart a lot. We all know that there are changes when we move or make changes with a parent who has Alzheimer’s.
That being said, what kind of medication are they giving him? It could be he is over medicated, which would cause some of what you are seeing. Are you visiting at different times of the day, remember he is used to seeing you at various times, this also lets you see how the facility operates. If you can fix up his room as much like his own room at home as you are able to, the comfort of his familiar things might help him.
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The move probably disoriented him as it will have tired him out - nothing is in the 'right' place - he isn't sleeping well plus there is a new schedule to adjust to - so given all this 48 hours is too little time to be for him to be adjusted - give him more time to adjust
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I understand your worries. My dad was in long-term care, not memory care, however many of the residents do suffer dementia issues. He was moved from rehab to long-term care. His first roommate, though basically a nice man, more often than not was very loud and very awake at night, every night. My dad did not have any hearing deficit. After four nights of no sleep, dad was talking to me of his frustration with the problem. If our loved one can't communicate this problem and night after night can't sleep, it will certainly cause a change in their affect during the day. In my dad's case, I was able to have him moved to a room with a roommate who slept at night. Problem solved. I did wonder, though, if dad were not able to communicate clearly the issue, would the workers at the facility done anything? If your gut is telling you something isn't right, keep looking for another facility while you give your loved one time to adjust and reassess in a couple of weeks. I like the idea the glendaj2 had to "feather his nest" to make his new place a little more familiar.
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So sorry to read your stress & concern.Talk with his Dr 1st.AgingCare can provide a list of in home care IF that is what he needs.If his dementia has progressed beyond that, many of the in home care have connections with caseworkers who can help point you in the right direction, take you to visit group homes or nursing homes.I did not want my Mom in a nursing home and the caseworker who helped us, we were so very blessed that a group home happened to have an opening which became available that very day!When I say blessed, I know in my heart that both my Great-grandmother and Grandmother were talking to Jesus about getting the best for Mom.This group home cost was actually less than in home!The owners, mgr and staff are everything I prayed for Mom.They even took in the dog!Yes, it hurt to do this and it takes 3-6 mos to acclimate, I cry after every visit, but it was the right thing to do for both Mom/step-father.Every now & again, step-father tells them he wants to go back home, I tell him that he has a job my great-grandmother gave him, to take care of Mom because she is too sick to go home.No one truly wants to "kick" their parent(s) to the curb.They took care of you and now it's time to repay.

I have a saying that I forgot to take with me on my last trip to hang on the wall for Mom, but I think it is beautiful with so much heart felt meaning:

MOM, I know you have loved me for as long as you have known me,

But Mom, I have loved you all of my life.

The same can be said for Dads too. Please keep this in your heart and mind, listen to your Guardian Angel on your shoulder and you'll be able to do what must be done for your Father.

Merry Christmas
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Stress from the move could certainly be either the or a factor, another thing you might check into is an infection of some sort, stress makes us all more susceptible to infection and behavior like this is often due to a UTI say or some other type of infection. Short of those things you may find this isn't the right fit but do be sure you have given it a real chance/try before looking to move on, you chose this place for a reason. I would talk with the case manager or facilitator there at the facility they should have lot's of experience with transition and what helps or doesn't help most people as well as working with residents at all ends of the cooperation spectrum. It should be in their best interest to help this work too and that seems preferable to moving him again and starting the while transition and disorientation again. You might bring his PCP or other specialists in on this too, the more professionals that know him as well as geriatric patients and issues to draw on for info the better IMHO. Good luck this can't be easy even in the best of circumstances, especially on you the caregiver/responsible grownup who loves them.
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Give him a chance to settle there UNLESS YOU DEEM ANYTHING IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
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You have to keep in mind that he will not be receiving 1:1 staffing care like he might have gotten with you. Nonetheless, they will always have someone there to address his needs if they know he needs something. You will still need to participate in his care. If you want him to get additional exercise, you may have to provide it. You will want to monitor him while he adjusts without interfering in the staff's ability to get to know him. You should get a signed agreement as to what they commit to provide and develop a relationship with the staff, so they can call to keep you informed. Assume you both share the same goal for your Dad to be safe and acclimate happily to the community. Become a part of the community. Get to know the other residents. Memory care is an interesting place.
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